JiltedJane Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) I have another thread in regards to this topic, but I figured I'd start a new one for the update. I dated my coworker/friend/long time crush for 4 months. I fell blissfully in love. He ended it because he doesn't want children and I eventually do. I'm 36, he's 35. We work in same unit at a hospital. For the next 6 months we still acted like we were a couple except for the physical stuff. We'd talk everyday throughout the day, he was always initiating it. He was constantly telling me how much he missed me, how amazing/beautiful, etc he thinks I am, and how much this situation sucks. We still hung out 2-3 times a week. We have spent literally every holiday together (alone or with friends, not family) except st patricks day. He even picked up a christmas shift so he could be with me on the holiday. We then started dating again and getting physical two months ago. Our dates getting more romantic. We got in an argument last week over him constantly going out with coworkers without me. No one knows we were/are together. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want our co-workers knowing about our personal life. I asked why can't they know were "just friends" and why I was never invited out too, and he accused me of trying to mark my territory. I asked what I was to him and he said he really really likes me but didn't want to talk about it now because it was the end of the night. We got in a huge fight and I left. At work the next day, he kept trying to talk to me as if everything was fine, I was merely civil. At the end of our shift he sent me a message telling me how he talked about our situation to one of our co-workers and said " i like you a lot more than you give me credit for." and that our coworker is "so happy were together." But When I tried to talk to him in the hallway on the way out he would barely look at me. For the next two days he kept messaging me every few hours telling me how much he misses me and again how beautiful I am. Asking if i'm okay, etc. I put my heart on the line and told him that I cannot take this uncertainty anymore. Its been a year. I told him I want him, no one else, and I want to be with him. He said he felt the same way-but now he's just unsure if he wants kids and doesn't want to waste my time if he ultimately does not. I further said that if we both mutually want to be each other, are miserable without each other, and like each other this much- that we HAVE to figure something out. I even said we don't have to make a lifetime commitment to each other on the spot but we need to find a way for now. I said several times that i feel like i like him more than he likes me- and he kept saying "stop saying that!" and "thats not true!" He said we need to find a day to talk this out and find a compromise but he hasn't made any concrete plans or effort to set a date. This is the first day in over a year I have not heard from him and it totally sucks. My anxiety is through the roof. IDK if I should reach out to him or just take a few days of no contact. Should I let him come to me? If he does want to actually talk or work something out, how do we compromise on this kid thing? What have other people done other than walk away and never speak again? Why is he giving me mixed signals? I've tried dating other guys and all they want is sex. Literally 12 guys and all they want is to get laid. Only two wanted something serious but did not want kids either. So I have tried to move on. Edited June 17, 2021 by JiltedJane adding Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 Am I crazy for saying we HAVE to figure things out? Why should we both me miserable and alone when what we want is to be together and are happiest together? Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 If he doesn't want any kids, and you do, then you are wasting time with him. If you do stay with him, and you end up childless, will you regret having stayed with him? I also find it strange that he doesn't invite you along to go out with your co-workers? Is he ashamed if people knew you two were dating? Is he hiding something/someone from you? Is he interested in another female co-worker and he doesn't want her to know about you twos relationship? It's very fishy. A man can have children into his forties. A woman only has limited number of ovaries... the older she gets, the less likely that she will bear children. You have to decide what you want more... this guy or children. What excuses does he give you for not wanting any children? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 3 hours ago, JiltedJane said: Am I crazy for saying we HAVE to figure things out? It's not crazy, but it's not realistic, either. You two need to figure out if you're going your separate ways or not, but you certainly don't have to find a way to stay together. Relationships don't work like that. He's obviously not all in, and it sounds like he has a valid reason: he doesn't think he wants the same future as you do. That isn't about being "happiest together", really, because it's fleeting. Sure, you two might be happy in the moment but he's looking down the line and seeing something different, a major incompatibility that will not bring happiness. It appears you've been taking this reconciliation (for lack of a better word) a lot more seriously than he has. He's maintained some distance from you and that sounds intentional. I don't mean that he doesn't like you, but I don't think it's by chance that he has kept you away from other parts of his life. He's been trying to keep a boundary there, and now that you're pushing back, he feels guilty. But I don't think he sees this going the same way you do. He knows it's not going to work in the long run. You would be wise to take your space now. You know he doesn't want what you want (as I understand it) Compromising on kids is not a good idea, because it will lead to major resentment for one of you later on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) He doesn't know if he wants kids and being in a relationship with you is unsettling because the situation could be worse for both of you much later down the line should you go your separate ways, not to mention the fact that you work together. A lot of things could go wrong here, OP. Cut your losses and don't let this be messier than it already is. He's not prepared to be in a relationship with you and that's not such a bad thing. It frees you up to be with someone else who wants the same things you do. Edited June 17, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 I broke up with someone because I didn't want kids. I was truly in love with her and thought I would be with her for the rest of my life. It seemed so unfair that I would have to lose her but I knew it was the right decision for both of us. She tried for the next year to get back with me, even at one point pretending she didn't want kids. And it was horrible rejecting her because I loved her. I was trying to be a good guy and not fake a relationship or waste her time. This guy isn't sure on kids. Honestly having been in this position myself you need to leave each other be, and it could be he does decide down the track he really wants kids. But he can't decide that when he has you right there all the time. And you can't waste anymore time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 If you want a BF, no less a husband and family, you're wasting too much time in this situationship. Step back. Be work friends, sure but this is limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: If he doesn't want any kids, and you do, then you are wasting time with him. If you do stay with him, and you end up childless, will you regret having stayed with him? I also find it strange that he doesn't invite you along to go out with your co-workers? Is he ashamed if people knew you two were dating? Is he hiding something/someone from you? Is he interested in another female co-worker and he doesn't want her to know about you twos relationship? It's very fishy. A man can have children into his forties. A woman only has limited number of ovaries... the older she gets, the less likely that she will bear children. You have to decide what you want more... this guy or children. What excuses does he give you for not wanting any children? he says the financial part, and he doesn't think he'd be a good dad. he said he wasn't embarrassed of me, but just didn't want the rumor train going. I personally think he might be interested in another female co-worker as well. I straight up asked one of her friends and she said does not think anything is going on there, but you never know. Edited June 17, 2021 by JiltedJane Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 58 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: I personally think he might be interested in another female co-worker as well. At the end of the day, this isn't even terribly relevant. What is relevant is that he does not want the same things you do. He doesn't want to be a father. So, casual dating might be fine for now, but you two won't wind up anywhere serious. It's time to put a definitive end to this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: he says the financial part, and he doesn't think he'd be a good dad. he said he wasn't embarrassed of me, but just didn't want the rumor train going. I personally think he might be interested in another female co-worker as well. I straight up asked one of her friends and she said does not think anything is going on there, but you never know. If he felt the same about you as you do about him he wouldn't give a damn who knew you were together. Simple as that. Neither of you are married so what is there to hide if you want to be together? You say the other 12 guys you've dated only wanted sex and no kids. Well you're having sex with this one and he doesn't want kids - what is the difference between them? You're in the same boat. You are just stuck on this guy and you're trying to make him into someone he's not. If you truly see kids in your future stop wasting time on someone who doesn't want what you want. Flattery is cheap. I also think he may be interested in someone else there and that is why he doesn't want you going along when they all go out. Edited June 17, 2021 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTheSun12 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 Common and similar values is very important. I tried to make it work for a long time with someone who had very different values than me. To top it off, I was the one being flexible to make it work with him while he essentially changed nothing to meet me in the middle. I wanted marriage, he didn't. And even smaller values like he would never offer to pay for dinner whether out with me or out with my family.... just to at least be polite. He had plenty of money to at least offer once in a while instead of usually getting free dinners. Love won't survive in the long-run when you two are fundamentally different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 You are wasting your time with him. It really doesn't matter about how happy you are when you are together. You want kids he doesn't. You want him to be proud of being in a relationship with you, he doesn't want anyone else to know. He wants to keep it casual so he can still have sex with you, and others, you want it to be serious. The sooner you end this the better so you can meet someone else that is on the same page as you. This is going nowhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 12 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I'm 36... I think you are going to have a hard time finding a guy that wants to be a father in his late 30's - early 40's. Most (not all) guys this age have already had the children they want or have decided they are getting too old to be a father. For me... I didn't want to be pushing 60 when my kid graduated high school, as I think most men would be of the same mindset. Yes, men can father children in their late thirties - early forties, but few want to... as evidenced by your co-worker. A few years back, I was dating a woman (who was 37) and very early in the relationship she started with the "baby fever" talk. I left because I was pushing 40 and didn't want to be a "late in life" father. The odds are really stacked against you for finding this late 30's - early 40's unicorn guy that truly wants children. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, JiltedJane said: how do we compromise on this kid thing? The reality is, you are 36 years old. You don’t have any time to dally if you want a child. And - there is no compromise when it comes to a child. If he truly doesn’t want children and you do, you need to make other plans because it’s not fair to ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do. It’s also not fair to ask you to give up your dream of being a parent - you just need to be prepared for the fact that if you end the relationship, you may end up with neither the man or the child. This is just how things work out sometimes - life is about choices and there is no guarantee that it will always work out the way we hope. Would it be a bad thing to leave this man go and pursue your dream - possibly even as a single parent if you have the financial and social resources, no. To be fair, he’s been dicking around with you for a year now. Who is in a relationship with a woman and then says he doesn’t want anyone to know? Not a man who is serious about you. I agree with what has been said above, you are more invested in this relationship that he is at this point. If you want more, you will need to find the courage to go out there and get it! Edited June 17, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Punterxx said: He wants to keep it casual so he can still have sex with you, and others, you want it to be serious. This is what it looks like to me. You want a commitment and a family and he wants a relationship without having to make a commitment or sacrifice anything to be with you. You are fundamentally incompatible in more ways than whether you want a child or not. Edited June 17, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 16 hours ago, JiltedJane said: If he does want to actually talk or work something out, how do we compromise on this kid thing? What have other people done other than walk away and never speak again? Umm, there is no compromising on having kids. You either have kids or you don't. This guy has already. broken up with you once. Your first mistake was letting him back in your life and carrying on a quasi-relationship with him. It's clear that he's not as committed to you now and he's unsure about this whole thing. You need to put an end to it once and for all and walk away. 16 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I further said that if we both mutually want to be each other, are miserable without each other, and like each other this much- that we HAVE to figure something out. I even said we don't have to make a lifetime commitment to each other on the spot but we need to find a way for now. No, you do not HAVE to figure something out. That is not how this works..... that's not how any of this works. If you and him are not compatible on a very important issue (kids) and he's been acting like he has one foot in and one foot out of this relationship, then you need to face reality and end this once and for all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) Why would he bother telling our coworker about us after our fight just to let me know how much he likes me. Especially a coworker who is a big mouth? That’s one of many things I do not get. Not trying to use it as glimmer of hope, but seriously. He states he doesn’t want people knowing our personal business but he tells one of the biggest gossip our situation... Edited June 17, 2021 by JiltedJane Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) Lots of good advice above IMO. I would add that many folks are hesitant to even have relationships with co-workers at all for a wide variety of reasons (the potential for acrimonious breakups being one significant one). He crossed that particular line with you but may not be overly comfortable with it, so that may be part of why he is trying to keep things on the down low there. Now if he won't go on dates and similar with you outside of work, THAT would be a separate (and in my mind much bigger) issue. I'm not sure why he told your co-worker about you two, perhaps it was an effort to respond to the issues you have been bringing up and/or "prove" how much he cares for you - enough to "reveal" you at work. IMO though, while worth mentioning, none of that is a reason to stay with him if your major life goals are incompatible. You want kids. Think about how it would be if he had firm plans to move to Australia (or pick a place you wouldn't care to live) in 5 years. Would it make sense to try to go LTR with him? Probably not and the kids thing is IMO similar. It feels to me like you are perhaps dealing with the sunken costs fallacy at this point. Edited June 17, 2021 by mark clemson 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Lots of good advice above IMO. I would add that many folks are hesitant to even have relationships with co-workers at all for a wide variety of reasons (the potential for acrimonious breakups being one significant one). He crossed that particular line with you but may not be overly comfortable with it, so that may be part of why he is trying to keep things on the down low there. Now if he won't go on dates and similar with you outside of work, THAT would be a separate (and in my mind much bigger) issue. I'm not sure why he told your co-worker about you two, perhaps it was an effort to respond to the issues you have been bringing up and/or "prove" how much he cares for you - enough to "reveal" you at work. IMO though, while worth mentioning, none of that is a reason to stay with him if your major life goals are incompatible. You want kids. Think about how it would be if he had firm plans to move to Australia (or pick a place you wouldn't care to live) in 5 years. Would it make sense to try to go LTR with him? Probably not and the kids thing is IMO similar. It feels to me like you are perhaps dealing with the sunken costs fallacy at this point. We definitely have gone on dates out of work and Ive met almost all his friends . what would a date look like that’s not outside of work? Lol And I’m nervous too because I’m infertile. I froze my eggs years ago and they’re the only ones I have. And right now I’m not sure if I can afford to spend or want to spend >$100k. So I’d lose the guy too Edited June 17, 2021 by JiltedJane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: Why would he bother telling our coworker about us after our fight just to let me know how much he likes me. Maybe he thinks you're changing your stance on wanting children. After all, you seem to know the score here. You know he does not want kids, and continued to date and have sex with him. It could read to him like you're okay with the idea of not having children since you let him back into your life, knowing his position on the subject. But it doesn't really matter who he tells (or why) if your life goals are fundamentally incompatible. It still won't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 Realistically speaking the only possible "compromise" that can be done on having kids is to not have them. Because no child deserves to have a parent who doesn't want them but only had them because they were given an ultimatum. If this is not something that you are willing to accept, then you need to stop wasting both of your time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) There is no way to work this out. No way! If he doesn't want kids, then you need to ditch him. And you don't have to be judgmental about it. BTW: you NEVER want to talk someone into having kids. I mean you can have some mild conversations just to make sure they are where they are. But you want a partner to really WANT kids. Kids require tons of time. Relationships often (not always) take a hit in happiness from the exhausting of taking care of the kids. And two kids is about 5x the work of one kid. Can I be blunt? I'm sorry, but it was really naive for you to continue closely hanging out with this guy after romantically breaking up. I'm sorry: it's just one of those lessons you have to learn--sorta like some people have to actually bang their head against a wall to learn that doing so really hurts. Nothing good would come out of you guys hanging out together. Nothing! Not one thing. And he's not even treating you right. So to back up, kids or no kids--keeping contact or not--he's hiding you in some way. Alarm, alarm: that makes me think he's hitting on other people where you work, or he is having a fling that you don't know about. Sorry to be so cynical. Or, he actually has his eyes on someone else at work, and he wants to keep his options open, and saying he's involved with you (even as close friends) would ruin that. His hiding you at work = HUGE RED FLAG. But that's in addition to the disagreement over kids. We can't marry everyone we like in this life. We can't make disagreements go away. You're not operating in reality to keep hanging with this guy. You are going to be the one who hurts. He's fine with the "uncertainty." Totally fine. And he doesn't have enough integrity to see that you are going to be tortured if you guys stay close. Get out! Now! There is nothing to negotiate or work out. Embrace the suck, grieve, cry, feel your disappointment and let yourself move on. Edited June 17, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 Why doesn't he want kids? I can think of many reasons why people may not want to become a parent, but I think the three most valid are; 1. Children change the dynamic of a marriage/relationship and can place a lot of emotional and financial strain on an otherwise happily compatible relationship. This often leads to divorce. 2. If someone has had an unpleasant childhood they may worry about the responsibility and their ability to be a good parent. 3. The planet's already way over-populated. Given that you're at the age when you want to get a move-on starting a family, you either need to accept his refusal to procreate, or he needs to agree to at least one child. It's a very, very big thing and women can sometimes be very one-eyed about it. Example, friend of mine had told his wife he didn't want more than the two kids they already had, they were a happy little family. She ignored him and autonomously decided to get pregnant for the third time, (stopped taking contraception unknown to him). He was furious because of the strain it placed on him as the sole breadwinner, plus the fact that he could hardly voice his anger because it made him look like an a-hole. To me it seemed that she had been monumentally selfish, and the price was that it changed their marriage because he was so resentful at her from that day on. You need to find out why he doesn't want children and respect his views, and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, MsJayne said: Why doesn't he want kids? Does it matter, really? It's a personal choice. Nobody would think to question OP on why she wants kids, so it's best to respect someone's preference for the oppoiste without expecting them to justify themselves. The reasons you cited for not wanting children are valid, of course, but there are plenty of others. Not everyone dreams of bringing up little ones. Heck, not everyone even likes kids all that much. It's not really OP's place to request a rationalization for his choice beyond what he's already told her. Edited June 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 On 6/16/2021 at 9:27 PM, JiltedJane said: Am I crazy for saying we HAVE to figure things out? Honestly, yes. There is no compromise between wanting to have kids and not wanting to have kids. There is no part-time baby. So "figuring things out" means either - Delaying the inevitable break-up - One of you wearing the other down and staying together until the resentment of being forced into an unwanted position ruins the relationship If having children is something you want, don't date guys who don't want kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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