Author JiltedJane Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: If having children is something you want, don't date guys who don't want kids. On all the apps, the guys say they want them and when I get on date they say they absolutely don’t at all. Heck I’ve had multiple guys admit to me “you get less matches when you say you don’t want kids.” so I feel liked I’m f*cked either way and someone asked what’s the difference between this guy and the other guys who don’t want them... the real difference is the emotional attachment and years of friendship that were built up before we started dating. I know this situation is complicated and I’m being stupid. It just really really sucks to have this 1 thing keeping us apart. A thing that might never happen anyway. We agree on literally everything else and future goals. Edited June 18, 2021 by JiltedJane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 9 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: I know this situation is complicated and I’m being stupid. It just really really sucks to have this 1 thing keeping us apart. A thing that might never happen anyway. We agree on literally everything else and future goals. But this "one thing" is huge. It's not whether to get the couch in brown or grey. It's life changing and permanent. Unless you can accept a childless life, and not resent him for it, it would be best to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 On 6/17/2021 at 9:33 AM, Happy Lemming said: I think you are going to have a hard time finding a guy that wants to be a father in his late 30's - early 40's. Most (not all) guys this age have already had the children they want or have decided they are getting too old to be a father. For me... I didn't want to be pushing 60 when my kid graduated high school, as I think most men would be of the same mindset. Yes, men can father children in their late thirties - early forties, but few want to... as evidenced by your co-worker. A few years back, I was dating a woman (who was 37) and very early in the relationship she started with the "baby fever" talk. I left because I was pushing 40 and didn't want to be a "late in life" father. The odds are really stacked against you for finding this late 30's - early 40's unicorn guy that truly wants children. Hmm OP maybe try younger men? Like early 30s Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said: Hmm OP maybe try younger men? Like early 30s Tried that a few times. They either just want to get laid or they say they’re not looking for anything serious and when they do they’re going for someone younger since there are less reproductive complications. dating has been a literal nightmare. The older I get the worse it is 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: They either just want to get laid or they say they’re not looking for anything serious and when they do they’re going for someone younger since there are less reproductive complications. Yeah they say that but we know the real reason they go for younger and it has little to do with reproduction. You're smart JJ. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: I know this situation is complicated and I’m being stupid. It just really really sucks to have this 1 thing keeping us apart. A thing that might never happen anyway. We agree on literally everything else and future goals. This is not just one little thing.... this is a deal-breaker thing. A permanent life decision that you can't make lightly. If you freely admit that it "might never happen anyway" then why don't you stop being so stuck on this idea of having kids, and accept that it would be ok not to have them. Then this issue would be solved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 42 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: This is not just one little thing.... this is a deal-breaker thing. A permanent life decision that you can't make lightly. If you freely admit that it "might never happen anyway" then why don't you stop being so stuck on this idea of having kids, and accept that it would be ok not to have them. Then this issue would be solved. His issue is he’s on the fence now. Last October it was a no. I froze my eggs a few years back and he thinks that I’m trying to get pregnant now. I specifically froze them so that I didn’t have to rush any relationships and have more of a timeframe. he also has OCD so idk if that is making him fearful Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 Hi, Lots of good advice from earlier, but I’d like to add to it. My ex ended our long term relationship a little over six months ago. I am almost 36 now, he’s 38. I have no children and neither does he. We’d talked about having children in the future, marriage, all that. But toward the end I could see his heart wasn’t truly in it. Six months on, I am so grateful that he ended it by ripping the bandaid off and not going in circles for months. No matter what his words were before we broke up, actions that showed me what was truly going on. He was having doubts but didn’t want to pull the trigger. Your ex’s actions speak volumes to me and it just screams that he wants to keep you on the line but not actually dedicate himself to you. I’ve been on both ends of this. When I was younger, I did what your ex is doing to you and I still to this day feel horrible about it. It wasn’t out of malice or wanting to just watch someone twist in the wind, I was just scared to fully give him up even though I knew we weren’t meant to be. Reading what you’ve written, it sounds so very similar. A month or two ago, I went on a few casual dates and both guys were 35-38, didn’t have kids but really wanted them. My best friend’s husband was 40 when their child was born. Also, at our age, you can find a bunch of guys who already have children and you can be a great step-mom one day. Dating is hard and takes a lot to find that right person for you, but the one you’re going round and round with now isn’t it so it’s just wasted time the longer you spend on it. The more quickly you move on from something that’s going nowhere, you can find a great relationship that will be The One. Best of luck, it will all work out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 4 hours ago, JiltedJane said: We agree on literally everything else and future goals. How is that possible, when having kids (or not) changes your life in such a dramatic way? What future goals do you agree on that would not be impacted by the presence or absence of childen? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, JiltedJane said: he also has OCD so idk if that is making him fearful He seems high maintenance. Too much work. "Fearful" is not a synonym for "doesn't want to". Reflect and decide if this is the type of relationship you would even want to deal with. Edited June 18, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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