Girl I'm seeing has herpes

[Ronnie10]

Hey guys. Hope everyone is well. So imma keep this short. Been seeing a girl a while now. Hitting it off well she's alot of fun and I like her. Haven't been dating in a while because of my personal life work business etc. So I met her through a friend and so far it's been good.

Haven't been sexual or anything but the topic has been there. I myself haven't had sex in a few months so that hasn't been much fun. Basically she just said that she had to tell me some stuff and so she did. Ex boyfriend cheated on her. Gave her herpes. Relationship with him was toxic and not good. Things ended with them and that's that. 

Basically I don't wanna make decisions that I'll regret.. I don't know much about herpes either and I'm kinda clueless. She says she never had any outbreaks or anything like that. Like I said out the dating life a while haven't had sex in a while so I don't want the little head making bad decisions for me. 

What do I do? 

[ExpatInItaly]

A lot of people with herpes still enjoy an active and healthy sex life.

I can understand your concern, and she did the right thing telling you. I would suggest speaking to a doctor to get the facts and understand the associate risks. Then you can make an informed choice as to whether you want to move forward with her.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Ronnie10 said:

. Ex boyfriend cheated on her. Gave her herpes. Relationship with him was toxic and not good. 

Sorry to hear this. Too many red flags 🚩 and too much ex anger.

Many reasons not to get involved.

Cut your losses. It's not just about herpes it's the ex drama and rage.

You'll end up paying the price for her anger at her "cheating, toxic" ex and end up with herpes as a special gift . 

Does that seem like a good deal to you?

Edited June 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Ronnie10 said:

I don't know much about herpes either and I'm kinda clueless. She says she never had any outbreaks or anything like that. 

* * *

What do I do? 

You educate yourself.  I would start by doing some research:  Web MD, Mayo Clinic etc.  then you make an actual appointment with your personal doctor & you ask Qs, get pamphlets & learn how you two keep each other safe.  With concrete medical knowledge then you move forward.  

[usa1ah]

The gift that keeps on giving. 
 

This is something you don’t want. 
 

There is no cure for herpes. She is contagious during an outbreak. It is easier for women to get it for some reason. Some people never have an outbreak. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by usa1ah

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 6/16/2021 at 9:12 PM, Ronnie10 said:

 Ex boyfriend cheated on her. Gave her herpes...She says she never had any outbreaks or anything like that.

 

So what makes her think she has herpes if no outbreaks ever?

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Personally, I would bow out of this new relationship. Since most relationships fail in the end, after the breakup with her, you will have to disclose to all of your future partners that you have herpes. That sound like a good time to you? 

Not understanding this response.

Having sex with someone who carries the virus, even with no outbreaks, means they will get the virus?

I'm fairly certain the carrier has to be experiencing an active outbreak while having sex in order for the other to get it. I could be wrong.

Sorry, don't know if I worded that right, I'm actually a bit drunk right now! Lol

[introverted1]

Herpes is pretty common.

Is your gf on anti-virals?  If so, in combination with other safer sex practices, it's possible to avoid you contracting herpes yourself.

Suggest you make an appointment at a health clinic or with her doctor so you can better understand prevalence, risk, and mitigation.

[Ronnie10]

On 6/17/2021 at 6:29 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Too many red flags 🚩 and too much ex anger.

Many reasons not to get involved.

Cut your losses. It's not just about herpes it's the ex drama and rage.

You'll end up paying the price for her anger at her "cheating, toxic" ex and end up with herpes as a special gift . 

Does that seem like a good deal to you?

exactly the thing. i 've recently started redating and this entire thing just seems like a mess to me. although i respect and appreciate that she told me and she's a great girl. seems like too much. and no. doesnt seem like a good deal at all. how do i break it off though? i dont really know how to say it. 

[Ronnie10]

17 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

So what makes her think she has herpes if no outbreaks ever?

her ex cheated on her. he had genital herpes, she gave him a blowjob and later he found out he had it and told her. she then did a blood test and found out she had it. 

[Ronnie10]

20 hours ago, usa1ah said:

The gift that keeps on giving. 
 

This is something you don’t want. 
 

There is no cure for herpes. She is contagious during an outbreak. It is easier for women to get it for some reason. Some people never have an outbreak. 

yeah seems like the best thing to do is call it quits. finding a hard time doing it though. i know alot of people have herpes and dont even know it but seems pretty dumb of me to run into something knowing whats there. 

[Ronnie10]

17 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Personally, I would bow out of this new relationship. Since most relationships fail in the end, after the breakup with her, you will have to disclose to all of your future partners that you have herpes. That sound like a good time to you? 

yeah i will have to do this. how should i do it though? i dont wanna sound like a d*ick but i dont know how to not make it sound harsh

[Ronnie10]

9 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Herpes is pretty common.

Is your gf on anti-virals?  If so, in combination with other safer sex practices, it's possible to avoid you contracting herpes yourself.

Suggest you make an appointment at a health clinic or with her doctor so you can better understand prevalence, risk, and mitigation.

the thing is i just started back dating and i dont see any thing long term right now with anyone. even though i have done my research and herpes is pretty prevelant with alot of people not knowing that they have it, it would definitely bother me if i was to risk getting this for something im not sure about especially having a future with.

[glows]

On 6/16/2021 at 6:12 PM, Ronnie10 said:

What do I do? 

Like already mentioned above, start educating yourself. Read up everything you can about the virus and what your chances of contracting it will be. Would you be able to be intimate with this person, would it bother you, would it cause resentment if you contracted it? You are putting your health at risk and potentially adding a completely new dimension on the way you take care of your health and how you date someone who has a risk of passing you a virus. Your body, your life so make a decision that best suits you. 

You sound on the fence about it so take your time with this and absorb all the info you need. Don't make any hasty or ill-informed decisions.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ronnie10 said:

the thing is i just started back dating and i dont see any thing long term right now with anyone. even though i have done my research and herpes is pretty prevelant with alot of people not knowing that they have it, it would definitely bother me if i was to risk getting this for something im not sure about especially having a future with.

If you feel this way back away.  I dated a guy once that I really liked who had it and broke it off.  This was decades ago and I'm still glad I did.

[salparadise]

First thing you should probably do it get tested yourself. If you happen to have it without knowing it, you might end up being a match instead of a mismatch. 

There are two types, HSV 1 and HSV 2. 1 is usually oral (fever blisters), and 2 is usually genital. But either can be located oral or genital. If she contracted it from giving a BJ and you've been kissing, you could be at risk (for either type), esp. if she's not on antiviral medication. It can be contracted without active blisters, although less likely.

Nobody wants this stuff. The stigma is said to be worse than the disease, but like someone else said, if you get it you will have to do disclosures every time you meet someone new, and the chances of them sticking around (if they don't have it) are pretty close to zero. This will put a serious cramp in your dating prospects. 

I know a woman who has HSV 2, caught it many years ago. We met on a dating site and she told me about it before we met (we never did meet). We became friends and spoke on the phone pretty often for awhile. She says she doesn't have any trouble finding men willing to sleep with her, which I found strange, but that's the way it works. However, as a man it's going to be different. She HATES it. Says that although she can easily find men willing to have sex, they are all of a certain profile... and the ones she really wants to date (like me) won't take the chance. I feel extremely sad for her, but that doesn't change the equation. She understands and doesn't hold it against me because she'd make the same decision.

If I were you I'd get tested asap, and if negative I'd bow out. If positive I'd date this woman with the thought of marriage (assuming all else works out). Good luck man.

[maggiemtn]

Say exactly what you said in your post above. That you’ve only recently gotten back in the dating pool and you’ve had fun but don’t see it going long term. It’s much better to tell someone sooner rather than later that you’re not into them, no matter what the reason is. Good luck! 

[Fletch Lives]

On 6/18/2021 at 1:17 AM, poppyfields said:

Not understanding this response.

Having sex with someone who carries the virus, even with no outbreaks, means they will get the virus?

I'm fairly certain the carrier has to be experiencing an active outbreak while having sex in order for the other to get it. I could be wrong.

Sorry, don't know if I worded that right, I'm actually a bit drunk right now! Lol

Now it's a party!

[deepthinking]

she should date men with herpes too, poor girl, but dangerous a bit

Edited June 19, 2021 by deepthinking

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Ronnie10 said:

 how do i break it off though? i dont really know how to say it. 

I would not say that you are dumping her because she has herpes.  She will know that is the reason.  No need to make her feel worse.  

Try one of the standard white lie clichés like you two are "in different places right now" or you "are not ready for a relationship."  As long as you are not intentionally cruel about it, the words themselves don't matter.  Just be clear that you are done. 

 

14 hours ago, Ronnie10 said:

her ex cheated on her. he had genital herpes, she gave him a blowjob and later he found out he had it and told her. she then did a blood test and found out she had it. 

How does that work?  I'm genuinely not understanding how she get genital herpes from a BJ?   I'm also not understanding how she didn't see the infection while she was doing that.  Under the covers in the dark I could understand how it could be hidden during regular sex but not when it was right there.   Maybe somebody more knowledgeable on the subject like @salparadise could please educate me about transmission.  

[Ronnie10]

16 hours ago, glows said:

Like already mentioned above, start educating yourself. Read up everything you can about the virus and what your chances of contracting it will be. Would you be able to be intimate with this person, would it bother you, would it cause resentment if you contracted it? You are putting your health at risk and potentially adding a completely new dimension on the way you take care of your health and how you date someone who has a risk of passing you a virus. Your body, your life so make a decision that best suits you. 

You sound on the fence about it so take your time with this and absorb all the info you need. Don't make any hasty or ill-informed decisions.

i am definitely on the fence about it. the nice guy in me has me on the fence, taking also into i havent been dating in such a long time and clicking with someone. i also know that can happen with anyone. i just need to be a man and break it off yet i dont see why im struggling to. 

 

i dont want herpes and i dont want it affecting my future dating life as well. because im sure this is not a relationship i want long term.

[Ronnie10]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you feel this way back away.  I dated a guy once that I really liked who had it and broke it off.  This was decades ago and I'm still glad I did.

how did you break it off with him?

[Ronnie10]

15 hours ago, salparadise said:

First thing you should probably do it get tested yourself. If you happen to have it without knowing it, you might end up being a match instead of a mismatch. 

There are two types, HSV 1 and HSV 2. 1 is usually oral (fever blisters), and 2 is usually genital. But either can be located oral or genital. If she contracted it from giving a BJ and you've been kissing, you could be at risk (for either type), esp. if she's not on antiviral medication. It can be contracted without active blisters, although less likely.

Nobody wants this stuff. The stigma is said to be worse than the disease, but like someone else said, if you get it you will have to do disclosures every time you meet someone new, and the chances of them sticking around (if they don't have it) are pretty close to zero. This will put a serious cramp in your dating prospects. 

I know a woman who has HSV 2, caught it many years ago. We met on a dating site and she told me about it before we met (we never did meet). We became friends and spoke on the phone pretty often for awhile. She says she doesn't have any trouble finding men willing to sleep with her, which I found strange, but that's the way it works. However, as a man it's going to be different. She HATES it. Says that although she can easily find men willing to have sex, they are all of a certain profile... and the ones she really wants to date (like me) won't take the chance. I feel extremely sad for her, but that doesn't change the equation. She understands and doesn't hold it against me because she'd make the same decision.

If I were you I'd get tested asap, and if negative I'd bow out. If positive I'd date this woman with the thought of marriage (assuming all else works out). Good luck man.

yes we did kiss a few times, she never had any sores or blisters or anything that i would notice. since she never had any outbreaks i dont think she's on any medication. i never asked if she was. and definitely the stigma is huge out there. i've ben reading up on herpes and other STD'S, STI'S and its crazy out here. herpes is so easily contractable and its popularity around the world is unbelievable. 

its the same way im feeling, she's a great girl and i feel for her and her situation, especially the way she got it. everyone has messy exes that leaves them with so many issues and problems, i feel guilty for wanting to just ditch her. 

also im not looking for any prospect of marriage or a wife right now. many factors of my life are up in the air and needs focus, i met her through a mutual friend anf thought i would give it a go. didnt expect this at all though. 

[Ronnie10]

14 hours ago, enigma32 said:

There is never a good way to break things off with someone, you just do it. I'd just let her know that things aren't quite what you are looking for and go your separate ways. It sounds bad but she is probably used to it. 

yeah there never really is. somethings just have to be done. 

[Ronnie10]

14 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

Say exactly what you said in your post above. That you’ve only recently gotten back in the dating pool and you’ve had fun but don’t see it going long term. It’s much better to tell someone sooner rather than later that you’re not into them, no matter what the reason is. Good luck! 

thats true. thank you.