'Dating' in your 40s if you want 'moderate' commitment

[Pumpernickel]

As long as I can think I’ve never been interested in real/“normal” relationships. Even as a child i used to dream of the impossible. Never been attracted to the white picket fence lifestyle and three kids and a dog and a cat kind of scenario. Or to be anybody’s princess. That whole thing never appealed to me.

 

As an adult, all the relationship I’ve ever had were either with committed men or married men. Or “high risk” men - Which means that they had extremely dangerous jobs or jobs abroad in a high risk environment/country (military/air force/marine) etc. etc. 

 

Right now I’m single and I’m quite satisfied with my lifestyle overall, but I’ve been thinking recently about my upbringing and my state of mind in general and also my emotional situation.

 

What I’m attracted to is not normal - it’s actually the exact opposite of what everybody else I know is attracted to. Which is for the most part emotional security, commitment, dependability, monogamy, stability etc. etc. – All of this just doesn’t apply to me. And while I’m quite happy with the way I’m currently living, I’m still curious if there would be any benefit to changing this way of thinking. I’m not saying I CAN change it because I probably can’t. What’s ingrained in my pain is ingrained in my brain. Right? 

 

I guess the only reason why am asking this in the first place is because I feel like even though I am appreciated and loved by my community, friends, family etc. – i Have always felt like I’m “different”. I’m either single or I’m with somebody who’s not marriage material - And while I’m not really having a problem with being different, I’m wondering if I would be happier if I were like them, but then again how do I find a man in my late 40s with my history that would commit to me for me and would capture my heart given that I’m used to extreme highs (and sometimes lows)……. Are there any guys out there who are similar to the guys that I used to date in the past? Extreme risk takers? In all areas of life? And like I said – I’m quite satisfied and happy living by myself and being single.I can look back at many many very fun and fond  memories. I guess I just want a companion who is not super committed to moving in together and stuff like that. I would be quite happy to be in a relationship w/somebody I get together with maybe once or twice a month. Is that even a thing these days?

Edited June 18, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[glows]

I'm not interested in living with anyone. I'm not sure why that makes you different or any more strange than the next person. Pick and choose what you want in your life. It is your life. There are always other norms and standards that others may want to measure themselves by. 

What I'd take a closer look at is why you're dating emotionally unavailable men. You don't have to overexplain yourself to people about what makes you happy. As long as you understand what you want and how you wish to live your life.

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I would be quite happy to be in a relationship w/somebody I get together with maybe once or twice a month. Is that even a thing these days?

What you describe sounds very similar to a "FWB' type arrangement.

I had one "FWB" that I saw 3-4 times a month.  She was quite busy running her own business, and didn't want a traditional relationship.

[Pumpernickel]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

What I'd take a closer look at is why you're dating emotionally unavailable men.

Yes that’s definitely a concern. And while I’ve never been unhappy with these relationships, I’m still wondering why I am seeking them out … I think it’s the commitment-phobia / Combined with the extra thrill

Edited June 18, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yes that’s definitely a concern. And while I’ve never been unhappy with these relationships, I’m still wondering why I am seeking them out … I think it’s the commitment-phobia / Combined with the extra thrill

You've also mentioned you've never had a relationship outside of this type of situation. Maybe it's a good time to try? Raise the bar. 

[Pumpernickel]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

You've also mentioned you've never had a relationship outside of this type of situation. Maybe it's a good time to try? Raise the bar. 

No, I have had committed relationships in the past, but that was mostly when I was younger, that means in my 20s. And even those guys were more like high risk takers who went to Iraq to fight, and other guys who had jobs that were very risky. And also very lucrative. And most of all guys who had jobs that made them live abroad. Which for some reason I appreciated very much. After those long-term relationships I really switched to relationships with committed people. Not sure why. I adore closeness, especially emotionally, but physically I just can’t take it.

 

Must be a childhood thing - I had a mother who was very distant

Edited June 18, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[glows]

33 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

No, I have had committed relationships in the past, but that was mostly when I was younger, that means in my 20s. And even those guys were more like high risk takers who went to Iraq to fight, and other guys who had jobs that were very risky. And also very lucrative. And most of all guys who had jobs that made them live abroad. Which for some reason I appreciated very much. After those long-term relationships I really switched to relationships with committed people. Not sure why. I adore closeness, especially emotionally, but physically I just can’t take it.

 

Must be a childhood thing - I had a mother who was very distant

A lot of people didn't grow up with stellar families or relationships that were perfectly healthy. Have you tried looking into counselling or speaking with a therapist about this? I notice you mention these relationships but speak about them as if you are accepting them and making room for them, and then chalking it up to a distant parent. You seem to both enjoy and dislike yourself - why live like that? If you are not altogether happy about the way you go about things, change. You can change patterns about yourself or your dating if you know what you don't want to keep doing any longer. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by glows

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

What I’m attracted to is not normal - it’s actually the exact opposite of what everybody else I know is attracted to. Which is for the most part emotional security, commitment, dependability, monogamy, stability etc. etc. – All of this just doesn’t apply to me.

"Normal" is essentially a stereotype though. For example a committed couple living together is "normal," but there is a whole "living apart together" crowd as well as LDRs. The man and woman as roughly equal partners is "normal" but there are those who favor male or female dominated relationships. Sex is normal but there are those who almost never do it as well as people with kinks for whom "sex" looks very different from what many see as "normal", etc, etc.

At any rate, I think you have some form of unusual attachment style. It's probably somewhere in the ballpark of avoidant attachment, but of course only a real therapist could tell you that.

There is certainly nothing inherently wrong with this - you are how you are. IF you feel it causes problems for you and wish to change, possibly therapy by a very skilled/experienced therapist could help or at least moderate some of your tendencies. If you're happy with how you are, that is of course fine as well.

[Pumpernickel]

@mark clemson
Thank you. Generally speaking, I guess I am currently in some kind of a stage of self-awareness (they come and go), mostly because I’m single at the moment. And that gives me more time to reflect. I know I’m different, but I also know that this is not “special”, or a problem in itself. I’m just curious about what lies behind it, I guess. 
I do identify myself with somewhat of an avoidant personality, and at the same time - which is weird - I want total emotional enmeshment with a partner (or else it feels like a total waste of time),  which again is the complete opposite of the typically “anxiously attached”. So whenever I am in a relationship that works for me I don’t even think about it. At times like this (right now) when I’m single - I completely overthink this. It’s ridiculous…..

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

 I think it’s the commitment-phobia / Combined with the extra thrill

"The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care" - Emily Dickinson

There is nothing wrong with the parameters of what you want.  Again, (when I was in my early forties) I had a very successful "FWB" arrangement with a woman that did not want commitment.  We didn't just have sex, we talked, laughed, went out to lunch/dinner and did what normal friends do.  We just didn't do all the "dating/courting" that people do in a traditional relationship.  She just didn't have the time for the "whole ball of wax", as she was growing her own business.  This was fine with me, as it gave me time to work on houses and flip real estate.

Does this sound like what you are seeking??  If so, then maybe a modified "FWB" arrangement is what you are after.  I really don't think it will be that hard to find a guy willing to accept those parameters.

[Pumpernickel]

@Happy LemmingYes – that really sounds about right. I would be totally satisfied and happy with a sitch like that - Sex, some good conversation, some good wine, no kids interfering and all together some happy times without the hassle of sharing a home

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

@Happy LemmingYes – that really sounds about right. I would be totally satisfied and happy with a sitch like that - Sex, some good conversation, some good wine, no kids interfering and all together some happy times without the hassle of sharing a home

You just described the relationship I had with this woman.  She had one adult child in college (very far away), she absolutely loved wine, (we shared many bottles together) and the sex was amazing!!  We did not want to share a home.  Her husband had died many years ago in an accident when the child was an infant and she didn't want to re-marry, nor live with anyone.  It fit my life perfectly (at that time).

We had a lot of happy times.

[Pumpernickel]

So here’s the thing – I’ve never (srsly) online dated - And I’m guessing that that’s exactly what I’ll have to do. I am not thrilled. All my previous relationships have just happened. They came easy to me. For this reason, it’s going to be difficult to write up a profile that reflects everything I’m looking for.But I guess that’s exactly going to be my next challenge

[Pumpernickel]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

We had a lot of happy times.

That’s exactly what I’m looking for …

Funny thing is, that’s what I’ve always been looking for and that’s what I’ve always had. I simply don’t want to change that

Edited June 19, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Happy Lemming]

As far as on-line dating?? The woman I mentioned and I met in the same office building.  Her little business was renting office space in this building and I was temping for a separate company in the same building.

I remember she walked past me in the hallway - barefoot...  I jokingly said "Where are you shoes??"  She laughed and said her feet were killing her, we started chit-chatting and I asked her out for drinks.

Just talk to guys you find interesting, make up stuff to talk about, engage them in conversation.   You don't have to go the on-line route, if you don't want to. 

Happy times are just around the corner.

 

[Fletch Lives]

Once or twice a month is .......not much.

Have you ever been in love?

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I get the feeling of not being in "normal" relationships ... since I've been single (with dating and serious dating here and there) most of my adulthood except for a brief, disastrous marriage. 

If you want to try out a long-term relationship, seems to me that you will have to come to terms with having a distant mother. Unfortunately, those parent-child relationships are difficult for an adult-child to unpack because well, that relationship with our family becomes "normal." Most people who want to stop being drawn to unavailable people (or in my case damaged people) seem to need the help of therapy or some support group. That's because the shift you have to make isn't an intellectual one. To change behavior, we have to do emotional work, work that shifts our desires down deep. 

On the other hand, sounds like you're not longing really for something "committed" and "traditional." You're curious about how different you are from all those "normal" married folks around you.  But you're not miserable as you are. That's a cool place to be, seems to me. 

For online dating, you will be a major hit. OMG, trust me: there are plenty of guys who, reading that you aren't crazy about commitment, will bombard you through an online app. You will be so popular that you'll get tired of reading all the responses. So set some limits and some standards--really think about what you want and don't be afraid to revise your profile after you get initial responses. Otherwise, every guy with a functioning pair of lungs will be interested in hanging out with a woman who ain't looking for traditional commitment. Are you kidding me?  

You'll have plenty of guys in their 40s and 50s coming towards you (and probably some in their 30s).You'll likely get a ton of married guys coming after you as well.

 

 

Edited June 19, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

What I’m attracted to is not normal - it’s actually the exact opposite of what everybody else I know is attracted to. Which is for the most part emotional security, commitment, dependability, monogamy, stability etc. etc.

There are so many alternative lifestyles, that 'normal' is not a picket fence. There's polyamory, open relationships, BDSM, etc. All you need to do is find your niche.

[Pumpernickel]

14 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Once or twice a month is .......not much.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. A few times actually. But too much closeness always kills my attraction. 

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

... I guess I just want a companion who is not super committed to moving in together and stuff like that. I would be quite happy to be in a relationship w/somebody I get together with maybe once or twice a month. Is that even a thing these days?

Yes, it's called friends with benefits (FWB).   However, if you expect exclusivity you will have to find a man who shares that same level of libido, that is, once or twice a month is all they want or need.  They do appear to be out there from threads have seen here.

OLD may be made for you.  Women usually complain about how hard it is to find a LTR in OLD not FWB.   

Edited June 19, 2021 by SumGuy

[chillii]

l dunno what the problem is , what's normal ? Your your normal and if your happy then that's what matters and everyone else is their normal. Why does there have to be a reason there's 7 billion  personalities out there.

Not everyone wants a family and stuff. My brothers 50s, been in a 3 1/2 hr away from ea other thing 22yrs. That's his normal. He's never wanted family or marriage. l've known plenty of guys like that. They see ea other every few wks , she comes up to his or he down to hers, they'll stay a wk or two and go home.

Although she's always wanted more , marriage and things, so l really don't know why she stuck with him all this time.

Edited June 20, 2021 by chillii

[Trail Blazer]

On 6/19/2021 at 10:39 AM, Pumpernickel said:

So here’s the thing – I’ve never (srsly) online dated - And I’m guessing that that’s exactly what I’ll have to do. I am not thrilled. All my previous relationships have just happened. They came easy to me. For this reason, it’s going to be difficult to write up a profile that reflects everything I’m looking for.But I guess that’s exactly going to be my next challenge

Since this sounds like it's your first rodeo, be prepared to be very frustrated with the majority of your OLD experience. 

You can't just write up a profile and expect that every guy will read it and respect your wishes.

Personally I found profiles to be a waste of time.  I do believe that women read profiles more than men, though.

If you do make a profile, just go through the motions and expect little, lest you be left quite disappointed and frustrated.