My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

Hello,

My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years so I suppose it is not just an affair. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! I am really into signs and everything I have read, it states Taurus's are loyal and won't cheat but of course here we are. I know we can't lump all Taurus' in one big group but I am very surprised that it seems like he has a real relationship with this woman. It is not just sex from what I see and honestly also from what I have read they have the same love languages. My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaiming me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are OK". He kisses me when I need a kiss. And I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary.

My cousin tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any  advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I have not told him I know.

 

Thank you.

[husbandcheating]

My husband never complains, he never acts as if he is upset or tired of me. He goes along with any and everything that I may bring to the table. And he is the ever loving family man with both of our families.

My birthday was some weeks back and he took me on a week long trip, no kids, just us. For my birthdays, I always do it big and he made sure he did it big for me. The weekend before my birthday, we had family over and then on my actual birthday we left for our trip. We had a great time and we talked and laughed alot. These moments reminds me how much love we have between us. It is confusing me. We talked about buying a new home! Confusion again now that we are home. I am back in the questionable phase of WHY WOULD HE DO ALL OF THIS?

Social Media-He posted me, us and responded to every comment acknolwedging me as his wife! And how much my birthday means to him. How much I mean to him.

The whole trip he hardly was on his phone except for to check in our kids and talking to family.

When we got back home, I checked his phone to see he actually did contact her and made sure to "check in" with her everyday we were on our trip. UNBELIEVABLE. He told her "The pictures I take with her is like standing next to my co worker, let me handle things over here, everything I tell you is everything that I am. You have me. Just handling this for a little more. I'm not building with you just because. I don't build with anyone for nothing." Kissing, holding me, affectionate moments is like standing next to your co worker????? 

She asked him what does handling things mean and his response was "Playing the supporting role". 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking

It isn't his anger talking, sadly. 

It sounds as though he is preparing to end the marriage and be with his mistress. 

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

My cousin tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me

I don't really get what your cousin was trying to say here. He is not literally obligated to be with you, but maybe your cousin meant that your husband felt obligated to stay this long because of the children - even though he clearly emotionally left the marriage a while ago. 

 

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

I have not told him I know.

You need to tell him. Today. He knew this day would come, sooner or later. It wasn't going to be possible to live a double-life forever. Honestly, I don't think this is salvagable. He broke your trust in just about every way imaginable and it's very obvious he is not interested in the marriage any longer. Whether or not he will actually leave when push comes to shove is another story, but I think your marriage is over for all intents and purposes. I'm sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Do you want a divorce?

Sadly he's telling her how horrible you are, that you're "just like roommates" and that he's "only staying for the kids."

These are the typical lies and lines cheaters tell thier lovers.

At the same time, he'll tell you "it meant nothing",  "I made a mistake", and of course  "it's over now".

These are the typical lies and lines cheaters tell thier spouses.

Consult an attorney for advice on your options in divorce.

Also go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. Be frank and explain to your doctor that your husband runs around.

At the same time, ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort out some of this.   

 

Edited June 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It isn't his anger talking, sadly. 

It sounds as though he is preparing to end the marriage and be with his mistress. 

I don't really get what your cousin was trying to say here. He is not literally obligated to be with you, but maybe your cousin meant that your husband felt obligated to stay this long because of the children - even though he clearly emotionally left the marriage a while ago. 

 

You need to tell him. Today. He knew this day would come, sooner or later. It wasn't going to be possible to live a double-life forever. Honestly, I don't think this is salvagable. He broke your trust in just about every way imaginable and it's very obvious he is not interested in the marriage any longer. Whether or not he will actually leave when push comes to shove is another story, but I think your marriage is over for all intents and purposes. I'm sorry. 

 Thank you ExpatInItaly. When he did mention that "unhappy" that was years ago. He has never moved in on this "unhappiness" which is why I have always thought, it was something said out of anger.

When I got pregnant as a teenager, he had vowed to remain a consistent figure in his childs life, then he decided to marry me. We got pregnant within months of us being together and my cousin thinks he really never loved me in a way a "husband should want his wife" that he felt obligated because we had a child together and he has stayed this long to be that consistent figure in our children lives. because he is "dutiful". I don't see this at all. 

We have a deep history, and again, he still does all of our family outings, family vacations, and he even acknowledges me on social media, to me this says a leap.

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you want a divorce?

Sadly he's telling her how horrible you are, that you're "just like roommates" and that he's "only staying for the kids."

These are the typical lies and lines cheaters tell thier lovers.

At the same time, he'll tell you "it meant nothing",  "I made a mistake", and of course  "it's over now".

These are the typical lies and lines cheaters tell thier spouses.

Consult an attorney for advice on your options in divorce.

Also go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. Be frank and explain to your doctor that your husband runs around.

At the same time, ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort out some of this.   

 

Thank you Wiseman2. I do not want a divorce. He is the only man that I have loved since we were younger. We are a great love story. Our home is happy and I do not want to break up our happy home. 

Thank you for this.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

. We are a great love story. Our home is happy and I do not want to break up our happy home. 

Does he know that you know about the affair?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

he even acknowledges me on social media

Uh...it would be very strange if he didn't acknowledge his own wife and mother of his child on social media. 

 

10 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

to me this says a leap

It does? You talk about this man as if you've just starting dating him and hoping he's committed. He's your husband, for heaven's sake. Everything you describe should be a given in a decade-old marriage, not a "leap."

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Our home is happy

No, sadly, you've just discovered it is not happy. He is not happy and he has told you this. His cheating confirms he is not invested in you anymore. The happy home you thought you had is an illusion. You might not want to break it up, but he already is. 

Sweeping all of this under the rug isn't going to make it not true. 

[husbandcheating]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he know that you know about the affair?

He does not. I have been going back and forth with the idea of bringing it up because I do feel that this woman will eventually leave. He will break things off and focus on me and our family. But like I said, he hasn't missed anything, he always with us at family affairs, and is a great family man! 

[husbandcheating]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Uh...it would be very strange if he didn't acknowledge his own wife and mother of his child on social media. 

 

It does? You talk about this man as if you've just starting dating him and hoping he's committed. He's your husband, for heaven's sake. Everything you describe should be a given in a decade-old marriage, not a "leap."

No, sadly, you've just discovered it is not happy. He is not happy and he has told you this. His cheating confirms he is not invested in you anymore. The happy home you thought you had is an illusion. You might not want to break it up, but he already is. 

Sweeping all of this under the rug isn't going to make it not true. 

That is why I do think this woman is temporary, he continues to do all of these things, it is not like he acting any different. He goes to all of the family gatherings, sometimes date nights, social media recognition. Our anniversary was in January and he publicly acknowledged it. Valentine's day he acknowledged online. Family vacations. If he thought we were truly just co-parents and roommates, why the above especially with the public acknowledgments. This is something that I put a lot of stock in because social media is important to me and for him to do those things as far as posting does mean a great lot to me. It also means alot that he does all of our family outings, etc, I do not make him do these things, so if we were really roommates, would he do such things? If he wasn't happy, why continue to do such things? He told me this maybe 7 years ago and here we are 7 years later with our family still in tact. Does "unhappy" really count as something he really meant? If he was unhappy, i think he would of made a leap to leave me, instead he has stayed and continue to do what he has always done, being a husband and a father without me telling him to do so. If someone is unhappy in a marriage, wouldn't they move differently?

Thank you again.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

i think he would of made a leap to leave me,

I think that is exactly what is preparing to do. 

He's set up a business with her. He's looking for property with her. 

You are in deep denial, I'm afraid. Brace yourself and contact a good family law attorney. You need to be informed about what you are entitled to when he serves you with divorce papers. 

[lana-banana]

Affairs can come and go, but he's made legal steps (a business, a property) to tie himself to her, which you need to take very seriously. Even if he doesn't actually pull the trigger you have got to be ready for him to do it. For all you know he is already transferring money to their "business" to shield it from you and the kids! Talk to an attorney today to ensure you're in the best possible place, get all your ducks in a row (you have your own bank accounts, right?) THEN let him know that you know.

Edited June 20, 2021 by lana-banana

[Starswillshine]

Before you tell him you know, gather ALL evidence. Get what you can. Set up a new email address and email yourself everything. Or put it on a flash drive and get a safety deposit box... or a friend. 

Sounds like your husband is able to compartmentalize. Are you OK with him having this affair as long as he does not leave you? And when I say ok, I mean... REALLY ok or are you in knots, cant eat, can't sleep, crying, etc...? Because that is no way to live. 

He may never leave you and just be happy to have two women. But it is up to you control your life and how you are treated. Given the time line you have stated, you are still relatively young with a long life ahead of you. You don't need to be constantly looking over your back... that is no way to live. Trust me!!!! 

My ex-husband was a guy who acted like I hung the moon, meanwhile behind my back had multiple affairs. I left him after trying to work it out following discovery. I couldn't live like that. 

Hugs. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He does not. I do feel that this woman will eventually leave. He will break things off and focus on me and our family.

Ok, then use the blind eye approach and hopefully this will be his last affair.

Is he spending money on her /the affair that cuts into your kids future? Have you been tested for STDs?

While you believe his philandering doesn't affect your happy family, it may affect your health and finances.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

But like I said, he hasn't missed anything, he always with us at family affairs, and is a great family man! 

Well then, you have no problem. Right?

[husbandcheating]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think that is exactly what is preparing to do. 

He's set up a business with her. He's looking for property with her. 

You are in deep denial, I'm afraid. Brace yourself and contact a good family law attorney. You need to be informed about what you are entitled to when he serves you with divorce papers. 

I suppose I am in denial, knowing him for half of our lives, I do not see him wanting a divorce as 2 of our children is still in elementary. He would never want his family to be split in two, not waking up to our children every morning, which is why I am wondering why this woman is still around. If he wanted a divorce why didn't he do that yet when he originally stated he was unhappy.

I have thought about contacting a lawyer just to see as I work but he is the sole breadwinner.

[husbandcheating]

3 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Affairs can come and go, but he's made legal steps (a business, a property) to tie himself to her, which you need to take very seriously. Even if he doesn't actually pull the trigger you have got to be ready for him to do it. For all you know he is already transferring money to their "business" to shield it from you and the kids! Talk to an attorney today to ensure you're in the best possible place, get all your ducks in a row (you have your own bank accounts, right?) THEN let him know that you know.

Thank you lana-banana. We do have our own bank accounts and he handles all household bills, etc..I have been fortunate in this area.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

If he wanted a divorce why didn't he do that yet

He’s found a way to have the best of both worlds. 

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Before you tell him you know, gather ALL evidence. Get what you can. Set up a new email address and email yourself everything. Or put it on a flash drive and get a safety deposit box... or a friend. 

Sounds like your husband is able to compartmentalize. Are you OK with him having this affair as long as he does not leave you? And when I say ok, I mean... REALLY ok or are you in knots, cant eat, can't sleep, crying, etc...? Because that is no way to live. 

He may never leave you and just be happy to have two women. But it is up to you control your life and how you are treated. Given the time line you have stated, you are still relatively young with a long life ahead of you. You don't need to be constantly looking over your back... that is no way to live. Trust me!!!! 

My ex-husband was a guy who acted like I hung the moon, meanwhile behind my back had multiple affairs. I left him after trying to work it out following discovery. I couldn't live like that. 

Hugs. 

Thank you Starswillshine. I am not ok with this woman. I am waiting for him to finally dump her. Just last week he posted a beautiful post on his social media page and later that night I found out he was at an early dinner with her right before he came home to play games with the kids. We have too many years together. 

I am so sorry that happened to you. This is ridiculous.  

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

I am waiting for him to finally dump her.

Do you have any evidence that this will happen? Or, is this magical thinking? 

Seems to me he is doing the opposite, if he started a business with the woman. 

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, then use the blind eye approach and hopefully this will be his last affair.

Is he spending money on her /the affair that cuts into your kids future? Have you been tested for STDs?

While you believe his philandering doesn't affect your happy family, it may affect your health and finances.

I know that they both have invested major money into the business they created. I also knows that our childrens set up has not changed as he is very good with financials. I am not a part of the financials too much. I have also read texts between them talking about a lot of financial matters. 

I have not been tested, but I will make sure to make an appointment.

[BaileyB]

Just now, husbandcheating said:

he is very good with financials. I am not a part of the financials too much.

You need to be. This is a big mistake, giving him control of your finances. 

[husbandcheating]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, you have no problem. Right?

I definitely have a problem BaileyB. I want him to focus on our family and our love. We have known each other half of our lives. If he is staying, I know that he loves me so he needs to focus on that. If he didnt love me, he wouldnt post me, or attend family events, etc. so I want him to focus on that.

[husbandcheating]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s found a way to have the best of both worlds. 

Thank you BaileyB. I don't believe there is a world with her, most likely sex and I guess I just don't want to blow up our family for sex. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, husbandcheating said:

Thank you BaileyB. I don't believe there is a world with her, most likely sex and I guess I just don't want to blow up our family for sex. 

Quote

I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property!

If that’s not a world, I don’t know what is - 

This is not about sex.