My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Pumpernickel]

How are you not more pissed off? You cannot put up with this, and he needs to know that. In contrast to some other posters, I do not recommend that you confront him just yet, though.

Having an affair, building a business with somebody else, looking for real estate behind your back ....... that evidence will come in quite handy in a divorce. Gather as much as you can; more evidence is better than less (assuming you're not doing anything illegal, like breaking into his business e-mails, etc.). Get all your documentation to a lawyer, and go from there. This is not just a sex affair with a horny cheater who is bored in the bedroom and wants a fling and some attention on the side – this is a legit double-life. I am curious how you read his communication with her. Doesn't he lock his phone? 

I am certain there will be some reaction from him as soon as he knows that you know. And he might act remorseful; but honeslty, even if he does, how do you come back from that amount of deceit?  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

This is very frightening. We have children and he is a wonderful father. I also love him, we have too much history to throw away.

Ok. not everyone who experiences infidelity gets divorced.

However since they are planning a future, are involved financially and sexually, protect yourself in those areas, since you are not willing to confront this or divorce.

Check your finances, credit scores, credit cards, bank accounts, etc.

See what he is buying and planning with her. Did they buy a house together for their future?

And of course get STD testing and do not have sex without condoms.

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet he is doing exactly that by having an affair to begin with. 

Unforuantely, even long marriages sometimes come to an end. Having a lot of history together does not guarantee that someone's feelings won't change to the point that they leave. 

Thank you. I understand. If I wouldn’t of saw that notification pop into the phone that day, I wouldn’t have known anything. He is the exact same when it comes to his feelings.

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

We had a good marriage. 4 kids. And 20 years..... I was also a SAHM. I get how scary it is. But I am so much happier now that I dont have to deal with the deceit. IMO, it is scarier when everything is great, yet they are stabbing in the back. It is the most deceitful when they act like everything is fine. 

Wow. Thank you: 

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yes and I don't think it was easy for him but the pull was too great.  No I never discussed his decision with him but of course my parents threw a fit.  After 16 years they didn't act like they did when they first got married but he did and acted like a good husband.   Anyone can put on an act for a little while.

We do not act like we did in the beginning but I do feel that we still have a connection and especially through our children. He is a very good dad and good husband so it is hard to understand that feelings have changed especially since he is still active and there. I have heard stories of men that have mentally checked out of the marriage but act that way, there is no attending family events, or taking their wives for week long trips for their birthday. They may not tell her but the actions he portrays to her says what is not said. This is not the case. He continues to be as he was. 

[husbandcheating]

55 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

How are you not more pissed off? You cannot put up with this, and he needs to know that. In contrast to some other posters, I do not recommend that you confront him just yet, though.

Having an affair, building a business with somebody else, looking for real estate behind your back ....... that evidence will come in quite handy in a divorce. Gather as much as you can; more evidence is better than less (assuming you're not doing anything illegal, like breaking into his business e-mails, etc.). Get all your documentation to a lawyer, and go from there. This is not just a sex affair with a horny cheater who is bored in the bedroom and wants a fling and some attention on the side – this is a legit double-life. I am curious how you read his communication with her. Doesn't he lock his phone? 

I am certain there will be some reaction from him as soon as he knows that you know. And he might act remorseful; but honeslty, even if he does, how do you come back from that amount of deceit?  

I am very pissed. But I also don’t want to make a decision and break up our home. We have children and they rely on us. He is a good husband and father. He doesn’t know that I have the code to his phone and he sometimes leaves his phone when he is working in our home office. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

we still have a connection and especially through our children

You will always have a connection through your children whether you are with him or not.  My brother has always been in his son's life and still is to this day.  Of course so is my ex-sister-in law even though they haven't physically seen each other in years.   He may divorce you but will not divorce his kids.

Edited June 20, 2021 by stillafool

[Pumpernickel]

4 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

He is a good husband and father.

He is not a good husband, because he's deceiving you. As far as parenting, that usually continues after a divorce. He is still a dad, no matter what. I mean – what's the alternative? Are you going to continue watching this silently?

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I also don’t want to make a decision and break up our home.

He’s already making this decision for you… he just hasn’t actually packed his bags yet. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I have the code to his phone and he sometimes leaves his phone when he is working in our home office. 

What suspicions did you have that prompted you to look through his phone? Usually there is a gut feeling something doesn't add up, no?

[Yosemite]

He's not covering his tracks very well...he could use a burner phone or one of those apps that automatically delete the message after it's read, but he hasn't bothered to. Do you think that on some level that he wants you to find out so that you'll either leave him or so that you'll be less devastated/shocked and therefore less tears/begging/attempts for counseling when he finally does leave?

Idk how you continue to do nice things for him like birthday trips to the beach when you can read him trashing your thoughtfulness and kindness to her the very next day. Are you feeling that your self-esteem and self-respect are very low right now?

[hajk]

@husbandcheating check out the following thread from the other woman's perspective.  The cheating husband dropped his affair partner like a hot potatoes once his wife found out, and the other woman learned that every word he had told her were lies.

 

 

[MsJayne]

17 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property!

Sorry to read about your situation, it's very sad. He's waiting until your children are old enough to cope with the separation and divorce. He married you, and has stayed with you, out of a sense of duty and obligation, but he's planning a bright future with his AP.  Your cousin is spot on in her assessment of what's going on, and you're in denial. I wouldn't confront him, I'd quietly have a lawyer investigate and establish his interest in this "secret business" right now, so there's no confusion, (about what share he owns and how much money - that belongs to both of you - he's invested), when he announces that he's leaving x number of years down the track. You can sit there and pretend everything is OK and wait for the axe to fall, or you can take affirmative action and prepare yourself. The front that he puts on for family and friends is just that, a front to protect his image, and also perhaps so that your children feel secure in their family environment. He thinks after all those years of being Mr Perfect, the good husband, good father, the all 'round good guy, he deserves the reward of being with the woman he's in love with. He cares for you, but he's only there for the children, and is very lonely in your marriage if he's so involved with someone else. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by MsJayne

[BiancaSW]

My thread was linked to yours. I have been the OW for a year to a married guy with two small children. His wife found out about us - he turned the tables round and blamed me for everything and did what his wife asked of him - changed his phone number and workplace. She claimed they had a happy home and I was trying to lure in her helpless innocent husband - who is the only victim in this whole thing - saying how I was a predator forcing him into sexual acts - which is of course a completely false! He was very closely involved with me - was telling me about his strong feelings every single day, we were texting 24/7, sex three/four times a week, he wanted me to visit his mums grave and we shared the most intimate things out there.

he sadly, turned out to be a rotten person, who cares for no one but himself. so when your husband will come up with bullshit excuses - remember there are always two sides to each story. And if it will help you to heal - you can believe everything he says, that’s what my MMs wife did - she rushed to protect him against me and to defend her wee helpless boy.  

Also, I hope your husband is a decent person and will be able to be truthful to you!

Edited June 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[husbandcheating]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

You will always have a connection through your children whether you are with him or not.  My brother has always been in his son's life and still is to this day.  Of course so is my ex-sister-in law even though they haven't physically seen each other in years.   He may divorce you but will not divorce his kids.

I want to continue living as husband and wife with our children being with us both. I want him to realize that his love for me and his children is important.

[husbandcheating]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What suspicions did you have that prompted you to look through his phone? Usually there is a gut feeling something doesn't add up, no?

There was nothing but one day he left his phone on the desk and a message popped up and it was a preview. (Which I do think was a mistake as he must of pushed the wrong key)

[husbandcheating]

4 hours ago, Yosemite said:

He's not covering his tracks very well...he could use a burner phone or one of those apps that automatically delete the message after it's read, but he hasn't bothered to. Do you think that on some level that he wants you to find out so that you'll either leave him or so that you'll be less devastated/shocked and therefore less tears/begging/attempts for counseling when he finally does leave?

Idk how you continue to do nice things for him like birthday trips to the beach when you can read him trashing your thoughtfulness and kindness to her the very next day. Are you feeling that your self-esteem and self-respect are very low right now?

I don't feel he feels the need to do that because his phone is his phone, he doesn't let even the kids near his phone, this has always been. He also is not a phone person so he is never on his phone at home.

I want to believe that those lies, and while I do not like a liar, my main wish is for her to disappear or for him to gain some clarity as to what he really needs and that is our family.

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, hajk said:

@husbandcheating check out the following thread from the other woman's perspective.  The cheating husband dropped his affair partner like a hot potatoes once his wife found out, and the other woman learned that every word he had told her were lies.

 

 

Thank you.

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sorry to read about your situation, it's very sad. He's waiting until your children are old enough to cope with the separation and divorce. He married you, and has stayed with you, out of a sense of duty and obligation, but he's planning a bright future with his AP.  Your cousin is spot on in her assessment of what's going on, and you're in denial. I wouldn't confront him, I'd quietly have a lawyer investigate and establish his interest in this "secret business" right now, so there's no confusion, (about what share he owns and how much money - that belongs to both of you - he's invested), when he announces that he's leaving x number of years down the track. You can sit there and pretend everything is OK and wait for the axe to fall, or you can take affirmative action and prepare yourself. The front that he puts on for family and friends is just that, a front to protect his image, and also perhaps so that your children feel secure in their family environment. He thinks after all those years of being Mr Perfect, the good husband, good father, the all 'round good guy, he deserves the reward of being with the woman he's in love with. He cares for you, but he's only there for the children, and is very lonely in your marriage if he's so involved with someone else. 

Thank you. We have some years until our youngest turns college age, is it really that possible for him to stay in something that long based on just pure duty and obligation? I am his wife and he still maintains everything. Is this really out of duty?????? Like I am some kind of chore?????? 

 

"The woman that he is in love with"?? He cares for me but he is only there for the children?? These are blows..

[lana-banana]

6 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

my main wish is for her to disappear or for him to gain some clarity as to what he really needs and that is our family.

He is actively getting *more* involved with her, not less. This is obviously not just about sex and she is not going to disappear anytime soon, if ever. The question is what are you going to do about it?

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

My thread was linked to yours. I have been the OW for a year to a married guy with two small children. His wife found out about us - he turned the tables round and blamed me for everything and did what his wife asked of him - changed his phone number and workplace. She claimed they had a happy home and I was trying to lure in her helpless innocent husband - who is the only victim in this whole thing - saying how I was a predator forcing him into sexual acts - which is of course a completely false! He was very closely involved with me - was telling me about his strong feelings every single day, we were texting 24/7, sex three/four times a week, he wanted me to visit his mums grave and we shared the most intimate things out there.

he sadly, turned out to be a rotten person, who cares for no one but himself. so when your husband will come up with bullshit excuses - remember there are always two sides to each story. And if it will help you to heal - you can believe everything he says, that’s what my MMs wife did - she rushed to protect him against me and to defend her wee helpless boy.  

Also, I hope your husband is a decent person and will be able to be truthful to you!

I am so sorry this happened to you and thank you for your side. Speaking from the wife's perspective, I can see why she is trying to save her marriage. She may be loathing at him but we are a unit at the end of it all and if she wants to keep her family together, she will do anything, including defending him. I am trying to understand why he won't let her go.

[husbandcheating]

Today we went to his father's house for a Father's Day Extravaganza. Both of our families attended and it was a great time building memories. We are still here but they are all watching tv in the family room. I love when our families come together to celebrate things like Father's Day! He has been stellar today, lots of love and affection and he even left his phone at home. If he was so entangled with that woman, wouldn't you all think his phone would be attached to his hip. His focus today has been me and our family. Very present. I was even testing him to see if he would kiss me when I go in for them and every single time he has kissed me back, no hesitation. These are the things that drives me to know this is a temporary.  He isn't worried about that woman at all. All attention with us.

[MsJayne]

14 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

"The woman that he is in love with"?? He cares for me but he is only there for the children?? These are blows..

I'm sorry, it's not meant to be hurtful, just straightforward based on what you've told us, and what you're describing is a man who's up to something. It's also what your cousin thinks and I assume he/she is there in person observing. If you're confident that he's completely happy in your marriage, and his female friend is nothing to worry about, perhaps you should just confront him about the messages and put your mind at ease. If my husband was turning to another woman for advice and support, and starting up a "secret" business with that woman, I'd be furious and devastated, and I would definitely want to know just how much of your money he's invested without your knowledge. Do you know what sort of business it is? Is his name on any documents, or is it possible that he's just loaned her money to start her own business and he has no actual ownership or pecuniary interest? That still wouldn't be acceptable, but at least it would look less like he had a long-term plan involving a future with the AP. 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

If he was so entangled with that woman, wouldn't you all think his phone would be attached to his hip.

I think they are probably capable of separating for 6 hours. 

36 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I was even testing him to see if he would kiss me when I go in for them and every single time he has kissed me back, no hesitation.

This isn’t considered “success” in most marriages. This is the norm. And, it’s a ridiculous barometer from which to judge your husband’s love and commitment to you… or lack thereof. 

37 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

All attention with us.

Until Monday. When they are back to work, building their business together… and who knows what else. 

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I think they are probably capable of separating for 6 hours. 

This isn’t considered “success” in most marriages. This is the norm. And, it’s a ridiculous barometer from which to judge your husband’s love and commitment to you… or lack thereof. 

Until Monday. When they are back to work, building their business together… and who knows what else. 

We are currently home and he is sleep. He definitely wasn't thinking about her and his phone. BaileyB, I think I am just speaking on how is he is still invested with me and our family. I don't want to say the test is considered success in a marriage, but if he was completely in love with her and fell out with me, the affection would be far and few between. He could easily say no, or do something else to deflect, but he doesn't. To add on to that today he posted "To my beautiful wife, thank you making my Father's day great". 

"Until Monday" that to me is ridiculous as well. I am with him everyday, he is at our home everyday, he is invested, I wouldn't want to be the woman that is "until Monday" which in turn I keep thinking she will eventually go away so he can focus on his real life.