My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[BaileyB]

As has been shared above, men who are cheating are very capable of doing loving things for their wives. They can be in happy relationships, they can have frequent sex, they can have vacations planned, and they can take family photos… and then, go visit their AP the next day. 

You really don’t need to share more examples of how your husband participates in your family life. This may be enough to make it worth your while to stay in the marriage but there is not a single person here who will believe he is a committed family man if he is engaging in a sexual affair with his business partner. 

It’s like saying an employee who embezzles money is committed to the company because he works really hard when he is in the office. It doesn’t change the fact that he is undermining the integrity of the business by stealing for his own personal gain. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

What am I trying to say is he doesn't worry too much about talking to her if he is present with me. That to me says alot and that I am the "important" one if you will.

This makes no sense.

He's had a secret girlfriend for 3 years. Were you not around for that, or? 

[Indigo Night]

53 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I We do not have sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but to me I thought daily life has finally caught up to him and sex is a back burner. I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

 

That would be one of the most common reasons for infidelity, lack of sex. He loves sex, and you love to talk about your day. It sounds like his acceptance over lack of sex with you, is because he isn't experiencing the lack anymore because of her. If his AP is giving him what he wants, of course he is happy, and trying to be with her.

As for my ex, he was attractive and charming, and women we're always attracted to him. His cheating didn't surprise me. The amount he cheated did. Why did we get married? I was his trophy (he was my first, and I was young and pretty at the time, and did everything for him) I was a possession he could control.

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I have heard stories of men that have mentally checked out of the marriage but act that way, there is no attending family events, or taking their wives for week long trips for their birthday.

Oh he definitely attended family events on our families side as well as my ex sister-in-laws family.  He pretty much had to as the kids were heavily involved with the families (you know, cousins their age and such) holiday celebrations, family get togethers and reunions, kids look forward to that.

[Indigo Night]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you LynneVicious. I keep thinking if he didn't want me, he wouldn't be here and active participant. So I know that if I hang on, he will come to his senses and drop this woman who means nothing compared to our years from teenagers to now.

No, you don't KNOW he will hang on and come to his senses. You just hope that he will. After a 3 year affair, with making promises of a future with her, and bring in business together, it didn't sound like he's working too hard to salvage your marriage. 

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you LynneVicious. I keep thinking if he didn't want me, he wouldn't be here and active participant. So I know that if I hang on, he will come to his senses and drop this woman who means nothing compared to our years from teenagers to now.

Unfortunately, this is unrealistic thinking. Allowing him to cheat and hoping he will just dump her will backfire big time. He’s already been with her for 3 years. That is a double life. 
 

And he obviously doesn’t think of her as ‘nothing’ if he’s investing with her and has been with her for 3 years. Are you not concerned about using joint marital money to invest with this other woman? Are you really going to just smoke the hopium pipe and pray that he just comes to his senses?

 

Im sorry Op, but you have to take some proactive measures. Most married men who cheat want to keep their cozy family life with some fun on the side. However, he’s building a while other life with her. Per your words, it sounds like he is staying for his kids. So when his kids are old enough, he will then leave for this ow. All the while,you’ve been hanging on hoping he comes to his senses. Wasting years and years of your life. 
 

You absolutely need to see a lawyer and find out options and absolutely need to see a therapist or someone you can confide in who can knock some sense into you. 
 

You are being betrayed. He is putting your health, financial security, your family and your sanity at risk. 

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Most married men who cheat want to keep their cozy family life with some fun on the side. However, he’s building a while other life with her.

This is the most concerning thing. Buying property together and going into a business together means he plans to keep her around long- term and is quite serious with her. Granted, he may be planning to keep the both of them forever. She may be happy with that arrangement as well. There are many stories of the wife living in the house, and the mistress living in some shared apartment and this goes on for their life. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

I keep thinking if he didn't want me, he wouldn't be here and active participant. So I know that if I hang on, he will come to his senses and drop this woman who means nothing compared to our years from teenagers to now.

Not necessarily.

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

We do not ave sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but to me I thought daily life has finally caught up to him and sex is a back burner. I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

He gave up on you and sought sex elsewhere.
Love and sex is often very much aligned in men's minds.
He will often love the woman he is having sex with..
Lots of men on here have stated this.
A woman he is not having sex with is a room mate, she is no longer the love of his life.
She may be the mother if his children, he may like her as a person, but once he sex is gone, the love goes too.

Sounds to me like your husband is trying hard to cover up his affair and to put you off the scent. 

I don't know his intentions, but as Lana said this is not the "usual" temporary affair. 
He is young, compared to a lot of MM, older guys will not leave as they have too much to lose and starting again is just too hard.
Your guy is of an age where starting again is feasible.
This has carried on undiscovered for 3 years, which in itself may not mean much, but they have enmeshed themselves in each other's lives.
The secret business, the joint financial implications, her advisory role in his life, and the  emotional connection are not things that show he is a man who is in a frivolous, fun and ultimately temporary affair.

Edited June 21, 2021 by elaine567

[elaine567]

Duplicate

Edited June 21, 2021 by elaine567

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Granted, he may be planning to keep the both of them forever.

We recently had a story on this site of a woman in business with a man for seven years. She was bothered when the wife would call and interrupt their time together at work. Among other things, “the office” served as a convenient location for sex - no need to sneak around or rent hotel rooms. The whole affair was conducted under the legitimate context of a business partnership. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lisa_Lisa]

I don't think he's going to leave you. The only way he'll get with his mistress in any legitimate way is when/if you divorce him. The mistress will be happy that she'll have him all to herself, but you don't want that, I know. Worst case scenario, he does end up living with her and marrying her, he's not going to like having step-children around. He'll feel guilty that he's there semi-raising them and missing out on the lives of his own children. The love and passion and sex will go out the window and she'll become unappealing to him. They have a "business" together, but that can be dissolved. The business thing was probably her idea to keep him tied to her any way she can. Your husband is obviously not all in with the mistress and I doubt he actually wants anything serious with her. He just wants to keep the sex supply running. She knows this too because if she stopped having sex with him then he'll just happily go back 100% to you. Let's say for whatever reason he does end up leaving you (which I doubt), it won't last. She'll just be a wife and another obligation he has to deal with. What both you and the mistress have to accept is that he is not a good person. He has flawed character traits that don't make for a good husband, sure he can be a good friend and father, but husband? No, a good man does not lead a double life, lying, cheating, and telling one woman one thing and another woman nothing. He will always be like this no matter who he might with in the future. 

[husbandcheating]

I see everyones comments and I will respond. I wanted to update. Today he left his phone while he was on a zoom call in the office and I looked into his phone again. A text message (preview) between him and his brother caught my eye. The only thing I saw was "I do love her, I am in love with her and I am going to make it work" I immediately had joy knowing that the message was meant about me. When I opened the text message, the whole message was about this woman. I am HURTING. He told his brother how he feels that him and that woman have a connection he has never felt and how with me he was doing what was right when I got pregnant as teenagers. How he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". "husbandcheating and I relationship is good, she is a great person, you know that and I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household" "She thinks she loves me but she doesn't, she's just used to me because we have known each other since high school" "Amanda has a hard time dealing with things and we talk it out, she doesn't like the circumstances of course, but she is willing to stay the course and putting the trust in me to handle this over here" "No she hates it, and she's upset about it but she understands it and knows its a lot to unpack in a long marriage, she was in one and was unhappy"  "Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

"She thinks she loves me but she doesn't"?????????????????????? 

" I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household"?????????????????????????

""Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

There was so much more but apparently my husband is on drugs smh. He has never hinted at any thing! He thinks I don't love him????? I don't understand!

[BaileyB]

It was convenient of him to text the whole story to his brother… And what are the odds that you happened to see that text message?

It seems to me, you need to find yourself a lawyer and prepare for divorce. 

[husbandcheating]

The text messages between him and Amanda (I now know her name because all he calls her is baby), she texted him yesterday and he texted her this morning asking how her day was yesterday. She told him "baby did you have a good time at (naming my familys name-so she knows my family by name???? and knew all of the plans for yesterday?????) " He told her he had an "OK" time and that it is always fun with family but he would of rather relaxed on his day. She in turn said "well honey we still have the rest of the month to continue the celebration!" He says "Baby you have been spoiling me all month for Father's Day, you spoil me everyday, I miss you and love you baby" I AM DISGUSTED. He then asked her " Are you ready for the next big venture?" Her response "Of course, what are you thinking, lets secure these nest eggs!" And they went to talk about some damn idea he thought of while being at OUR FAMILYS HOUSE yesterday. He then told her to contact the same person she contacted before for his sister. His sister is in a rehab facility. So he has doing things for his sister?????????????????????????????????????

[husbandcheating]

He is telling this woman personal information about OUR FAMILY and having her "handle things"??????????????? She made him a damn doctor's appointment!!!!!!!! 

[husbandcheating]

This Amanda has to be stupid. He told her he wasn't leaving me and that he was "handling his household". He enjoys spending time with his family! I know that if she bows out, we can get things back on track but this is all very hurtful!

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Oh he definitely attended family events on our families side as well as my ex sister-in-laws family.  He pretty much had to as the kids were heavily involved with the families (you know, cousins their age and such) holiday celebrations, family get togethers and reunions, kids look forward to that.

That is how our family is. Everyone is really close. We both have huge families. 

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

No, you don't KNOW he will hang on and come to his senses. You just hope that he will. After a 3 year affair, with making promises of a future with her, and bring in business together, it didn't sound like he's working too hard to salvage your marriage. 

I do hope that he does. I do think that he will eventually drop her because I am his wife. He can make "promises" but I doubt he will fulfill them, because he has me. Even with the latest events, I am thinking maybe he is going through a mid life crisis. 

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Unfortunately, this is unrealistic thinking. Allowing him to cheat and hoping he will just dump her will backfire big time. He’s already been with her for 3 years. That is a double life. 
 

And he obviously doesn’t think of her as ‘nothing’ if he’s investing with her and has been with her for 3 years. Are you not concerned about using joint marital money to invest with this other woman? Are you really going to just smoke the hopium pipe and pray that he just comes to his senses?

 

Im sorry Op, but you have to take some proactive measures. Most married men who cheat want to keep their cozy family life with some fun on the side. However, he’s building a while other life with her. Per your words, it sounds like he is staying for his kids. So when his kids are old enough, he will then leave for this ow. All the while,you’ve been hanging on hoping he comes to his senses. Wasting years and years of your life. 
 

You absolutely need to see a lawyer and find out options and absolutely need to see a therapist or someone you can confide in who can knock some sense into you. 
 

You are being betrayed. He is putting your health, financial security, your family and your sanity at risk. 

And today I found out that three years is really four. My husband has a really good job and he takes care of all family matters such as bills and any financials. My money is my money per say and his money after bills is his money. I actually am not upset about the money aspect as he is more than generous to us his family.

You said it yourself LynneVicious, most men want to keep their cozy family life! To me that means the love he has for me and our kids is above all else.

 

 

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

This is the most concerning thing. Buying property together and going into a business together means he plans to keep her around long- term and is quite serious with her. Granted, he may be planning to keep the both of them forever. She may be happy with that arrangement as well. There are many stories of the wife living in the house, and the mistress living in some shared apartment and this goes on for their life. 

According to text messages to his brother, she has a hard time with things. They do have the business but no property. He told me him and I should start looking at houses! That is a promise to me!

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily.

He gave up on you and sought sex elsewhere.
Love and sex is often very much aligned in men's minds.
He will often love the woman he is having sex with..
Lots of men on here have stated this.
A woman he is not having sex with is a room mate, she is no longer the love of his life.
She may be the mother if his children, he may like her as a person, but once he sex is gone, the love goes too.

Sounds to me like your husband is trying hard to cover up his affair and to put you off the scent. 

I don't know his intentions, but as Lana said this is not the "usual" temporary affair. 
He is young, compared to a lot of MM, older guys will not leave as they have too much to lose and starting again is just too hard.
Your guy is of an age where starting again is feasible.
This has carried on undiscovered for 3 years, which in itself may not mean much, but they have enmeshed themselves in each other's lives.
The secret business, the joint financial implications, her advisory role in his life, and the  emotional connection are not things that show he is a man who is in a frivolous, fun and ultimately temporary affair.

Not necessarily?

Sex and love are two different things. I have seen text messages telling her I am his "roommate", we sleep in the same bed, the lies that he tells himself is beyond ridiculous! Again, we sleep in the same bed! He kissed me sometimes, he posts that i am his wife and how much he loves me, he tells me he loves me. Roommates? Far from it! I am his wife.

"Starting again" these are words that has triggered memories of text messages I have seen. In a text to her he mentioned that " he never looked for her and he never wanted to start over because he was comfortable and now he is happy" I call bull! 

[lana-banana]

He is openly discussing his desire to be with her *with his brother and sister*, on top of everything else! Your family knows the loving husband he plays on social media is a lie. How much longer will you endure this?

This situation is miles beyond a typical affair and is not slowing down anytime soon. You have got to start talking to an attorney because this guy seems pretty serious about finding a way to "make it work" with HER, not you.

Edited June 22, 2021 by lana-banana

[husbandcheating]

16 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

He is openly discussing his desire to be with her *with his brother and sister*, on top of everything else! Your family knows the loving husband he plays on social media is a lie. How much longer will you endure this?

This situation is miles beyond a typical affair and is not slowing down anytime soon. You have got to start talking to an attorney because this guy seems pretty serious about finding a way to "make it work" with HER, not you.

Thank you lana-banana. He has also made it clear that he doesn't want to leave me. Don't you think that is worth fighting for? He is making our marriage work. Maintaining his household is what he said.

Edited June 22, 2021 by husbandcheating

[husbandcheating]

Just 5 minutes ago, he came in here to thank me for yesterday and always showing him love on Father's Day. He looks happy and now he is the game room with the kids playing Sorry! Those are things that aren't fake.

[lana-banana]

12 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you lana-banana. He has also made it clear that he doesn't want to leave me. Don't you think that is worth fighting for? He is making our marriage work. Maintaining his household is what he said.

He is "making your marriage work" by sleeping with another woman and telling his family he's not in love with you? If that's a working marriage in your eyes then I feel bad for your children. He doesn't want to leave you because of the kids; he values that relationship, not yours.

I don't understand how you can have so little self-respect. If my husband was openly cheating on me and managing a second life with another woman, I'd be out the door immediately.