My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

12 hours ago, Dis said:

Good for you for working and having your own income. My mom always told me, never depend on a man for money. You may want to work on expanding your career and hours so if a divorce happens you can afford life on your own. 

 

When did he say he wants to keep the household intact? I ask because him buying a property with starting a business with his affair partner doesn't seem like a man who wants to stick around. It sounds more like he's laying the ground work for his departure. 

Thank you Dis. Yes, I have always worked.

He told his brother that he wanted to keep our household intact. He also said he wants us to buy a home. That doesn't sound like my husband wants to divorce to me. That to me is a promise to stay.

[husbandcheating]

12 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

You read the texts between him and his brother, and with Amanda! What more will it take to convince you that he is in love with HER, and not you! 

He isn't going through a midlife crisis. He is in an unhappy marriage, and is making arrangements to leave it. The only person in the situation who doesn't seem to realize that is you.

You're still grasping at straws, hoping he will change his mind because it is what YOU want. Sure he has you, his wife. His wife who thinks that he'd rather talk than make love on a regular basis. Again, because it's what YOU want, and what you believe works. Even though he has complained about the lack of sex, and you've argued about it. You're still convinced "Hi honey? How was your day?" makes him happier that meeting him at the door with nothing on but a smile, while the kids are at a babysitters house. He had needs, and they aren't aren't being meet by you. You have needs to, and seen content with your marriage. See the problem??? You two seem worlds apart in what you each believe a happy, and healthy, marriage looks looked, 

What does he want? To be with HER! He has made that clear to his own brother!! You don't tell family how in love you are with a meaningless fling!! You might comment on "she is wild in bed!" Or something less romantic and caring. Your husband professed, to his brother, his deep feelings for Amanda, and how they're making plans to be together. That's his goal, and where he believe he will be happy. 

 Did you notice the brother wasnt in shock hearing about Amanda? He knows about her! He knows his brother is in love with her, and plans to be with her.

That is your husband's fairytale romance. Amanda is giving him everything he wants, and more. You're husband wants that, from HER. He's making that abundantly clear. You just funny want to face it 

When he moves out, or kicks you out, will you finally accept the reality of the situation? He isn't sowing his oats. He's not bored, and looking for a side piece. He find a woman to fall in love with, and be loved by.

He doesn't love you, at least not romantically, ,and hinted that he only married you because you had a kid, based on his own words. You have created a fairytale love story that never existed for him. He has made that clear, to everyone except you! He told you 7 years ago he wanted you to leave. That's likely how long he's been checked out of your marriage! You know for sure it's been at least 3!!!

I am rarely so painfully blunt, but you have your heart, and head,  so far up in the clouds, that even faced with the truth you are STILL in absolute and complete denial. "He cheated, but we'll work it out" is about as far as you have gotten. Even after seeing him prices his love for Amanda, and a lack of love for you, bordering on getting pity for you because you believe he loves you, when he cheesy does not. 

I am sorry this is hurting you, but the more you continue to lie to yourself, the more the pain will linger. 

Stop trying to save a marriage that he has considered over for years, and figure out how you are going to support yourself and your children. You are no longer in wife mode! Remember, he didn't even consider you a wtfe! A coworker, and maybe a friend and mother of his children, but you are not his lover and where to him.

Switch your thinking and emotions into MOM hear,  and do whatever it takes to raise your children.

Call a lawyer, you need a good one! Call a therapist, you need a great one!

It might be time to have a heart to heart with your family enjoy what's happening. You will need a strong support network to get through this. Your mindset really needs to switch from your current one filled with false hours and wishful thinking!! Your children need you to be strong! Read them fairytales as bedtime stories, but stop trying to live in one.

I sincerely wish you all the best!! I do hope that one day you do find a man that makes all of your dreams come true, with honesty, integrity and true love. You seen so kind hearted, and deceive a man that will cherish your gentle heart.

(Sorry for typos, it's been a long day!)

My ex may have cheated on me for over a decade, but he never told them he loved them, or made plans to leave me for any them. That's not a naive guess. I've talked to over a dozen of the women over the years. Even they admit that he was just with them for sex. The majority were ONS, or short term flings. He begged me not to leave, and swore he'd change. He even bought a house he knew I'd love as incentive to stay. I didn't care. I was done being lied to, and disrespected. My ex was the textbook case of serial cheater.

Your husband, he has had one woman for years, and wants to be with her. Iñba relationship. That is an entirely different situation than a midlife crisis, or a meaningless fling.

 

 

 

Thank you Indigo Night for your bluntness. I would like to comment on each thing and I may sound crazy but I do need to say these things. You said "unhappy marriage" but there really has been NO indication that he has been unhappy with me. We do everything together. Our family is very tight. Social media, events, dates, we have not missed anything. He goes along with everything-HAPPILY. I have not had to pull his leg or beg him to come. He does all of these things WILLINGLY. Date nights-our children do not attend these. What would be the explanation behind those. Those are dates between us. We drop our kids off and we go enjoy our time together-that is not an indication of a man who is unhappy. Even within these four years, we have had numerous date nights, couples nights WITHOUT the kids, that to me is no indication that he is staying JUST FOR THE CHILDREN. Can you give your insight on this?

"He doesn't love you, at least not romantically," - going back to the date nights, days of affection-this has nothing to do with our children. These are all actions towards me, I would think this is considered romantic. 

"checked out of your marriage!"-going back to he has never indicated that he has checked out of our marriage-he has been very present. 

"Stop trying to save a marriage that he has considered over for years"- Going back to everything above. I figure if he considered our marriage over, he would of told me and he would of started divorce proceedings. Nothing in his communication even with Amanda or his brother says anything about divorce. If anything he is telling both of them he is staying.

 

Thank you again Indigo Night for this insight and future insight.

[vla1120]

14 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I am going to read everyones comments. This is just an update. In one of my updates, I mentioned he brought up buying a house, so this morning he woke up and showed me some listings. He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.

You said the house you're living in now was a gift to him. It used to be his aunt's house? Perhaps the new house he's looking for is for YOU. You ALONE. He is apparently (maybe) a nice enough guy to set you up a house of your own so the kids can go back and forth. Is he looking for a house in your current school district? 

I read every message in your thread. Unfortunately, it does sound like Edith's thread and that makes me very sad for you - except your situation is even more grave than Edith's. I don't recall any evidence of her husband meeting the OW's family members. You delay action at your own peril. Also, social media is not something on which I would base the success of a marriage. Social media is for show. You now have it on pretty good authority (from his OWN mouth via text to his brother) that he is in love with this woman and is planning a future with HER - building a "nest egg". Please, read through these message boards and find one OW with whom the MM has built a business and talked about buying real estate and building a nest egg. It just doesn't happen in the casual sex affairs. 

Also, maybe he doesn't have the courage to bring this up to you. Maybe he's waiting for YOU to find out and confront him on this. Normally, someone who does not want to get caught in an affair makes sure his wife - #1 - doesn't have the code to unlock his phone and - #2 - doesn't leave his phone unattended where she can easily access his phone and find out the extent of his cheating. It looks like he's waiting for YOU to launch D-Day. 

If I were you, I would start figuring out exactly how you are going to support yourself, because he is setting you up to leave you. If you're so confident that it's not true, then you should have NO problem confronting him on this situation. We will be here for you when it hits the fan (even if he does decide to stay with you and leave the OW, it will be a long road for you, husbandcheating - a road that many of us have traveled.)

[vla1120]

19 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you Indigo Night for your bluntness. I would like to comment on each thing and I may sound crazy but I do need to say these things. You said "unhappy marriage" but there really has been NO indication that he has been unhappy with me. We do everything together. Our family is very tight. Social media, events, dates, we have not missed anything. He goes along with everything-HAPPILY. I have not had to pull his leg or beg him to come. He does all of these things WILLINGLY. Date nights-our children do not attend these. What would be the explanation behind those. Those are dates between us. We drop our kids off and we go enjoy our time together-that is not an indication of a man who is unhappy. Even within these four years, we have had numerous date nights, couples nights WITHOUT the kids, that to me is no indication that he is staying JUST FOR THE CHILDREN. Can you give your insight on this?

"He doesn't love you, at least not romantically," - going back to the date nights, days of affection-this has nothing to do with our children. These are all actions towards me, I would think this is considered romantic. 

"checked out of your marriage!"-going back to he has never indicated that he has checked out of our marriage-he has been very present. 

"Stop trying to save a marriage that he has considered over for years"- Going back to everything above. I figure if he considered our marriage over, he would of told me and he would of started divorce proceedings. Nothing in his communication even with Amanda or his brother says anything about divorce. If anything he is telling both of them he is staying.

 

Thank you again Indigo Night for this insight and future insight.

Here is my own insight on these topics:

Number one, it seems appearances are important to him. He wants to be the perfect family man and is playing the part. He loves you as the mother of his children. You're obviously a very good mother and he appreciates that, but your husband/wife relationship has turned more into a cohabitating friends relationship. Because of how important his children are to him, he does not know how to navigate the idea of divorcing and not having both of you being in the same household with your children. I'm also guessing he is a non-confrontational-type person, so he has no idea how to bring any of this to your attention without the fear of the unpleasant explosion D-Day often brings.

I haven't seen any indication that he's told her he is staying. He's tossing out the usual comments - "I'll sort things out. Give me time." Honestly, you don't know WHAT he is telling her when they are in person. Maybe he is smart enough NOT to put anything like that in writing, where you could see it.

Which brings me to number 2. I don't know of any man cheating on his wife who didn't go to extreme lengths to keep the truth from her. It's almost embarrassing (for him) how he is leaving his phone around unattended and he knows you have access. I think he WANTS to get caught. He wants YOU to do the confronting. 

Put your ducks in a row. Please.  Step out of the fog and start preparing yourself. Hugs.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.

How does this jive with the information/plan he texted his brother? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house.

And how do you reconcile that with the fact that he's a got a realtor with his girlfriend, too?

Let's say he does stay with you. Then what? You still have a husband who is not in love with you anymore and has zero respect for you. Zero respect for the marriage. Zero respect for his family with you. 

Getting rid of his girlfriend won't change those things, you realize. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

One cannot "be fake" for too long. I truly believe that my husband loves me, look at his actions outside of this temporary affair. No man can play that well.

But 3-4 years isn't a temporary affair or a fling especially when they have set up a business together.  If she is the only one taking care of his sexual needs at present maybe you should fight for your husband between the sheets.  You can bet that's where Scorpio is putting in her best work.

[lana-banana]

Your repeated insistence that he's actually happy, in spite of literally all evidence to the contrary, seems like a good summary of what's gone wrong in your marriage. 

I know it can be hard to come to strangers on the internet and ask for advice, and people might seem harsh, but you are telling us that a man who is cheating on you, who openly tells his own relatives that he's in love with someone else, who has repeatedly told you for years that he regrets the marriage and that you were both too young, who says he has a business and is planning to buy property with this woman, who has so little respect for you that he doesn't even bother trying to hide any of it---you can see why it sounds ridiculous to claim that he's actually happy, right?

Edited June 22, 2021 by lana-banana

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Those are dates between us. We drop our kids off and we go enjoy our time together-that is not an indication of a man who is unhappy. Even within these four years, we have had numerous date nights, couples nights WITHOUT the kids, that to me is no indication that he is staying JUST FOR THE CHILDREN. Can you give your insight on this?

He is that much happier now that he has a girlfriend who meets his sexual and romantic needs. He is happier in his life now that he has her---it makes it much easier to tolerate spending time with you, because he knows he can go running to her afterwards. Check these boards if you don't believe me; lots of women write about how their sex lives and relationships with their husbands seemed to improve after the husbands started cheating. 

I am not sure why you are asking for advice and insight when you are flat-out rejecting not just what others are trying to tell you, but the reality of the situation itself. This isn't "temporary", it's not about sex, and he has no plans to leave her anytime soon. You can either accept that and start planning accordingly, or deny it and be in the worst possible position when the hammer drops. 

[Acacia98]

OP, you say you want to fight for your marriage. Okay. Let's work with that.

My question to you: How can you fix a marriage in which something is clearly wrong when you can't even acknowledge to yourself that something is seriously wrong? To give you an analogy: if you are sick, it is often possible to get treated and to get better. But someone has to diagnose your illness first. How will a doctor diagnose you if you're not willing to acknowledge that you are sick in the first place and to seek medical help?

Something about your description of your mismatched prioritization of sex has stuck with me. He wanted more sex than you did earlier in your relationship. That caused some conflict between you. It doesnt sound like that issue was resolved to his satisfaction. The extent to which sex comes up in his messages to the OW and to his brother suggests that sex matters deeply to him. It seems to be an important part of how he connects to a woman. You don't seem to be willing/able to acknowledge that. It sounds like it was an inconvenient or difficult subject for you (I'm not sure which) and you avoided discussion of it. And when he gave up trying to bring it up, you sighed in relief and assumed he was now on the same page as you: sex did not matter much to him either. But it did matter to him. Still. He hadn't changed.

Has that been a regular happening in your relationship: have you guys generally left conflicts unresolved in this way? Because, if you have, I can assure you he's not 100% happy. If he isn't happy and you are oblivious, can you genuinely claim to know him? And if you don't really know him, can you truly claim to love his authentic self? Maybe that's what he means when he says you don't really love him.

Mind you, I'm not saying he's right to cheat on you. He's not. He should have been more consistently direct and honest with you. He shouldn't have opted to live a double life.

You seem to have decided not to confront him. My question is this: are you planning to just continue living as you have been doing? If he never dumps her and never leaves you, will you be content to share him with the OW?

[Lisa_Lisa]

If you want to keep your husband and your marriage, I suggest making an effort to be sexual with him. Be romantic, fiery, sexy, and wild; occupy his time. Don't be so predictable in your role as wife and mother. This lady brings him excitement and sexual pleasure. I suggest you do the same. Make it so your husband has no time for her and no more energy left for her that she'll get tired and leave him....and she will because he won't be spending time as much time with her anymore. Be more proactive in your role as a sexual woman. He's not planning on leaving you because he's comfortable, but the other woman is getting his rocks off. Make it so it's you and only you. Now you know everything that's going on, are you going to continue sitting at your laptop or typing into your phone asking us what we think? You already know. Now go do something.

[elaine567]

I think the time for being sexual with this guy to try to save the marriage, is probably long past.
Too much water has flowed under that bridge.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think the time for being sexual with this guy to try to save the marriage, is probably long past.
Too much water has flowed under that bridge.

Yes, he has found another partner. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, he has found another partner. 

Exactly.
The OP shaking her booty at him will no doubt go down like a lead balloon... for that ^^^ reason and because the OP has basically denied him for so long.
Fighting so much about sex that he felt he had to seek it elsewhere, will no doubt have left a bad taste in his mouth. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by elaine567

[husbandcheating]

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes and many years ago he gave up on your marriage, so much so he was prepared to buy you a house and raise the kids on his own, in order to get rid of you.
Unfortunately he married you out of obligation, it was no love match.
7 years ago it started to gel that he did not want to continue with this sham. He hatched a plan, but you would not agree... 
4 years ago he found a solution, he found another more compatible partner, a partner to make his married life more bearable whilst he honoured his commitment to his kids.

You seem surprised that she would know so much about your lives. Why wouldn't she?
She has been in his life for 4 long years  She will know the colour of your underwear...
She is not the outsider, you are.
You are the one in the dark here. The one being lied to . The one he HAS to keep on board for the sake of his kids.
She knows the score, you don't.
They are the team, she is the woman he would rather spend his time with.
She is the one he is apparently building a future with. 
You have to take your head out of the sand and see that.

People do what they have to do.
Your husband has decided  to stay (for the moment anyway) in this "marriage of convenience" for the sake of his kids.
It is not uncommon, people do it all the time.
They keep the peace for the sake of their kids and get their real needs (sex. love, attention, affection, emotional connection, intellectual stimulation...etc. ) met  elsewhere.

Get your ducks in a row is my advice..
You may not want "change" but "change" may come to you whether you like it or not.
You need to be prepared for it.

Thank you elaine567. 

"a partner to make his married life more bearable whilst he honoured his commitment to his kids" - I may be beating a dead horse by saying this, but my husband and I throughout these 7 years have done many of things together, many of affectionate moments, the word "bearable" seems as if my husband has been miserable

"You seem surprised that she would know so much about your lives. Why wouldn't she?" Because I am his wife. He is a very private and personal person so involving her in certain matters is questionable. 

"She knows the score, you don't."-If he has been trying to hide this from me, then he wants to keep the sexual affair a secret no? He doesn't want to lose his marriage.

"They keep the peace for the sake of their kids and get their real needs (sex. love, attention, affection, emotional connection, intellectual stimulation...etc. ) met  elsewhere." -My husband and I do all of this. We talk personally, we talk about intimate things, we do have sex, we are not rabbits but we do have sex, he is affectionate towards me. These are things that I do not MAKE him do. 

[husbandcheating]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He's in love with her and already planning a future with her. 

You'll probably get a good deal in the divorce. 

Wiseman2, we have a lot of plans for our family, alot of them created by him. That is not a person that is looking into divorce. I am not downplaying anyones advice here, but my husband himself has mentioned, he wants to keep our household in tact.

[husbandcheating]

15 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Your fmaily is very important to you, but all this nonsense about how he loves his family life, can't hurt his kids is pure, unadulterated bull.

When you love someone, you don't put them at risk.  Notice how is is willing to throw you and your kids under the bus by cheating? Why, rather than telling you he is unhappy and wants a change is he choosing to engage in a course of actions that will likely be the most painful for all concerned? Why is he going behind your back to his family? Why is his family perfectly fine with his affair and even supportive of it?

I know it hurts to be treated this way, to know the person who says he loves you, who should always have your back, who should put you first is more interested in himself, but it is what it is. It was excruciating for me, especially because i trusted him so much. Never again will I be that stupid.

One thing I would ask you to keep in mind, is that his cheating is no reflection on you. You could be the best wife ever, offer him porn star quality sex, be the face so beautiful it "launched a thousand ships",  and be mother of the year and it wouldn't matter. he's cheating because of something lacking within himself.  He's too cowardly to admit that to you, so instead, he's taking his issues and putting them on you. Please, please PLEASE talk to a lawyer! Any man who says he cares about his kids but is willing to put their mental health ( an the mental health of their mom) at risk can't be trusted.He is clearly showing who he puts first...himself.

Don't get me wrong, there are "open marriages" that can a work well for both parties, but that's only when both are open and honest with a concrete solid foundation of trust. They set rules and boundaries together- there is no sneaking or hidden agendas. That is the polar opposite of what's going on for you.

I do love my family and it is very important to me. He does love his family life, he has always been about family.

I honestly think he may be going through an early mid life crisis. 

Thank you for the "cheating is no reflection of me"-I have had some days, where I have wondered is it me?

[husbandcheating]

15 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

As much as I hate to say it, this is just what my brother did. His kids were getting older and he and his wife seemed happy. He was working on his MBA, and after graduation, he moved his family to a different province for a new job he'd gotten. His wife and kids came back up our way for a vacation at my mom and dad's.
That's when the call came. O

 

This!

It could even be that the two are hatching a plan to set up a home together and seek custody of your kids. Hopefully, that's not what's going on, but it's one of the reasons to seek legal advice. Hopefully, you won't need to use it, but it's best for you and your kids to be prepared for the worst. Hope for the best outcome but plan for the worst.

I would not trust his fmaily when it comes to you either. the conversation they've had show their allegiance lies with him, which is to be expected. They didn't call him out on his actions, and he felt comfortable discussing his cheating with them.

He waited for him family to go on vacation? That is unfortunate.

The only conversation I have seen is the one with his brother, I highly doubt his mother or father knows.

[husbandcheating]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Sorry but people can do exactly that if the incentive is big enough.
Plenty OWs in 5+ years relationships, some 10+ years, the wives have no clue.
These guys are faking it daily...

We had a guy here who left his cheating wife after 8 years . She thought they had reconciled and all was fine and happy again, he played the part of the doting husband well. but he always had a plan to leave in 8 years which was when he thought his kid was old enough to cope with it.
8 years to the day, he packed up and left.

You may think that man left due to resentment which is true but your husband I guess also resents you for "trapping" him for all these years.
Many affairs are about anger, taking revenge and taking back control from a spouse who they believe has done them wrong or is getting in the way of their happiness..
Affairs are complicated things, they are not just about sex.
Many factors at play.. 

Wow. Faking for 8 years is very calculating and kind of psycho. My husband hardly has energy throughout the day to eat, I highly doubt he has the capacity to fake something like this for these amount of years. 

I definitely did not trap him. We were not planning the pregnancy, no, it happened while we were teenagers and we have been together since but I did not plan on getting pregnant. We had only been together for a year.

[husbandcheating]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t have a choice. 

He has already made the decision - he gave up on your marriage when he built another relationship and a future with another woman. 

I don’t understand where you get the impression that there is anything to fight for. He isn’t fighting for your marriage, he is planning to leave you. 

Thank you BaileyB. For me, him being here and not leaving is an indication he is fighting for our marriage. I have a brief story. My sisters husband was cheating on her, but he wasn't coming home at night, he would go outside to use his cell phone, he would come home late from work, there were so many things that he was doing that were all red flags. My husband is not out at night. My husband doesn't have the secret phone calls to where I see them. He is always present. He is hardly ever on that phone. There were no red flags and he apparently was trying to hide it from me because he does not want me to find out because he still wants me as his wife.

I know I have his access code, but he has NO IDEA I have this code. 

[BaileyB]

You clearly don’t want advice. You don’t actually think there is a problem. So, why are you posting? 

[Yosemite]

6 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I know I have his access code, but he has NO IDEA I have this code

How did you get his access code? I'm just curious. 

Have you seen her picture? Do you know if she's younger than you? 

Do you know how they met? 

Either way, it seems like you're bound and determined to stay with him...so I say confront him. Let him know that you know. If you're correct that he would never leave you for a temporary sex fling, then he'll have no choice but to stop having sex with her and I guess all of your problems will be solved. 

[husbandcheating]

12 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Firstly I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I can't imagine the pain of finding out your H has been leading a double life.  It seems he's gotten very good at compartmentalizing being in the moment with you and her.

Gently, this is no temporary sex thing if it's been 4 years and his family knows about her and how he loves her.  He may feel obligated to stay with you, enjoys being the great family man and provider to everyone else (that's his ego, not love) but he can't wait to get back in touch with HER when your time is up (i.e. family gathering, etc).  I find that the people who are the MOST active on social media tend to be the biggest liars of all.  

It's really interesting to see how women react, on either side, to finding out their boyfriend/husband is cheating.  It's astonishing how neither woman wants to rock the boat, for fear of losing the cheating man.  You're already doing the pick-me dance with your own husband!  

I know you have history and want to fight for your family but your H is unfortunately in love with someone else and he's telling her to be patient (typical cheater) while he placates you.  

How does it feel to know that on your wonderful weeklong birthday trip that you had so much fun on, he told HER he was there out of obligation?  How can you sit back and read that and not blow it all up?!  Girl if that were my H there would be EFFING HEADS ROLLING! 

Thank you Allupinnit. It is very painful and my nights are very long as that is when I cannot shut off my brain.The only thing that gives me comfort is our two youngest always sleeping in our bed. 

I do understand his brother knows but that is only one person. Their relationship is really close (a year apart)  so if anything if he was to tell someone his dirt, it would be him. 

He loves our family and would do anything for us. As far as social media, I am the most active, but every occasion he does post me and something very loving and kind. 

I do feel that him saying he was there out "of obligation" was maybe something to placate her. I didnt ask for a week long trip. For mothers day I didnt ask for a family shoot including "engagement photos" and for anniversary, I didn't ask for an upgraded ring. These are all things he has chosen to do, not a recommendation from me. Is that really obligation or is that love and being involved in his marriage?

I am very pissed and my head spins every day. I am trying to make sense of it all and reading and talking with you all is helping tremendously.

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You don't sound like the type to bet your marriage on a coin flip, but I think that's essentially where you're at, unfortunately.

Many APs apparently have all sorts of pipe dreams they share with their OM/OWs (and in some cases deliberately feed their OM/OWs all sorts of lies). From what I have read here it sounds like perhaps 5% (1 in 20) actually leave voluntarily. There is even a name for this in chat board circles - "future faking".

While those might SEEM like good odds, given the large number of people who cheat, that 5% could no doubt fill MANY MANY football stadiums full of people. Put them all in a room and it's a HUGE number. So from THAT perspective, your husband could EASILY be among them.

People have both "familial" LTR love AND "new relationship energy" fun, giddy, hormonal, lots of bonding sex and romance love. Their are neurological differences in most people in how they respond to the partner each situation. Cheaters try to "cake eat" by having both kinds of love at once. And I think you recognize at some level that that is what's going on with your husband.

The problem is that "new love" CAN and DOES turn into LTR love. For many people sex and emotion go hand-in-hand. People choose new partners and move on from former ones all the time (cheating or no). That could easily happen to you, despite the years of "investment". Your husband seems more than half serious about this, as many above have stated. No guarantee that it will happen, but it certainly COULD. I don't think it serves you to be in denial about this.

Frequently on a DDay (discovery of an affair day), when the partner reveals they know about the affair (and often they are quite traumatized and/or pissed of) the wayward husband or wife wants to reconcile. In some cases, due in part to significant brain chemistry changes, but also for other reasons, they "desperately" attempt to chase the partner they are now at risk of losing. However, THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE and it's important for you to realize that. One factor (among many) is whether they have a "safe landing" in the form of their AP.

I think that - IF you reveal to him that you know and demand he stop, there's essentially a 50/50 chance of him leaving, since he at least seems ready to go anyhow and it sounds like the AP would happily receive him.

IF you stay put, it sounds like he is building towards leaving himself. Maybe he won't, but if you wait and he "cements" this bond with his OW and/or finally decides "it's time", he COULD. So, essentially a 50/50 chance of that if you do nothing too.

I agree with (many) others above that you are probably overestimating how content he actually is and/or how much he values what you have built. YOU value it greatly, he MAY feel otherwise.

I also agree it would be wise to consider talking to some lawyers and having your ducks in a row, IN CASE he up and decides to divorce you.

Unfortunately, that is your situation IMO. Some situations you read about here appear to have easy (or at least straightforward) answers, but yours doesn't appear to be one of them.

Thank you mark clemson for this insight. I do value what we have built and I do know he is very grateful and proud of our family, our children, etc. I stated this just recently, but everything my husband does as far as affection, sex, outings, date nights, social media, these are things that I have not asked or begged him to do. He has done these things on his own merit. The hundreds of photos we take, he sometimes initiates. There is nowhere where it seems as if he is discontented. Our family sees it and lots are envious of our love and how we display it. My husband has never given an indication of unhappiness or wanting an out.

I have been look for lawyers just to talk.

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

7 hours ago, vla1120 said:

You said the house you're living in now was a gift to him. It used to be his aunt's house? Perhaps the new house he's looking for is for YOU. You ALONE. He is apparently (maybe) a nice enough guy to set you up a house of your own so the kids can go back and forth. Is he looking for a house in your current school district? 

I read every message in your thread. Unfortunately, it does sound like Edith's thread and that makes me very sad for you - except your situation is even more grave than Edith's. I don't recall any evidence of her husband meeting the OW's family members. You delay action at your own peril. Also, social media is not something on which I would base the success of a marriage. Social media is for show. You now have it on pretty good authority (from his OWN mouth via text to his brother) that he is in love with this woman and is planning a future with HER - building a "nest egg". Please, read through these message boards and find one OW with whom the MM has built a business and talked about buying real estate and building a nest egg. It just doesn't happen in the casual sex affairs. 

Also, maybe he doesn't have the courage to bring this up to you. Maybe he's waiting for YOU to find out and confront him on this. Normally, someone who does not want to get caught in an affair makes sure his wife - #1 - doesn't have the code to unlock his phone and - #2 - doesn't leave his phone unattended where she can easily access his phone and find out the extent of his cheating. It looks like he's waiting for YOU to launch D-Day. 

If I were you, I would start figuring out exactly how you are going to support yourself, because he is setting you up to leave you. If you're so confident that it's not true, then you should have NO problem confronting him on this situation. We will be here for you when it hits the fan (even if he does decide to stay with you and leave the OW, it will be a long road for you, husbandcheating - a road that many of us have traveled.)

Yes it was a gift to him and we do have plans for both of our names to be on this house. This is a together marital venture.

I will go take a look at this other thread-that is one for 13 years yes?

"social media is not something on which I would base the success of a marriage. Social media is for show."-I am not saying it is something that I base the success of our marriage but there is a reason he wants to tell our family and friends how much he loves and adores me. "For show" I dont see this, every picture we post is real. When I post a video of us kissing in the car, that is real. How is this for "show"?

As far as his code-he has NO IDEA I have it. He has always left his phone around me since we were teenagers. This is how I found out about the girl he was having sex with before we got married. But him leaving his phone around me has not stopped just as I leave my phone around him. When he does leave his phone now I no longer see notifications. He has to be trying to hide her because her name is under "Brandon" in his phone. For someone so in love , he sure has to hide who she is in his phone apparently. He is trying to hide this from me which to me he is trying to maintain our marriage. Do I like to be lied to? No. I hate this and I am sick about it everyday.