My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You clearly don’t want advice. You don’t actually think there is a problem. So, why are you posting? 

I actually do and I am taking all of this in. Just getting all my thoughts down and how I am thinking, trying to make sense of it all.

[husbandcheating]

16 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

How did you get his access code? I'm just curious. 

Have you seen her picture? Do you know if she's younger than you? 

Do you know how they met? 

Either way, it seems like you're bound and determined to stay with him...so I say confront him. Let him know that you know. If you're correct that he would never leave you for a temporary sex fling, then he'll have no choice but to stop having sex with her and I guess all of your problems will be solved. 

When I saw the notification on his phone. I couldn't access it at that time. We were both in the garage and his mom had called and I saw him enter the code to answer the phone. It definitely was a code I never would of thought of.

I have seen her picture as they send pictures to each other often. She is actually older than him by 2 years. The reason I know this? On his birthday she texted him along the lines of "Happy birthday honey, you are getting up there but I will always be two years ahead of you"

I do not know how they met. 

I will admit that I have been trying to avoid a confrontation, I just want him to do the right thing.

[husbandcheating]

7 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Here is my own insight on these topics:

Number one, it seems appearances are important to him. He wants to be the perfect family man and is playing the part. He loves you as the mother of his children. You're obviously a very good mother and he appreciates that, but your husband/wife relationship has turned more into a cohabitating friends relationship. Because of how important his children are to him, he does not know how to navigate the idea of divorcing and not having both of you being in the same household with your children. I'm also guessing he is a non-confrontational-type person, so he has no idea how to bring any of this to your attention without the fear of the unpleasant explosion D-Day often brings.

I haven't seen any indication that he's told her he is staying. He's tossing out the usual comments - "I'll sort things out. Give me time." Honestly, you don't know WHAT he is telling her when they are in person. Maybe he is smart enough NOT to put anything like that in writing, where you could see it.

Which brings me to number 2. I don't know of any man cheating on his wife who didn't go to extreme lengths to keep the truth from her. It's almost embarrassing (for him) how he is leaving his phone around unattended and he knows you have access. I think he WANTS to get caught. He wants YOU to do the confronting. 

Put your ducks in a row. Please.  Step out of the fog and start preparing yourself. Hugs.

Thank you vla1120 for this insight. "into a cohabitating friends relationship" I understand this but friends do not kiss, have sex or have date nights.

He is a non confrontational person. He loves a peaceful home and our days are pretty much the same other than family events that happen ever so often, etc. He does like drama at any costs. 

He did tell his brother he is going to keep his household in tact. He never told his brother he was leaving.

I recently posted this but he has NO IDEA I have his access code at all, her name is under a man's name so he is trying to hide it from me. He has always left his phone around me, this is nothing new. We both do. If he were to hide it, then I would be really suspicious. He is not a phone person at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

None of this will get better until you are prepared to deal with reality, OP.

No minimizations. No justifications. The cold, hard truth - the truth you're trying desperately to deny. 

[Indigo Night]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

I just want him to do the right thing.

No. You want him to do what you believe to be the right thing, which is too end his affairs, and stay married to you.

That very likely may not be the right think for him.

You mentioned he was showing you houses to buy, and assumed it meant together. Have you already forgotten that he, at one point, tried to buy you a house so that you would leave. Isn't it possible that he is doing the same again?

 

[Indigo Night]

OP perhaps you should contact another member here, Edith. She is in a similar situation and may be able to give you some advice, or insight.

At they very least, she is likely to understand your take on things. JMHO

[lana-banana]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband hardly has energy throughout the day to eat, I highly doubt he has the capacity to fake something like this for these amount of years.

Respectfully, you are a very poor judge of your husband's character, and an even worse judge of his actions and feelings. He is more than capable of having a romantic and sexual relationship with a girlfriend he cares for while placating the mother of his children for over 4 years. It may very well go on for 4 more years and beyond; it's clearly not about to end anytime soon.

[Yosemite]

Did your sister stay with her husband after he cheated on her?

Have you considered sharing what's going on with her to see if she has any regrets about leaving or staying?

Have you figured out when they have sex? Is it during the work day? After work? The weekend?

How long ago did you find out that he's cheating? You might be in shock now and once the shock wears off you may find it a heavier and heavier weight to bear. It might get really hard to pretend like you don't know. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Yosemite

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

This is how I found out about the girl he was having sex with before we got married.

Do you mean that Amanda isn't the first woman he cheated on you with? He cheated on you before? 

[S2B]

So he cheated before and he’s cheating now.

He lies and you can’t trust him. He’s not honoring you. He’s putting your health and future at risk! He’s purposely chosen to ruin your marriage and family!  He’s pretending with you every day. He isn’t the man you THOUGHT he WAS. He’s a lying cheater!

why would you want to stay married to him? Everything he’s doing with you is fake. 

why aren’t you mad and telling him off?

why wouldn’t you want the chance to be with a man who is honest and honors and protects you?

[S2B]

As I side note I don’t know any husband who likes their kids sleeping in their marital bed.

that’s ridiculous - kids should sleep in their own beds. Your view of your marriage being happy is very off… you keep trying to tell us why it’s so good - meanwhile we KNOW your husband is cheating on you. It’s like you don’t acknowledge what he’s done to you. 
 

just because a husband kisses you and takes photos with you for “social media” and goes on dates doesn’t make it a good marriage… after all - he’s cheating.

you have NO idea who he is - because he’s a phoney and you’re here defending him like he’s actually a good guy.

he isn’t a good guy. He’s ruined any chance of having a happy marriage/family.

stop defending his bad behavior!

Edited June 23, 2021 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 my husband himself has mentioned, he wants to keep our household in tact.

Yes he does. And he's in love with someone else and sticking it out.

Nothing you can do about that. He'll probably wait for the right time and take care of things and the kids when he leaves.

You're obsessing about divorce. Ok. But you already know he loves someone else and is planning a future with her.

That's ok. You'll probably get the house and kids in the divorce.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You'll probably get the house and kids in the divorce.

That's what I am thinking, too.

He's setting you up so you and your children have a home when he leaves, OP. This is a man planning his departure from your marriage, no matter how badly you're trying to convince yourself of the opposite. 

[SolG]

Hi @husbandcheating, this is classic split self affair stuff - recommend you give that a Google.Your WH really does have the best of both worlds!

He has you at home to provide stability for the kids, and the outward projection of that stability to extended family and the community more broadly. And you're pretty low maintenance  - all you need is presence, some social media acknowledgment, and the odd trip and experience and kiss. How easy is that? Pretty damn easy.

He then also has the OW for romance, sex, and expression of his entrepreneurship and other dreams that don't revolve around family.

It would appear he cares for, and values you both in different ways. And you're both so convenient and accommodating. Why would he give either of you up?

My bet is he won't unless one of you forces the issue. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by SolG
Fixing punctuation

[Yosemite]

The fact that he's been cheating since day 1 changes everything IMO. He probably won't leave his marriage for the OW, she's probably just the latest side piece in a long list of side pieces.

Initially, it seemed like he would leave because he started a business with her and invested a large chunk of money in the business but...it sounds like he just seduced his business partner because he would seduce every woman alive if he could. I think he's future-faking the OW and is a typical cake eater.

He's not going to leave his wife, he's not going to stop cheating, but he won't divorce his wife...at least not until the kids are grown.

OP, since he seems obsessed with his image as a family man, you should use your knowledge of the affair to get your name put on the deed of the house and to get a joint bank account that you both contribute to that the household bills are paid out of. That way you'll be a little bit more protected in case of divorce. 

[Starswillshine]

OP, everything you have said sounds more like a man who feels some sort of obligation to you, and he is reacting to you out of guilt. It sounds like he loves you in the co-parenting partnership but not in the romantic sense. It also seems as though, you have just went into mom role versus wife role and have neglected your marriage. 

I do believe he does not have the stones to ditch either of you, so this will continue on as long as you both allow it to. I, personally, could not and would not live with that sort of disrespect. I would much rather bring it all out and hold him to the fire. He either does everything to save his marriage, or he's out. Your value and worth is much more than wasting your life waiting around for him to ditch a woman he is in love with.

[elaine567]

IIRC the  house is his and his alone, it is likely NOT considered marital property .
I guess he won't want to change that.. He won't want the OP on the deeds.
Even if he was not cheating he may still not want to hand half his family inheritance to his spouse, which would be in effect what he would do if he put her on the deeds..

If he can get his wife and kids amicably out of that house and into a new "joint" property, then I guess that would be in his best interests financially, especially if he has other ventures he may want to sink money into...
As we do not know the jurisdiction here, the OP needs to consult a lawyer asap.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

IIRC the  house is his and his alone, it is likely NOT considered marital property .
I guess he won't want to change that.. He won't want the OP on the deeds.
Even if he was not cheating he may still not want to hand half his family inheritance to his spouse, which would be in effect what he would do if he put her on the deeds..

Yes, OP will be entitled to half of their marital assets in the event of divorce but not a home that he owned prior to the marriage for which her name is not on the deed. There is good reason why your name is not on the deed, OP. And yes, you need to consult a lawyer ASAP. 

[lana-banana]

59 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

The fact that he's been cheating since day 1 changes everything IMO. He probably won't leave his marriage for the OW, she's probably just the latest side piece in a long list of side pieces.

Initially, it seemed like he would leave because he started a business with her and invested a large chunk of money in the business but...it sounds like he just seduced his business partner because he would seduce every woman alive if he could. I think he's future-faking the OW and is a typical cake eater.

He's not going to leave his wife, he's not going to stop cheating, but he won't divorce his wife...at least not until the kids are grown.

I don't actually think this is correct, if only because they were in high school when all this started, they were in their teens, and had broken up before. I do not think a teenager cheating on someone is in the same boat as an adult in a committed relationship. 

Everything OP has provided thus far suggests to me that this guy quickly regretted his decision to marry and raise children with his high school sweetheart, and that when she refused to end the relationship 7-ish years ago he just turned to infidelity instead. I also think this could be a case of training wheels, which hits a LOT of men in committed relationships at ages 26-29---the only difference is this guy was already married.

He could totally be a cake eater, but I tend to think he's more reacting (poorly) to circumstances that he doesn't know how to navigate or get out of, and his wife's total inability to understand him isn't helping.

Edited June 23, 2021 by lana-banana

[Allupinnit]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am going to read everyones comments. This is just an update. In one of my updates, I mentioned he brought up buying a house, so this morning he woke up and showed me some listings. He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.

He very well may not be, sounds like he has it pretty good.  But you have to get used to his having a girlfriend.  He's in love with her.  Can you be ok sharing him?  You're hoping your H will do the right thing but you need to get off the hopium pipe and start facing up to your reality.  That's like asking an alcoholic to sit at the bar all day and not drink.  He's not breaking up with her.  

So the question is, are you going to make your peace with his duality?  Or are you going to keep continuing to stalk his phone and live in a constant state of anxiety, stress, and heartache?  Edith here can tell you all about what that's like, she's been stalking her husband's contact for years trying to figure out what the OW actually means to him.  Welcome to your new marriage.

 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 There is nowhere where it seems as if he is discontented.

Thanks. Clearly there is SOME discontent if he has an affair partner who he (at least) fantasizes about taking up with. As noted many times above, he might be serious about that, might not - no can know for sure.

At some level he must realize he's eventually going to have to go one way or the other, and that there will be a big blow up of some sort or another when things eventually comes to a head.

[husbandcheating]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

None of this will get better until you are prepared to deal with reality, OP.

No minimizations. No justifications. The cold, hard truth - the truth you're trying desperately to deny. 

Thank you ExpatInItaly. I am not denying that he is having an affair with this woman.

[husbandcheating]

14 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

No. You want him to do what you believe to be the right thing, which is too end his affairs, and stay married to you.

That very likely may not be the right think for him.

You mentioned he was showing you houses to buy, and assumed it meant together. Have you already forgotten that he, at one point, tried to buy you a house so that you would leave. Isn't it possible that he is doing the same again?

 

I didn't think of it as that, as when he said that, we were in argument. Things are said when in arguments, and you cannot take things like that for face value.

He mentioned wanting to buy a home together because he feels we should and it would be better for our family. 

[husbandcheating]

14 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

OP perhaps you should contact another member here, Edith. She is in a similar situation and may be able to give you some advice, or insight.

At they very least, she is likely to understand your take on things. JMHO

Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I am not denying that he is having an affair with this woman.

That isn't exactly what I meant.

I meant that you are in denial about the state of your marriage and your husband's true character, desires and intentions. You are in denial about the gravity of this and what it means - really means - about your marriage to him.