My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

13 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Do you mean that Amanda isn't the first woman he cheated on you with? He cheated on you before? 

He was with her before me and we happened and I got pregnant and he still was seeing her somewhat. It a crazy story.

[husbandcheating]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

So he cheated before and he’s cheating now.

He lies and you can’t trust him. He’s not honoring you. He’s putting your health and future at risk! He’s purposely chosen to ruin your marriage and family!  He’s pretending with you every day. He isn’t the man you THOUGHT he WAS. He’s a lying cheater!

why would you want to stay married to him? Everything he’s doing with you is fake. 

why aren’t you mad and telling him off?

why wouldn’t you want the chance to be with a man who is honest and honors and protects you?

The woman that he cheated on me with was the woman he was with right before me. We got together and then I was pregnant, he still was seeing her. 

"Everything he’s doing with you is fake." Wouldn't you think everything he does with her is fake as I am the one he is actually with. I am very mad and upset and there are days where I don't know how I will go on.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

He was with her before me and we happened and I got pregnant and he still was seeing her somewhat. It a crazy story.

It is an illuminating story

[Yosemite]

7 hours ago, lana-banana said:

I don't actually think this is correct, if only because they were in high school when all this started, they were in their teens, and had broken up before. I do not think a teenager cheating on someone is in the same boat as an adult in a committed relationship. 

I agree except they didn't get married until she was 20, so when the OP said, "the girl he was having sex with before we got married," I took that to mean he was having a sex on a regular basis with someone else right before the wedding. If she meant in high school, then I agree with you that he might not be a serial cheater.

The OP is in such strong denial, that she may not have portrayed their marriage history accurately. Everything was perfect until 7 years ago...except they're fighting about sex, he tried to buy her a house to get her to leave, they've never mixed their finances, her name isn't on the deed to the house, the kids are sleeping in the marital bed and they aren't allowed to touch his phone...and who knows what else she's skipped over. So, not really what most people would call perfect. So it's totally possible that this is his first "real" affair, but it could also be that he never was committed to this marriage and has been cheating the whole time.

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Yosemite

[husbandcheating]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

As I side note I don’t know any husband who likes their kids sleeping in their marital bed.

that’s ridiculous - kids should sleep in their own beds. Your view of your marriage being happy is very off… you keep trying to tell us why it’s so good - meanwhile we KNOW your husband is cheating on you. It’s like you don’t acknowledge what he’s done to you. 
 

just because a husband kisses you and takes photos with you for “social media” and goes on dates doesn’t make it a good marriage… after all - he’s cheating.

you have NO idea who he is - because he’s a phoney and you’re here defending him like he’s actually a good guy.

he isn’t a good guy. He’s ruined any chance of having a happy marriage/family.

stop defending his bad behavior!

He doesn't mind the two youngest sleeping in our bed because that is where they are most comfortable. He is a great dad.

I don't think I am defending him, but I am looking into his actions in our home.

[elaine567]

I am sure he doesn't mind them on the bed NOW, as he is getting sex elsewhere. In fact he now may be rather pleased they are there...
Prior to Amanda he would have likely resented and hated their intrusion into the marital bed...

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

He was with her before me and we happened and I got pregnant and he still was seeing her somewhat. It a crazy story.

What happened?

[husbandcheating]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

I think you’d better face what’s real - his character defects - his cheating - his ability to divorce you… and get a plan together for a life without him.

stop saying what a great husband/father he’s been - a great husband/father wouldn’t cheat and ruin the family!

he may divorce you - get ready!

ALL the crap he tells you… those are lies so he can keep cheating on you. You are a compliant spouse… you stay quiet while he gets to have TWO gals meeting all his needs. 
 

he will keep this gig going because it works for him… unless that OW makes demands and he wants to keep her.

"those are lies so he can keep cheating on you" I may be tired but I don't understand this. Wouldn't it be easier to divorce me if he really didn't want to be with me?

[husbandcheating]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

I definitely don’t think you are realizing the gravity of your marriage.

you can only close your eyes for so long.

I am not trying to close my eyes. But I also don't want to give up if my husband is not giving up. I know I keep saying this but we have known each other half our lives, he chose to marry me. We have children. I just want this woman to go away and I don't understand the point of even keeping her around if the majority of the time he is with ME!

[husbandcheating]

My husband comes home every night. He isn't going out at night. He makes sure he is at home. Home is where the heart is. I know that he is cheating clearly because of what I read, but how would he love someone he clearly doesn't spend too much time with. This is nonsense, he is again always with me. There are so many people here that think he is in love with her based on what exactly. He may THINK he is in love with her but I doubt this. Like someone said "its new", his heart and mind apparently is here with us because HE IS HERE. He is currently in our family room playing with the kids as we speak. Dinner done. Family show done. Family time. He isn't worried about that woman. I have seen he "loves her" so many times but does that make sense? If he loved her, he wouldn't be in our family room right now laughing loudly. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going to an amusement park this weekend with the kids. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going on our family vacation in August. Where is she at in all of this? NOT PRESENT. But who is present is he and I.

[LynneVicious]

5 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband comes home every night. He isn't going out at night. He makes sure he is at home. Home is where the heart is. I know that he is cheating clearly because of what I read, but how would he love someone he clearly doesn't spend too much time with. This is nonsense, he is again always with me. There are so many people here that think he is in love with her based on what exactly. He may THINK he is in love with her but I doubt this. Like someone said "its new", his heart and mind apparently is here with us because HE IS HERE. He is currently in our family room playing with the kids as we speak. Dinner done. Family show done. Family time. He isn't worried about that woman. I have seen he "loves her" so many times but does that make sense? If he loved her, he wouldn't be in our family room right now laughing loudly. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going to an amusement park this weekend with the kids. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going on our family vacation in August. Where is she at in all of this? NOT PRESENT. But who is present is he and I.

Well op, I don’t know what advice you’re really looking for. All of the experienced posters who have lived through infidelity and understand it, including me, have given you the best advice given what you’ve told us. But you have a rebuttal for everything. 

You are convinced your marriage is stellar and your husband loves you and only you, so what do you want exactly?

The only conclusion I can see, and correct me if I’m wrong, is you will patiently wait for the ow to go away or your husband to leave her. is that your plan?

[Thefirstwoman]

Look, you sound like a really sweet and genuine person. However, there are a few things you are missing/not aware of. You are defining yourself by your relationship with this man, who you met at 18, who clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore. Yes, he loves you 'in a way' and he loves what you guys have, but he is also in his 20s and he has a big future (not in terms of better than you, but....) - many years ahead of him and he clearly doesn't want those years to be just with you and the three kids. 

My advice to you would be, stop defining yourself by a relationship you embarked on at 18 - notwithstanding that you had kids. You will end up divorced or very miserable with him having affairs and a second family somewhere - this isn't my being negative, it is ABSOLUTELY inevitable. Bite the bullet now, take the pain, accept the facts - you don't have a relationship with him as he is more emotionally available to the other woman than he is to the mother of his children - his bad, not yours, but YOUR BAD, for taking it. 

You have power in your own life. It doesn't matter what he wants or doesn't want - you deserve better than to be the other woman in your own marriage! You would be better being alone, with child support than with a guy screwing other women and coming home to you. He could give you AIDs or herpes and you would never have another partner again, you could lose your life and your kids could lose their mother! How well do you think he and his fancy women would care for your kids? You brought them into this world, start thinking about their welfare as this guy isn't thinking about the 'family's' best interests - you don't have a family! You are in a dream world. 

This guy clearly doesn't know what love is and if you do, and love your kids, you will protect your own physical and mental health and have the balls to leave someone who really isn't into you anymore. What does he have to do - bring the other woman home, have sex in your bed in front of you and tell you that he wants her not you? You are deluding yourself and, really, it is his problem, yet you are making it yours as you clearly don't think you can do better than this idiot you are married to. 

You were old enough to have children, be mature enough to put their mental health and welfare first. Obviously, your parents didn't do that for you, or you wouldn't be with this guy and trying to hold on after he has disrespected you and your children. How can you care for and love your children or him - when you clearly don't love and respect yourself?

 

[Thefirstwoman]

I don't think you are naive or stupid. I think you came on here looking for someone give you the definitive reason/answer as to why you shouldn't be with your husband. You already know you shouldn't be, you just want to give responsibility for the decision to someone else. The reality is, you already can - your husband.

You hold up marriage like it is this holy thing that is more than a relationship/sex, yet the marriage CONTRACT is the agreement not to have sex with other people! You have the marriage, without the meaning. The fact that the other woman has regular sex and intimacy/a close relationship with your husband, means that they have the commitment/connection and you just have a piece of paper - a contract that your husband isn't adhering to. You are unpaid help - carer for the kids and, occasionally, he'll have sex with you to keep you happy and when his other woman isn't available. WAKE UP! I don't care how you look or how she does - no one deserves to be treated as you are ALLOWING your husband to treat you. Set a better example for your kids - male or female, as to what it is to be a healthy, strong, self-respectful, independent woman. 

I believe you came on here because you wanted to be told to do better - you have your instructions - DO BETTER! You are better than you are behaving - you have to be as no one is this much of a door mat. Don't let your husband tar you with his stupidity brush! How would you think about yourself if you were carrying on an affair with another man? Put yourself in your husband's shoes - you with another man, sending the texts he sends to this woman, treating him as he treats you, and you will know EXACTLY how he feels about you and it isn't good...

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

If he loved her, he wouldn't be in our family room right now laughing loudly. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going to an amusement park this weekend with the kids. If he loved her, we wouldn't be going on our family vacation in August.

"If he loved her, he wouldn't spend time with his children"? What?? How does that make sense?

You are determined to believe that everything he says to you is true and everything he says to her is a lie. Even if it was that binary (and it's not, because he is lying to you about his whereabouts and happiness every day), that just means your husband is a pathological liar who's comfortable cheating on you. And that's the best-case scenario. How does that make you feel good?

I wish you would really read and re-read Lynne's post above. You have got to demand better. Your husband has apparently figured out that if he takes enough nice pictures and posts stuff on social media, you will tolerate him having a separate girlfriend. And you're proving him right! He is going to keep disrespecting you as long as you don't respect yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband comes home every night. He isn't going out at night. He makes sure he is at home.

Sorry, but I don't see how both these things can be true:

He comes home every night and is always with you. And he has had a secret girlfriend for the last 3 years. 

Doesn't add up. 

[elaine567]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

...and he has had a secret girlfriend for the last 3 years. 

It is actually much worse, it is 4 years...

[NYAG]

On 6/20/2021 at 11:03 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you Wiseman2. I do not want a divorce. He is the only man that I have loved since we were younger. We are a great love story. Our home is happy and I do not want to break up our happy home. 

Thank you for this.

How is this a great love story? I'm sorry I don't understand.

[NYAG]

On 6/20/2021 at 11:30 AM, husbandcheating said:

That is why I do think this woman is temporary, he continues to do all of these things, it is not like he acting any different. He goes to all of the family gatherings, sometimes date nights, social media recognition. Our anniversary was in January and he publicly acknowledged it. Valentine's day he acknowledged online. Family vacations. If he thought we were truly just co-parents and roommates, why the above especially with the public acknowledgments. This is something that I put a lot of stock in because social media is important to me and for him to do those things as far as posting does mean a great lot to me. It also means alot that he does all of our family outings, etc, I do not make him do these things, so if we were really roommates, would he do such things? If he wasn't happy, why continue to do such things? He told me this maybe 7 years ago and here we are 7 years later with our family still in tact. Does "unhappy" really count as something he really meant? If he was unhappy, i think he would of made a leap to leave me, instead he has stayed and continue to do what he has always done, being a husband and a father without me telling him to do so. If someone is unhappy in a marriage, wouldn't they move differently?

Thank you again.

They all do this. They must keep up the pretence of normality no matter how much they would rather be elsewhere. They do it to protect children, to protect reputations, to avoid confrontation and to avoid having to deal with financial problems that arise from a divorce etc (men generally end up losing out financially as they still have to support ex partners and children from a legal standpoint). It may be he has no plans to leave you for her, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you. If they've been together 3 years, it sounds like they have put together a routine that works for them both, around you that keeps up the pretence and this could go on until the day he dies. Some affairs last many many years and stay just like this. Do not assume that because he is still with you and posts all that 'normal stuff', it is where he wants to be. He is protecting himself.

[Indigo Night]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I didn't think of it as that, as when he said that, we were in argument. Things are said when in arguments, and you cannot take things like that for face value.

He mentioned wanting to buy a home together because he feels we should and it would be better for our family. 

"Things said in anger", that he recently brought up in a text with his brother. It sounds like he meant what he said.

I rarely search pages back on here, but for you, I'll make an exception!

This is from your post a few pages ago:

Your husband wrote:

"Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

`~~~~~~~

Go back and read that post again. The WHOLE thing. Then you will know why people say he loves Amanda, and she loves him. It's ALL right there!!! 

Isn't it interesting that he showed you houses recently, and you think they're for the two of you to live happily ever after. Even though he recently texted his brother about how he tried to do the same thing in the past to get rid of you. Followed by how much he loves Amanda, and she makes him so happy.

Seriously, go read it! You seem to have forgotten what it says with all of your "why do people say he loves her" comments.

You REALLY need to go back and read this entire thread, and count how many times you contradict yourself. How many times you call him a loving husband, (Which must be true because on social media he wouldn't lie. He just cheats on you, for years.). How often you defend him when people point out his flaws, or why he is being a bad husband to you.

He probably is a great father. You haven't said anything that indicates that he didn't love his children. In fact, he loves them so much he doesn't want to leave them alone with you (It's what he told his brother in the text you posted)

As a husband, he is far from a good one! People have given you EVERY example why he isn't, and given you so much good advice, but you have not taken A SINGLE thing said to heart. You defend him. You justify his actions. You make excuses for how he couldn't possibly cheat because he's home every night (So was my husband, and many other people's. And? They were still cheating!!!).

You're going to keep believing that Amanda will go away, and you and your husband will be the happy couple that you've always been. Well, the couple that YOU think you've always been. According to the text with his brother, he didn't feel the same way about you, or even close.

Seriously, go back to the beginning and read EVERY post. You're responding to people who have, and treating them like they don't understand. They do. You're just contradicting yourself, and making your marriage into a fairy tale that it isn't. 

Good luck! You're going to need it. (And the only person that doesn't know that here, is you!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

It sounds to me like you will be staying put for the time being. If that's the case, then you are going to have to find a way to make your peace with his cheating. It's not going to stop, his OW isn't going away and your WH has zero respect for you and, sad to say, his own kids.

If you are willing to accept all of that, then I would suggest you sit down with him and hash all this out. Whether you want it to be or not, you are in an open marriage, at least on his side. If you choose to accept that, then the two of you need to set parameters and ground rules. Things like she is not allowed to be in your home, your kids are not to be around them when they are together, he needs to regular STD testing if you two are still sleeping together, no joint funds are to be used for his affair, that sort of thing.

[Allupinnit]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

It sounds to me like you will be staying put for the time being. If that's the case, then you are going to have to find a way to make your peace with his cheating. It's not going to stop, his OW isn't going away and your WH has zero respect for you and, sad to say, his own kids.

If you are willing to accept all of that, then I would suggest you sit down with him and hash all this out. Whether you want it to be or not, you are in an open marriage, at least on his side. If you choose to accept that, then the two of you need to set parameters and ground rules. Things like she is not allowed to be in your home, your kids are not to be around them when they are together, he needs to regular STD testing if you two are still sleeping together, no joint funds are to be used for his affair, that sort of thing.

Right - all of this.  If you want to look the other way in regards to HER then fine but you need to start protecting yourself at least.  He may be trying to get you to pick out a house for YOURSELF.  Your husband is a master liar.

I totally agree with @Thefirstwoman - can you even comprehend carrying on behind your husband's back, sleeping with another man, telling him you love him and that you need him to be patient while you placate your husband for his birthday trip?!  Of course not, because you love him!  Well that's how your husband feels about YOU.  Being able to fake it to your face and then tell HER that it was an act and he misses her.  This brother of his who knows about her, did you spend Father's Day with him, too?  Does it not bother you that you're being made out to be a fool to his family??  OMG I can't even imagine the wrath I'd be raining down on ALL OF THEM.

You wouldn't be the first woman to turn a blind eye to her H's infidelities.  I sometimes think of Carmela Soprano when I read some of these threads.  It's been four years - longer than MOST relationships last these days it seems.  I'm not sure why you think this is temporary.  She's not going anywhere.

[pepperbird2]

op,

Is part of why you're finding it so hard to get your head around his "activities" is that you are basically a very honest person? If you are, it can be hard to fathom how someone could lie for so long and so effectively.

[vla1120]

On 6/22/2021 at 11:00 PM, husbandcheating said:

When he does leave his phone now I no longer see notifications. He has to be trying to hide her because her name is under "Brandon" in his phone. For someone so in love , he sure has to hide who she is in his phone apparently. He is trying to hide this from me which to me he is trying to maintain our marriage. Do I like to be lied to? No. I hate this and I am sick about it everyday.

That's actually encouraging that he is trying to hide her from you. I really thought he was trying to get caught, not even making an effort to hide this affair. You can only hope that if you decide to confront him, he'll drop her and want to keep his family intact, because it seems you are really determined to stay married to him.

I stayed for 18 years after my husband cheated on me with my best friend (our neighbor). They were caught by my then 5 year old daughter. I was pregnant with our youngest. I decided to stay. We suffered through another 18 years. I never trusted him again. I went through periods of anger and depression that he had destroyed our happy family (I mean, what man cheats on his PREGNANT wife????!!!) You may THINK the best thing is to stay. Maybe you will be very good at "faking" it through, letting everyone continue to believe your marriage is great (even though he has shared with family members that he is in love with another woman.) Trust me, this WILL continue to take a toll on you not only mentally, but physically. You are just now embarking on this journey that has changed your life forever. There's no going back. Words will not fix this. Actions will not fix this. One thousand apologies from him will not fix this. Right now, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Take VERY good care of yourself. You have to care enough about yourself so that, regardless of how this turns out, you will not self-destruct (and that means talking to a lawyer just to protect your interests. It's not good that he handles all the financials.)

Edited June 24, 2021 by vla1120

[SolG]

On 6/23/2021 at 8:34 PM, SolG said:

Hi @husbandcheating, this is classic split self affair stuff - recommend you give that a Google.Your WH really does have the best of both worlds!

He has you at home to provide stability for the kids, and the outward projection of that stability to extended family and the community more broadly. And you're pretty low maintenance  - all you need is presence, some social media acknowledgment, and the odd trip and experience and kiss. How easy is that? Pretty damn easy.

He then also has the OW for romance, sex, and expression of his entrepreneurship and other dreams that don't revolve around family.

It would appear he cares for, and values you both in different ways. And you're both so convenient and accommodating. Why would he give either of you up?

My bet is he won't unless one of you forces the issue. 

Hi OP, wondering if you've had the opportunity to look into split self affairs yet?

- Can last for years (Check - 3 years and counting)

- Vulnerability comes from need for affection & attention (Check - based  on his email to his brother)

- The 3rd party provides more than just sex, but a deeper emotional connection – making the person feel “alive” and special or needed (Check - Again based on email to his brother)

- The focus has not been on the marriage but the happiness and needs of the family or responsibility (Check - As per your description)

- The marriage typically revolved around the children (Check)

- Defined relationship roles – “The Great Family Man” “The Perfect Mother” (Check)

- Little, if any, attention to marriage enrichment (Check - Superficial only - Social media, infrequent sex, no evidence of real emotional intimacy or vulnerability  provided as yet)

Split self affairs can last a lifetime if no-one rocks the boat. You up for that OP?

[Wiseman2]

You mentioned "it's a crazy story".

So he has been with her all along, started seeing you, married you because of the pregnancy and has been longing for her all this while?