My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[pepperbird2]

OP,

It sounds to me like you will be staying put for the time being. If that's the case, then you are going to have to find a way to make your peace with his cheating. It's not going to stop, his OW isn't going away and your WH has zero respect for you and, sad to say, his own kids.

If you are willing to accept all of that, then I would suggest you sit down with him and hash all this out. Whether you want it to be or not, you are in an open marriage, at least on his side. If you choose to accept that, then the two of you need to set parameters and ground rules. Things like she is not allowed to be in your home, your kids are not to be around them when they are together, he needs to regular STD testing if you two are still sleeping together, no joint funds are to be used for his affair, that sort of thing.

[Allupinnit]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

It sounds to me like you will be staying put for the time being. If that's the case, then you are going to have to find a way to make your peace with his cheating. It's not going to stop, his OW isn't going away and your WH has zero respect for you and, sad to say, his own kids.

If you are willing to accept all of that, then I would suggest you sit down with him and hash all this out. Whether you want it to be or not, you are in an open marriage, at least on his side. If you choose to accept that, then the two of you need to set parameters and ground rules. Things like she is not allowed to be in your home, your kids are not to be around them when they are together, he needs to regular STD testing if you two are still sleeping together, no joint funds are to be used for his affair, that sort of thing.

Right - all of this.  If you want to look the other way in regards to HER then fine but you need to start protecting yourself at least.  He may be trying to get you to pick out a house for YOURSELF.  Your husband is a master liar.

I totally agree with @Thefirstwoman - can you even comprehend carrying on behind your husband's back, sleeping with another man, telling him you love him and that you need him to be patient while you placate your husband for his birthday trip?!  Of course not, because you love him!  Well that's how your husband feels about YOU.  Being able to fake it to your face and then tell HER that it was an act and he misses her.  This brother of his who knows about her, did you spend Father's Day with him, too?  Does it not bother you that you're being made out to be a fool to his family??  OMG I can't even imagine the wrath I'd be raining down on ALL OF THEM.

You wouldn't be the first woman to turn a blind eye to her H's infidelities.  I sometimes think of Carmela Soprano when I read some of these threads.  It's been four years - longer than MOST relationships last these days it seems.  I'm not sure why you think this is temporary.  She's not going anywhere.

[pepperbird2]

op,

Is part of why you're finding it so hard to get your head around his "activities" is that you are basically a very honest person? If you are, it can be hard to fathom how someone could lie for so long and so effectively.

[vla1120]

On 6/22/2021 at 11:00 PM, husbandcheating said:

When he does leave his phone now I no longer see notifications. He has to be trying to hide her because her name is under "Brandon" in his phone. For someone so in love , he sure has to hide who she is in his phone apparently. He is trying to hide this from me which to me he is trying to maintain our marriage. Do I like to be lied to? No. I hate this and I am sick about it everyday.

That's actually encouraging that he is trying to hide her from you. I really thought he was trying to get caught, not even making an effort to hide this affair. You can only hope that if you decide to confront him, he'll drop her and want to keep his family intact, because it seems you are really determined to stay married to him.

I stayed for 18 years after my husband cheated on me with my best friend (our neighbor). They were caught by my then 5 year old daughter. I was pregnant with our youngest. I decided to stay. We suffered through another 18 years. I never trusted him again. I went through periods of anger and depression that he had destroyed our happy family (I mean, what man cheats on his PREGNANT wife????!!!) You may THINK the best thing is to stay. Maybe you will be very good at "faking" it through, letting everyone continue to believe your marriage is great (even though he has shared with family members that he is in love with another woman.) Trust me, this WILL continue to take a toll on you not only mentally, but physically. You are just now embarking on this journey that has changed your life forever. There's no going back. Words will not fix this. Actions will not fix this. One thousand apologies from him will not fix this. Right now, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Take VERY good care of yourself. You have to care enough about yourself so that, regardless of how this turns out, you will not self-destruct (and that means talking to a lawyer just to protect your interests. It's not good that he handles all the financials.)

Edited June 24, 2021 by vla1120

[SolG]

On 6/23/2021 at 8:34 PM, SolG said:

Hi @husbandcheating, this is classic split self affair stuff - recommend you give that a Google.Your WH really does have the best of both worlds!

He has you at home to provide stability for the kids, and the outward projection of that stability to extended family and the community more broadly. And you're pretty low maintenance  - all you need is presence, some social media acknowledgment, and the odd trip and experience and kiss. How easy is that? Pretty damn easy.

He then also has the OW for romance, sex, and expression of his entrepreneurship and other dreams that don't revolve around family.

It would appear he cares for, and values you both in different ways. And you're both so convenient and accommodating. Why would he give either of you up?

My bet is he won't unless one of you forces the issue. 

Hi OP, wondering if you've had the opportunity to look into split self affairs yet?

- Can last for years (Check - 3 years and counting)

- Vulnerability comes from need for affection & attention (Check - based  on his email to his brother)

- The 3rd party provides more than just sex, but a deeper emotional connection – making the person feel “alive” and special or needed (Check - Again based on email to his brother)

- The focus has not been on the marriage but the happiness and needs of the family or responsibility (Check - As per your description)

- The marriage typically revolved around the children (Check)

- Defined relationship roles – “The Great Family Man” “The Perfect Mother” (Check)

- Little, if any, attention to marriage enrichment (Check - Superficial only - Social media, infrequent sex, no evidence of real emotional intimacy or vulnerability  provided as yet)

Split self affairs can last a lifetime if no-one rocks the boat. You up for that OP?

[Wiseman2]

You mentioned "it's a crazy story".

So he has been with her all along, started seeing you, married you because of the pregnancy and has been longing for her all this while?

 

[vla1120]

On 6/25/2021 at 5:26 AM, SolG said:

Hi OP, wondering if you've had the opportunity to look into split self affairs yet?

- Can last for years (Check - 3 years and counting)

- Vulnerability comes from need for affection & attention (Check - based  on his email to his brother)

- The 3rd party provides more than just sex, but a deeper emotional connection – making the person feel “alive” and special or needed (Check - Again based on email to his brother)

- The focus has not been on the marriage but the happiness and needs of the family or responsibility (Check - As per your description)

- The marriage typically revolved around the children (Check)

- Defined relationship roles – “The Great Family Man” “The Perfect Mother” (Check)

- Little, if any, attention to marriage enrichment (Check - Superficial only - Social media, infrequent sex, no evidence of real emotional intimacy or vulnerability  provided as yet)

Split self affairs can last a lifetime if no-one rocks the boat. You up for that OP?

Thank you for posting this split self affair information. It made me look up the types of affairs and really shed some light on the affairs my husband was having during our 32-yr marriage. Interesting stuff.

[husbandcheating]

I will read everyones replies but I wanted to give an update. My husband took us out of town to go visit family. During this trip, we had some time by ourselves. While I was furious, the time that he allotted for us, had me thinking "maybe he is really serious about us and this". He went out of his way to make sure we had some alone time. He could tell I had been feeling kind of out of it, and he thanked me for being the woman of the house and that he loved me and how he and the children are very lucky to have me. Maybe this trip was his eye awakening to stop doing the crazy stuff or maybe out of his "crisis". Yes he piled on the affection, affectionate pet names, and etc. No posting on his social media, but I did post some videos and photos of us in which he loved. 

The past few days on our trip have been I don't know, different. He was always around us and I know for a fact he had no time to contact her. This may be it.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/23/2021 at 9:20 PM, LynneVicious said:

Well op, I don’t know what advice you’re really looking for. All of the experienced posters who have lived through infidelity and understand it, including me, have given you the best advice given what you’ve told us. But you have a rebuttal for everything. 

You are convinced your marriage is stellar and your husband loves you and only you, so what do you want exactly?

The only conclusion I can see, and correct me if I’m wrong, is you will patiently wait for the ow to go away or your husband to leave her. is that your plan?

Thank you @LynneVicious. I know that my marriage is not stellar but I do believe that because of the years and history, it is worth saving especially since he is still staying which has to amount to something. What do I want? I want my husband. I want him to stop to which I do think now it could be over, this weekend and past few days were the stellar moments. His phone was non existent, I can say that she was not on his mind. He was completely focused on me. Our family. And us. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/23/2021 at 9:41 PM, Thefirstwoman said:

Look, you sound like a really sweet and genuine person. However, there are a few things you are missing/not aware of. You are defining yourself by your relationship with this man, who you met at 18, who clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore. Yes, he loves you 'in a way' and he loves what you guys have, but he is also in his 20s and he has a big future (not in terms of better than you, but....) - many years ahead of him and he clearly doesn't want those years to be just with you and the three kids. 

My advice to you would be, stop defining yourself by a relationship you embarked on at 18 - notwithstanding that you had kids. You will end up divorced or very miserable with him having affairs and a second family somewhere - this isn't my being negative, it is ABSOLUTELY inevitable. Bite the bullet now, take the pain, accept the facts - you don't have a relationship with him as he is more emotionally available to the other woman than he is to the mother of his children - his bad, not yours, but YOUR BAD, for taking it. 

You have power in your own life. It doesn't matter what he wants or doesn't want - you deserve better than to be the other woman in your own marriage! You would be better being alone, with child support than with a guy screwing other women and coming home to you. He could give you AIDs or herpes and you would never have another partner again, you could lose your life and your kids could lose their mother! How well do you think he and his fancy women would care for your kids? You brought them into this world, start thinking about their welfare as this guy isn't thinking about the 'family's' best interests - you don't have a family! You are in a dream world. 

This guy clearly doesn't know what love is and if you do, and love your kids, you will protect your own physical and mental health and have the balls to leave someone who really isn't into you anymore. What does he have to do - bring the other woman home, have sex in your bed in front of you and tell you that he wants her not you? You are deluding yourself and, really, it is his problem, yet you are making it yours as you clearly don't think you can do better than this idiot you are married to. 

You were old enough to have children, be mature enough to put their mental health and welfare first. Obviously, your parents didn't do that for you, or you wouldn't be with this guy and trying to hold on after he has disrespected you and your children. How can you care for and love your children or him - when you clearly don't love and respect yourself?

 

Thank you @ThefirstwomanWe are in our 30's. We met before 18. 

Thank you for the advice. "The other woman in my own marriage"? How could that be? I hold his last name, I have his children, we share a home, we share a bed, we share family, we spend the majority of our time together. How would that make me the other woman? Could you expand on this thought?

 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/23/2021 at 10:38 PM, S2B said:

He knows you well enough to know you won’t do a thing to get better for yourself. He thinks you’ll settle for this crap behavior he’s been handing you.

and that’s not good enough. Be strong and do what’s best for yourself. And for your kids!

DO better! He’s screwing you over and you’re just agreeing to all his crap... stop that and begin to help yourself!

 

and stop saying he’s a great husband... a great husband doesn’t do this to his wife! EVER!

 

Thank you @S2B. It's not that I am agreeing with it, it makes me feel disgusted. But as I posted in my update, these past few days away have been nothing but great and I do think he has finally come to senses as he wasn't worried about her or making calls to her as his attention has been on me, our family and us.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/23/2021 at 10:46 PM, lana-banana said:

"If he loved her, he wouldn't spend time with his children"? What?? How does that make sense?

You are determined to believe that everything he says to you is true and everything he says to her is a lie. Even if it was that binary (and it's not, because he is lying to you about his whereabouts and happiness every day), that just means your husband is a pathological liar who's comfortable cheating on you. And that's the best-case scenario. How does that make you feel good?

I wish you would really read and re-read Lynne's post above. You have got to demand better. Your husband has apparently figured out that if he takes enough nice pictures and posts stuff on social media, you will tolerate him having a separate girlfriend. And you're proving him right! He is going to keep disrespecting you as long as you don't respect yourself.

@lana-banana I don't mean it as if he loved her, he wouldn't spend time with his children, he wouldn't spend time with me.

 

I will re read this post.

[S2B]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @S2B. It's not that I am agreeing with it, it makes me feel disgusted. But as I posted in my update, these past few days away have been nothing but great and I do think he has finally come to senses as he wasn't worried about her or making calls to her as his attention has been on me, our family and us.

You are fooling yourself.

it’s ONLY because you were away. You know what he’s going to do upon returning home! 
 

no one can help you if you don’t help yourself.

you have a fraction of his time and attention - those aren’t the vows he took with you!

[husbandcheating]

On 6/24/2021 at 12:24 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry, but I don't see how both these things can be true:

He comes home every night and is always with you. And he has had a secret girlfriend for the last 3 years. 

Doesn't add up. 

@ExpatInItaly He is home every night and he is always at home working outside of running errands for his family. I take it this is where he finds her.

[S2B]

Your husband has it all. A wife who he pretends with to make a happy home/family life - and an OW who he can play with and put her away when he heads back home to his obligations.

why does he get both while you get near nothing?

are you satisfied with this ‘arrangement’?

because I haven’t read one thing you typed that indicates you would leave him for breaking your vows.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/24/2021 at 12:54 AM, NYAG said:

How is this a great love story? I'm sorry I don't understand.

@NYAGWhen I say a great love story, I am referring to us knowing each other for a great time of our lives and still together. Starting out young and as young parents and still together in love.

Edited June 29, 2021 by husbandcheating

[S2B]

Just now, husbandcheating said:

@NYAGWhen I say a great love story, I am referring to us knowing each other for a great time of our lives and still together. Starting out young and as young parents and still together in love.

Maybe you are in love. Stop speaking FOR him! His actions show otherwise!

[husbandcheating]

On 6/24/2021 at 1:23 AM, Indigo Night said:

"Things said in anger", that he recently brought up in a text with his brother. It sounds like he meant what he said.

I rarely search pages back on here, but for you, I'll make an exception!

This is from your post a few pages ago:

Your husband wrote:

"Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

`~~~~~~~

Go back and read that post again. The WHOLE thing. Then you will know why people say he loves Amanda, and she loves him. It's ALL right there!!! 

Isn't it interesting that he showed you houses recently, and you think they're for the two of you to live happily ever after. Even though he recently texted his brother about how he tried to do the same thing in the past to get rid of you. Followed by how much he loves Amanda, and she makes him so happy.

Seriously, go read it! You seem to have forgotten what it says with all of your "why do people say he loves her" comments.

You REALLY need to go back and read this entire thread, and count how many times you contradict yourself. How many times you call him a loving husband, (Which must be true because on social media he wouldn't lie. He just cheats on you, for years.). How often you defend him when people point out his flaws, or why he is being a bad husband to you.

He probably is a great father. You haven't said anything that indicates that he didn't love his children. In fact, he loves them so much he doesn't want to leave them alone with you (It's what he told his brother in the text you posted)

As a husband, he is far from a good one! People have given you EVERY example why he isn't, and given you so much good advice, but you have not taken A SINGLE thing said to heart. You defend him. You justify his actions. You make excuses for how he couldn't possibly cheat because he's home every night (So was my husband, and many other people's. And? They were still cheating!!!).

You're going to keep believing that Amanda will go away, and you and your husband will be the happy couple that you've always been. Well, the couple that YOU think you've always been. According to the text with his brother, he didn't feel the same way about you, or even close.

Seriously, go back to the beginning and read EVERY post. You're responding to people who have, and treating them like they don't understand. They do. You're just contradicting yourself, and making your marriage into a fairy tale that it isn't. 

Good luck! You're going to need it. (And the only person that doesn't know that here, is you!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

@IndigoNight "he WHOLE thing. Then you will know why people say he loves Amanda, and she loves him. It's ALL right there!!! " I did read that and I remember the day as well, and I don't see how this says he is in love with that woman.I don't see how the two connect in any way.

We have talked about houses before but now that the housing market is getting better we think this could be a good time. If he planned to leave, I don't see why he would put stake into a marital property together with me.

He is a great father. I am finding it hard to believe that he never loved me. Our years, events, outings, conversations, and all I think it is impossible for him to fake 20 + years of knowing each other. And I do not see him throwing that away over a woman he met 4 years ago.

[Indigo Night]

You have proven that you will only see what you want to. It doesn't matter what he has done, as long as you still believe he loves you, it will all be okay.

I can't tell you how often I thought that with my ex. Until one day I realized the only person he loved was himself. I'm not a bitter ex. He needed to exist to me a long time ago.

 Even my son knows his dad is unfaithful, to his second wife. I never told him. He figured it's out. Now, he sees what his dad put me through for decades, and hates him.

I hope your children never get to that point. I tried to protect my son, but he's not blind or stupid. He wont even talk to his father anymore. As far as my son is concerned, he is dead to him. Not just for the cheating, but the lies, the manipulations, and acting like I was the crazy one. Among other things.

It will all come out one day. Heaven help you when it does 

[S2B]

I guess this is what the mean when they say love is blind. At least from your side anyway.

we can’t make you see what you refuse to see.

it is right there in front of you though. Denying it isn’t won’t make it different.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going to bow out of this thread. It's clear we're going around in circles and repeating ourselves, page after page. 

Good luck to you, OP.

[elaine567]

Denial is a stage of loss and it appears the OP is stuck in this mental state.
Her husband is doing his thing covering up his affair by being oh so nice to the OP, and that fuels her disordered thinking even further. 
it suits her to go "Lalalala every thing is fine and dandy" when the forest fire has breached her boundary and threatens to engulf her home and all in it. 
"Another slice of apple pie, anyone?"

She cannot face the truth, so she doesn't.
Maybe this is her usual strategy and why her husband is at pains to make sure his kids are safe and provided for, despite his heart being elsewhere.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

you are in a one sided ope marriage. All his words won't change that. If you are okay with the situation, great. I couldn't do it, but you seem to want to. This is why I'm suggesting you sit down with him and hash all this out. At least you'll know better where you stand, and you two can set some ground rules for your marriage.

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

When I say a great love story, I am referring to us knowing each other for a great time of our lives and still together.

This could also be inertia, fear, or concern for the effects splitting up might have on the kids. My H was with his xW since he was a kid, for about 30 years… and then he left. My own parents “stayed together for the kids” and then split as soon as the kids were grown. Don’t assume that because he hasn’t left *yet*, he’s not going anywhere. You have the signs. Don’t let yourself be blindsided. 

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

If he planned to leave, I don't see why he would put stake into a marital property together with me.

Because he doesn’t want you to be homeless when he leaves you - he owns his home, you don’t. He doesn’t want to leave you on the street.