My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Allupinnit]

Remember how much fun you had on your birthday week away?  When he came back he told her he faked the whole thing to maintain the peace with you.  Did that not break your heart?

He's probably already told her that regarding your amazing weekend away with your family.  Of course he can be in the moment with you.  He's mastered this duplicity over the course of several years.  He's got it down pat.  

I suspect you think this is some midlife crisis and he'll eventually get over it and you can go back to having him all to yourself.  Just like she lies in wait for the day he ups and leaves you the way he's promising her.  Two women inadvertently pitted against the other, hoping to "win" in the end.  

If you want to keep him, you probably can, for the foreseeable future at least.  I think I and the rest of the posters hope is that you could at least admit the reality of your situation and sack up and garner some control of your life.  You've got a rat in your house and you hope keeping the mudroom closed will contain the infestation.  Ok so you had an AWESOME weekend away - I'm sure you've had lots of good times over the past 4 years he's had a gf.  Nothing here has changed.

[pepperbird2]

Really, the guy here is never going to change. He feels entitled to do what he does, and so long as that's he case, he'll keep right on going.

OP,

I know you see him as this great guy and dad who has just sort of lost his way. Madam, he is no little lost lamb. This was not a "one night stand".  He is actively choosing, each and every day, to engage in a course of action (cheating) that has a very high potential of blowing his happy family up, of scarring his children and you.
Does that sound like the actions of a man who loves his wife? Who loves his kids? What sort of loving husband and asks his wife and kids to assume this huge risk to their mental and physical health ? Not only does he do this, he puts you through he further humiliation of talking about you, your marriage and how he'd rather be with his ow with his fmaily, and likely even his ow as well. I except she knows all sorts of information about you and your life you would rather not share.  There's every chance he's given her a long laundry list of all your perceived faults- he needs his ow to believe she has to  be there for him because his big, bad "wifey" is at home making his life miserable( at least, according to him). It's her and him against this big, cruel world and a wife who doesn't understand him, never did and holds him back from being happy.  I wonder what he's told her about your recent weekend away?

[Daisydooks]

This is Edith 2.0. Wow. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 10:56 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you BaileyB. I don't believe there is a world with her, most likely sex and I guess I just don't want to blow up our family for sex. 

A business with someone else is not sex. Buying a home with someone else is not sex. Why do you think these things are just sex? Also, do I detect a bit of a smug tone in your posts? Hope not--there are a lot of very smart people who post here. Could just be my interpretation though.

Have you read Edith's thread? I think you and her may have more in common than you would be willing to admit. She's about 20 years further into her marriage than you so it could be informative of what lies ahead.

Edited July 2, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

In case you missed it:

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 12:08 PM, BaileyB said:

This feels like edith 2.0. 

She is 13 years down the road from you… only her husband is a whole lot less invested with his other woman than your husband. 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/587945-my-husband-has-been-cheating-with-the-same-woman-for-over-a-decade-is-this-serious/

I swear I just saw this post! 😀 Aaaack! Bailey, get out of my head! Lol! Just joking.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 1:43 PM, husbandcheating said:

This is very frightening. We have children and he is a wonderful father. I also love him, we have too much history to throw away.

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/22/2021 at 2:50 PM, husbandcheating said:

I am going to read everyones comments. This is just an update. In one of my updates, I mentioned he brought up buying a house, so this morning he woke up and showed me some listings. He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.

Could it be possible that he's looking for a house with you so he can execute his plans from 7 years ago? That is to set you up in a new home while he stays in the current one. He did bring it up to his brother recently. 🤔

Maybe this is part of his exit strategy...to get you physically into a separate home. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

Yes, lots of this happening in OP's mind, especially projecting what 'he' needs (he needs to focus on his family to be happy) when really it's what SHE needs but for which she ultimately has no control. Perhaps the projection is a self-soothing defense mechanism--when we don't feel in control, we try to mitigate our anxiety by trying to gain control over our environment or others, especially when we lack tools for self-empowerment or self-realization.  When we are overtaken by fear (of change/loss/the unknown), our mind can concoct all sorts of mental gymnastics to make us feel safe even when we are not.

That's probably bio-evolutionary (sp?). I watched a lecture yesterday about how stress and poor coping mechanisms manifest as diseases in the body. It included how personalities are formed based on early life experiences, how we compensate as adults, how that shapes our behavior in relationships, and how those behaviors can manifest serious diseases in our bodies. 

Look up Dr. Gabor Mate if you're interested. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/22/2021 at 6:02 PM, elaine567 said:

OP shaking her booty at him will no doubt go down like a lead balloon

🤣 your choice of words tickled my funny bone!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/23/2021 at 3:56 PM, husbandcheating said:

The woman that he cheated on me with was the woman he was with right before me. We got together and then I was pregnant, he still was seeing her. 

"Everything he’s doing with you is fake." Wouldn't you think everything he does with her is fake as I am the one he is actually with.

Maybe he is fake with everybody. 🤷

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/24/2021 at 3:47 AM, elaine567 said:

It is actually much worse, it is 4 years...

and counting! 😉

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 10:46 PM, husbandcheating said:

Today we went to his father's house for a Father's Day Extravaganza. Both of our families attended and it was a great time building memories. We are still here but they are all watching tv in the family room. I love when our families come together to celebrate things like Father's Day! He has been stellar today, lots of love and affection and he even left his phone at home. If he was so entangled with that woman, wouldn't you all think his phone would be attached to his hip. His focus today has been me and our family. Very present. I was even testing him to see if he would kiss me when I go in for them and every single time he has kissed me back, no hesitation. These are the things that drives me to know this is a temporary.  He isn't worried about that woman at all. All attention with us.

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/21/2021 at 1:01 PM, husbandcheating said:

I also wanted to put the events of my mother's day. She is also a mother and has children and I wanted to know how he would handle it all. I know that she is a mother and has children, so I wanted to know how he would juggle. For Mother's Day, him and the kids took me to brunch, just us, and he set up a photo shoot with a professional photographer. The photography was amazing! He also packed a bag for our wardrobe changes and we took "engagement photos" so lots of love photos, kissing, photos of rings, couple things. That was on that Saturday and Sunday the actual day he set up a family BBQ at our house which I did enjoy. All in! That wasn't "co-worker" that was displaying our love! 

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/21/2021 at 10:51 PM, husbandcheating said:

I see everyones comments and I will respond. I wanted to update. Today he left his phone while he was on a zoom call in the office and I looked into his phone again. A text message (preview) between him and his brother caught my eye. The only thing I saw was "I do love her, I am in love with her and I am going to make it work" I immediately had joy knowing that the message was meant about me. When I opened the text message, the whole message was about this woman. I am HURTING. He told his brother how he feels that him and that woman have a connection he has never felt and how with me he was doing what was right when I got pregnant as teenagers. How he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". "husbandcheating and I relationship is good, she is a great person, you know that and I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household" "She thinks she loves me but she doesn't, she's just used to me because we have known each other since high school" "Amanda has a hard time dealing with things and we talk it out, she doesn't like the circumstances of course, but she is willing to stay the course and putting the trust in me to handle this over here" "No she hates it, and she's upset about it but she understands it and knows its a lot to unpack in a long marriage, she was in one and was unhappy"  "Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

"She thinks she loves me but she doesn't"?????????????????????? 

" I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household"?????????????????????????

""Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

There was so much more but apparently my husband is on drugs smh. He has never hinted at any thing! He thinks I don't love him????? I don't understand!

^^^^STEP 3

On 6/21/2021 at 11:00 PM, husbandcheating said:

The text messages between him and Amanda (I now know her name because all he calls her is baby), she texted him yesterday and he texted her this morning asking how her day was yesterday. She told him "baby did you have a good time at (naming my familys name-so she knows my family by name???? and knew all of the plans for yesterday?????) " He told her he had an "OK" time and that it is always fun with family but he would of rather relaxed on his day. She in turn said "well honey we still have the rest of the month to continue the celebration!" He says "Baby you have been spoiling me all month for Father's Day, you spoil me everyday, I miss you and love you baby" I AM DISGUSTED. He then asked her " Are you ready for the next big venture?" Her response "Of course, what are you thinking, lets secure these nest eggs!" And they went to talk about some damn idea he thought of while being at OUR FAMILYS HOUSE yesterday. He then told her to contact the same person she contacted before for his sister. His sister is in a rehab facility. So he has doing things for his sister?????????????????????????????????????

^^^^STEP 3

On 6/29/2021 at 1:20 AM, husbandcheating said:

I will read everyones replies but I wanted to give an update. My husband took us out of town to go visit family. During this trip, we had some time by ourselves. While I was furious, the time that he allotted for us, had me thinking "maybe he is really serious about us and this". He went out of his way to make sure we had some alone time. He could tell I had been feeling kind of out of it, and he thanked me for being the woman of the house and that he loved me and how he and the children are very lucky to have me. Maybe this trip was his eye awakening to stop doing the crazy stuff or maybe out of his "crisis". Yes he piled on the affection, affectionate pet names, and etc. No posting on his social media, but I did post some videos and photos of us in which he loved. 

The past few days on our trip have been I don't know, different. He was always around us and I know for a fact he had no time to contact her. This may be it.

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/29/2021 at 1:23 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @LynneVicious. I know that my marriage is not stellar but I do believe that because of the years and history, it is worth saving especially since he is still staying which has to amount to something. What do I want? I want my husband. I want him to stop to which I do think now it could be over, this weekend and past few days were the stellar moments. His phone was non existent, I can say that she was not on his mind. He was completely focused on me. Our family. And us. 

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

@husbandcheating Please notice the patterns here. STEPS (examples outlined above):

1) You are looking for confirmation he is committed to your marriage.

2) You see him do certain things which you believe confirm what you want to see (i.e. confirmation bias).

3) You see evidence to the contrary.

 

Repeat cycle beginning again with 1) You look for confirmation [that THIS TIME] he is committed to your marriage.

YOU WILL CONTINUE THIS MENTAL MERRY-GO-ROUND UNTIL THE DAY YOU DECIDE TO STOP!!

Other people in your situation have started threads wherein they are caught up in this same cycle. Edith's is one such thread. Another was started by Lacey(something I believe). Even LShalcy's thread might be enlightening (OW whose MM successfully hid his marriage from her for 2 years and she is caught in a similar thought loop as you).  They are stuck exactly the same way as you. Perhaps reading their threads will enlighten you with your own situation. Maybe you'll be detached enough from their stories to understand how their situations are harmful to them while at the same time recognizing similar patterns between their stories and yours--mainly with respect to how you and they choose to handle their circumstances.

[Vanity1]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:45 AM, husbandcheating said:

My husband never complains, he never acts as if he is upset or tired of me. He goes along with any and everything that I may bring to the table. And he is the ever loving family man with both of our families.

My birthday was some weeks back and he took me on a week long trip, no kids, just us. For my birthdays, I always do it big and he made sure he did it big for me. The weekend before my birthday, we had family over and then on my actual birthday we left for our trip. We had a great time and we talked and laughed alot. These moments reminds me how much love we have between us. It is confusing me. We talked about buying a new home! Confusion again now that we are home. I am back in the questionable phase of WHY WOULD HE DO ALL OF THIS?

Social Media-He posted me, us and responded to every comment acknolwedging me as his wife! And how much my birthday means to him. How much I mean to him.

The whole trip he hardly was on his phone except for to check in our kids and talking to family.

When we got back home, I checked his phone to see he actually did contact her and made sure to "check in" with her everyday we were on our trip. UNBELIEVABLE. He told her "The pictures I take with her is like standing next to my co worker, let me handle things over here, everything I tell you is everything that I am. You have me. Just handling this for a little more. I'm not building with you just because. I don't build with anyone for nothing." Kissing, holding me, affectionate moments is like standing next to your co worker????? 

She asked him what does handling things mean and his response was "Playing the supporting role". 

 

 

He is running the show...he is having his cake and eating it too.

 

same thing happened to my cousin decades with her high school sweetheart. He had a relationship with a co worker for years, the other woman got pregnant- and he left his wife, their kids who are in their 20s. He started a brand new life with her.  

My cousin was even willing to raise the baby as long as they stayed together. It’s not going to get any better. It doesn’t matter if you have history. Someone else captured his heart, history doesn’t matter in this case. 

 

So so many wives willing to be the sidechick.

 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Hurtx10

[Vanity1]

On 6/29/2021 at 1:28 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @ThefirstwomanWe are in our 30's. We met before 18. 

Thank you for the advice. "The other woman in my own marriage"? How could that be? I hold his last name, I have his children, we share a home, we share a bed, we share family, we spend the majority of our time together. How would that make me the other woman? Could you expand on this thought?

 

It doesn’t matter because emotionally in his heart where it truly counts, he isn’t yours. 

IMO he sees you as a great caregiver “the woman of the house”- his words. For his children. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Correcting myself from my previous post. Not Lacey(something), but @LaurenEliz.

Here is her first thread (and you should check her second thread she posted months later as well):

 

[husbandcheating]

I will read everyones replies individually but I wanted to give an update.

He did reach out to her, not often and their conversation was very minimal when we were together. I do see this as indicator, he wasn't worried too much about being in contact with her. This weekend we have a lot planned with family and friends that I am looking forward to. So is he. 

In all of your opinions, do you not think that minimal communication is not an indicator of him figuring out that is a ruse and not real? He doesn't minimize conversation with me. He can't, that is impossible.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:02 PM, Indigo Night said:

You have proven that you will only see what you want to. It doesn't matter what he has done, as long as you still believe he loves you, it will all be okay.

I can't tell you how often I thought that with my ex. Until one day I realized the only person he loved was himself. I'm not a bitter ex. He needed to exist to me a long time ago.

 Even my son knows his dad is unfaithful, to his second wife. I never told him. He figured it's out. Now, he sees what his dad put me through for decades, and hates him.

I hope your children never get to that point. I tried to protect my son, but he's not blind or stupid. He wont even talk to his father anymore. As far as my son is concerned, he is dead to him. Not just for the cheating, but the lies, the manipulations, and acting like I was the crazy one. Among other things.

It will all come out one day. Heaven help you when it does 

Thank you for your response. It is not that I only want to see what I want to, I do feel that beyond this woman Amanda, him staying shows that he does love me. 

How do you navigate your sons position with his dad. Children really do see all. I do hope that our children won't reach that point and I am hoping my husband drops this woman.

[husbandcheating]

10 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

It doesn’t matter because emotionally in his heart where it truly counts, he isn’t yours. 

IMO he sees you as a great caregiver “the woman of the house”- his words. For his children. 

I don't understand that and I think this is what is frustrating some users. I don't understand how he can stay in our marriage just loving me as a great caregiver, and woman of the house. The affection, outings, social media etc, these are things that he does not have to do to say I am the great caregiver but he does. I don't make him do date nights or take me out so understanding that he sees me a "great caregiver" is really turning me for a loop that most think this is what it is. Our marriage he still has both feet in.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:16 PM, S2B said:

I guess this is what the mean when they say love is blind. At least from your side anyway.

we can’t make you see what you refuse to see.

it is right there in front of you though. Denying it isn’t won’t make it different.

Thank you S2B. I want to explain that I do see everything that is happening but like I said in another post, I don't quite put together the pieces of him not loving me because he is still at home with me. Right now currently sleeping right in our bed, right next to me. If he loved Amanda, he would be in her bed, or their bed but he is in OUR bed,  every night, every morning. I don't see how users are saying he is with me out of obligation or he loves me but not like he loves her. From his actions, his love is with me because this is his home. I am having a terrible time understanding users view on this.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:59 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm going to bow out of this thread. It's clear we're going around in circles and repeating ourselves, page after page. 

Good luck to you, OP.

Thank you @ExpatInItalyfor your advice thus far. I really do take all into account even when it seems as I am not. I am trying to make sense of it all.

 

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 12:21 AM, elaine567 said:

Denial is a stage of loss and it appears the OP is stuck in this mental state.
Her husband is doing his thing covering up his affair by being oh so nice to the OP, and that fuels her disordered thinking even further. 
it suits her to go "Lalalala every thing is fine and dandy" when the forest fire has breached her boundary and threatens to engulf her home and all in it. 
"Another slice of apple pie, anyone?"

She cannot face the truth, so she doesn't.
Maybe this is her usual strategy and why her husband is at pains to make sure his kids are safe and provided for, despite his heart being elsewhere.

Thank you @elaine567 for your response.

I am having a hard time believing that my husband doesn't want to be here when he is here at home with me. Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it. It is hard to think he doesn't love me as users are saying. If he really did not want to be here in our home, then he would leave, there is no point in staying with someone if they did not love them. My husband has been here lovingly for over two decades and we have been married for over half of those years. I have not threatened him, he is here willingly. I do believe that this Amanda woman is just for sex, and that is not an excuse at all. I do understand the seriousness of that but I also do not think my husband wants to throw away our marriage for this woman who he doesn't even choose to reach out to. I don't understand how some users don't even see his lack of communication with her as something important. He doesn't love her, he won't even talk to her. He talks to me more than he talks to her.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:00 AM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

you are in a one sided ope marriage. All his words won't change that. If you are okay with the situation, great. I couldn't do it, but you seem to want to. This is why I'm suggesting you sit down with him and hash all this out. At least you'll know better where you stand, and you two can set some ground rules for your marriage.

@pepperbird2 One sided marriage thank you for this. I do not see this. I don't make my husband do any of the things that he does. He has chosen to stay in our over a decade marriage. He has chosen to be with me over two decades. I have not twisted his arm or threatened him in any way. When you say "one sided", what do you mean in that?

I am not okay with this situation, I am just hoping this Amanda leaves.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:40 AM, Prudence V said:

This could also be inertia, fear, or concern for the effects splitting up might have on the kids. My H was with his xW since he was a kid, for about 30 years… and then he left. My own parents “stayed together for the kids” and then split as soon as the kids were grown. Don’t assume that because he hasn’t left *yet*, he’s not going anywhere. You have the signs. Don’t let yourself be blindsided. 

Thank you @Prudence V. May I ask, did your current husband have an affair from his previous wife? Why did he leave? Was it a bad marriage? My husband and I do not have a bad marriage, our days are good. Very good. kids, family, us. There is no boat rocking and we are pretty stable in our everyday life.

As I was telling others in my previous post, many here are saying he is not in love with me but has love for me. My husband still does everything as a husband should, he takes me out on dates, we sleep in the same bad, have sex, he posts on social media about me, he always is just here as my loving husband. He takes me on special trips, and outings as husband and wife and he still dotes on me. This is how I know this Amanda woman is sex and temporary. When he is with me, he isn't worried about communicating with her so to me that indicates possibly boredom when he does contact her. She doesn't get half of the things I get. This is why I do not understand users standpoint here.