My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Vanity1]

On 6/29/2021 at 1:28 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @ThefirstwomanWe are in our 30's. We met before 18. 

Thank you for the advice. "The other woman in my own marriage"? How could that be? I hold his last name, I have his children, we share a home, we share a bed, we share family, we spend the majority of our time together. How would that make me the other woman? Could you expand on this thought?

 

It doesn’t matter because emotionally in his heart where it truly counts, he isn’t yours. 

IMO he sees you as a great caregiver “the woman of the house”- his words. For his children. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Correcting myself from my previous post. Not Lacey(something), but @LaurenEliz.

Here is her first thread (and you should check her second thread she posted months later as well):

 

[husbandcheating]

I will read everyones replies individually but I wanted to give an update.

He did reach out to her, not often and their conversation was very minimal when we were together. I do see this as indicator, he wasn't worried too much about being in contact with her. This weekend we have a lot planned with family and friends that I am looking forward to. So is he. 

In all of your opinions, do you not think that minimal communication is not an indicator of him figuring out that is a ruse and not real? He doesn't minimize conversation with me. He can't, that is impossible.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:02 PM, Indigo Night said:

You have proven that you will only see what you want to. It doesn't matter what he has done, as long as you still believe he loves you, it will all be okay.

I can't tell you how often I thought that with my ex. Until one day I realized the only person he loved was himself. I'm not a bitter ex. He needed to exist to me a long time ago.

 Even my son knows his dad is unfaithful, to his second wife. I never told him. He figured it's out. Now, he sees what his dad put me through for decades, and hates him.

I hope your children never get to that point. I tried to protect my son, but he's not blind or stupid. He wont even talk to his father anymore. As far as my son is concerned, he is dead to him. Not just for the cheating, but the lies, the manipulations, and acting like I was the crazy one. Among other things.

It will all come out one day. Heaven help you when it does 

Thank you for your response. It is not that I only want to see what I want to, I do feel that beyond this woman Amanda, him staying shows that he does love me. 

How do you navigate your sons position with his dad. Children really do see all. I do hope that our children won't reach that point and I am hoping my husband drops this woman.

[husbandcheating]

10 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

It doesn’t matter because emotionally in his heart where it truly counts, he isn’t yours. 

IMO he sees you as a great caregiver “the woman of the house”- his words. For his children. 

I don't understand that and I think this is what is frustrating some users. I don't understand how he can stay in our marriage just loving me as a great caregiver, and woman of the house. The affection, outings, social media etc, these are things that he does not have to do to say I am the great caregiver but he does. I don't make him do date nights or take me out so understanding that he sees me a "great caregiver" is really turning me for a loop that most think this is what it is. Our marriage he still has both feet in.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:16 PM, S2B said:

I guess this is what the mean when they say love is blind. At least from your side anyway.

we can’t make you see what you refuse to see.

it is right there in front of you though. Denying it isn’t won’t make it different.

Thank you S2B. I want to explain that I do see everything that is happening but like I said in another post, I don't quite put together the pieces of him not loving me because he is still at home with me. Right now currently sleeping right in our bed, right next to me. If he loved Amanda, he would be in her bed, or their bed but he is in OUR bed,  every night, every morning. I don't see how users are saying he is with me out of obligation or he loves me but not like he loves her. From his actions, his love is with me because this is his home. I am having a terrible time understanding users view on this.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:59 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm going to bow out of this thread. It's clear we're going around in circles and repeating ourselves, page after page. 

Good luck to you, OP.

Thank you @ExpatInItalyfor your advice thus far. I really do take all into account even when it seems as I am not. I am trying to make sense of it all.

 

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 12:21 AM, elaine567 said:

Denial is a stage of loss and it appears the OP is stuck in this mental state.
Her husband is doing his thing covering up his affair by being oh so nice to the OP, and that fuels her disordered thinking even further. 
it suits her to go "Lalalala every thing is fine and dandy" when the forest fire has breached her boundary and threatens to engulf her home and all in it. 
"Another slice of apple pie, anyone?"

She cannot face the truth, so she doesn't.
Maybe this is her usual strategy and why her husband is at pains to make sure his kids are safe and provided for, despite his heart being elsewhere.

Thank you @elaine567 for your response.

I am having a hard time believing that my husband doesn't want to be here when he is here at home with me. Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it. It is hard to think he doesn't love me as users are saying. If he really did not want to be here in our home, then he would leave, there is no point in staying with someone if they did not love them. My husband has been here lovingly for over two decades and we have been married for over half of those years. I have not threatened him, he is here willingly. I do believe that this Amanda woman is just for sex, and that is not an excuse at all. I do understand the seriousness of that but I also do not think my husband wants to throw away our marriage for this woman who he doesn't even choose to reach out to. I don't understand how some users don't even see his lack of communication with her as something important. He doesn't love her, he won't even talk to her. He talks to me more than he talks to her.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:00 AM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

you are in a one sided ope marriage. All his words won't change that. If you are okay with the situation, great. I couldn't do it, but you seem to want to. This is why I'm suggesting you sit down with him and hash all this out. At least you'll know better where you stand, and you two can set some ground rules for your marriage.

@pepperbird2 One sided marriage thank you for this. I do not see this. I don't make my husband do any of the things that he does. He has chosen to stay in our over a decade marriage. He has chosen to be with me over two decades. I have not twisted his arm or threatened him in any way. When you say "one sided", what do you mean in that?

I am not okay with this situation, I am just hoping this Amanda leaves.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:40 AM, Prudence V said:

This could also be inertia, fear, or concern for the effects splitting up might have on the kids. My H was with his xW since he was a kid, for about 30 years… and then he left. My own parents “stayed together for the kids” and then split as soon as the kids were grown. Don’t assume that because he hasn’t left *yet*, he’s not going anywhere. You have the signs. Don’t let yourself be blindsided. 

Thank you @Prudence V. May I ask, did your current husband have an affair from his previous wife? Why did he leave? Was it a bad marriage? My husband and I do not have a bad marriage, our days are good. Very good. kids, family, us. There is no boat rocking and we are pretty stable in our everyday life.

As I was telling others in my previous post, many here are saying he is not in love with me but has love for me. My husband still does everything as a husband should, he takes me out on dates, we sleep in the same bad, have sex, he posts on social media about me, he always is just here as my loving husband. He takes me on special trips, and outings as husband and wife and he still dotes on me. This is how I know this Amanda woman is sex and temporary. When he is with me, he isn't worried about communicating with her so to me that indicates possibly boredom when he does contact her. She doesn't get half of the things I get. This is why I do not understand users standpoint here.

 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:47 AM, Prudence V said:

Because he doesn’t want you to be homeless when he leaves you - he owns his home, you don’t. He doesn’t want to leave you on the street. 

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

[elaine567]

You appear to have little or no comprehension of how affairs work. he stays for his kids,
Take away the kids factor and you would likely not see him for dust.

it is perfectly possible to maintain a veneer, all the while resenting,  or even hating a partner.
Women do it all the time, they stay for kids, for financial reasons and for "show". they may or may not stray,  and one day once the kids are grown, they are financially stable, or they cannot stand the pretence any longer, they leave... 

Atm he needs you to look after his kids, so is doing the good husband/father thing. because it suits him.
What all cheaters have in common, is they all do what is best for themselves and have little care for anyone else.
ATM he is playing the family man with a mistress on the side, plotting his escape.
If Dday happens such men tend to dump the OW and try to salvage what is left of their marriage  as they don't want to lose their kids or their assets.
Once the flak dies down they often resume things with their OW anyway. Win, win.

What makes your situation different is that your husband is still young enough to start again and that he is caught up financially with this woman. 
if he was 50+ then you could keep up this charade of a marriage and turn a blind eye, as the likelihood being he wouldn't leave.
However here it is a house of cards, anything is possible....
Wake up.

Edited July 3, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

Yes because he is likely still going to raise his kids there, only he is not going to be there...
I don't understand why you are not suspicious of his motives. He already tried to pull this stunt, only you didn't agree the last time...
This time he is just a bit cleverer in his approach...  
He gets you out of his house, the kids are safely re-housed and he can then do as he pleases with his inheritance cash..
His own house becomes a liquefiable asset.

This man has had an OW for FOUR long years. he is NOT the man you think he is.
Blind trust is a wonderful thing, but you don't blindly trust people who have shown you they are not to be trusted... that is just foolish. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

This is why I do not understand users standpoint here.

You don't understand because you are choosing not to. Frankly, I believe I spelled out to you pretty plainly why you don't understand what is happening in your situation. (Many others have too but you are too enamored with your blissful ignorance.)

Fyi, the post where I quoted you pointing out how you are trapped in your thinking took over an hour to write. I read your whole thread and posted several more which took more hours. You just blazed right by all of it because it didn't fit the narrative you want to believe, which is based on lies you are telling yourself.

What exactly do you want from posters here? Are you wanting everybody to agree with your false narative?  What you fail to recognize, which so many others here are observing, are the tell-tale signs of what is truly happening in your marriage based on YOUR OWN WORDS. 

I have been posting here for about five years. In that time I have learned to recognize many patterns in relationships and people's behavior from reading their stories. I believe that is true for many long-time posters here--several of whom have replied on your thread. Yet, lo and behold, you continue to discount everyone's good advice. Why? If you are not going to take seriously the information people are so generously bestowing upon you, what are you here for?

If you want people to agree with you, tell you everything is 'pie-in-the-sky,' I can tell you from experience that's not what you'll get here. People here tell the truth as they see it from their own paradigms. When I first came here with my situation, I got my butt kicked a little. It's because I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It was painful to hear the truth sometimes that I wasn't makimg the best decisions. People here helped me and I'm way smarter now. I'm so quick to cut the crap in my real life. I see patterns quickly and easily in people's behavior. I can tell a person's motive within minutes. It saves me months, possibly years, of wasting my energy. 

You can learn a lot here, too, but you need to dump the attitude that anyone who doesn't agree with your narrative doesn't know what they are talking about. 

You are in denial. You are lying to yourself. People here can see it, but you treat them like they somehow lack the ability to understand the blissful existence you think you are in. You are the one who isn't getting it. Sorry that you probably don't want to hear that, and perhaps you will just blaze right by this post also...to your detriment. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

Look up "future faking." Often, cheaters do this with their affair partners but hasn't moving you to a new house been his plan before? I would be quietlu meeting a lawyer, OP! Even if you want to ostrich your way through this, PLEASE see a lawyer. He has a business with someone else he has told you nothing about (ow or not this is bad marriage business and he is trying to hide assets from his wife - you.) Even if he went into business with a man he wasnt sleeping with, he is hiding money from you. There are BIG parts of your husband you do not know about. This will huge and Im shocked youre not opening your eyes to this. He has a full business running with this woman, yet you feel him posting on Facebook somehow matters more? I dont get it. I ask you to wake up because this man you think you know after 2 decades is about to royally f*** you if you dont wake up. Your entire world is about to blow up and youre here chatting about how he took you out for your birthday, took pictures for Facebook and future faked with you. 

He may even have a burner phone to communicate with her you know nothing about. 

You are either not wanting to see this for what it is (understandably,) or you're being purposely obtuse. Regardless, speak to a lawyer about lining your ducks up and how to protect yourself in the event we are right... because youre going to need a shark of a lawyer when this s*** hits the fan... and it wont be long now. You shouldn't be blindsided but you will be if you dont take the advise here  

 

[RebeccaR]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it.

He doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy so he does all the things a “good husband” is “supposed” to do, including the soppy social media stuff, which tbh always seems fake or exaggerated. But he told his brother in plain words that he’s  not in love with you. I don’t know why you ignore those words, which seem like the truthful ones.

 

[Daisydooks]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @elaine567 for your response.

I am having a hard time believing that my husband doesn't want to be here when he is here at home with me. Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it. It is hard to think he doesn't love me as users are saying. If he really did not want to be here in our home, then he would leave, there is no point in staying with someone if they did not love them. My husband has been here lovingly for over two decades and we have been married for over half of those years. I have not threatened him, he is here willingly. I do believe that this Amanda woman is just for sex, and that is not an excuse at all. I do understand the seriousness of that but I also do not think my husband wants to throw away our marriage for this woman who he doesn't even choose to reach out to. I don't understand how some users don't even see his lack of communication with her as something important. He doesn't love her, he won't even talk to her. He talks to me more than he talks to her.

 This is what he's doing and why ⬇️⬇️⬇️

He is setting his future up so that he has a nice little nest egg you dont know about (but you do know about it) when he leaves you. He is hiding assets on you and thinks youre stupid enough not to know about or catch onto the fact that he has been sinking family assets into this side business. Why are you not more angry about this. HE IS BANKING ON YOU NOT KNOWING and not having a shark of a lawyer to find all of his little hidden assets he has been stowing away for years. He is making sure his future is bright even after he leaves you with the house and kids as he will most likely owe you alimony and will definitely need to pay child support. Not sure where you are but being a cheater in some states royally screws the cheating party. If he can divorce you without that "on his record" he will be that much better off. He is relying on you just believing he wants a divorce and being able to hide the assets he has built with your family money, within his business with the other woman. Youre falling for it, left, right and centre here...... AND DEFENDING HIM. Jesus Christ.

 This takes planning and time. All of which fall right into place perfectly with pretending to be the "stand up husband" you have come to know and love and to believe he is. He isnt acting poorly or being an a**h*** because he doesnt want you to catch on before he is ready to actually leave you. Its the perfect scenario in his mind and youre playing to his hand perfectly 

[S2B]

I hope you work and earn and save your own money. 
make sure you can support yourself. If not, then start doing that. Help yourself gather a plan so you can make it work when he does leave.

[S2B]

What kind of work does he do that he can buy property with her? 
 

has he hidden money from you? How much access do you have to the money he earns? Is your name on assets you have accumulated through the ten year marriage?

[pepperbird2]

OP,

Some men (and women) think it's kinder ( and better for their ego)  to stay until they think the kids are grown enough, and then leave. They will secretly squirrel money away, make plans and preparations, and as soon as they can they are gone.

I don't want to be blunt, but you're a mother. You don't have the luxury of ignoring all of this. At least speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. This man is CLEARLY showing you he can't be trusted. Still don't beleive the posters here? Get your self ready for the worst possible scenario, and once you feel you are prepared for that and have the evidence you need so he can't wiggle his way out, sit him down and tell him you know what he's been up to.

[Prudence V]

On 7/3/2021 at 7:42 AM, husbandcheating said:

raising our family in it.

He sees it as a home for you to raise the kids in, yes. You’ve stated elsewhere how he is grateful to you for being the woman of the house. He doesn’t want you (and the kids) on the street when he moves back into his house (that is his, not his and yours) with his new partner. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:06 AM, torn_heart said:

I agree with this. 

Something is going to happen sooner or later, and right now, OP,  you are the one in anguish. You have the power to end it, it's gonna be a hard time, but it will be better to do it sooner rather than later.

 

Thank you @torn_heart I don't want to live in a "la la land" I really just want my marriage to work.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it seems you're writing a story in your head.

Yet, you mentioned he was in love with her, briefly broke up with her then you had an unplanned pregnancy, so he married you.

So it seems his love affair with her is nothing new. He just did the noble thing marrying you because of the preganacy.

He may not divorce you until she is ready (for whatever reason) or the kids are older or it is more financially opportune to do so.

@Wiseman2 the woman from before was someone he was dating before me, Amanda is someone new. My husband and I were together in 6th grade, we broke up before high school. High school we weren't seeing each other, we started dating again right after high school and I became pregnant. He wanted to get married.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:27 AM, Pumpernickel said:

Yours wouldn’t be the first marriage that ends after knowing your spouse for 20 years. I’m my opinion/experience, especially those who met and got together very young are prone to splitting once they’re in their 30s. They know they’re still young and attractive enough to attract new potential partners. In your case, this has already happened. It’s not unusual, either. 
 

So the argument that he wouldn’t throw it all away after 20 years is not valid, IMO. He’s already halfway out the door. He just hasn’t told you yet. Officially. 

@Pumpernickel Thank you for your perspective. I assume it is hard for me, very hard to see him being out the door when he is here at home with me. It is hard to see through that. He is still an active participant in our marriage. Very active. I have always known it to be true, affairs are for sex especially when your husband is still choosing to be at home and active in your marriage. He NEVER COMPLAINS. We may have disagreements ever so often about the kids but we are a good couple. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:54 AM, pepperbird2 said:

One more thing for the OP to keep in mind.
every time she sleeps with her husband, she's sleeping with his OW and anyone else she's seeing aside of him. Assuming she's only having sex with him and no one else is a dangerous way of thinking.

Then there's the chance that his ow will "accidentally" get pregnant. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

@pepperbird2 I have seen numerous text messages from them both stating they do not want any more children. They have talked about "how on the same page they are on".