My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Prudence V]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

From what I know affairs are for sex, spouses or husbands in particular do not leave their wives.

Some do. Not all affairs are about sex, or only about sex, or even about sex. Some affairs are platonic (so-called “emotional affairs”) and others were once about sex, but became about something else entirely (intimacy, love, affection, respect, etc). Some MM stay, some leave. If you’re counting on yours staying, because you believe in some myth that “they never leave”, you might find yourself ill-prepared one day. 

 

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My mom told me a long time ago

So she was also someone who believed in magical thinking? I’m guessing it worked for her, but don’t count on it working for you, too. You’ve got tons of evidence showing that your H is deeply invested in a R with another woman whom he loves and plans to be with. You can stick your fingers in your ears and ignore it, but you do so at your peril. You are a parent - should you not be looking out for your kids, by preparing yourself so that when your H drops the bomb about leaving you, their world doesn’t have to fall to pieces, too? 
 

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

And if they are still staying with the wife, they still love and want to be with the wife.

This is blatantly not true, as people have told you on this thread. Many spouses stick it out “until the kids are old enough”, and then they leave. Your H has told his brother that this is what he is doing. why do you not believe the evidence of your own eyes? 
 

 

[justbrowsing85]

OP,

I don't mean to sound victim bashing here.

What problem are you trying to solve?  15 pages in, you are trying to convince us, more importantly yourself, things are fine.  By your logic, your husband proclamation on FB of his love to you and the family, him being with you still and he attends family events and functions are the undenied truth that he is just in a fog and you can wait it out even though he has a true marriage that he doesn't proclaimed to the world on social media.

It is your life and it's your decision to continue this path with your head in the sand convincing yourself he will come around.  Tell yourself suck it up butter cup because it is worth it.

Or take stock of what he has shown you and wake up and prepare for the eventual outcome of him leaving you.  

 

Help comes to those who wants to be helped.  Good luck.

Edited for typo

Edited July 11, 2021 by justbrowsing85
Typo

[Allupinnit]

15 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am going to reply to everyone individually. Are you all familiar with the spouse taking pictures together during regular and holiday times? 
 

I have found out that my husband has taken numerous photos with her during a regular time as well as during holidays. I also found out that he has spent every day that we have deemed special with her throughout the course of the day.

This is really crushing to say and I am really hurt by it. Our anniversary, he was with her the whole day and I suppose “fitted me in” that night. On other days as well that are supposed to be our special days. 

Well you're the woman of the house, you gave him all sons, sheesh you're talking like we live in 14th century serfdom LOL.

So at least you get the night date and he sleeps with you at home.  

[Starswillshine]

Some random thoughts after catching up:

OP, I may be wrong, but you said this OW is someone he was involved with before you? If this is correct, it definitely challenges your stance about knowing him half your life, and years invested. 

I agree with lots of other posters here about his attention to you may be out of guilt. Or maybe out of respect (which is sort of laughable given what he is doing behind your back but who can understand the Cheater's mind). 

I definitely believe he loves you and respects you as the mother of his children. But you have stated that you do not have sex. Sounds like a lot of respect for the partnership you have created. 

What is most concerning to me... is the money situation with his OW. That he has invested money into a business behind your back. And he has in the past tried to get you out of the house, but now is playing the "let's buy a new house" game. I would be EXTREMELY scared that he is trying to slowly remove you from his life and HIDE money and funds from you. You are in a very vulnerable position having been a SAHM and not having direct control and view over the finances. When he stated he didn't want to leave you alone with the kids, I understood it to mena he was afraid to actually leave the kids with you. Not that he didn't want you to be a single mom. 

For you own good, you need to wake up and start playing some defense here. Before you end up shoved out rhe door and watching your family from the outside with no money. Protect yourself. 

[Starswillshine]

Also concerning to me is that you do not fear the man who can act like he is doing nothing wrong.... who can shower you with love, but turn around and be with someone else. That was the scariest thing about my husband. I realized he was a complete stranger to me, and while he never showed me anger or anything to fear before, I became scared for my own safety after the realization of deceit. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 12:21 AM, elaine567 said:

Yes because he is likely still going to raise his kids there, only he is not going to be there...
I don't understand why you are not suspicious of his motives. He already tried to pull this stunt, only you didn't agree the last time...
This time he is just a bit cleverer in his approach...  
He gets you out of his house, the kids are safely re-housed and he can then do as he pleases with his inheritance cash..
His own house becomes a liquefiable asset.

This man has had an OW for FOUR long years. he is NOT the man you think he is.
Blind trust is a wonderful thing, but you don't blindly trust people who have shown you they are not to be trusted... that is just foolish. 

@elaine567 I haven't been suspicious because what he said years ago was 

1. said in an argument (we have said numerous things in arguments, I have called him boring, complacent, selfish and while at the time he has been those things, its nothing to harp on, things are always said in arguments, if he really meant what he said years ago, my decision should have nothing to do with it)

 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 6:24 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You don't understand because you are choosing not to. Frankly, I believe I spelled out to you pretty plainly why you don't understand what is happening in your situation. (Many others have too but you are too enamored with your blissful ignorance.)

Fyi, the post where I quoted you pointing out how you are trapped in your thinking took over an hour to write. I read your whole thread and posted several more which took more hours. You just blazed right by all of it because it didn't fit the narrative you want to believe, which is based on lies you are telling yourself.

What exactly do you want from posters here? Are you wanting everybody to agree with your false narative?  What you fail to recognize, which so many others here are observing, are the tell-tale signs of what is truly happening in your marriage based on YOUR OWN WORDS. 

I have been posting here for about five years. In that time I have learned to recognize many patterns in relationships and people's behavior from reading their stories. I believe that is true for many long-time posters here--several of whom have replied on your thread. Yet, lo and behold, you continue to discount everyone's good advice. Why? If you are not going to take seriously the information people are so generously bestowing upon you, what are you here for?

If you want people to agree with you, tell you everything is 'pie-in-the-sky,' I can tell you from experience that's not what you'll get here. People here tell the truth as they see it from their own paradigms. When I first came here with my situation, I got my butt kicked a little. It's because I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It was painful to hear the truth sometimes that I wasn't makimg the best decisions. People here helped me and I'm way smarter now. I'm so quick to cut the crap in my real life. I see patterns quickly and easily in people's behavior. I can tell a person's motive within minutes. It saves me months, possibly years, of wasting my energy. 

You can learn a lot here, too, but you need to dump the attitude that anyone who doesn't agree with your narrative doesn't know what they are talking about. 

You are in denial. You are lying to yourself. People here can see it, but you treat them like they somehow lack the ability to understand the blissful existence you think you are in. You are the one who isn't getting it. Sorry that you probably don't want to hear that, and perhaps you will just blaze right by this post also...to your detriment. 

@HadMeOverABarrel I do apologize as I was not ignoring you, I just post when I can in order. 

I don't want anyone to agree with me for the sake of agreeing with me. 

I do feel that some things that I say, some users gloss over, but all I want is truths and opinions regardless. I do not think that people here do not know what they are talking about, I read each user's comment and try to access it and then I reply with what I see happening and love the feedback from this. 

I definitely do not think I am in a blissful existence, my husband is cheating on me and won't leave this woman alone not taking into account two decades of knowing each other and over a decade of marriage. Yes, I am in a state of "but he is still here loving me" because it has what I have been taught. Men aren't just going to stay just to stay. And if he was staying for the kids, date nights would not be existence neither would public outpouring of affection. He would be strictly here for just the kids.

That is where I am not understanding at all. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 6:36 AM, Daisydooks said:

Look up "future faking." Often, cheaters do this with their affair partners but hasn't moving you to a new house been his plan before? I would be quietlu meeting a lawyer, OP! Even if you want to ostrich your way through this, PLEASE see a lawyer. He has a business with someone else he has told you nothing about (ow or not this is bad marriage business and he is trying to hide assets from his wife - you.) Even if he went into business with a man he wasnt sleeping with, he is hiding money from you. There are BIG parts of your husband you do not know about. This will huge and Im shocked youre not opening your eyes to this. He has a full business running with this woman, yet you feel him posting on Facebook somehow matters more? I dont get it. I ask you to wake up because this man you think you know after 2 decades is about to royally f*** you if you dont wake up. Your entire world is about to blow up and youre here chatting about how he took you out for your birthday, took pictures for Facebook and future faked with you. 

He may even have a burner phone to communicate with her you know nothing about. 

You are either not wanting to see this for what it is (understandably,) or you're being purposely obtuse. Regardless, speak to a lawyer about lining your ducks up and how to protect yourself in the event we are right... because youre going to need a shark of a lawyer when this s*** hits the fan... and it wont be long now. You shouldn't be blindsided but you will be if you dont take the advise here  

 

@Daisydooks it wasn't his plan, he said that in argument. How many wives and husbands mention something like that in arguments but it never happens. I don't understand why a lot of users are putting an emphasis on something he said while arguing YEARS ago.

 

Thank you.

[lana-banana]

7 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Men aren't just going to stay just to stay. And if he was staying for the kids, date nights would not be existence neither would public outpouring of affection. He would be strictly here for just the kids.

Have you considered the date nights and "public outpourings of affection" are just the tax he pays for having an affair? Like, you seem fine with him cheating on you as long as he takes you to dinner sometimes and says nice things about you on Facebook. If he didn't do those things, would you still be fine with it?

Men are going to stay as long as it's easy, and you are making it very easy for him to participate in family life and hang out with his mistress on the side. Why should he leave until he's got everything ready?

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 7:20 AM, RebeccaR said:

He doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy so he does all the things a “good husband” is “supposed” to do, including the soppy social media stuff, which tbh always seems fake or exaggerated. But he told his brother in plain words that he’s  not in love with you. I don’t know why you ignore those words, which seem like the truthful ones.

 

@RebeccaRReading this made me remember something I read in his text messages to her something about him not wanting to be the "bad guy".

My husband mentioned he does love me as he has known me for a long time, etc

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 9:05 AM, S2B said:

I hope you work and earn and save your own money. 
make sure you can support yourself. If not, then start doing that. Help yourself gather a plan so you can make it work when he does leave.

@S2B Yes, I have always worked, but where we live, if we were to part ways, I cannot sustain in a sole household. The price of living is very high here. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/3/2021 at 10:20 AM, S2B said:

What kind of work does he do that he can buy property with her? 
 

has he hidden money from you? How much access do you have to the money he earns? Is your name on assets you have accumulated through the ten year marriage?

He is an HR Executive.

I don't know about hidden money. I have never dug into his personal finances. He handles all of the household bills, including my car note. I pay my insurance, phone bill and other misc things that are personally my own. His accounts are his accounts and my accounts are my accounts. We also file taxes separately and he lets me claim the kids because I make less than him.

Edited July 12, 2021 by husbandcheating

[husbandcheating]

On 7/4/2021 at 5:55 AM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

Some men (and women) think it's kinder ( and better for their ego)  to stay until they think the kids are grown enough, and then leave. They will secretly squirrel money away, make plans and preparations, and as soon as they can they are gone.

I don't want to be blunt, but you're a mother. You don't have the luxury of ignoring all of this. At least speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. This man is CLEARLY showing you he can't be trusted. Still don't beleive the posters here? Get your self ready for the worst possible scenario, and once you feel you are prepared for that and have the evidence you need so he can't wiggle his way out, sit him down and tell him you know what he's been up to.

@pepperbird2 Thank you.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

And if he was staying for the kids, date nights would not be existence neither would public outpouring of affection. He would be strictly here for just the kids.

Well he's got to do something for you since you're keeping his house and raising his kids.  Does he pay you a salary?

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 2:15 AM, Amethyst68 said:

Looking at at what you've posted about your marital history and also what you've shared of your husband's texts it seems to me it's clear it's not you he's staying for - it's the children. 

Your husband is extremely reluctant to have you as the sole parent in any scenario, in fact he tells his brother exactly that and when he suggested splitting up it was with him having custody.

That seeming reluctance could be the reason why he is there every night with his family, his children specifically. It also means he might just walk once they get older. 

On another note how many years are you going to let him have his MLC affair?

@Amethyst68 Thank you. I know I have repeated this often but I don't understand the "staying for the children". I know plenty of couples who stay for the children, there is no affection, there is no date nights, there is no togetherness, there is no public displays and outpouring of "marital bliss", they strictly are there for the children only. They lead separate lives and come together for the children (family events, school events, etc).

We have all boys, so of course as a man he wants his sons near, I do understand that, our kids and him have been attached by the hip since we have had them, sometimes I think of them as best friends vs. father/sons

I do not want to "let him" have anything. I want him to finally relinquish this nobody Amanda.

[Prudence V]

17 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

How many wives and husbands mention something like that in arguments but it never happens.

I’m a researcher. I’m trained to look for evidence, and draw conclusions from evidence. 
 

A single isolated incident isn’t convincing *on its own*. But when you have a whole pile of evidence, all pointing the same way, and a smaller handful of evidence suggesting something else *but that has another plausible explanation, which concurs with the large body of evidence*, then the conclusions you draw and the predictions you make are guided by that evidence. And, time proves you right or wrong. 
 

You claim that this particular thing was said “in an argument”. Perhaps so. And if it was said flippantly and later regretted, and all other evidence since had suggested it was completely out of line, we’d also be tempted to shrug it off as you do. But when you have a pattern, you look deeper. He said that. He also told his brother he doesn’t trust you to raise the kids on your own. He also told his brother he loves his GF and wants to be with her, and there is all the evidence of his messages to his GF, his business with her, buying property, etc… and wanting to move you out into your own house rather than put you on the title deed of *his* house. 
 

That is why:

24 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

a lot of users are putting an emphasis on something he said while arguing YEARS ago.

We see the pattern, consistent over YEARS (your emphasis). You’re choosing to see each incident as isolated, and to dismiss it, because he keeps you happy with a date night here and there and some SM posts. 

[Prudence V]

28 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

And if he was staying for the kids, date nights would not be existence neither would public outpouring of affection.

He’s learned that that’s what keeps you thinking it’s all fine, keeps you off his case. Cheap at the price, and he gets to invest his love and affection, not to mention his assets, with the woman he loves (his GF).

[Prudence V]

20 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband mentioned he does love me as he has known me for a long time, etc

Are you assuming by this that couples who have known each other “for a long time, etc” never split? 

[Prudence V]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I want him to finally relinquish this nobody Amanda.

So what are you doing about it, other than turning a blind eye and wishing it away? 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 6:59 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I believe most posters here, myself included, have taken this into account.  In fact, several have responded to exactly that. 

What you appear to struggle with on that note is accepting that it's possibly (probably) a ruse, and your husband has proven his deceptive ability with you, which is already established since he's been carrying on an affair behind your back.

@HadMeOverABarrelThat would be a lot just to be a ruse. We have talked about renewing our vows, etc. 

[vla1120]

On 7/11/2021 at 12:09 AM, husbandcheating said:

I also have been under the assumption that when people stay together for the children, it is strictly for the children, there are no proclamations of love, there is no time between the marital unit (i.e. date nights, affection of any kind), everything is solely based around the children. 

I stayed "for the children." There were proclamations of love, there were date nights and vacations with just the two of us. When I decided to leave, he begged me to stay and did not want to divorce. You have no idea whether he's staying for the children because you have not yet disclosed to him that you are aware of the affair. Until you put it all out in the open, you will continue to guess as to what his plans are because he's not going to come clean to you until he has everything in place (like buying the new home for you - you may be convinced it's supposed to be a "family" home, but I'll wager it's a home for YOU - step one in his plan to make his life permanent with his OW.)

Sadly, until you confront him with your knowledge, all of this is pure conjecture. You have NO idea what his thoughts are, what his plans are, and/or when he will execute his exit strategy. What you DO know, now, is that every special day when you thought he was being the good, attentive husband to YOU, he was also spending time with HER. How long are you going to let this continue without asking the ONLY person who can tell you what's really happening, here? It must be taking a toll on your mental state.

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I know plenty of couples who stay for the children, there is no affection, there is no date nights, there is no togetherness, there is no public displays and outpouring of "marital bliss", they strictly are there for the children only. They lead separate lives and come together for the children (family events, school events, etc).

Yes but there is probably no 3rd party in their marriage.  They just have boring marriages that focus on the kids.  Like millions of married couples.

[Crazelnut]

He is play acting with you. He's doing it to keep you happy and quiet so he can run his private business and spend YOUR special days with the woman he REALLY loves. In short, he is lying to you. Can you see that? He is lying about where he goes. He is lying about being faithful. He is lying about loving you. He is lying about everything -- except loving this other woman and loving his kids. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Irock]

Wow .. that hurts. the total act of being blindsided.. and then having him act like they're no one... And then the truth comes out.. I have experienced this.. in one of it's various forms... The day the crap hit the fan so to speak... He didnt call me to comfort or explain anything.. nope he called her... I called her number first.. asked who she was... She didn't have guys to even talk... Caller id I guess scared her into having one of her friends answer... After hearing that I was a slut..haha... I called my husband and let him know ...I knew.... I got the attitude.... All the cowardly bullshit... She got more apologys about having to explain who I was...cowards.... The thing I hate most.. he wasted my time.... I could have just moved on if he wanted to screw drunk women 20 years his senior.... But men are THAT selfish.... I'm sorry for what you have dealt with... I truly never would have believed it.. one of his friends told me... I felt stupid... Find a support system... Don't try to understand the why's and all that.... You will go crazy... There's no going back .. that moment changes everything.....

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I do apologize as I was not ignoring you, I just post when I can in order. 

Sorry, I've been a little grouchy in my real life the past few weeks and my patience is thinner than usual. 

(All work/demands and no play makes me a grouchy girl!)