My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I want him to finally relinquish this nobody Amanda

Nobody to you, my dear, but not to him. 

[Allupinnit]

You're wondering how he can act so duplicitous.  Have you read LShalcy's thread?  Her MM sounds a lot like your H as far as the public outpouring of affection on social media with his wife.  But as you can see he's hiding an insidious secret where he's meeting strange women online and filming it to wank off to later.  

The problem here is though he's invested in this OW in a way aside from raunchy sex.  She's not a "nobody" if he's investing money with her, spending your anniversary WITH HER, and his own family knows all about how he feels.  

Honestly I'm really surprised at how many women here dig in their heels come Dday, on both sides.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@Daisydooks it wasn't his plan, he said that in argument. How many wives and husbands mention something like that in arguments but it never happens. I don't understand why a lot of users are putting an emphasis on something he said while arguing YEARS ago.

 

Thank you.

Umm what kind of husband or wife says this s*** ever? No. This is not normal and not something most couples just threaten or say in anger. 

He is screwing someone else and having a full on affair, using family money (that you're entitled to) behind your back to sink into his business you (should) know nothing about and spending on his OW, TO THIS DAY. He isnt cheating YEARS ago. Lol. He is CHEATING NOW. I guarentee once he gets you into a new house, youll be served with divorce papers. But keep defending him. 🙄

I genuinely want for you not to be blindsided by this but you will be. Its sad. 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Daisydooks

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Yes, I have always worked, but where we live, if we were to part ways, I cannot sustain in a sole household. The price of living is very high here. 

^^^ this is the bottom line.

This is the source of the denial..
This is too difficult  to even contemplate or consider.
He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

[Prudence V]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

But his plans are to buy OP her own house (and pay the mortgage for the first two years, IIRC) *and* to have the kids with him (and, presumably, Amanda) so OP’s costs would only be her own living expenses (and the mortgage, after two years - but she could probably get a lodger in to help offset those?). 

[elaine567]

Just now, Prudence V said:

But his plans are to buy OP her own house (and pay the mortgage for the first two years, IIRC) *and* to have the kids with him (and, presumably, Amanda) so OP’s costs would only be her own living expenses (and the mortgage, after two years - but she could probably get a lodger in to help offset those?). 

There are lots of solutions, divorced women have always "managed",  but she likes the status quo, her husband and family and no financial responsibility, he takes care of most things.
Who really wants a lodger?
 

[Starswillshine]

FTR, it isnt uncommor for a cheating spouse to spend those special days with the AP. Because if the WS told the AP that he cannot spend time with her because it's his anniversary, that would blow up the narrative of "I dont love my wife". So he placates her so she does not get mad. 

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

FTR, it isnt uncommor for a cheating spouse to spend those special days with the AP. Because if the WS told the AP that he cannot spend time with her because it's his anniversary, that would blow up the narrative of "I dont love my wife". So he placates her so she does not get mad. 

More likely the anniversary just isn’t that meaningful to him. In this OPs case he did take OP to dinner so he didn’t ignore her entirely. Presumably he told OP he was working. Most people don’t take a whole day off work just for an anniversary.

Also, If a guy is deeply involved in an affair, does he feel extra guilty meeting his AP on his wedding anniversary? Maybe a few do, not all.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this is the bottom line.

There is indeed a tendency for practical matters to trump emotion in life. At least when we're thinking straight/attempting to.

There is ALSO the phenomenon of denial. And I suspect in many cases practical issues tend to help denial along. Just think how much cleaning up there is to do once a hoarder can finally see the mess clearly.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this is the bottom line.

This is the source of the denial..
This is too difficult  to even contemplate or consider.
He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

^^^Keen intellect and laser precision!

[S2B]

What do you usually argue with your H about?

and why doesn’t he trust you to raise the kids? Be specific about why he would think this.

[Prudence V]

On 7/13/2021 at 10:15 AM, elaine567 said:

Who really wants a lodger?

Better the devil you know, I suppose. And a lodger wouldn’t make her look good by posting stuff on FB about how she’s a great “woman of the house”. 

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I understand why you would want to cling to your marriage, but sometimes fear can become crippling. How much more of his disrespect are you going to take?

 

[husbandcheating]

Thank you all for responding, I will be continuously replying to all responses.

Yesterday I looked through our photos 5 years ago, I suppose before his affair started, we had many of videos with family, extended family, and he looks in love. Our photos, our pictures, love doesn't switch off like such, neither does commitment. We were never perfect, but we were our perfection, I don't think this was a ruse. At the same time I am trying to figure out what happened between 5 years ago and the decision to start having sex with Amanda. What 4 years ago made him decide to engage with sexual activity with someone outside of our marriage. And looking at his behavior now, he is still acting the same as he has 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 11 years ago, etc  he still acts as if he is solely in love with me. It is very difficult as I can't see the forest for the trees. His behavior has never changed throughout these years.  

I know the particulars, I read what I have read. I see what I have seen. And I know I have said this repeatedly, my husband, this man, still kisses me, hugs me, makes sure I am included in all family matters, compliments me.

My head is all over the place this evening....

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:13 AM, LynneVicious said:

Op,

you keep repeating that your husband chooses you because he is next to you, sleeping with you, eating dinner with you, going on vacation with you etc. and you reiterate that he is just using her for sex...

For 4 years?! You don’t seem to grasp the concept that your husband is your typical cheater. He is perfectly happy having two women to fulfill his needs. A wife at home for stability, companionship and mother of his children and the ow for passion, sex and yes, probably love.  
 

You also don’t seem to grasp the fact that he’s not going to change this situation. He’s going to continue to lie to you, eat dinner with you, play with your kids, then walk out the door to be in the arms with another woman. For another4 years. Maybe 14 years. Maybe even 40. 
 

He’s going to continue to cake eat, because there is NO REASON for him to stop. you are literally SHARING your husband with another woman. And your willful ignorance is truly mind boggling. You have even seen texts from him with your own eyes stating that he’s trying to keep you happy while he works on things. Your cousin or best friend (I don’t remember which) told you he is only with you for the children.  Yet he posts pics of you on social media, so everything according to you is wonderful and that proves his love. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

You won’t even talk to him about this. It’s extraordinary. 

@LynneVicious I honestly am not ready to have this conversation with him. I have hopes that he will leave her alone. I have hopes that she will leave him alone. There is so much hope that our marriage is the most important thing to him as it is to me. Outside of this Amanda, all of his actions says he is committed to our family. I do know that Amanda is real, I do understand this. 

" He’s going to continue to lie to you, eat dinner with you, play with your kids, then walk out the door to be in the arms with another woman" -This may sound a little absurd but my first initial reaction when reading this is "Amanda is getting the short end of the stick, she isn't getting the dinners, playing with the kids, or family life, she doesn't get to sleep with him every night, I would hate to be her"

"Your cousin or best friend (I don’t remember which) told you he is only with you for the children.  Yet he posts pics of you on social media, so everything according to you is wonderful and that proves his love."

Yes that was mentioned being only with me for the kids, but I do believe that can only last too long, we are years deep in. Yes he does post photos, and words of affirmation on social media, yes we do all the things married people do and again my initial reaction is "Amanda is getting the short end of the stick so why hasn't she left yet!"

 

 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:20 AM, lana-banana said:

Ma'am. You did not "date" or "break up" with anyone at age 12-13. 

@lana-banana I understand what you are saying but this does not take away the amount of time we have known each other.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:22 AM, Allupinnit said:

Yeah I mean it seems she's ok with the gf as long as it's just sex between them.  She wouldn't be the first wife to turn a blind eye to a cheating husband.

@Allupinnit I am not ok with her. I just want him to end this physical bs with her.

[S2B]

You can’t undo what he did. It’s who he is at his core. He ruined EVERYTHING!

he took a risk because he WANTED to. That is all. 
 

stop thinking there’s a bigger answer - there’s not! He did it because he could - because he wanted to. Because he wasn’t considering you or the kids at all. He’s selfish and self centered - he disrespected you and now the trust is completely shattered. he can’t be trusted so really there is no foundation to this marriage.

 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 9:49 AM, vla1120 said:

This is not true. The reason I stayed with my husband for 18 years after I found out he was cheating with my neighbor/best friend was very simply because neither of us wanted "shared time" with our children. We both insisted that we be full time parents to our girls. Because of this, we both refused to leave. The difference between my situation and yours is - number one, I confronted my husband the MOMENT I learned he was cheating. There was no way I was going to turn a blind eye to that type of betrayal (and my husband was also "business as usual" and was still attentive, affectionate and romantic.) Number two, as soon as he was caught, he stopped cheating (at least with her) and wanted to go to therapy to save our marriage. 

Until you confront him on his cheating, you will not know his intentions. Also, as long as I have been on these boards (almost eight years, now), I have not seen one scenario where the MM starts a side business with the OW. Sure, they lie to the OW and promise they're working on leaving their wives to be with the OW, but for them to be creating a "nest egg" together and co-owning a business together is a bit more serious than you seem to want to believe.

Turning a blind eye to this is to your detriment. You REALLY need to talk to a lawyer and protect your interests sooner rather than later. Then, you need to confront him. THAT is when you will find out exactly what his intentions are with this woman. I really believe, based on what you have described, that he has no intention of being a part-time father to his children. Therefore, you better prepare yourself for the possibility that, when DDay does arrive, he will go for full custody of your kids. 

Of course, you could just maintain the status quo and wait until he blindsides you with divorce papers (whether it be in one year, or 10 years.)

@vla1120 I understand that you stayed for your girls but I am sure you acted as if you were just there for the girls. Right?

I do want to confront him about Amanda, but I am not ready for this as of yet. 

I have read more messages and they do talk about money, business a great ton. Also in this, I do not believe his name is on anything legally as she or they made sure of this. I saw a text saying "well we can add you to the LLC at a later date" But I have seen many of text as I searched for key words. They talk about their finances a load. He has also talked to her about numerous life things which is also confusing me as why would he let her in like that as if he trust her. Mind boggling.

I am not trying to turn a blind eye, I really just want him to wake up for our family and our marriage.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 11:21 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you seem to be talking about him leaving and why he won't. You're ignoring that he's having an affair. So is the affair ok as long as he doesn't divorce you?

@Wiseman2 This affair is not ok.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 11:26 AM, mark clemson said:

 Why the rush to shoo her off the board?

If OP chooses to be in a look-the-other-way marriage (not that that's something I'd recommend) and wants to post about it, isn't that her prerogative? Just because she won't or can't take specific suggestions some here have made doesn't mean she shouldn't be posting.

This is exactly the right spot on the forum for her thread. Also things may evolve and she may want/need additional feedback (or perhaps become more amenable to some of the suggestions being made).

Seems to me that the appropriate thing for those who don't like an OP's responses/actions is to bow out of the thread, rather than trying to tell them THEY should leave.

Thank you @mark clemson

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 12:05 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

sunk cost fallacy'

@HadMeOverABarrelinvesting in something that no longer has a purpose

[husbandcheating]

It is so many in this thread that are in this thread 

telling this woman who is having an affair that the husband doesn't love her and he wants to be with his wife thats why he is still there. 

In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I am confused. 

Does your husband know that you know?

Don't worry about other people's threads, worry about how much you really know about your husband's affair.

Edited July 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

It has now been four years and counting,
You want her to leave him alone.
What if she doesn't?
How long are you prepared to wait, five, six, seven years... or longer?