My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 8:40 AM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, and you consider this to be a sign of his commitment to you as his primary partner. 
In truth, he is perhaps trying to assuage his guilt. He is most definitely trying to distract you and keep you happy lest you discover the affair and disrupt his plans. And you, are quite happily obliging. You are definitely buying what he is selling…

Yes I do consider the acts that he does, a commitment to me as his wife. I don't make him tell me he loves you, etc, everything that my husband does is on his own merit. No one Is making him do these actions.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:25 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I will probably come back to this and comment more when I can, but here are a couple things that jumped out to me as I read it.

Your mom may have inadvertently done you a disservice with that remark, especially by not qualifying it. A person's motives for staying in a marriage are not that black/white. Sometimes it comes down to timing, opportunity, conditions, other factors. 

To say a person is 100% committed to something just because they appear so is not the whole picture. In your case, you related what he said in confidence to his brother. I presume he has a close enough relationship with his brother to share his private thoughts, thoughts that he is not sharing with you. The fact that he is saying these things to brother is an indication of his true intent (unless you can think of some other reason he would intend to deceive his brother with what he said? Probably not.). The fact he's saying this to brother but not you shows his intent to deceive. Plus he's carried on a years long affair behind your back which shows he is good at deception. That's your main problem. He is good at deceiving you. As such, can you really rely on all these little gestures as evidence when he is a practiced deceiver? Isn't it in his best interest to play happy family for you? If he were setting things up to pull the rug out from under you, would he want you to know it in advance? Of course not!  The best way to keep you from knowing is to show you the opposite. To simplify--here's an analogy: a lot of magic is slight of hand. The magician distracts his audience, getting their attention to go one direction, while he completes the illusion in another. That makes the illusion (deception) easier to pull off undetected. Your husband is the magician in my analogy.

Can you imagine if the magician told the audience beforehand, "I'm going to make this ball disappear from my right hand while you look my left hand, so don't look at my right hand, ok? Ready? Don't look where I said not to look!" Then, where would you look? Exactly where the magician told you not to because you'd know that's the secret of the illusion. But! by distracting your attention without telling you what's actually happening...poof! Magic!  Your husband knows he can keep you deceived by distracting you with happy family.

The big difference between your story and the stories on OW/OM forum is your husband actually confided in another person in confidence his true intentions. That rarely happens in the OW/OM forum. Also, people here are picking up on things you've stated about your husband which you are dismissing. You are dismissing them because they are too painful for you to acknowledge. We can see them easily because we are not in the situation as you are.

I think your effort on readimg others' threads is great! Keep doing that. You will learn a lot!

@HadMeOverABarrel "A person's motives for staying in a marriage are not that black/white. Sometimes it comes down to timing, opportunity, conditions, other factors." I feel that the only motives is loving your spouse and wanting to continuous build on what you have already built. 

Yes he is very close to his brother, but he also said he wasn't leaving me.

"Isn't it in his best interest to play happy family for you? If he were setting things up to pull the rug out from under you, would he want you to know it in advance? Of course not! " I am going to take me out of the equation really quickly, my husband would never allow for our boys to be raised in two separate households. They rely on us both. My husband relies on me. We are a true team!

Thank you for the analogy. 

Yes I am reading a lot of threads, and again the majority of things I see is everyone telling other women to drop the married man, some have been with them for years. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:38 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Not sure where the original quote is.

@husbandcheating. Anyhow, fwiw, I felt that my involvement with xMM was making his marriage tolerable, too. I felt that he would take all the excitement and sexual energy he generated with me back to his wife. I started feeling like I was doing her work for her in their relationship. Like she could do less, I'd charge him up, and he'd go take that charge back to her. I was the one left depleted. It's one of the things that helped me get out and stay away. 

If I may ask @HadMeOverABarrel , how long were you with your xMM? 

I would not want to be Amanda, so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Alright, so it appears you've decided you are going to stick this out until the end, whatever that end may look like. 

As such, what sort of help would you like to receive here now?

[husbandcheating]

My husband is currently sleeping and our oldest son, just came into our room to give me his dad's phone which he left in the garage. I am tempted to look into it. But I know that is useless. I am hoping to find good news.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

If I may ask @HadMeOverABarrel , how long were you with your xMM? 

I would not want to be Amanda, so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

😄 battery charger - made me chuckle!

I honestly believe your husband wants a future with Amanda so I'm hard pressed to say she's a battery charger. 

My xMM and I were heavy into it for the first year until I suddenly ghosted him with no contact. I ghosted because I knew I didn't have the strength to do it any other way. 

A few months later I had to meet an attorney at his law firm. While there, I asked him to talk with me about the way things ended. He stepped away from his desk AHS we talked about it for two hours. I could tell my abrupt departure had upset him. So we carried on communicating for a few months but he was...different. I think he was holding onto bitterness for how I ghosted him previously.

That time came to an end when I could feel the enormous amount of tension that had built up my body from dealing with him. I had words and we cut contact for a few months. 

Several months later my brother got into trouble and I needed legal advice fast, within 2 hours. It was xMM's area of specialty and I believed he would help me. He did. Things between us for the next 8 months were lovely until he disappeared mid-conversation for no reason apparent to me. 

After that, I was so hurt that he vanished I decided I was done for good. But then life had other plans. 10 months later I hired an attorney for a matter from the law firm he worked at (I was a long-time client of the firm). It's a very large law firm. She had an accident the 2 days before my hearing and the law firm reassigned my case to him. It was a total coincidence. 

We carried on for a couple months after that, but when he began to blow hot-n-cold, I distanced myself. After a view months, I asked him Why couldn't he just be a normal friend with me instead of hot/cold. After a couple more months of hot/cold, I told him off royally. I told him he was exhausting and I'm completely done. I told him all the negative things I felt about him. I told him a very negative description of how I'd always remember him. 

He would've carried on with our charades forever if I let him. At the same time, he did tell me in different ways a few times that he wouldn't leave his marriage. 

It's really a different scenario than your husband has with Amanda. 

[elaine567]

Seems like a lot of "my husband would never..." but does it include my husband would never take a mistress and sneak around with her for 4 years...?
Do you consider this as a sign of commitment to you and your marriage?
Be a bit more careful with your assumptions .
.   
As for going with you to your sister's for 10 days, he is going because he can't get out of it, without raising concerns, can he?
He will no doubt be in touch with her the whole time...

 

 

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

"Most of the actions you present as "evidence" of his commitment to you are in fact examples of his commitment to his children (like the water park)." do you think his romantic gestures are for the commitment of the children too? For mothers day he planned a photo shoot with our whole family and then "engagement photos" for us which were very romantic. That doesn't scream children to me, that screams commitment to me as his wife and our marriage. Can I have your opinion on this?

I've given you my opinion, as has just about everyone else in this thread.  Your husband is building a life with Amanda.  Perhaps he will wait until your boys are grown, but it's clear that he is serious about the relationship with her.  I think he knows you very well and recognizes that you are easily appeased with things like Facebook posts, flowery cards, "engagement" photos, and the like. He shares this "for show" life with you.  But to whom does he reveal his hopes and dreams and disappointments?  When was the last time you actually had a prolonged, intimate discussion with him?  Not about the children or the house, but about your inner selves?

Look, it's possible you will out-wait Amanda.  She may decide she's waited long enough at some point, especially if your husband won't leave before your youngest child is 18.  But even if that happens, you will have a deeply unhappy man on your hands. He will see you as the reason she left and will resent you.  Her presence in his life is what allows him to stay with you and pretend to be the model husband. If she leaves either he will bite the bullet and leave, too, or he will find a replacement.  To think that this is simply a 4-year "fluke" is a child's thinking. 

Have you considered counseling to help you make sense of the situation, and especially why you are so committed to denying the facts that are staring you in the face?  I think you might benefit from the help of a counselor who can help you face the reality you are so intent on denying.  Don't you want to be with a man who actually loves you, not one who is biding his time until the next time he can be with his mistress?  A good counselor can help you make sense of this situation and develop a path forward.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband is currently sleeping and our oldest son, just came into our room to give me his dad's phone which he left in the garage.I am hoping to find good news.

What would "good news" constitute to you?

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would hate to be her, in some sense, I actually feel bad for her that she is being used for sexual pleasure. The reason why I keep saying it is for sexual pleasure is because of the above, she doesn't do any of the activities that we do as a family unit or a marital unit. There is no possible way he could love someone like that whom he doesn't have much with.

I think you are underestimating the extent to which men bond through sex. Or, more accurately, that men need sex in order to feel bonded.

Quote

Everyone says buying a house for "me" but it is for "us". We are constantly looking at listings and discussing what we want, etc. The home is for US. He has never said the home was for me only. The argument years ago he offered to pay my mortgage for two years if I were to get a home for myself while the children stay with him.

No he will never be a part time parent. He would never. Our boys have been everything to him. Our three extensions of him is something he would never ever give up. He also wouldn't break up our parental unit.

He is willing to break up your parental unit as long as he retains custody of the children.  That's what is significant about the offer he made previously.  This is not the sort of thing that is said in the heat of the moment during an argument.  It is something he thought through and presented in the hopes you would accept.  I am in the camp with those who believe he is buying a new house so you will have a place to live when he leaves.

Quote

From the moment he moved me in with him 7 months into our pregnancy.

So if I understand the timeline correctly, he was dating someone else when he got you pregnant (cheating on her, essentially), then got back together with her and then finally made the decision to have you live with him when you were 7 months along in your pregnancy? 

[kxpxsc3]

Former OW here.  Just wanted to give some of my perspective.  I feel a similarity between you and my xMM's now ex wife because she also knew I was around but turned a blind eye to keep the family unit together.   My xMM also would go on the occasional vacation with his family and I actually confronted him after I found an email to his wife (now ex-wife) signed Love You.  You know what he told me?  It was something along the lines of... "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay."   Makes me cringe to this day.  

Eventually I was sick of the situation so I walked away from him.  I concluded that he was a cake eater who wanted both women, and I never asked him or expect him to leave.  I was just so miserable not being able to have 'my man' that I went full blown no contact (NC).

One month later, he called me to say he can't live without me and that he's leaving.  I was SHOCKED ... I waited 3 years for him to make SOME kind of move, made peace with the fact that he would never leave, and all it took was walking away + 1 month of NC???

Our relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I did a LOT of reading about men and relationships in the aftermath of him leaving his wife.  I honestly believe that because I put my foot down and finally refused to be part of the dysfunction, that he left.  I say this loosely because I was, after all, the other woman, but I believe walking away increased my value in his eyes, and in turn motivated him to chose.  And I often times wondered if he had had any consequences from his wife, such as being thrown out, served divorce papers, or having the affair exposed to family/friends - if things would have been different for them.  But she never gave him a single consequence, was willing to tolerate it and work things out no matter what... even after he left and we started our "real" relationship,  there was a good 1.5 years of her begging, screaming, and guilting him about the kids into coming back.  Which he never did and he told me that her doing that is having the opposite effect (making him not want to return).

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

Edited July 16, 2021 by kxpxsc3

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I do not want him to have Amanda. I want him to let this woman be.

OK, I clearly phrased that badly. I didn’t mean, what colour is your favourite unicorn, I meant what outcome that is actually within your means to achieve, are you hoping for, here? Please set aside the magical thinking for a while. I’d love global warming to be reversed and world peace and universal justice to manifest, but all my wishing won’t make that happen - just as all your wishing won’t make Amanda disappear. The only two people who can effect that are Amanda, and “your” H (Amanda’s BF). There are things you can do, futures you can choose, that are within your sphere of influence - but that isn’t one of them. 
 

So let me ask again - of the actually possible futures (you accepting Amanda in your life, long-term / you giving him an ultimatum and being prepared for him to choose her / you making the decision to cut your losses and leave…), what are you working toward, here? 

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would not want to be Amanda

I’m guessing that, if she were posting here, she’d be saying the same thing about you. 
 

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

she is his battery charger for our marriage

Someone else mentioned it upthread, but have you given any serious consideration to the possibility of this being a “split-self” affair? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, kxpxsc3 said:

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

It's not that you're wrong, but it may be more about the emotional connection to the OW rather than "respect" for not tolerating crap. Losing her or the prospect of it causes distress (for SOME) if they are "emotionally bonded". I mean, sure there is a certain amount of respect there, but I'm not sure that's what drives "action".

I think AP's generally are what you could call dopamine (the brain chemical) chasers, and a breakup causes a big drop in dopamine. So they become "needy" for the other person to a certain extent, particularly if they are GENUINELY unhappy at home. The other part is that the affair may be acting like something of a band-aid IF they are truly unhappy, so losing it helps them "confront" the reality of their home life without it. So then (sometimes) they choose to leave.

I'm not sure about your thesis about Amanda. You COULD be right, but putting her foot down might also be what prompts him to pull the plug and finally leave. Toss up that could go either way IMO. He HAS a safe landing with the OW apparently...

Edited July 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

Of course not. She is a drain on you/your family. He takes his energy to her.

You cook, clean, watch the kids, shop, do his laundry, feed him well and all that menial drudgery so he can be alive and up for her.

That's why he calls you 'woman of the house'. 

[kxpxsc3]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure about your thesis about Amanda. You COULD be right, but putting her foot down might also be what prompts him to pull the plug and finally leave. Toss up that could go either way IMO. He HAS a safe landing with the OW apparently...

To that I say - then he was 100% going to do it anyways, it was just a matter of time, and nothing HusbandCheating could do about it.  Anyway I think most would prefer to know sooner rather than later where they stand, but it doesn't sound like HusbandCheating is ready for what may or may not come out of that. 

But I think if she wants her husband to "give up" Amanda and refocus on the marriage/home life, the only chance of that, however slim it might be, is if he's face to face with what he has to lose (marriage, children, reputation, friendships, etc), it's one thing to know what he have to lose, it's another thing for him to see and experience it.  But yes it's a 50/50 toss up, so a gamble that HusbandCheating would have to be willing to take  - but doesn't sound like she is, so the only alternative is to let more time pass doing nothing and see if he leaves her or not, continues the affair or not.  No way to live if you ask me, but it is her prerogative and most certainly a path she can continue on and see how things develop by themself.

Edited July 16, 2021 by kxpxsc3

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, kxpxsc3 said:

but yes it's a 50/50 toss up, so a gamble that HusbandCheating would have to be willing to take  - but doesn't sound like she is, so the only alternative is to let more time pass doing nothing and see if he leaves her or not, continues the affair or not. 

Agree. 🙂

[Allupinnit]

So your plan of action is to keep up the facade with him to everyone until you hope he eventually gets tired of her?

Does it not bother you at all that you have this huge gaping hole and secret in your marriage that you cannot talk about with the your life partner?  That he is giving things meant just for you, his body, his time, his affection - to someone else?  I don't think you'll ever be enough for him alone.  

He's got the "perfect" family life that you love to brag about on here, and his sexy vixen on the side he can have intellectual conversations with while you're busy washing his underwear and shuttling his boys around.  He most likely thinks that's all you're good for, propping up the fake life with him and keeping your mouth shut.  The "woman of the house" - I'm sorry but that is the unsexiest thing EVER.

Guess what?  It's a house of cards.  Social media is a lie.  You are living a LIE.  It is only a matter of time before the sh*t hits the fan and this "great all-around family man with the perfect kids and friends" has his mask slip.  His family obviously knows and is keeping up the lie on their end too!  How can you live this way?!!  

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

So your plan of action is to keep up the facade with him to everyone until you hope he eventually gets tired of her?

“If all of the raindrops were jellybeans and gum drops, oh what a world it would be…”

The fact that you say OP you hope he eventually tires of his affair partner and recommits fo you and your marriage is about as realistic as this children’s song. Wishful thinking… Even if she does walk away, you are still left with a man who has lied to you, betrayed you, and stays with you out of obligation more than anything else. That’s not a “win” in my book. 

Edited July 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

16 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am hoping to find good news

As a former OW who got “chosen“ let me tell you the following: they do leave if they want to. Yes, he kept appearances up for several reasons, eg in order to protect property & the children who were teenagers at that time, so therefore he never told anybody about us, let alone his brother. That never happened. It did make me suspicious, but he divorced her eventually, against her will. The fact that your WS told a family member about Amanda speaks volumes in my opinion. That’s all I ever wanted as an ow back in the days - that he would share his predicament with s/o who was close to him. But he didn’t. He planned and processed things his own way - and then he left her. That’s just my personal cautionary tale for you, & this is why all the things he does with you and your family don’t mean much in my opinion. 

 

My xMM did the same, vacations and such, family barbecues, Valentine’s dinners, birthdays, family get-togethers, weddings, and it annoyed the hell out of me on occasion, but he reassured me over and over again that these things meant nothing in the great scheme of things. He divorced her anyways. She knew about me, too, and would have put up with the A. Maybe indefinitely. Even that didn’t stop him. 

[LostinLove2]

5 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

As a former OW who got “chosen“ let me tell you the following: they do leave if they want to. 

How long were you the OW before he finally chose you? Did he promise you he would divorce eventually? Are you still together and happy now? I have so many questions 

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

How long were you the OW before he finally chose you? Did he promise you he would divorce eventually? Are you still together and happy now? I have so many questions 

I don’t want to use this thread to tell my own story, just trying to help. Quick summary - I never insisted in getting into a “legit” relationship with him. I was quite happy with how things were. But “lovebombing galore” eventually convinced me. It didn’t last (for many reasons), but we had a relationship and even a shared household (yikes) after they divorced, with families/extended families involved, his kids included, so a normal relationship, yes. Out in the open - Lasted a few years, too. They’re still divorced and never got back I together. Both have new partners. 

[husbandcheating]

I am still responding to everyone, but I just wanted to update everyone on what I saw. Yes the night our son came in with his phone, I logged off to look at it extensively. I did not go to sleep at all that night looking through hundreds of text messages between them. I am in a world of hurt, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters. I did a lot of key word searches in the texts and it showed me things specifically. Some things I would like to share:

1. He has told her he loved her numerous times and her as well (I don't think too much into that because you can tell anyone you love them especially if you are trying to get something from them, for example, sex)

2. He has told her these things specifically: 

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-as long as his children was happy, his happiness didn't matter anymore and he has been committed to that decision (I think this is utter bullshit as we have had so many happy moments during these years and my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

-he was ok staying because he didn't want to start over and that he has known for a very long time and again as long as the kids are happy-"didn't want to start over"? I don't even know what to say to this

-His Family, friends, and how I have "clung to them" and that he has never wanted to take that away from me- this is such a bunch of bullshit, of course I have attached myself to them, we have been together and then married, I have a small group of friends but yes mostly his friends I consider my friends.

-"I do love her family and get along with them more than I do her"- I don't understand the point of even saying this, I guess this was to add more fluff

-"I do love her of course but not in love"- THIS IS SUCH A COMMON THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY-we know that this is lies as my best friend said

-"She really doesn't love me, she is in love with the time we have under our belts, the idea of it all, she has complained about who I am as a person and we really do not connect as such, I do consider her a friend, we can laugh, joke, talk but its not what I've read about" "If she were to really look things, she would know she doesn't love me in that way either"- How can you even say this to anyone? I do love him!

-"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work." -Yes, we were raised different, what is the point of sharing it with her? That is none of her God forsaken business. 

-She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter" -I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

 

There is more but I am getting so angry typing this out. What do you all think about these specifics.

Edited July 18, 2021 by husbandcheating

[elaine567]

 

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters.

Your best friend is IMO SO wrong. in her assessment of the situation, I guess she is trying to make you feel better.
He is spending 10 days with you at your sister's,  as he can't justify not going, not because  Amanda means so little to him....

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

-I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

Why not?  She has been his mistress, lover, confidante and friend for 4 years. 
This is the trouble with infidelity, it is not often just about sex, it is about emotional connection with a third party, and is very often a huge betrayal of the original primary unit.
Your life with him and his feelings about you and his married life, he is discussing in detail with Amanda.
He does not discuss her with you, so they are now essentially "the couple" and you are now the outsider, unfortunately.

All the things you value as being signs he loves you madly passionately deeply have been exposed as likely false, in these texts to Amanda, 
Maybe now you will see the true instability of the situation you find yourself in.
 

Edited July 18, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[assertives]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

Sounds exactly like what everyone have been saying on here. You may not have intended for it to be fake but to him, he's faking it and putting on a false front for everyone else. It's fake for him. And it's true that this happy family is a façade as obviously not everything is sunshine and rainbows in your family because obviously he's cheating.