My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Daisydooks]

On 7/6/2021 at 4:37 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Allupinnit That did break my heart. But I also concluded that he is lying to her. I do think this is a mid life crisis and he get over it as its just sex. I know he is cheating and has been for years but I do think its just sex because he is still here. Currently right now, laying in the bed next to me. He is at our home. OUR home and he always comes home to me, our marriage. We have had lots of good times in the last 4 years which is what I don't understand and is confusing me because he is still here.

He is setting up his nest egg beautifully. That is why he is still "here."  

[Daisydooks]

Everything with the LLC is in her name because no lawyer of yours can tie him to family money when the divorce happens. Of course his name isnt on a damn thing yet. Any half decent lawyer would have your half allotted to you that way. If its all in her name, youre entitled to nothing. Win win for he and Amanda when they get to begin their new lives together. His name will be added "at a later date" as in, when the ink dries on the divorce papers and all of legalities of your divorce are final. 

Dear God, wake up, OP. 

Lawyer up, NOW.  Yesterday even.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/7/2021 at 2:59 AM, SolG said:

 

 

 

Okay OP, I can see you're having a hard time understanding what a lot of posters here are putting down, and that you have a deep seated belief that physical presence is prima facie evidence of your WH's undying love and devotion to you. I'll offer an analogy that may help you understand the prevailing view that this might not be the case. 

In the corporate world there is a phenomenon called 'presenteeism'. What this is, is where an employee turns up physically for work... but they're not really there. So they're there in person, but not really fully mentally and/or emotionally engaged. Generally it results in the minimum effort required not to get fired. No extra effort, no challenging themselves, no stepping outside of their comfort zone... Just cruising along on autodrive doing what needs to be done, and no more.

Usually it's because they perceive they need to keep the job for some reason, not because they love it. Indeed generally they far from love it! The reasons are manifold. They need the money and have no options, they feel duty bound to stay, it's what they're used to and they're afraid of change, while they're disatisfied with the work they're comfortable with the benefits, etc.

Extrapolate that into relationship territory and you have the partner/spouse who is physically present, but otherwise just going through the motions. Not because they love their SO, but because they're for some reason not willing to rock the boat and are content to maintain the status quo.

This could well be your WH. Present but not engaged. Doing what he knows he needs to do to keep the family unit together, of which you are an integral part. Bit of social media, odd trip away and some alone time, some perfunctory hugs and kisses. No date nights required, no sex required, no really deep and/or meaningful engagement or vulnerability required. No conflict or pushing outside of the relationship comfort zone required... Just the minimum effort required to maintain an even keel. This is not loving, it is ticking the  required boxes.

And if this is the case.. you, by being oh so accommodating are enabling his path of least resistance. All he has to do is be there physically and you're 'happy'. With that box ticked, he's then free to engage in other pursuits that satisfy his other needs - enter the OW. Maybe he's Mr Reliable and Regular with you--and that's all you seem to require--and moonlighting with the OW as Mr Sowing His Oats and engaging in other more daring pastimes?

Ding, ding, ding! Here appears to potentially be the nub of it OP! He values you. He values the family unit. It is important to him. He will do what he needs to in order to maintain it. That includes exhibiting the behaviour you need to feel loved, as opposed to actually loving you. 

My money is still on a split self affair. He has you as caregiver and mother of his children to which he is loving upstanding father and husband. And the OW to meet his other needs. Between you, the sum provides a whole relationship for him - but separately you are each insufficient in his estimation.

I bet if you confront him he will choose you and the family. He needs you and the family unit more than the OW. And once he's stabilised the situation, he'll either engage the OW to outsource his deeper needs to again (If she's willing), or find another willing participant.

Thank @SolG. Yes I do have a deeply rooted belief in physical presence. I do have a deeply rooted belief in how he is always there for me and our family. I do believe these are illustrations for his love for me. I know most are saying he is going to take me to the cleaners but that is not who he is as a person. He takes of everyone in our family as well as his own individual family. He is the one that everyone turns to and he takes pride in that. It is who he has been in his whole life. I do not believe he will leave our family as family is everything to him, this is why I think this is sheer boredom and I am waiting for her to "disappear" and for him to wake up. 

Thank you explaining the analogy. Maintain the status quo-this I keep thinking about. Our family is everything to him and we also have a very close knit group of friends in which we are all married. Our families are very close. I know for an absolute fact that he would not want to separate and look foolish. I also know he doesn't want to be embarrassed if someone in our family or group of friends found out he was cheating. Which I keep thinking about and still trying to figure out why hasn't he dropped this habit of his, this is why I see her as an addiction. 

"He values you. He values the family unit. It is important to him. He will do what he needs to in order to maintain it. That includes exhibiting the behaviour you need to feel loved, as opposed to actually loving you. "- yes he does value me and our family, our extended family and friends and all of the relationships we have. So you are saying this is an act to make me feel loved..

"He needs you and the family unit more than the OW."-This is the realization that I would like for him to come up with now and stop engaging with her. She is not making our family or him better in the grand scheme of things.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 7:37 AM, Allupinnit said:

@husbandcheating - thanks for coming here and being honest with your story.  I do wish you the best giving your husband the opportunity to do right by you some day.

Thank you @Allupinnit

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 7:49 AM, Prudence V said:

OP, what exactly is your endgame here? Are you like @edith, happy for him to have as many OW as he wants as long as they’re “just for sex”? Are you happy to turn a blind eye to any “extramural pursuits”, as long as he comes home every night? Are you - as some BW on these boards have claimed - less concerned about fidelity, but more concerned about loyalty (or inertia, perhaps)? It’s unclear what you’re really seeing as the goal here, so it’s not clear how we can respond in a way that’s useful to you. 
 

@HadMeOverABarrel suggested earlier you were just looking for confirmation that he loved you, that he was committed to you, that your M was the real deal… is that it? If you’re just wanting people to tell you what you want to hear, you might be disappointed around here. Many people here have had their own experience of infidelity (on different sides; some, on more than one) and so recognise clues that you may be oblivious to, or choosing not to see, and are not going to close their eyes to those and assure you that everything’s fine when it’s evident to pretty much everyone but yourself that it’s not. 
 

If you’re wanting us to tell you that you will outlast his GF, we can’t know that - we can only look at the evidence, and make deductions from that. And the evidence suggests that he’s investing in a future with her. Yes, he speaks of buying a house for you - but as we’ve pointed out repeatedly, you do not co-own his current house, and he doesn’t want you (and the kids) on the street. If it was you he was building the future with, surely by now he would have put your name also on the deed of his house, instead of just talking of buying you your own one? 
 

You’ve given us lots of evidence that he’s invested in the family. No one has ever disputed that, and his words to his brother indicate that he doesn’t want to be a part-time parent. So, he’ll either wait it out with you until the kids are grown, or he’ll leave and (attempt to) take the kids with him. Nowhere in the evidence you’ve given is there any indication that he’s planning a long term future *with you* beyond when the kids are grown. Social media posts and water parks aren’t evidence of that - especially when you have so much counter-evidence.

What, in the evidence you’ve given us (his conversation with his brother; his investing in a future with her; his communications with her) indicates to you that his relationship with his GF is “disposable”? I’m asking for evidence - not his mere presence doing yard work or overnighting in your bed. 

@Prudence VI do not want him to have Amanda. I want him to let this woman be. You said loyalty-Yes I do want his loyalty to remain to me and our family. And realize this woman is nothing good for him, our marriage, our family and everything surrounded what we have built. Someone that you have known for four years does not have any precedence over what we have. I need him to wake up and smell the roses as they say. 

I do not want people to tell me what I want to hear, I do appreciate the bluntness and gut checks. This is very hard as I am trying to understand every detail and trying to get out of my own thinking. My thinking is embedded in, like right now MY husband is sleep right next to ME. He is not sleeping next to her. He does not go home to her, they do not have a HOME. She doesn't get our family outings and time. We are leaving Sunday for 10 days to go to my sisters lake house. She won't be there. She wasn't invited. I would hate to be her, in some sense, I actually feel bad for her that she is being used for sexual pleasure. The reason why I keep saying it is for sexual pleasure is because of the above, she doesn't do any of the activities that we do as a family unit or a marital unit. There is no possible way he could love someone like that whom he doesn't have much with. 

Everyone says buying a house for "me" but it is for "us". We are constantly looking at listings and discussing what we want, etc. The home is for US. He has never said the home was for me only. The argument years ago he offered to pay my mortgage for two years if I were to get a home for myself while the children stay with him.

No he will never be a part time parent. He would never. Our boys have been everything to him. Our three extensions of him is something he would never ever give up. He also wouldn't break up our parental unit. It is too important for our children to be raised in a two parent household. We have talked about this a lot since when we first found out we were having our first child. From the moment he moved me in with him 7 months into our pregnancy. He knew he would never be a part time father. 

"Investing in a future with her" I see nowhere where they have discussed getting married, being together long term, his name isn't on anything what I recently found out, that doesn't seem too invested to me. Yes he talked to his brother, and I feel like many put a lot of weight on that. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:38 AM, introverted1 said:

Respectfully, OP, I think you are confusing your husband's dedication to his children with his dedication to you.  It's clear from the snippet you shared of his exchange with his brother that he does not feel confident in entrusting the children to you as the primary parent, and this seems to be what keeps him with you. Most of the actions you present as "evidence" of his commitment to you are in fact examples of his commitment to his children (like the water park).  Unlike other WS on this board, your husband has invested in his OW significantly, both in terms of time/love and money:  he is investing in a business with her.  This is not something someone does when they are engaged in "just sex." You also have glossed over the fact that your husband tried to get you to leave the marital home 7 years ago.  That is pretty significant! I think your husband has been unhappy for quite some time.  I would be very surprised indeed if he stays with you in the long run.

@introverted1It is not that he doesnt trust me with our children, his mind is very "boys and young men should be with their father", he also believes they should be with their mother but also with the father always in the home. He would never leave our 3 boys. He thinks I am wonderful mom, but just not equipped to handle boys in the fashion that he would like.

"Most of the actions you present as "evidence" of his commitment to you are in fact examples of his commitment to his children (like the water park)." do you think his romantic gestures are for the commitment of the children too? For mothers day he planned a photo shoot with our whole family and then "engagement photos" for us which were very romantic. That doesn't scream children to me, that screams commitment to me as his wife and our marriage. Can I have your opinion on this? 

In the argument 7 years ago, he didn't press the issue, he said it once and he never mentioned it again. It wasn't something he was continuously talking about. He said it in the heat of the moment and we forgot about it.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 8:40 AM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, and you consider this to be a sign of his commitment to you as his primary partner. 
In truth, he is perhaps trying to assuage his guilt. He is most definitely trying to distract you and keep you happy lest you discover the affair and disrupt his plans. And you, are quite happily obliging. You are definitely buying what he is selling…

Yes I do consider the acts that he does, a commitment to me as his wife. I don't make him tell me he loves you, etc, everything that my husband does is on his own merit. No one Is making him do these actions.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:25 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I will probably come back to this and comment more when I can, but here are a couple things that jumped out to me as I read it.

Your mom may have inadvertently done you a disservice with that remark, especially by not qualifying it. A person's motives for staying in a marriage are not that black/white. Sometimes it comes down to timing, opportunity, conditions, other factors. 

To say a person is 100% committed to something just because they appear so is not the whole picture. In your case, you related what he said in confidence to his brother. I presume he has a close enough relationship with his brother to share his private thoughts, thoughts that he is not sharing with you. The fact that he is saying these things to brother is an indication of his true intent (unless you can think of some other reason he would intend to deceive his brother with what he said? Probably not.). The fact he's saying this to brother but not you shows his intent to deceive. Plus he's carried on a years long affair behind your back which shows he is good at deception. That's your main problem. He is good at deceiving you. As such, can you really rely on all these little gestures as evidence when he is a practiced deceiver? Isn't it in his best interest to play happy family for you? If he were setting things up to pull the rug out from under you, would he want you to know it in advance? Of course not!  The best way to keep you from knowing is to show you the opposite. To simplify--here's an analogy: a lot of magic is slight of hand. The magician distracts his audience, getting their attention to go one direction, while he completes the illusion in another. That makes the illusion (deception) easier to pull off undetected. Your husband is the magician in my analogy.

Can you imagine if the magician told the audience beforehand, "I'm going to make this ball disappear from my right hand while you look my left hand, so don't look at my right hand, ok? Ready? Don't look where I said not to look!" Then, where would you look? Exactly where the magician told you not to because you'd know that's the secret of the illusion. But! by distracting your attention without telling you what's actually happening...poof! Magic!  Your husband knows he can keep you deceived by distracting you with happy family.

The big difference between your story and the stories on OW/OM forum is your husband actually confided in another person in confidence his true intentions. That rarely happens in the OW/OM forum. Also, people here are picking up on things you've stated about your husband which you are dismissing. You are dismissing them because they are too painful for you to acknowledge. We can see them easily because we are not in the situation as you are.

I think your effort on readimg others' threads is great! Keep doing that. You will learn a lot!

@HadMeOverABarrel "A person's motives for staying in a marriage are not that black/white. Sometimes it comes down to timing, opportunity, conditions, other factors." I feel that the only motives is loving your spouse and wanting to continuous build on what you have already built. 

Yes he is very close to his brother, but he also said he wasn't leaving me.

"Isn't it in his best interest to play happy family for you? If he were setting things up to pull the rug out from under you, would he want you to know it in advance? Of course not! " I am going to take me out of the equation really quickly, my husband would never allow for our boys to be raised in two separate households. They rely on us both. My husband relies on me. We are a true team!

Thank you for the analogy. 

Yes I am reading a lot of threads, and again the majority of things I see is everyone telling other women to drop the married man, some have been with them for years. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:38 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Not sure where the original quote is.

@husbandcheating. Anyhow, fwiw, I felt that my involvement with xMM was making his marriage tolerable, too. I felt that he would take all the excitement and sexual energy he generated with me back to his wife. I started feeling like I was doing her work for her in their relationship. Like she could do less, I'd charge him up, and he'd go take that charge back to her. I was the one left depleted. It's one of the things that helped me get out and stay away. 

If I may ask @HadMeOverABarrel , how long were you with your xMM? 

I would not want to be Amanda, so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Alright, so it appears you've decided you are going to stick this out until the end, whatever that end may look like. 

As such, what sort of help would you like to receive here now?

[husbandcheating]

My husband is currently sleeping and our oldest son, just came into our room to give me his dad's phone which he left in the garage. I am tempted to look into it. But I know that is useless. I am hoping to find good news.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

If I may ask @HadMeOverABarrel , how long were you with your xMM? 

I would not want to be Amanda, so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

😄 battery charger - made me chuckle!

I honestly believe your husband wants a future with Amanda so I'm hard pressed to say she's a battery charger. 

My xMM and I were heavy into it for the first year until I suddenly ghosted him with no contact. I ghosted because I knew I didn't have the strength to do it any other way. 

A few months later I had to meet an attorney at his law firm. While there, I asked him to talk with me about the way things ended. He stepped away from his desk AHS we talked about it for two hours. I could tell my abrupt departure had upset him. So we carried on communicating for a few months but he was...different. I think he was holding onto bitterness for how I ghosted him previously.

That time came to an end when I could feel the enormous amount of tension that had built up my body from dealing with him. I had words and we cut contact for a few months. 

Several months later my brother got into trouble and I needed legal advice fast, within 2 hours. It was xMM's area of specialty and I believed he would help me. He did. Things between us for the next 8 months were lovely until he disappeared mid-conversation for no reason apparent to me. 

After that, I was so hurt that he vanished I decided I was done for good. But then life had other plans. 10 months later I hired an attorney for a matter from the law firm he worked at (I was a long-time client of the firm). It's a very large law firm. She had an accident the 2 days before my hearing and the law firm reassigned my case to him. It was a total coincidence. 

We carried on for a couple months after that, but when he began to blow hot-n-cold, I distanced myself. After a view months, I asked him Why couldn't he just be a normal friend with me instead of hot/cold. After a couple more months of hot/cold, I told him off royally. I told him he was exhausting and I'm completely done. I told him all the negative things I felt about him. I told him a very negative description of how I'd always remember him. 

He would've carried on with our charades forever if I let him. At the same time, he did tell me in different ways a few times that he wouldn't leave his marriage. 

It's really a different scenario than your husband has with Amanda. 

[elaine567]

Seems like a lot of "my husband would never..." but does it include my husband would never take a mistress and sneak around with her for 4 years...?
Do you consider this as a sign of commitment to you and your marriage?
Be a bit more careful with your assumptions .
.   
As for going with you to your sister's for 10 days, he is going because he can't get out of it, without raising concerns, can he?
He will no doubt be in touch with her the whole time...

 

 

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

"Most of the actions you present as "evidence" of his commitment to you are in fact examples of his commitment to his children (like the water park)." do you think his romantic gestures are for the commitment of the children too? For mothers day he planned a photo shoot with our whole family and then "engagement photos" for us which were very romantic. That doesn't scream children to me, that screams commitment to me as his wife and our marriage. Can I have your opinion on this?

I've given you my opinion, as has just about everyone else in this thread.  Your husband is building a life with Amanda.  Perhaps he will wait until your boys are grown, but it's clear that he is serious about the relationship with her.  I think he knows you very well and recognizes that you are easily appeased with things like Facebook posts, flowery cards, "engagement" photos, and the like. He shares this "for show" life with you.  But to whom does he reveal his hopes and dreams and disappointments?  When was the last time you actually had a prolonged, intimate discussion with him?  Not about the children or the house, but about your inner selves?

Look, it's possible you will out-wait Amanda.  She may decide she's waited long enough at some point, especially if your husband won't leave before your youngest child is 18.  But even if that happens, you will have a deeply unhappy man on your hands. He will see you as the reason she left and will resent you.  Her presence in his life is what allows him to stay with you and pretend to be the model husband. If she leaves either he will bite the bullet and leave, too, or he will find a replacement.  To think that this is simply a 4-year "fluke" is a child's thinking. 

Have you considered counseling to help you make sense of the situation, and especially why you are so committed to denying the facts that are staring you in the face?  I think you might benefit from the help of a counselor who can help you face the reality you are so intent on denying.  Don't you want to be with a man who actually loves you, not one who is biding his time until the next time he can be with his mistress?  A good counselor can help you make sense of this situation and develop a path forward.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband is currently sleeping and our oldest son, just came into our room to give me his dad's phone which he left in the garage.I am hoping to find good news.

What would "good news" constitute to you?

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would hate to be her, in some sense, I actually feel bad for her that she is being used for sexual pleasure. The reason why I keep saying it is for sexual pleasure is because of the above, she doesn't do any of the activities that we do as a family unit or a marital unit. There is no possible way he could love someone like that whom he doesn't have much with.

I think you are underestimating the extent to which men bond through sex. Or, more accurately, that men need sex in order to feel bonded.

Quote

Everyone says buying a house for "me" but it is for "us". We are constantly looking at listings and discussing what we want, etc. The home is for US. He has never said the home was for me only. The argument years ago he offered to pay my mortgage for two years if I were to get a home for myself while the children stay with him.

No he will never be a part time parent. He would never. Our boys have been everything to him. Our three extensions of him is something he would never ever give up. He also wouldn't break up our parental unit.

He is willing to break up your parental unit as long as he retains custody of the children.  That's what is significant about the offer he made previously.  This is not the sort of thing that is said in the heat of the moment during an argument.  It is something he thought through and presented in the hopes you would accept.  I am in the camp with those who believe he is buying a new house so you will have a place to live when he leaves.

Quote

From the moment he moved me in with him 7 months into our pregnancy.

So if I understand the timeline correctly, he was dating someone else when he got you pregnant (cheating on her, essentially), then got back together with her and then finally made the decision to have you live with him when you were 7 months along in your pregnancy? 

[kxpxsc3]

Former OW here.  Just wanted to give some of my perspective.  I feel a similarity between you and my xMM's now ex wife because she also knew I was around but turned a blind eye to keep the family unit together.   My xMM also would go on the occasional vacation with his family and I actually confronted him after I found an email to his wife (now ex-wife) signed Love You.  You know what he told me?  It was something along the lines of... "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay."   Makes me cringe to this day.  

Eventually I was sick of the situation so I walked away from him.  I concluded that he was a cake eater who wanted both women, and I never asked him or expect him to leave.  I was just so miserable not being able to have 'my man' that I went full blown no contact (NC).

One month later, he called me to say he can't live without me and that he's leaving.  I was SHOCKED ... I waited 3 years for him to make SOME kind of move, made peace with the fact that he would never leave, and all it took was walking away + 1 month of NC???

Our relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I did a LOT of reading about men and relationships in the aftermath of him leaving his wife.  I honestly believe that because I put my foot down and finally refused to be part of the dysfunction, that he left.  I say this loosely because I was, after all, the other woman, but I believe walking away increased my value in his eyes, and in turn motivated him to chose.  And I often times wondered if he had had any consequences from his wife, such as being thrown out, served divorce papers, or having the affair exposed to family/friends - if things would have been different for them.  But she never gave him a single consequence, was willing to tolerate it and work things out no matter what... even after he left and we started our "real" relationship,  there was a good 1.5 years of her begging, screaming, and guilting him about the kids into coming back.  Which he never did and he told me that her doing that is having the opposite effect (making him not want to return).

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

Edited July 16, 2021 by kxpxsc3

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I do not want him to have Amanda. I want him to let this woman be.

OK, I clearly phrased that badly. I didn’t mean, what colour is your favourite unicorn, I meant what outcome that is actually within your means to achieve, are you hoping for, here? Please set aside the magical thinking for a while. I’d love global warming to be reversed and world peace and universal justice to manifest, but all my wishing won’t make that happen - just as all your wishing won’t make Amanda disappear. The only two people who can effect that are Amanda, and “your” H (Amanda’s BF). There are things you can do, futures you can choose, that are within your sphere of influence - but that isn’t one of them. 
 

So let me ask again - of the actually possible futures (you accepting Amanda in your life, long-term / you giving him an ultimatum and being prepared for him to choose her / you making the decision to cut your losses and leave…), what are you working toward, here? 

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would not want to be Amanda

I’m guessing that, if she were posting here, she’d be saying the same thing about you. 
 

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

she is his battery charger for our marriage

Someone else mentioned it upthread, but have you given any serious consideration to the possibility of this being a “split-self” affair? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, kxpxsc3 said:

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

It's not that you're wrong, but it may be more about the emotional connection to the OW rather than "respect" for not tolerating crap. Losing her or the prospect of it causes distress (for SOME) if they are "emotionally bonded". I mean, sure there is a certain amount of respect there, but I'm not sure that's what drives "action".

I think AP's generally are what you could call dopamine (the brain chemical) chasers, and a breakup causes a big drop in dopamine. So they become "needy" for the other person to a certain extent, particularly if they are GENUINELY unhappy at home. The other part is that the affair may be acting like something of a band-aid IF they are truly unhappy, so losing it helps them "confront" the reality of their home life without it. So then (sometimes) they choose to leave.

I'm not sure about your thesis about Amanda. You COULD be right, but putting her foot down might also be what prompts him to pull the plug and finally leave. Toss up that could go either way IMO. He HAS a safe landing with the OW apparently...

Edited July 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

so she is his battery charger for our marriage?

Of course not. She is a drain on you/your family. He takes his energy to her.

You cook, clean, watch the kids, shop, do his laundry, feed him well and all that menial drudgery so he can be alive and up for her.

That's why he calls you 'woman of the house'. 

[kxpxsc3]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure about your thesis about Amanda. You COULD be right, but putting her foot down might also be what prompts him to pull the plug and finally leave. Toss up that could go either way IMO. He HAS a safe landing with the OW apparently...

To that I say - then he was 100% going to do it anyways, it was just a matter of time, and nothing HusbandCheating could do about it.  Anyway I think most would prefer to know sooner rather than later where they stand, but it doesn't sound like HusbandCheating is ready for what may or may not come out of that. 

But I think if she wants her husband to "give up" Amanda and refocus on the marriage/home life, the only chance of that, however slim it might be, is if he's face to face with what he has to lose (marriage, children, reputation, friendships, etc), it's one thing to know what he have to lose, it's another thing for him to see and experience it.  But yes it's a 50/50 toss up, so a gamble that HusbandCheating would have to be willing to take  - but doesn't sound like she is, so the only alternative is to let more time pass doing nothing and see if he leaves her or not, continues the affair or not.  No way to live if you ask me, but it is her prerogative and most certainly a path she can continue on and see how things develop by themself.

Edited July 16, 2021 by kxpxsc3

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, kxpxsc3 said:

but yes it's a 50/50 toss up, so a gamble that HusbandCheating would have to be willing to take  - but doesn't sound like she is, so the only alternative is to let more time pass doing nothing and see if he leaves her or not, continues the affair or not. 

Agree. 🙂

[Allupinnit]

So your plan of action is to keep up the facade with him to everyone until you hope he eventually gets tired of her?

Does it not bother you at all that you have this huge gaping hole and secret in your marriage that you cannot talk about with the your life partner?  That he is giving things meant just for you, his body, his time, his affection - to someone else?  I don't think you'll ever be enough for him alone.  

He's got the "perfect" family life that you love to brag about on here, and his sexy vixen on the side he can have intellectual conversations with while you're busy washing his underwear and shuttling his boys around.  He most likely thinks that's all you're good for, propping up the fake life with him and keeping your mouth shut.  The "woman of the house" - I'm sorry but that is the unsexiest thing EVER.

Guess what?  It's a house of cards.  Social media is a lie.  You are living a LIE.  It is only a matter of time before the sh*t hits the fan and this "great all-around family man with the perfect kids and friends" has his mask slip.  His family obviously knows and is keeping up the lie on their end too!  How can you live this way?!!  

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

So your plan of action is to keep up the facade with him to everyone until you hope he eventually gets tired of her?

“If all of the raindrops were jellybeans and gum drops, oh what a world it would be…”

The fact that you say OP you hope he eventually tires of his affair partner and recommits fo you and your marriage is about as realistic as this children’s song. Wishful thinking… Even if she does walk away, you are still left with a man who has lied to you, betrayed you, and stays with you out of obligation more than anything else. That’s not a “win” in my book. 

Edited July 16, 2021 by BaileyB