My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Pumpernickel]

16 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am hoping to find good news

As a former OW who got “chosen“ let me tell you the following: they do leave if they want to. Yes, he kept appearances up for several reasons, eg in order to protect property & the children who were teenagers at that time, so therefore he never told anybody about us, let alone his brother. That never happened. It did make me suspicious, but he divorced her eventually, against her will. The fact that your WS told a family member about Amanda speaks volumes in my opinion. That’s all I ever wanted as an ow back in the days - that he would share his predicament with s/o who was close to him. But he didn’t. He planned and processed things his own way - and then he left her. That’s just my personal cautionary tale for you, & this is why all the things he does with you and your family don’t mean much in my opinion. 

 

My xMM did the same, vacations and such, family barbecues, Valentine’s dinners, birthdays, family get-togethers, weddings, and it annoyed the hell out of me on occasion, but he reassured me over and over again that these things meant nothing in the great scheme of things. He divorced her anyways. She knew about me, too, and would have put up with the A. Maybe indefinitely. Even that didn’t stop him. 

[LostinLove2]

5 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

As a former OW who got “chosen“ let me tell you the following: they do leave if they want to. 

How long were you the OW before he finally chose you? Did he promise you he would divorce eventually? Are you still together and happy now? I have so many questions 

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

How long were you the OW before he finally chose you? Did he promise you he would divorce eventually? Are you still together and happy now? I have so many questions 

I don’t want to use this thread to tell my own story, just trying to help. Quick summary - I never insisted in getting into a “legit” relationship with him. I was quite happy with how things were. But “lovebombing galore” eventually convinced me. It didn’t last (for many reasons), but we had a relationship and even a shared household (yikes) after they divorced, with families/extended families involved, his kids included, so a normal relationship, yes. Out in the open - Lasted a few years, too. They’re still divorced and never got back I together. Both have new partners. 

[husbandcheating]

I am still responding to everyone, but I just wanted to update everyone on what I saw. Yes the night our son came in with his phone, I logged off to look at it extensively. I did not go to sleep at all that night looking through hundreds of text messages between them. I am in a world of hurt, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters. I did a lot of key word searches in the texts and it showed me things specifically. Some things I would like to share:

1. He has told her he loved her numerous times and her as well (I don't think too much into that because you can tell anyone you love them especially if you are trying to get something from them, for example, sex)

2. He has told her these things specifically: 

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-as long as his children was happy, his happiness didn't matter anymore and he has been committed to that decision (I think this is utter bullshit as we have had so many happy moments during these years and my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

-he was ok staying because he didn't want to start over and that he has known for a very long time and again as long as the kids are happy-"didn't want to start over"? I don't even know what to say to this

-His Family, friends, and how I have "clung to them" and that he has never wanted to take that away from me- this is such a bunch of bullshit, of course I have attached myself to them, we have been together and then married, I have a small group of friends but yes mostly his friends I consider my friends.

-"I do love her family and get along with them more than I do her"- I don't understand the point of even saying this, I guess this was to add more fluff

-"I do love her of course but not in love"- THIS IS SUCH A COMMON THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY-we know that this is lies as my best friend said

-"She really doesn't love me, she is in love with the time we have under our belts, the idea of it all, she has complained about who I am as a person and we really do not connect as such, I do consider her a friend, we can laugh, joke, talk but its not what I've read about" "If she were to really look things, she would know she doesn't love me in that way either"- How can you even say this to anyone? I do love him!

-"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work." -Yes, we were raised different, what is the point of sharing it with her? That is none of her God forsaken business. 

-She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter" -I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

 

There is more but I am getting so angry typing this out. What do you all think about these specifics.

Edited July 18, 2021 by husbandcheating

[elaine567]

 

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters.

Your best friend is IMO SO wrong. in her assessment of the situation, I guess she is trying to make you feel better.
He is spending 10 days with you at your sister's,  as he can't justify not going, not because  Amanda means so little to him....

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

-I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

Why not?  She has been his mistress, lover, confidante and friend for 4 years. 
This is the trouble with infidelity, it is not often just about sex, it is about emotional connection with a third party, and is very often a huge betrayal of the original primary unit.
Your life with him and his feelings about you and his married life, he is discussing in detail with Amanda.
He does not discuss her with you, so they are now essentially "the couple" and you are now the outsider, unfortunately.

All the things you value as being signs he loves you madly passionately deeply have been exposed as likely false, in these texts to Amanda, 
Maybe now you will see the true instability of the situation you find yourself in.
 

Edited July 18, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[assertives]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

Sounds exactly like what everyone have been saying on here. You may not have intended for it to be fake but to him, he's faking it and putting on a false front for everyone else. It's fake for him. And it's true that this happy family is a façade as obviously not everything is sunshine and rainbows in your family because obviously he's cheating.

[RebeccaR]

See my next comment 

Edited July 18, 2021 by RebeccaR

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

But look at the parallel: You haven’t sat him down and said “hey babe, I am upset that you are cheating” yet you are 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Why not confront him and ask him what the messages really mean, rather than try to interpret them with your best friend?

She can't do so, in case he leaves.

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am still responding to everyone, but I just wanted to update everyone on what I saw. Yes the night our son came in with his phone, I logged off to look at it extensively. I did not go to sleep at all that night looking through hundreds of text messages between them. I am in a world of hurt, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters. I did a lot of key word searches in the texts and it showed me things specifically. Some things I would like to share:

1. He has told her he loved her numerous times and her as well (I don't think too much into that because you can tell anyone you love them especially if you are trying to get something from them, for example, sex)

2. He has told her these things specifically: 

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-as long as his children was happy, his happiness didn't matter anymore and he has been committed to that decision (I think this is utter bullshit as we have had so many happy moments during these years and my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

-he was ok staying because he didn't want to start over and that he has known for a very long time and again as long as the kids are happy-"didn't want to start over"? I don't even know what to say to this

-His Family, friends, and how I have "clung to them" and that he has never wanted to take that away from me- this is such a bunch of bullshit, of course I have attached myself to them, we have been together and then married, I have a small group of friends but yes mostly his friends I consider my friends.

-"I do love her family and get along with them more than I do her"- I don't understand the point of even saying this, I guess this was to add more fluff

-"I do love her of course but not in love"- THIS IS SUCH A COMMON THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY-we know that this is lies as my best friend said

-"She really doesn't love me, she is in love with the time we have under our belts, the idea of it all, she has complained about who I am as a person and we really do not connect as such, I do consider her a friend, we can laugh, joke, talk but its not what I've read about" "If she were to really look things, she would know she doesn't love me in that way either"- How can you even say this to anyone? I do love him!

-"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work." -Yes, we were raised different, what is the point of sharing it with her? That is none of her God forsaken business. 

-She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter" -I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

 

There is more but I am getting so angry typing this out. What do you all think about these specifics.

OP,

Whether or not this is all lies doesn't matter. It's his perception of reality, and I fully expect she eggs him on.
DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!!!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!
He does not have your best interests at heart, and as for all this nonsense about his?
if, you love your kids, you don't act like he is. You don't put their mother's  mental/physical/emotional health at risk. You suck it up, sit her down and tell her the truth, even it makes you the "bad guy".


 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's clear OP has zero intention of doing anything about any of this.  She will find a way to rationalize everything he's doing, spin everything to suit her narrative, and dismiss any and all evidence that her marriage is in the ditch. 

Some women (and yes, some men too) will gladly turn a blind eye to affairs if it means they can stay married. She is one of these women. 

The only way this marriage is going to end is if he leaves. She isn't going anywhere otherwise. 

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[pepperbird2]

I hope every WS stops by this thread and reads it end to end. It's an excellent example of what a BS goes through. Meanwhile, good ol' hubby likely thinks of himself as this good husband/ kind person because he's keeping all this from her.

op, in the end, you have to do what's right for you, but before you decide anything really think about if this is good for you or not. I woulds suggest that if you do stay, you start putting money away. Don't let him know, and for goodness sake, don't feel one bit guilty about doing it. He's certainty covering his own behind, so you need to do the same. I know that goes against what a marriage should be, but madam, he broke your marriage vows the second he laid a hand on her.

Of course, it's possible this is all fluff and he's spoon feeding her what he thinks she wants to her- the truth though, is that doesn't matter, that he said any of it all and was so disrespectful to you behind your back.

Op, I am so sorry you are in this position. IMO, your husband is being incredibly cruel. The reality though, is you're a mom. You have to protect your kids, and one very important component of that is your emotional and mental health. The longer you keep in the current status quo, the harder that's going to be. I know this will sound harsh, but as a mother, you don't get the luxury of extended "self pity" (if you know what I mean- they're not exactly the right words). This inertia will hurt your kids.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to him about all of this, then at least make a "go to" plan just in case you ever need it. Have some funds set aside, talk to an attorney about your situation and find out what your right and responsibilities are, build a support system that's only there for you and your kids (not him) and being detaching yourself emotionally from him so that if and when the other shes drops, you will be ready. Maybe it never will, but it pays to be prepared. It sounds to me like he plans to take off as soon as he can with no warning to you (what a jackass move) and if you are prepared, you will be in a position of strength, not weakness. Even if it hurts, even if you are crying all the way to the lawyers office, please make that appointment. Having that knowledge and clarity will help you to have some control over your life, and it's also a way for you to protect your kids.

[pepperbird2]

12 minutes ago, S2B said:

I’m telling you - you have no idea what monster/liar you are married to.

you see… love doesn’t do this to a person they love. He used her - he used you. The ONLY one he truly loves is himself. His kids - who would do this to their kids…but he did.

he is way more selfish and self centered than you realized. Believe me this is the real him. He will hurt you again - it’s probably not the first time he cheated - just the first time he got caught.

you can’t change who he is. You thought you knew him but you didn’t…now this is really the person he is = one who will talk crap about you when someone will listen, one who will betray you and appease you to keep up an image on social media. In other words he is a complete phoney.

yes he told her what she needed to hear… but that betrayal was to get whatever he wanted from her.

yeah, I'm not getting that read. I think the ow knows full well what's going on, and sad to say for the OP she doesn't care. If his wife gets hurt, well, that's sad, but it's collateral damage to her. I don't mean that she's a terrible person, just that if she sees being with this guy as important, she's not going to care about the OP, and she knows full well what she's getting into. She always did.

[Pumpernickel]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Why not?  She has been his mistress, lover, confidante and friend for 4 years. 
This is the trouble with infidelity, it is not often just about sex, it is about emotional connection with a third party, and is very often a huge betrayal of the original primary unit.
Your life with him and his feelings about you and his married life, he is discussing in detail with Amanda.

Yes, WHs do like to “share” with their mistresses, don’t they? They love building their parallel dream life with somebody else, while their BSs are left in the dark. Oh the disrespect! Discussing the spouse’s flaws with s/o else. She’s not a self-starter, she’s too attached to his friend and family circle, she’s too dependent on him for jobs etc., she is immature posting on SM, she’s entitled, she’s this she’s that. Yikes. If it were a merely sexual A, it wouldn’t be so painful to read, but this…… 

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yes, WHs do like to “share” with their mistresses, don’t they? They love building their parallel dream life with somebody else, while their BSs are left in the dark. Oh the disrespect! Discussing the spouse’s flaws with s/o else. She’s not a self-starter, she’s too attached to his friend and family circle, she’s too dependent on him for jobs etc., she is immature posting on SM, she’s entitled, she’s this she’s that. Yikes. If it were a merely sexual A, it wouldn’t be so painful to read, but this…… 

This sort of thing is something I find repugnant. How can his ow listen to him talk about about another human being with such disrespect, especially behind her back? it's so sad-in effect, they have teamed up against the OP.  Teamed up to cause her pain, although, if asked, I doubt either one would say that's what's going on. The MM likely is even giving himself a good old pat on the back for how "considerate" he's being of his wife by staying while the kids are young.
Typical WS mental gymnastics.

 

[introverted1]

OP, I asked you this previously and you have not responded:  what is keeping you from seeing a therapist who can help you make sense of what is happening?  Its clear that you don't accept what we've been saying, which is that your H's real life is with Amanda, not you, and also clear that your bff is saying what she thinks you want to hear.  Are you so determined to put your head in the sand that you won't even consider getting outside, objective, help?  

[RebeccaR]

I agree with her husband’s assessment that OP doesn’t have a lot of fire. How many spouses could gather this much incontrovertible evidence and not act upon it? This isn’t a criticism of the OP - just pointing out that she has a passive personality that the husband is taking advantage of, big time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, I asked you this previously and you have not responded:  what is keeping you from seeing a therapist who can help you make sense of what is happening?

Obviously I can't speak for OP herself, but my guess is that it's because she would first have to admit to herself that this is really happening and serious enough to warrant outside help. 

She is in too much denial to feel she needs a therapist, I think. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Obviously I can't speak for OP herself, but my guess is that it's because she would first have to admit to herself that this is really happening and serious enough to warrant outside help. 

She is in too much denial to feel she needs a therapist, I think. 

Or like edith, who fired her therapist because she didn’t support her (delusional) thinking. People who are reluctant to seek the counsel of a therapist are usually those who have things they often know, but are unwilling to truly accept - because that would require change. 

There is another poster on the site in the OM/OW section who is in this very same spot. Refuses any suggestion of counselling because that would require some serious self reflection and change - would much prefer to continue on her own self determined path of self destruction. 

Edited July 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I agree with her husband’s assessment that OP doesn’t have a lot of fire. How many spouses could gather this much incontrovertible evidence and not act upon it? This isn’t a criticism of the OP - just pointing out that she has a passive personality that the husband is taking advantage of, big time. 

She is so passive as she is stuck. 
She admitted she could not afford to sustain a household on her wages, as they live in an expensive area..
He owns the house, it is not marital property...
i guess she is scared he will get custody of the children too, he does not see the OP as being a good role model for his kids.... and he is "joined at the hip" with his sons.
Her fears may be justified. Even if he cannot do it legally, the kids may vote with their feet...

She doesn't want to rock any boats, if she can help it.

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

he does not see the OP as being a good role model for his kids.... 
Her fears may be justified. Even if he cannot do it legally, the kids may vote with their feet...

I think this has a lot to do with it, and is likely related to something OP has elected not to share on this forum. 

Something is genrallly quite off when an otherwise soundminded parent doesn't feel the other could be trusted to look after their own children. Those sorts of concerns don't usually materialize out of nowhere. 

[pepperbird2]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think this has a lot to do with it, and is likely related to something OP has elected not to share on this forum. 

Something is genrallly quite off when an otherwise soundminded parent doesn't feel the other could be trusted to look after their own children. Those sorts of concerns don't usually materialize out of nowhere. 

 I'm, not reading it that way. To me, it sounds much more like a man who knows he is being a jerk is trying to rationalize it.
If he and his kids are joined at the hop, how would he have to to stat a business, consider purchasing a home or even get involved in an affair in the first place.

I wonder if he has ever brought the kids along for his "me time".

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

If he and his kids are joined at the hop, how would he have to to stat a business, consider purchasing a home or even get involved in an affair in the first place.
I wonder if he has ever brought the kids along for his "me time".

I think he may be planning to replace the OP and set up home with Amanda... 

[Hopefulandinlove]

22 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

This is not very sweet to see. This is his truth. He had the first child with you and realized that he was in love with the baby and “not anything else”. That means you....  he has been “checked out since before the second was born” that says the same thing. He stopped being into you after the first child was born. He said his happiness is making the kids happy. He put up with the other stuff (you) because he wanted to give them a better life. Ouch........

[NYAG]

23 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am still responding to everyone, but I just wanted to update everyone on what I saw. Yes the night our son came in with his phone, I logged off to look at it extensively. I did not go to sleep at all that night looking through hundreds of text messages between them. I am in a world of hurt, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters. I did a lot of key word searches in the texts and it showed me things specifically. Some things I would like to share:

1. He has told her he loved her numerous times and her as well (I don't think too much into that because you can tell anyone you love them especially if you are trying to get something from them, for example, sex)

2. He has told her these things specifically: 

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-as long as his children was happy, his happiness didn't matter anymore and he has been committed to that decision (I think this is utter bullshit as we have had so many happy moments during these years and my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

-he was ok staying because he didn't want to start over and that he has known for a very long time and again as long as the kids are happy-"didn't want to start over"? I don't even know what to say to this

-His Family, friends, and how I have "clung to them" and that he has never wanted to take that away from me- this is such a bunch of bullshit, of course I have attached myself to them, we have been together and then married, I have a small group of friends but yes mostly his friends I consider my friends.

-"I do love her family and get along with them more than I do her"- I don't understand the point of even saying this, I guess this was to add more fluff

-"I do love her of course but not in love"- THIS IS SUCH A COMMON THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY-we know that this is lies as my best friend said

-"She really doesn't love me, she is in love with the time we have under our belts, the idea of it all, she has complained about who I am as a person and we really do not connect as such, I do consider her a friend, we can laugh, joke, talk but its not what I've read about" "If she were to really look things, she would know she doesn't love me in that way either"- How can you even say this to anyone? I do love him!

-"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work." -Yes, we were raised different, what is the point of sharing it with her? That is none of her God forsaken business. 

-She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter" -I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

 

There is more but I am getting so angry typing this out. What do you all think about these specifics.

He is saying and doing all the things that he thinks he needs to, to keep you both together. But he's doing it because it's self preservation because he doesn't want to have to go through the whole break up thing and deal with all the problems that come with that - plus it's going to come out he has had an affair and that means everyone is going to take a side in this. I dated a married guy once who couldn't stand the sight of his wife but he kept up the pretence (and had done for 20 yrs) because divorces are expensive and there were kids involved. He just couldn't be bothered to have to go through all that, so it was easier to just play the game. You need to stop looking at the things he does with you as a suggestion that it's because he wants to be with you. Maybe he wants to be with both of you. But he can't.