My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[introverted1]

On 7/18/2021 at 3:55 AM, husbandcheating said:

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work."

I missed this the first time I read your post of what you found on your H's phone. 

Here's your answer: He stays because he doesn't trust you to raise the boys yourself.  I asked about this previously, and you pretty much blew me off, but there is something seriously amiss that this man thinks it would be harmful for his children to be raised by you.

[spiderowl]

I can see where you are coming from, OP.  You are right in that there are plenty of OW desperate for their MM to leave their wives but they don't.  For your own sake, you can look at the facts in your situation:

- Your husband is a consummate liar.  He is capable of leading a double life.  Your trust in him is based on experience over time rather than in him being inherently trustworthy.  Maybe you really don't know him as well as you thought?

- He may be lying to Amanda just as much as he is lying to you.  She should not trust him.

- What you have found out from what he has said to others about you is that he is effectively saying he is only with you out of convenience and because of his children.  This is unkind to you.  I doubt he would say this if he thought you were listening

- He is supposedly investing materially in business enterprises and real estate with Amanda.  What evidence is there of this?  Do you have evidence of anything real or are these all fake promises he made to Amanda?  I am not asking this to get you to think maybe he's not so committed to Amanda after all, but so that you can check the facts

- He has been keeping this relationship going for 4 years at least.  It is unlikely he will end it and it does not sound like Amanda is expecting it to end any time soon.  In fact, it probably won't end for years unless you confront him and he chooses you instead of Amanda.  There are no guarantees who he will choose

- His behaviour is extremely disrespectful to you.  He is sharing personal things about you with Amanda and pretending that he is only doing things with you to keep up appearances.  

- If your husband loves you - and I think it is possible for someone to love more than one person at a time - he has a strange idea of love.  You don't appear to be too concerned about it being sexual love but you do want other displays of love and affection.  Does love mean having a mistress?  Doesn't love mean caring about your feelings not just your physical security?

- No-one can say for sure whether your husband is plotting to leave you in reality.  It sounds possible, but as you say some guys keep a mistress on the hook for years without leaving and then choose the wife if the affair is exposed

I know you are considering all the above and what it really means.  It seems you are willing to put up with some disrespect as long as you have the status of a wife and she remains a mistress only.

Your feelings matter too.  You are important and should be respected in your own right.  Will you be able to keep your morale up in the face of the regular blows you are likely to receive if you keep reading his phone messages?  If you really don't want to know and would rather hope it all blows over, wouldn't you be better off ignoring the phone?

Yours and your children's financial situation matters.  I doubt he'd leave you in poverty if he did divorce and the law would require a certain amount of alimony, support for the children, and sharing of assets, but there is the possibility those assets could be reduced if he is putting them into enterprises on behalf of Amanda or into financial commitments that could not be split if it came to it.  This is where I think you need to speak to a lawyer, confidentially, to see where you would stand and what you should do at present to protect your interests.

And of course, you need to look after yourself.  Your husband is busy wreaking having with your health and peace of mind at the moment. What outlet do you have for your feelings about all this, apart from here?  I am glad you did confide in your sister, even though she seemed set on convincing you that you were in a secure position with your husband. At least you are talking to someone.  It is not fair that he has put you in this position and you must, at some level, feel incredibly angry.  Maybe it would help you to see a relationship counsellor (on your own) to work through your feelings and for support at this time?

 

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[lana-banana]

On 7/18/2021 at 3:55 AM, husbandcheating said:

She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter"

This really sticks out to me. Not only is he truly in love with her, but he has zero respect for you whatsoever, and ending his affair won't change that. Amanda is just one symptom of what's very very wrong in your marriage.

[heartwhole2]

I'm really sorry you're in this position. My husband had an affair as well, and I know how earth-shattering this all is.

My advice is to make a list of things to do to protect yourself going forward. The truth is that we never know if a marriage will last forever because we're only one half of it. We can only hope for the best while also preparing for other eventualities. 

The first things on your list should concern your and your children's physical well-being. Getting checked for STDs is important. Consulting a lawyer will tell you what life would like if you divorce. How much custody could you expect to get? How much financial support? Is it better for you to try to earn more money now, or keep your earnings where they are in the case of divorce?

Next you need to look after yourself emotionally. You probably have an instinct of which friends would be discreet and supportive if you needed to share what is going on. I found it useful to lean on friends who weren't part of our "couple friends" so that their loyalty was only to me. Find a counselor to talk you through the stages of grief that you're experiencing.

When you have those things in line you can start to think about what you want long-term. Is staying married the most important thing, or do you only want your marriage if there's no dishonesty and other women? You've seen how your husband can compartmentalize and lie with ease. Do you think you could trust him going forward, even if the affair ends? Is trust a must-have for you?

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@heartwhole2 Fwiw to you, I find your posts often thoughtful and full of compassion. Reading them is lovely. 💜

[serial muse]

He seems like such a classic cake-eater. OP, I have no idea what's in his mind, or who he "really" loves, or any of that. I'm just some stranger on the internet.

But everything you've uncovered and told us points to one thing: This situation is one that he is actively choosing every day, and he has no intention of stopping this. It's wishful thinking to hope that he will, or that the OW will throw up her hands and walk away, or that he wouldn't find another OW even if she did. He has a lot of secrets from you, and that doesn't seem likely to change. 

Nobody, I would imagine, is exactly happy with this situation - not you of course, not him, not this OW. But nobody seems to be unhappy enough to change it, either. Everybody seems willing to accept that this is as good as it gets, including you. 

He's not going to end it with her. He's made that clear. He doesn't want to end it with you either, whether because of the kids or he's comfortable with the image of "loyal family man" he gets to play at, or because he likes having all the things or because he's just super-passive too, in his way. Maybe he also loves you, in his inadequate way! It doesn't really matter why, though. You're not happy, and that's the one thing you can be 100% sure of. He's having an affair, and he's made it extremely clear that he's going to go on having an affair, and waiting around for a deus ex machina to end it all is pointless and a waste of your time and energy. 

That's the thing about affairs - once the BS knows, really knows (and you do, now), the BS has a choice to make. That is, in a way, a kind of power, even if it's a choice between two undesirable options. 

The only thing you can do here is decide if you're willing to share this marriage with a third party. How much are you OK with accepting? Because he's not going to stop doing what he's doing; there's no reason for him to stop, he's getting basically what he wants out of it all, and what's more, he has SAID SO. 

If you want this situation to come to an end, you're going to have to end it. I'm sorry because I know it's not what you want. But sometimes we have to face hard truths. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by serial muse

[Amethyst68]

OP you've said you've read the OW forum and everyone tells them MM never leave their wives and families. It's true that's what you see there the majority of the time. 

Of course sometimes the MM does leave or the wife throws him out after a DDay. What happens in a lot of the threads though is the OW coming to the realisation that the MM is never going to leave.  Now that suits some women who want that uncomplicated lifestyle and are happy to live like that.

There are however women who have posted on here who have been waiting for their MM to leave for 10 years or more for e the kids grow up, then it's illness or business  problems, followed not being able to leave because there's suddenly grandchildren on the way. You could be reading Amanda's texts for a long time. 

Alternatively the affair's reaching that 4-5 year point where a lot of OW seem to start  getting depressed waiting and end the affair. There's  usually a lot of back and forth and it's extremely common for the OW to find out the MM has already got at least one replacement on the go. 

You insist you have shared all these special times and dates which proves you're the woman in his heart only to find he shared them with her first, that he probably had sex with her to come to your house and lie next to you in bed with no intimacy. 

You say it would kill him if his family knew but you share texts where he openly discusses the affair with his brother and if his texts are that frank then god knows what their actual discussions are like.

Honestly i think the only real possibility of the affair ending soon is if Amanda ends it. You seem determined your WH will have no consequences for his actions which, if he stays will just make it more likely he will cheat again.

 

[spiderowl]

11 hours ago, serial muse said:

He seems like such a classic cake-eater. OP, I have no idea what's in his mind, or who he "really" loves, or any of that. I'm just some stranger on the internet.

But everything you've uncovered and told us points to one thing: This situation is one that he is actively choosing every day, and he has no intention of stopping this. It's wishful thinking to hope that he will, or that the OW will throw up her hands and walk away, or that he wouldn't find another OW even if she did. He has a lot of secrets from you, and that doesn't seem likely to change. 

Nobody, I would imagine, is exactly happy with this situation - not you of course, not him, not this OW. But nobody seems to be unhappy enough to change it, either. Everybody seems willing to accept that this is as good as it gets, including you. 

He's not going to end it with her. He's made that clear. He doesn't want to end it with you either, whether because of the kids or he's comfortable with the image of "loyal family man" he gets to play at, or because he likes having all the things or because he's just super-passive too, in his way. Maybe he also loves you, in his inadequate way! It doesn't really matter why, though. You're not happy, and that's the one thing you can be 100% sure of. He's having an affair, and he's made it extremely clear that he's going to go on having an affair, and waiting around for a deus ex machina to end it all is pointless and a waste of your time and energy. 

That's the thing about affairs - once the BS knows, really knows (and you do, now), the BS has a choice to make. That is, in a way, a kind of power, even if it's a choice between two undesirable options. 

The only thing you can do here is decide if you're willing to share this marriage with a third party. How much are you OK with accepting? Because he's not going to stop doing what he's doing; there's no reason for him to stop, he's getting basically what he wants out of it all, and what's more, he has SAID SO. 

If you want this situation to come to an end, you're going to have to end it. I'm sorry because I know it's not what you want. But sometimes we have to face hard truths. 

Actually, just re the bolded bit above.  If I remember rightly (and it's entirely possible I've lost track by now), he said this to his brother.  Presumably his brother confronted him and said something like: 'What the hell are you playing at?' and 'What if your wife finds out, what are you going to do?'.  He responded to his brother to say he wasn't giving the OW up.  

However, we do not know what he would want to do if his wife, the OP, found out.  He may give up his mistress at that point.  MM do often drop the mistress when the affair is blown open, but we do not know if he will.  All we know is what he has told his brother while he thinks the OP does not know.

Regardless, it's an awful situation for you, OP.  I hope you get a happy resolution to all this, however remote it might seem.

[husbandcheating]

Finally able to write another update while at my sisters lake house. We are here and everyone has been having a good time. The kids are having a blast. My husband and I have been sitting by the lake talking, chatting about our kids, their futures, school, sports, etc. We have some good plans in place and I do believe he is such a great father, he has always thought about our children first. I am still pissed and it takes a lot for me to just stay silent, but then I look at our sons.

While being here, he has been pretty absent from his phone, leaving it most of the time in the bedside table. While our family was swimming in the lake, I went and looked at it again, and sure enough he has talked to her while we have been here. Not everyday but he has reached out to her. I even read something about them going on a vacation. I am not trying to bash anyone, but I think she is stupid. So am I, do not get me wrong. But at least I have him, we have our marriage. She is a woman that is pinning over a married man that chooses to stay with me every single day. That chooses to go on our vacations. That chooses to do all of the things we do. She isn't at the lake house. From what I read, she has been in some meetings trying to expand "their existing business" and he has texted her "how proud he is of her and what is in store". full of s***

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I am not trying to bash anyone, but I think she is stupid. So am I, do not get me wrong. But at least I have him, we have our marriage. She is a woman that is pinning over a married man that chooses to stay with me every single day. That chooses to go on our vacations. She isn't at the lake house. She has been in some meetings trying to expand "their existing business" and he has texted her "how proud he is of her and what is in store". full of s***

Your jealousy is showing… and your anger is misplaced. 

You are not secure in your marriage or enjoying your vacation if you are checking your husbands phone to read his communications with his affair partner and talking trash about his affair partner. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[husbandcheating]

On 7/15/2021 at 10:35 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Alright, so it appears you've decided you are going to stick this out until the end, whatever that end may look like. 

As such, what sort of help would you like to receive here now?

@HadMeOverABarrelI honestly do not know what I am going to do. I know I am not mentally there to confront him as of yet. I don't know if this is me wanting more information, more time to see his actions, or more time to see if he is going to do the right thing by dropping her knowing he wants his family.

I do want everyones advice and conclusions on things that I bring up that I see.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/15/2021 at 10:58 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

😄 battery charger - made me chuckle!

I honestly believe your husband wants a future with Amanda so I'm hard pressed to say she's a battery charger. 

My xMM and I were heavy into it for the first year until I suddenly ghosted him with no contact. I ghosted because I knew I didn't have the strength to do it any other way. 

A few months later I had to meet an attorney at his law firm. While there, I asked him to talk with me about the way things ended. He stepped away from his desk AHS we talked about it for two hours. I could tell my abrupt departure had upset him. So we carried on communicating for a few months but he was...different. I think he was holding onto bitterness for how I ghosted him previously.

That time came to an end when I could feel the enormous amount of tension that had built up my body from dealing with him. I had words and we cut contact for a few months. 

Several months later my brother got into trouble and I needed legal advice fast, within 2 hours. It was xMM's area of specialty and I believed he would help me. He did. Things between us for the next 8 months were lovely until he disappeared mid-conversation for no reason apparent to me. 

After that, I was so hurt that he vanished I decided I was done for good. But then life had other plans. 10 months later I hired an attorney for a matter from the law firm he worked at (I was a long-time client of the firm). It's a very large law firm. She had an accident the 2 days before my hearing and the law firm reassigned my case to him. It was a total coincidence. 

We carried on for a couple months after that, but when he began to blow hot-n-cold, I distanced myself. After a view months, I asked him Why couldn't he just be a normal friend with me instead of hot/cold. After a couple more months of hot/cold, I told him off royally. I told him he was exhausting and I'm completely done. I told him all the negative things I felt about him. I told him a very negative description of how I'd always remember him. 

He would've carried on with our charades forever if I let him. At the same time, he did tell me in different ways a few times that he wouldn't leave his marriage. 

It's really a different scenario than your husband has with Amanda. 

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel  for sharing your story.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 1:23 AM, elaine567 said:

Seems like a lot of "my husband would never..." but does it include my husband would never take a mistress and sneak around with her for 4 years...?
Do you consider this as a sign of commitment to you and your marriage?
Be a bit more careful with your assumptions .
.   
As for going with you to your sister's for 10 days, he is going because he can't get out of it, without raising concerns, can he?
He will no doubt be in touch with her the whole time...

 

 

@elaine567 I did not think he would ever have a mistress for 4 years, absolutely not. 

"He can't get out of it without raising concerns" -I don't think he doesn't want to be here. Our whole family is here. He loves making memories with our boys. As far as "raising concern" of course our family would ask why didn't make it if he decided not to, but I know that is not the reason why he is here. And if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be as involved as he is, he has a plan everyday for the boys.

@elaine567 he has been in touch with her but not this whole time, he has sporadically made contact with her and quite frankly if I was her, I would think twice about my position in his life. If a man can go days without talking to you, that is something to think about don't you think? He talks to me every single day. 

[Pumpernickel]

35 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

and sure enough he has talked to her while we have been here. Not everyday but he has reached out to her. I even read something about them going on a vacation.

And you’re putting up with this, because? 
 

7 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

this 👇🏼 is not going to happen (speaking from experience)……”knowing he wants his family?” What does that even mean? He has his sons now, he’s not missing anything and losing nothing. Why would he rock that boat? Dropping her? How? why? To what end? They run a business together. A business you’re not supposed to know anything about…… 

 

 

or more time to see if he is going to do the right thing by dropping her knowing he wants his family.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

quite frankly if I was her, I would think twice about my position in his life. If a man can go days without talking to you, that is something to think about don't you think?

You have an interesting way of passing judgment on this woman when your husband is behaving just as disrespectfully/more disrespectfully toward you - considering you are his wife and the mother of his children. 

Perhaps, you should worry less about her and more about yourself. Quite frankly, if I was you, I would think twice about my position in his life if my husband is communicating with his affair partner during a family holiday. Who cares if he can go days without talking her her - he lies with a straight face to you every single day about his relationship with his business partner. Now THAT, is something to think about - don’t you think? 

Edited July 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

7 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

If a man can go days without talking to you, that is something to think about don't you think? He talks to me every single day. 

Yes, but where does he want to be? 
From his (and her perspective): She’s the one he’s honest with. She knows he’s married, she’s in it with her eyes wide open. He invests money in her and their shared business. She’s def got her ducks in a row & her assets protected (part of which are actually your assets, technically speaking…..) These are all tangible actions & results. It’s absurd you don’t see that. 

You're “just” the wife. (They’ll “deal with you later”, you’re not a priority, the matter is not urgent just yet……) You’re here no matter what. You’re not going anywhere. He doesn’t need to be honest with you because you make no demands. The disrespect you’re tolerating is - again - rampant & absurd. 

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Quite frankly, if I was you, I would think twice about my position in his life if my husband is communicating with his affair partner during a family holiday. Who cares if he can go days without talking her her - he lies with a straight face to you every single day about his relationship with his business partner. Now THAT, is something to think about - don’t you think? 

Right? So disrespectful!

The OW is fine. She knows exactly what she’s doing. And so does he. I would not be worried about the OW (and him!!) at all. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

She’s the one he’s honest with.

This is very, very important. 

She has his trust, his respect, his honesty. 

When you have those things and when you are investing and building a future together - it matters not if they don’t talk for a few days. You are the person who is insecure OP. You need to pin him down, to spend time together, to talk with him every day, because you think that if you have his time and attention that you have security in your marriage. However, if he is building a future with her and she has his trust, respect, and honesty - she is secure in their relationship. Daily communication is not as important to her as it is to you right now…

Edited July 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 4:15 AM, introverted1 said:

I've given you my opinion, as has just about everyone else in this thread.  Your husband is building a life with Amanda.  Perhaps he will wait until your boys are grown, but it's clear that he is serious about the relationship with her.  I think he knows you very well and recognizes that you are easily appeased with things like Facebook posts, flowery cards, "engagement" photos, and the like. He shares this "for show" life with you.  But to whom does he reveal his hopes and dreams and disappointments?  When was the last time you actually had a prolonged, intimate discussion with him?  Not about the children or the house, but about your inner selves?

Look, it's possible you will out-wait Amanda.  She may decide she's waited long enough at some point, especially if your husband won't leave before your youngest child is 18.  But even if that happens, you will have a deeply unhappy man on your hands. He will see you as the reason she left and will resent you.  Her presence in his life is what allows him to stay with you and pretend to be the model husband. If she leaves either he will bite the bullet and leave, too, or he will find a replacement.  To think that this is simply a 4-year "fluke" is a child's thinking. 

Have you considered counseling to help you make sense of the situation, and especially why you are so committed to denying the facts that are staring you in the face?  I think you might benefit from the help of a counselor who can help you face the reality you are so intent on denying.  Don't you want to be with a man who actually loves you, not one who is biding his time until the next time he can be with his mistress?  A good counselor can help you make sense of this situation and develop a path forward.

 

Thank you @introverted1. I am finding it hard to think "building a life with Amanda" when he already has our fully functioning family and life but I understand what you are saying. It is not that I am easily appeased with those things but yes those things are important to me. 

"for show"-sounds like one of his text messages giving the assumption to her that all of his actions are for image only which I am sorry I think is full of s***, you aren't that great of an actor, I feel he just doesn't want to tell her he really does the things that he does because he wants to do those things with me.

Thank you @introverted1. Why "child thinking" 4 years vs over a decade of knowing each other, 10+ of those being married

Yes I have thought about counseling, and my friend is actually one (the one I confided in) but of course I would get one outside of her

 

 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 4:44 AM, Wiseman2 said:

What would "good news" constitute to you?

@Wiseman2 That he would have ended things.

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Finally able to write another update while at my sisters lake house. We are here and everyone has been having a good time. The kids are having a blast. My husband and I have been sitting by the lake talking, chatting about our kids, their futures, school, sports, etc. We have some good plans in place and I do believe he is such a great father, he has always thought about our children first. I am still pissed and it takes a lot for me to just stay silent, but then I look at our sons.

While being here, he has been pretty absent from his phone, leaving it most of the time in the bedside table. While our family was swimming in the lake, I went and looked at it again, and sure enough he has talked to her while we have been here. Not everyday but he has reached out to her. I even read something about them going on a vacation. I am not trying to bash anyone, but I think she is stupid. So am I, do not get me wrong. But at least I have him, we have our marriage. She is a woman that is pinning over a married man that chooses to stay with me every single day. That chooses to go on our vacations. That chooses to do all of the things we do. She isn't at the lake house. From what I read, she has been in some meetings trying to expand "their existing business" and he has texted her "how proud he is of her and what is in store". full of s***

They rarely change. This will never change.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 7:29 AM, introverted1 said:

I think you are underestimating the extent to which men bond through sex. Or, more accurately, that men need sex in order to feel bonded.

He is willing to break up your parental unit as long as he retains custody of the children.  That's what is significant about the offer he made previously.  This is not the sort of thing that is said in the heat of the moment during an argument.  It is something he thought through and presented in the hopes you would accept.  I am in the camp with those who believe he is buying a new house so you will have a place to live when he leaves.

So if I understand the timeline correctly, he was dating someone else when he got you pregnant (cheating on her, essentially), then got back together with her and then finally made the decision to have you live with him when you were 7 months along in your pregnancy? 

@introverted1 We have talked about this new house as of recently and all of his plans definitely include him living in the home, he has a lot of plans that all indicate this is for us.

He was dating someone, they stopped seeing each other, we started seeing each other again after years, we got pregnant within 4 months of seeing each other, he started seeing someone else as well during this time, at the 7 month mark, he moved me into his house. We have been together since. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 8:08 AM, kxpxsc3 said:

Former OW here.  Just wanted to give some of my perspective.  I feel a similarity between you and my xMM's now ex wife because she also knew I was around but turned a blind eye to keep the family unit together.   My xMM also would go on the occasional vacation with his family and I actually confronted him after I found an email to his wife (now ex-wife) signed Love You.  You know what he told me?  It was something along the lines of... "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay."   Makes me cringe to this day.  

Eventually I was sick of the situation so I walked away from him.  I concluded that he was a cake eater who wanted both women, and I never asked him or expect him to leave.  I was just so miserable not being able to have 'my man' that I went full blown no contact (NC).

One month later, he called me to say he can't live without me and that he's leaving.  I was SHOCKED ... I waited 3 years for him to make SOME kind of move, made peace with the fact that he would never leave, and all it took was walking away + 1 month of NC???

Our relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I did a LOT of reading about men and relationships in the aftermath of him leaving his wife.  I honestly believe that because I put my foot down and finally refused to be part of the dysfunction, that he left.  I say this loosely because I was, after all, the other woman, but I believe walking away increased my value in his eyes, and in turn motivated him to chose.  And I often times wondered if he had had any consequences from his wife, such as being thrown out, served divorce papers, or having the affair exposed to family/friends - if things would have been different for them.  But she never gave him a single consequence, was willing to tolerate it and work things out no matter what... even after he left and we started our "real" relationship,  there was a good 1.5 years of her begging, screaming, and guilting him about the kids into coming back.  Which he never did and he told me that her doing that is having the opposite effect (making him not want to return).

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

@kxpxsc3 "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay." to keep things afloat at home? just wow.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 9:07 AM, Prudence V said:

OK, I clearly phrased that badly. I didn’t mean, what colour is your favourite unicorn, I meant what outcome that is actually within your means to achieve, are you hoping for, here? Please set aside the magical thinking for a while. I’d love global warming to be reversed and world peace and universal justice to manifest, but all my wishing won’t make that happen - just as all your wishing won’t make Amanda disappear. The only two people who can effect that are Amanda, and “your” H (Amanda’s BF). There are things you can do, futures you can choose, that are within your sphere of influence - but that isn’t one of them. 
 

So let me ask again - of the actually possible futures (you accepting Amanda in your life, long-term / you giving him an ultimatum and being prepared for him to choose her / you making the decision to cut your losses and leave…), what are you working toward, here? 

@Prudence V I will never accept Amanda, she is not our marriage, she is not a part of our commitment. I will eventually tell him I know, and I know from that we can work on our marriage and she will be a distant memory.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 9:09 AM, Prudence V said:

I’m guessing that, if she were posting here, she’d be saying the same thing about you. 
 

Someone else mentioned it upthread, but have you given any serious consideration to the possibility of this being a “split-self” affair? 

I did read about slit self affair, possibly. I can't really wrap my head around it because I never saw my husband as marrying me out of doing the "right thing" we had love between us. We love each other. He loved what we were building.