My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Finally able to write another update while at my sisters lake house. We are here and everyone has been having a good time. The kids are having a blast. My husband and I have been sitting by the lake talking, chatting about our kids, their futures, school, sports, etc. We have some good plans in place and I do believe he is such a great father, he has always thought about our children first. I am still pissed and it takes a lot for me to just stay silent, but then I look at our sons.

While being here, he has been pretty absent from his phone, leaving it most of the time in the bedside table. While our family was swimming in the lake, I went and looked at it again, and sure enough he has talked to her while we have been here. Not everyday but he has reached out to her. I even read something about them going on a vacation. I am not trying to bash anyone, but I think she is stupid. So am I, do not get me wrong. But at least I have him, we have our marriage. She is a woman that is pinning over a married man that chooses to stay with me every single day. That chooses to go on our vacations. That chooses to do all of the things we do. She isn't at the lake house. From what I read, she has been in some meetings trying to expand "their existing business" and he has texted her "how proud he is of her and what is in store". full of s***

They rarely change. This will never change.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 7:29 AM, introverted1 said:

I think you are underestimating the extent to which men bond through sex. Or, more accurately, that men need sex in order to feel bonded.

He is willing to break up your parental unit as long as he retains custody of the children.  That's what is significant about the offer he made previously.  This is not the sort of thing that is said in the heat of the moment during an argument.  It is something he thought through and presented in the hopes you would accept.  I am in the camp with those who believe he is buying a new house so you will have a place to live when he leaves.

So if I understand the timeline correctly, he was dating someone else when he got you pregnant (cheating on her, essentially), then got back together with her and then finally made the decision to have you live with him when you were 7 months along in your pregnancy? 

@introverted1 We have talked about this new house as of recently and all of his plans definitely include him living in the home, he has a lot of plans that all indicate this is for us.

He was dating someone, they stopped seeing each other, we started seeing each other again after years, we got pregnant within 4 months of seeing each other, he started seeing someone else as well during this time, at the 7 month mark, he moved me into his house. We have been together since. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 8:08 AM, kxpxsc3 said:

Former OW here.  Just wanted to give some of my perspective.  I feel a similarity between you and my xMM's now ex wife because she also knew I was around but turned a blind eye to keep the family unit together.   My xMM also would go on the occasional vacation with his family and I actually confronted him after I found an email to his wife (now ex-wife) signed Love You.  You know what he told me?  It was something along the lines of... "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay."   Makes me cringe to this day.  

Eventually I was sick of the situation so I walked away from him.  I concluded that he was a cake eater who wanted both women, and I never asked him or expect him to leave.  I was just so miserable not being able to have 'my man' that I went full blown no contact (NC).

One month later, he called me to say he can't live without me and that he's leaving.  I was SHOCKED ... I waited 3 years for him to make SOME kind of move, made peace with the fact that he would never leave, and all it took was walking away + 1 month of NC???

Our relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I did a LOT of reading about men and relationships in the aftermath of him leaving his wife.  I honestly believe that because I put my foot down and finally refused to be part of the dysfunction, that he left.  I say this loosely because I was, after all, the other woman, but I believe walking away increased my value in his eyes, and in turn motivated him to chose.  And I often times wondered if he had had any consequences from his wife, such as being thrown out, served divorce papers, or having the affair exposed to family/friends - if things would have been different for them.  But she never gave him a single consequence, was willing to tolerate it and work things out no matter what... even after he left and we started our "real" relationship,  there was a good 1.5 years of her begging, screaming, and guilting him about the kids into coming back.  Which he never did and he told me that her doing that is having the opposite effect (making him not want to return).

I'm not a man so please men correct me if I'm wrong  but I believe men respect women who don't tolerate crap, which means being willing and able to WALK AWAY and mean it, no matter what (finances, kids, house, pension, etc).  I'm just telling you this because I truly don't believe he will give up Amanda voluntarily unless you confront him and he has CONSEQUENCES for his actions.  And also, if Amanda gets sick of his crap and walks away... it may just force his hand... so tread carefully.  Good luck!

@kxpxsc3 "You know I don't really feel this way but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay." to keep things afloat at home? just wow.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 9:07 AM, Prudence V said:

OK, I clearly phrased that badly. I didn’t mean, what colour is your favourite unicorn, I meant what outcome that is actually within your means to achieve, are you hoping for, here? Please set aside the magical thinking for a while. I’d love global warming to be reversed and world peace and universal justice to manifest, but all my wishing won’t make that happen - just as all your wishing won’t make Amanda disappear. The only two people who can effect that are Amanda, and “your” H (Amanda’s BF). There are things you can do, futures you can choose, that are within your sphere of influence - but that isn’t one of them. 
 

So let me ask again - of the actually possible futures (you accepting Amanda in your life, long-term / you giving him an ultimatum and being prepared for him to choose her / you making the decision to cut your losses and leave…), what are you working toward, here? 

@Prudence V I will never accept Amanda, she is not our marriage, she is not a part of our commitment. I will eventually tell him I know, and I know from that we can work on our marriage and she will be a distant memory.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 9:09 AM, Prudence V said:

I’m guessing that, if she were posting here, she’d be saying the same thing about you. 
 

Someone else mentioned it upthread, but have you given any serious consideration to the possibility of this being a “split-self” affair? 

I did read about slit self affair, possibly. I can't really wrap my head around it because I never saw my husband as marrying me out of doing the "right thing" we had love between us. We love each other. He loved what we were building. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

I don't think he doesn't want to be here. Our whole family is here. He loves making memories with our boys. As far as "raising concern" of course our family would ask why didn't make it if he decided not to, but I know that is not the reason why he is here. And if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be as involved as he is, he has a plan everyday for the boys.

Reality is that, from the perspective of an unhappy spouse, cheating stacks up surprisingly well versus simply divorcing in terms of harm done to the family. Particularly if never discovered.

Your husband may a good example of that in that he MAY be keeping it together with you for the kids and avoiding disrupting their life. You enjoy your life together as well. I'm sure this hurts you emotionally, but if you had not found out, well, you'd still be enjoying it the way you were before. Something of a "fool's paradise", but nonetheless.

I'm not so sure he will stay with you once he feels the kids are old enough. I think that remains to be seen. Either way there will be a price to pay for him as he will lose either you (and presumably a substantial portion of his assets) or her. But, as they say, one can't have it all.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 10:03 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Of course not. She is a drain on you/your family. He takes his energy to her.

You cook, clean, watch the kids, shop, do his laundry, feed him well and all that menial drudgery so he can be alive and up for her.

That's why he calls you 'woman of the house'. 

@Wiseman2From what I have read in their text messages, she does all of that as well except watch our kids. Including him changing his cleaner services to her personal cleaner services for his clothes.

I feel like a lot of posters are saying "woman of the house" as if that is a bad thing. I am the woman of the house.

[elaine567]

32 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

but I have to say it to keep things afloat at home and keep any questions at bay." to keep things afloat at home? just wow.

I am not sure why that would surprise you?
That is exactly what he is doing.
He is also playing Dad of the Year to make sure his boys are on his side, if/when he decides to leave...
You sound tremendously gullible and naïve as to how men in affairs operate.

Think about what is best FOR HIM and you won't go far wrong.

ATM it is best for him, that you are in the dark, and you continue as SuperMom to his boys.
The minute he thinks he can replace you with Amanda, (or even some other woman) you will be history... 

 

[elaine567]

49 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

He was dating someone, they stopped seeing each other, we started seeing each other again after years, we got pregnant within 4 months of seeing each other, he started seeing someone else as well during this time, at the 7 month mark, he moved me into his house. We have been together since. 

Yet...

13 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I did read about slit self affair, possibly. I can't really wrap my head around it because I never saw my husband as marrying me out of doing the "right thing" we had love between us. We love each other. He loved what we were building. 

Hardly the love story of the century.
He was cheating on you and you got pregnant... it is just soooo romantic...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

@HadMeOverABarrelI honestly do not know what I am going to do. I know I am not mentally there to confront him as of yet. I don't know if this is me wanting more information, more time to see his actions, or more time to see if he is going to do the right thing by dropping her knowing he wants his family.

I do want everyones advice and conclusions on things that I bring up that I see.

Imo, it is that you know the truth now but you're not ready to face it irl because you know once you do, your world as you now know it will forever be changed. You don't feel ready to take on such change. 

[Benaz]

I'm sorry to hear this. How are you handling it?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am not trying to bash anyone, but I think she is stupid. So am I, do not get me wrong. But at least I have him, we have our marriage. She is a woman that is pinning over a married man that chooses to stay with me every single day. That chooses to go on our vacations. That chooses to do all of the things we do. She isn't at the lake house. From what I read, she has been in some meetings trying to expand "their existing business" and he has texted her "how proud he is of her and what is in store". full of s*

Just a word of caution here...

I know it's cathartic to vent your frustrations about OW, but be wary about falling into the trap of feeling competitive with her. 

This is really about you and your husband and YOUR marriage together. Most of all, your husband owes you a duty of fidelity beyond society's ethics and values. He took vows to you, in front of witnesses, did he not?

I'm not defending her, but trying to help you stay focused on 1) the crux of the issue, mainly that your husband is deceiving you and breaking his marital vows to you, and 2) what you can do about it--focus on what YOU can control. 

You have the least control and influence over OW. Focusing your attention there is bound to leave you feeling confused and powerless. You have some influence over your husband (and other family members). You have 100% control over yourself, your choices, your actions.

Remember, gently, that part of the reason this continues is because you allow it. So far you've decided sacrificing your feelings, your voice, and to an extent, your personal power...that such sacrifice is more important to maintain status quo. In other words, you have chosen status quo over your feelings/voice/personal power.

The absolute truth is...you have a choice! Every single day you are exercising that choice by deciding what you will/won't say or do. I think you are afraid on some level. Maybe you're afraid that you'll never have better in your life than you have right now? Only you can know the answers. Only you can decide what is worth more to you between status quo and how it makes you feel. 

Lastly, have you noticed on the OW forum a trend for OW to blame, demonize, and compete against the wife? How helpful is that to them? Doing the same thing in reverse doesn't really help you either. If anything, it deflects responsibility from where it ultimately should lay--your husband (and to a lesser extent, your choice to accept it if such is the path you continue to choose).

Edited July 25, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 1:12 PM, Allupinnit said:

So your plan of action is to keep up the facade with him to everyone until you hope he eventually gets tired of her?

Does it not bother you at all that you have this huge gaping hole and secret in your marriage that you cannot talk about with the your life partner?  That he is giving things meant just for you, his body, his time, his affection - to someone else?  I don't think you'll ever be enough for him alone.  

He's got the "perfect" family life that you love to brag about on here, and his sexy vixen on the side he can have intellectual conversations with while you're busy washing his underwear and shuttling his boys around.  He most likely thinks that's all you're good for, propping up the fake life with him and keeping your mouth shut.  The "woman of the house" - I'm sorry but that is the unsexiest thing EVER.

Guess what?  It's a house of cards.  Social media is a lie.  You are living a LIE.  It is only a matter of time before the sh*t hits the fan and this "great all-around family man with the perfect kids and friends" has his mask slip.  His family obviously knows and is keeping up the lie on their end too!  How can you live this way?!!  

@Allupinnit I do hope he gets tired of her but I am just preparing myself to finally confront him. I feel weak even thinking about bringing this up, I am just not ready. I take it I am waiting for something but I honestly do not know what.

I just brought this up "woman of the house", I am the woman of the house as I am the only girl in a house full of 5 people. Why is this considered a bad thing?

Why do you think social media is a lie? Everything posted is real not staged. They are actually happening so how is that a lie.

The only person he has talked to about this is his brother. They are very close knit so if anyone was to know about this craziness it would be him. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 1:31 PM, BaileyB said:

“If all of the raindrops were jellybeans and gum drops, oh what a world it would be…”

The fact that you say OP you hope he eventually tires of his affair partner and recommits fo you and your marriage is about as realistic as this children’s song. Wishful thinking… Even if she does walk away, you are still left with a man who has lied to you, betrayed you, and stays with you out of obligation more than anything else. That’s not a “win” in my book. 

@BaileyB"stays with you out of obligation more than anything else."-Isn't obligation a part of life? 

I do look at the picture of his lies and deceit, and I suppose I am looking at this as a rough patch. Yes I do expect him to "recommit to me and our marriage"-he knows me, I know him, we have built a life, we have children, etc

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V I will never accept Amanda, she is not our marriage, she is not a part of our commitment. I will eventually tell him I know, and I know from that we can work on our marriage and she will be a distant memory.

She is very much part of your marriage so long as the affair continues. 

I think your making some assumptions here about what will happen when you eventually tell him you know. 

Playing devil's advocate, maybe he'll take that you've known as your acceptance of it so he can continue...because no matter what you say to him, the rest of you continued to show up like you're ok with what he's doing. 

Also, you have zero control over her being a distant memory. You would be wiser to plan for the worst while you are hoping for the best. You also can't force him to work on your marriage and cannot be certain that he will choose to do so. 

[BaileyB]

I’m curious, why are you posting when you are on vacation and enjoying time with your family? Why are you spending hours going back over old posts to argue with strangers in the internet? 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 2:56 PM, Pumpernickel said:

As a former OW who got “chosen“ let me tell you the following: they do leave if they want to. Yes, he kept appearances up for several reasons, eg in order to protect property & the children who were teenagers at that time, so therefore he never told anybody about us, let alone his brother. That never happened. It did make me suspicious, but he divorced her eventually, against her will. The fact that your WS told a family member about Amanda speaks volumes in my opinion. That’s all I ever wanted as an ow back in the days - that he would share his predicament with s/o who was close to him. But he didn’t. He planned and processed things his own way - and then he left her. That’s just my personal cautionary tale for you, & this is why all the things he does with you and your family don’t mean much in my opinion. 

 

My xMM did the same, vacations and such, family barbecues, Valentine’s dinners, birthdays, family get-togethers, weddings, and it annoyed the hell out of me on occasion, but he reassured me over and over again that these things meant nothing in the great scheme of things. He divorced her anyways. She knew about me, too, and would have put up with the A. Maybe indefinitely. Even that didn’t stop him. 

Thank you @Pumpernickelfor sharing your story as a former OW. I really do appreciate these perspectives. 

"vacations and such, family barbecues, Valentine’s dinners, birthdays, family get-togethers, weddings" wow he actually said those things meant nothing. Just wow.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/16/2021 at 3:03 PM, LostinLove2 said:

How long were you the OW before he finally chose you? Did he promise you he would divorce eventually? Are you still together and happy now? I have so many questions 

I would like to know as well. As I have seen in the OW thread, if they aren't leaving at around the 2 year mark, they won't leave so I suppose she was chosen within that time frame. My husband, this is 4 years so I assume he is stringing Amanda along. Just wish he would cut the string already.

[RebeccaR]

8 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Yes I do expect him to "recommit to me and our marriage"-he knows me, I know him, we have built a life, we have children, etc

Oh my goodness - I would hazard to say most people who divorce do have children? 

also, wondering what was his rationale for starting to see another woman while you were pregnant? He “moved you into his house” at 7 months - was it not a joint decision, and why not sooner if you had both agreed to have the baby? Did he ever suggest you terminate while he was getting another girlfriend?

 It seems your whole marriage was one he didn’t even want.

[RebeccaR]

8 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I would like to know as well. As I have seen in the OW thread, if they aren't leaving at around the 2 year mark, they won't leave so I suppose she was chosen within that time frame. My husband, this is 4 years so I assume he is stringing Amanda along. Just wish he would cut the string already.

But he is unusually attached to his children and unlike most husbands, he doesn’t consider you a mother capable of raising them, which might be why he’s hesitant to leave you. Again, as others have asked, is there a particular reason he doesn’t trust you to raise the kids?

Edited July 25, 2021 by RebeccaR
Typo

[husbandcheating]

On 7/18/2021 at 2:17 AM, elaine567 said:

 

Your best friend is IMO SO wrong. in her assessment of the situation, I guess she is trying to make you feel better.
He is spending 10 days with you at your sister's,  as he can't justify not going, not because  Amanda means so little to him....

Why not?  She has been his mistress, lover, confidante and friend for 4 years. 
This is the trouble with infidelity, it is not often just about sex, it is about emotional connection with a third party, and is very often a huge betrayal of the original primary unit.
Your life with him and his feelings about you and his married life, he is discussing in detail with Amanda.
He does not discuss her with you, so they are now essentially "the couple" and you are now the outsider, unfortunately.

All the things you value as being signs he loves you madly passionately deeply have been exposed as likely false, in these texts to Amanda, 
Maybe now you will see the true instability of the situation you find yourself in.
 

@elaine567 "they are now essentially "the couple" and you are now the outsider" I think this is kind of too much

[husbandcheating]

On 7/18/2021 at 2:25 AM, assertives said:

Sounds exactly like what everyone have been saying on here. You may not have intended for it to be fake but to him, he's faking it and putting on a false front for everyone else. It's fake for him. And it's true that this happy family is a façade as obviously not everything is sunshine and rainbows in your family because obviously he's cheating.

@assertives I do believe he is just telling her anything to continue to get whatever he is getting from her. My husband can't be "fake" as such. We do too many things with family, can you imagine being "fake" like that, that would drive someone insane. There has to be a level of enjoyment, and truth for these things to happen in my opinion. 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/18/2021 at 4:26 AM, RebeccaR said:

But look at the parallel: You haven’t sat him down and said “hey babe, I am upset that you are cheating” yet you are 

@RebeccaR true. I am just not ready as of yet. I suppose I still want to see how far this ridiculousness will last.

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

 "they are now essentially "the couple" and you are now the outsider" I think this is kind of too much

Elaine means in an emotional sense, they are sharing emotional couplehood while you are afraid to even bring up the subject with him. This is a huge chasm - an inability to communicate honestly and openly. Surely if this is a meaningless casual crush, he will come to his senses if you tell him how much it upsets you? The fact you have to hide your feelings speaks volumes.

[RebeccaR]

Just now, husbandcheating said:

I suppose I still want to see how far this ridiculousness will last

It might last a very long time