My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

She is very much part of your marriage so long as the affair continues. 

I think your making some assumptions here about what will happen when you eventually tell him you know. 

Playing devil's advocate, maybe he'll take that you've known as your acceptance of it so he can continue...because no matter what you say to him, the rest of you continued to show up like you're ok with what he's doing. 

Also, you have zero control over her being a distant memory. You would be wiser to plan for the worst while you are hoping for the best. You also can't force him to work on your marriage and cannot be certain that he will choose to do so. 

@HadMeOverABarrelThank you for this.  No I cannot force him to work on our marriage but I do believe he will choose that path.

[torn_heart]

OP to be quite honest, I do believe your husband won't leave, but the fact that you know and don't tell him is not doing you any good mentally. If you know confront him a find a way to work it out. Delaying it will make it worse.

[RebeccaR]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Again he has made very poor decisions but when he decided to marry me, all those things went out the window.

Apparently not. He serially made and continues to make these bad decisions. That is what you are refusing to accept. 

Assuming he breaks things off with Amanda - how do you trust him in the future? 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

@assertives I do believe he is just telling her anything to continue to get whatever he is getting from her. My husband can't be "fake" as such. We do too many things with family, can you imagine being "fake" like that, that would drive someone insane. There has to be a level of enjoyment, and truth for these things to happen in my opinion. 

Truth  is he is telling you "anything" so as not to rock the boat in case it harms his children... He has a huge motivation to keep you sweet, at least at the moment.,.

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Again he has made very poor decisions but when he decided to marry me, all those things went out the window.

Until he decided 4 years ago to acquire a mistress, lest we forget

[heartwhole2]

I said this in my prior comment, but it bears repeating. None of us can control our partners. None of us can guarantee that our partner won't up and leave us today. That is something is important to accept. I hope you are seeing a counselor, and if not, that you will sign up asap. Therapy is great for working on acceptance.

When my husband cheated, it wasn't a particularly long (not quite six months) affair, and they only spent two nights together on the same continent. So I think the rational part of my brain knew that the odds of him leaving me for her were slim. But still, I had to accept that I couldn't control it either way. More importantly, I had to figure out what *I* would and wouldn't accept. 

I wish I could promise you that he won't leave, or help you make sense of this situation, but all I can contribute is that he doesn't want to give either one of you up. I dug deep into my self love and decided that I didn't want a partner -- even my literal husband and the father of my children -- who had trouble deciding between me and another woman. This love triangle was some contrived BS. I wasn't going to plead with him to pick me . . . he already did that on our wedding day! I gave quite a monologue about my sexiness and how I was sure I could find someone else to love me, so he should just go be with this other person because I wasn't sure he deserved me anymore anyway. 

I'm glad that I got angry and stood up for myself. Yes, it was scary. I don't work and I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing so. I had two very small children. But I just had to put my trust into the universe that we would be OK either way. I just wasn't going to accept this ridiculous, contrived situation he created with his conflict avoidance. He could end it and work tirelessly to change and make amends, or we could get divorced. But I wasn't going to sit around patting his knee while he dreamed of his girlfriend.

And my two cents is that you don't need to worry about blaming the OW less at this time. You are not feeling angry enough; any expression of anger is useful in helping you start to reject this situation. I have always tried to be kind and compassionate to OW, even my own, but this is the infidelity forum and you have every right to be mad about this situation. Let that anger spark you into action!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/18/2021 at 3:55 AM, husbandcheating said:

I am still responding to everyone, but I just wanted to update everyone on what I saw. Yes the night our son came in with his phone, I logged off to look at it extensively. I did not go to sleep at all that night looking through hundreds of text messages between them. I am in a world of hurt, I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks Amanda is nothing because if she was really something to him, he wouldn't be going on our 10 day trip to my sisters. I did a lot of key word searches in the texts and it showed me things specifically. Some things I would like to share:

1. He has told her he loved her numerous times and her as well (I don't think too much into that because you can tell anyone you love them especially if you are trying to get something from them, for example, sex)

2. He has told her these things specifically: 

-he has been checked out for a very long time, before our second child was born, we have three (how is it that one is checked out but we are still having children together)

-as long as his children was happy, his happiness didn't matter anymore and he has been committed to that decision (I think this is utter bullshit as we have had so many happy moments during these years and my husband has never mentioned him being unhappy, in all of our years being married, not once has sat me down and said "Hey babe I am unhappy!"

-when out first born was born, he realized that he was in love with his son and not anything else and that fatherhood means everything to him since our first took his first breath- This was very sweet to see but again why is he sharing with her these things, according to my best friend, to continue to having sex with her

-he was ok staying because he didn't want to start over and that he has known for a very long time and again as long as the kids are happy-"didn't want to start over"? I don't even know what to say to this

-His Family, friends, and how I have "clung to them" and that he has never wanted to take that away from me- this is such a bunch of bullshit, of course I have attached myself to them, we have been together and then married, I have a small group of friends but yes mostly his friends I consider my friends.

-"I do love her family and get along with them more than I do her"- I don't understand the point of even saying this, I guess this was to add more fluff

-"I do love her of course but not in love"- THIS IS SUCH A COMMON THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY-we know that this is lies as my best friend said

-"She really doesn't love me, she is in love with the time we have under our belts, the idea of it all, she has complained about who I am as a person and we really do not connect as such, I do consider her a friend, we can laugh, joke, talk but its not what I've read about" "If she were to really look things, she would know she doesn't love me in that way either"- How can you even say this to anyone? I do love him!

-"She loves social media, but to me its an absolute opportunity for people to be their fake selves. I go along with it and when she starts to say something, I will throw a post in so I can have my peace. Can you imagine someone expecting social media? She doesn't say it often but I know her, she loves the likes and she likes to share things that are real when it comes to our children and the fake selves of our marriage, its an IMAGE" -I think this is a bunch of bullshit as well. Yes I do love being on social media as we have family all over the world and this is a way to connect with them and let them see what is going on in our lives as a marital unit, as a family! I don't STAGE photos so how in the hell can he say its FAKE????! AN IMAGE????????? He really is laying things on thick.

-"Her and I were raised different so I don't want the kids to not be in a two parent household, our boys will be raised to hell if she was primarily in the home, they would think the world owed them something and wouldn't know the meaning of hard work." -Yes, we were raised different, what is the point of sharing it with her? That is none of her God forsaken business. 

-She really isn't a self starter- I have gotten her every single job she has had, through my family or my friends. She doesn't have any fire under her ass. - Yes he has gotten me every single job I have had, He OFFERED.-after this particular text, he complimented her on how she has a flourishing business that she built from the ground up as well as other philanthropic events she is involved in that she created and how much she is a "go getter" -I actually cannot believe he is sharing these things with her.

 

There is more but I am getting so angry typing this out. What do you all think about these specifics.

I have just read this post.

Here is what I think about it: 😔

and then: 🤦

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@introverted1 We have talked about this new house as of recently and all of his plans definitely include him living in the home, he has a lot of plans that all indicate this is for us.

Of course this is what he says.  He already offered once to buy a house for you so he could leave with the boys and you turned him down.  So the only way to achieve that goal is to pretend he plans to live with you. Once the house has been purchased, he will find reasons not to move out of his house.  He will have the perfect opportunity to test drive co-parenting from separate residences. He'll also have the perfect set-up for seeing Amanda more often, including at night.

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V I will never accept Amanda, she is not our marriage, she is not a part of our commitment. I will eventually tell him I know, and I know from that we can work on our marriage and she will be a distant memory.

It doesn't matter whether you accept Amanda.  Your husband has.  I don't think things will work out the way you think they will when you confront him.  Actually, I don't think you are so confident, either, or else you'd have done it by now.

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Why do you think social media is a lie? Everything posted is real not staged. They are actually happening so how is that a lie.

It's a lie not because the things you or he posts didn't actually happen, but because it's a small slice of his life, not the totality of it.  I asked you before you did not answer:  when was the last time you had an intimate conversation with your husband?  Not a conversation about the house or the kids, but one in which you are both sharing hopes and dreams and vulnerabilities? 

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

@RebeccaRIt was a joint decision once he brought it to my attention. My husband and I may have not the perfect love story but it has been ours. From the moment we were a couple again, he always told me if I last, we would get married. Then of course we had an unplanned pregnancy, he still remained true to that fact. Yes when our first born was a baby, there was someone I found out about and that didn't last. We married and we have been committed since. I never pressed the issue of marriage, so how is it one that he did not want? 

What you should see here is that your husband has never been all in with you. What he has been committed to -- and apparently remains committed to -- is your children.  He married you because you were pregnant, not because he loved you and wanted to forego all others.  In fact, he did not forego others. He dated someone else while you were pregnant.  This is not the stuff of a love story.  This is the stuff of a man who was trying to do the "right" thing by marrying his pregnant gf.  And at some point 4 years ago (and maybe sooner - we have no idea if this is his first affair), he grew hungry enough for love to take up with Amanda, with whom he shares intimacy both physical and emotional, and with whom he is building his future.

 

59 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

@BaileyBI am not saying he isnt a bad person, well his actions are in very poor taste. I still don't understand why he would do this. I just dont see him "building a life" with a woman he won't even communicate with. I dont see him "building a life" with a woman that he can't spend our holidays with or bring around family. That really isn't a life well built to me.

You can deny this all you like, but he has told family that he loves her, he has moved assets into her account(s), he is in daily contact with her, he is working on buying a house so you and the boys will have a place to live.

[heartwhole2]

I certainly don't want to give the OP any reason for false hope, but I will say that during the affair, my husband believed all these things . . . that he'd been unhappy for a long time, that he wouldn't leave me because "you can't unring that bell" but hypothetically wouldn't it be nice to be together, etc.

If you asked him if he still felt any of this was true today, he would so emphatically, so sincerely refute it. All he feels when he thinks of the affair is shame. It's very easy to feel those kind of things are true in the fiction based bubble of an affair. Had he been unhappy for a long time? No, only a little while, as my health grew poor and he adjusted to fatherhood. Mostly he was unhappy because he was a grown up and couldn't have everything he wanted. He lacked empathy for what I was going through. He blamed me for what was just . . . life. And certainly when he was forced to choose, he quickly became a sad puppy who was completely devoted to me and who "couldn't believe that it felt like we were on a second honeymoon." 

But again, every situation is different. I can't advice you on whether your husband will choose you or his side chick because it's a BS position to be in. Just . . . what? I don't want a marriage where we aren't best friends, where we don't share everything. I don't want just OK, or just good enough. I deserve more than that, and I'll find it with someone else if something happens to my marriage. You can't make anyone else love you, but you can, you must, always love yourself.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

when our first born was a baby, there was someone I found out about and that didn't last

Is that what you are betting on in this case? Do you suspect there were others as well?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I dont see him "building a life" with a woman that he can't spend our holidays with or bring around family. That really isn't a life well built to me.

Your opinion doesn’t matter, it’s not your relationship. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I do not inherit the house if something happens to him, it will go to our son.

That seems obvious, considering that you name is not on the title of the home you share with your husband. 

As I said, you will be relying on his goodwill…which would be an uncomfortable place for me to be. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

you will be relying on his goodwill…

And Amanda’s. Luckily Amanda seems like a sympathetic person, but who knows.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

he is working on buying a house so you and the boys will have a place to live.

Yes and I thought he is then free to sell his own property, the ex family home, but he may not want to sell it, he may have plans...
Once the OP moves out, he can move Amanda into the then vacant property.
A property he alone owns... the perfect place for the boys...
No disruption, they can even keep their own rooms... "Dad of the Year"  can do no wrong...
The only fly in the ointment is the OP, but if he can persuade her to move out into a new house, she is powerless to stop him.

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

. My husband would never not be in the same home as our boys, everyday. Ever

He doesn't have to, as the boys will be living with him a lot of the time.....

Edited July 25, 2021 by elaine567

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Just a word of caution here...

I know it's cathartic to vent your frustrations about OW, but be wary about falling into the trap of feeling competitive with her. 

This is really about you and your husband and YOUR marriage together. Most of all, your husband owes you a duty of fidelity beyond society's ethics and values. He took vows to you, in front of witnesses, did he not?

I'm not defending her, but trying to help you stay focused on 1) the crux of the issue, mainly that your husband is deceiving you and breaking his marital vows to you, and 2) what you can do about it--focus on what YOU can control. 

You have the least control and influence over OW. Focusing your attention there is bound to leave you feeling confused and powerless. You have some influence over your husband (and other family members). You have 100% control over yourself, your choices, your actions.

Remember, gently, that part of the reason this continues is because you allow it. So far you've decided sacrificing your feelings, your voice, and to an extent, your personal power...that such sacrifice is more important to maintain status quo. In other words, you have chosen status quo over your feelings/voice/personal power.

The absolute truth is...you have a choice! Every single day you are exercising that choice by deciding what you will/won't say or do. I think you are afraid on some level. Maybe you're afraid that you'll never have better in your life than you have right now? Only you can know the answers. Only you can decide what is worth more to you between status quo and how it makes you feel. 

Lastly, have you noticed on the OW forum a trend for OW to blame, demonize, and compete against the wife? How helpful is that to them? Doing the same thing in reverse doesn't really help you either. If anything, it deflects responsibility from where it ultimately should lay--your husband (and to a lesser extent, your choice to accept it if such is the path you continue to choose).

@HadMeOverABarrelThank you for this. I'm just not ready to confront him and I know that looks like I am turning a blind eye. Yes I am very afraid of the outcome even though I am 95% sure that my husband would never leave me or us. I know that he is the root cause of all of this, I am just frustrated that Amanda doesn't seem to go away.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

, I am just frustrated that Amanda doesn't seem to go away.

Why would she?
She smells the whiff of success.
Rebecca is correct, she can afford to play Lady Bountiful, she sees you as no threat...
 

[husbandcheating]

My husband said tomorrow we should make it a date day and night. Just the two of us because "what is a vacation without a date"..

and most of you think this is for "show?" but how is this for show if it is us.

Sidenote: he has not been around his phone for the last 3 days so Amanda definitely hasn't spoken to him in that amount of time I know for sure. I mentioned this previously today, I would be damned if someone I was supposedly doing things with wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. That shows PLENTY of how he feels about her in the grand scheme of things. DAYS without talking to me is a slap in my face. That's why when posters say "he is building a life" building a life with someone who he doesn't want even know how their day went every day or feel the need or want to talk to them. Can you posters explain your views on this? 3 whole days without communication, I would never. 

[husbandcheating]

5 hours ago, Benaz said:

I'm sorry to hear this. How are you handling it?

Thank you @Benaz I am just trying to figure it all out. 

[husbandcheating]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Imo, it is that you know the truth now but you're not ready to face it irl because you know once you do, your world as you now know it will forever be changed. You don't feel ready to take on such change. 

@HadMeOverABarrelI can agree with this. I am not ready to confront my husband and have things shift especially with our sons. I also want to keep observing as well to be honest.

[S2B]

Three days? Hmmm, my best guess is that Amanda is on vacation! That’s also why your husband suggested the date day/night.

 

[husbandcheating]

21 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband said tomorrow we should make it a date day and night. Just the two of us because "what is a vacation without a date"..

and most of you think this is for "show?" but how is this for show if it is us.

Sidenote: he has not been around his phone for the last 3 days so Amanda definitely hasn't spoken to him in that amount of time I know for sure. I mentioned this previously today, I would be damned if someone I was supposedly doing things with wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. That shows PLENTY of how he feels about her in the grand scheme of things. DAYS without talking to me is a slap in my face. That's why when posters say "he is building a life" building a life with someone who he doesn't want even know how their day went every day or feel the need or want to talk to them. Can you posters explain your views on this? 3 whole days without communication, I would never. 

Was talking to my friend about this and she agrees with me. There is a quote something like a man who doesn't want to talk to you every day doesn't want you or something along the lines of that she mentioned. Things like this makes me hope she will go be with someone that wants to be with her in that sense and that does not include my husband. He could never go DAYS without speaking to me. 

[husbandcheating]

Just now, S2B said:

Three days? Hmmm, my best guess is that Amanda is on vacation! That’s also why your husband suggested the date day/night.

 

From what I read, I do not think that is the case. As they were talking about her taking meetings and expanding. I want to take a look at his phone now to see, I haven't looked in days.

[S2B]

Amanda isn’t going away. 
she’s been a significant part of his life for a long long time. 
 

don’t hope for something that’s never going to happen. You either change it or accept it.

seems like you’ll accept it.

[husbandcheating]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Three days? Hmmm, my best guess is that Amanda is on vacation! That’s also why your husband suggested the date day/night.

 

Three days is significant don't you think? It shows volumes! 

[husbandcheating]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Amanda isn’t going away. 
she’s been a significant part of his life for a long long time. 
 

don’t hope for something that’s never going to happen. You either change it or accept it.

seems like you’ll accept it.

Thank you @S2B and this isnt to sound cocky, but I am have been in his life for way more significant years, through many of trying of times. 4 years hardly compares to over two decades.

I will not accept Amanda, at all.