My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

If I can summarize the past 24 pages, the list looks like this:

• Your husband cheated when you were pregnant with your first child
• He cheated after your first child was born
• He married you out of obligation (pregnancy)
• He's cheating now with Amanda
• He offered to buy you a house if you would agree to let him leave with the boys (and NO, this is not the type of thing said in anger during an argument)
• He's told his brother and family that he loves Amanda
• He's invested significant amounts of money into a business venture with Amanda
• He's looking into buying land/house with Amanda
• You and he argue and say "terrible things"
• He does not engage in intimate conversations with you and your sex life is minimal
• He shares intimacy -- physical and emotional -- with Amanda.
• He has never put you on the deed to his house that he jointly owns with his mother
• He's trying to buy a new house "with" you that many here believe he will not live in with you

It doesn't look good.

 

 

Well, when you put it that way…

No, it doesn’t look good. And, it’s hard to understand why anyone would want this man for their partner.

Edited July 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

22 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I do not inherit the house if something happens to him, it will go to our son. His mother and himself are on the house. My husband is very fiscally responsible, he has a lot of provisions in place. I have no doubt that everyone would be taken care of even extended family. He is quite ok.

I have not yet caught up completely on the thread, but for crying out loud! Don't you see he's taken care of everyone but YOU!!!??? I don't care if it IS his "family" home.  I can tell you right now, unless my husband put me on the deed, I would insist on buying a different house with my name on the deed. 

Oh, and don't respond with "But he IS buying a house for US" because I am still convinced he's buying a house for YOU to live in, probably located in your sons' school district, to make it easier for a shared custody agreement. But really, how will you ever know until you finally decide to confront him?
 

Edited July 26, 2021 by vla1120

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Sidenote: he has not been around his phone for the last 3 days so Amanda definitely hasn't spoken to him in that amount of time I know for sure. I mentioned this previously today, I would be damned if someone I was supposedly doing things with wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. That shows PLENTY of how he feels about her in the grand scheme of things. DAYS without talking to me is a slap in my face. That's why when posters say "he is building a life" building a life with someone who he doesn't want even know how their day went every day or feel the need or want to talk to them. Can you posters explain your views on this? 3 whole days without communication, I would never. 

You do not know that he's not had communication with her in three days. They might be using a hidden app to communicate or maybe he's been using a computer and emailing her. Maybe they're not, and maybe you're right. Either way, she knows he's with his family right now and cannot have constant contact with her. She's willing to wait....for YOUR man...to contact her when he has time. 

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Was talking to my friend about this and she agrees with me. There is a quote something like a man who doesn't want to talk to you every day doesn't want you or something along the lines of that she mentioned. Things like this makes me hope she will go be with someone that wants to be with her in that sense and that does not include my husband. He could never go DAYS without speaking to me. 

So...it's okay if he tells this OW that he loves her...that he wants to build a life with her...that he likes you family more than he likes you...as long as he's not doing it every day, it cannot be that serious?? I am trying to understand your thought process and why you are accepting the betrayal. Whether or not he stays with you, or leaves you for her, you've mentioned how many times he has betrayed you with other women. It is the betrayal I would not be able to (and was NOT able to) get past. 

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @S2B and this isnt to sound cocky, but I am have been in his life for way more significant years, through many of trying of times. 4 years hardly compares to over two decades.

I will not accept Amanda, at all. 

But he will, and has, so it really does not matter what YOU will accept.

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

HC has not said she's OK with cheating, just that she's not ready to confront yet. So what can we do to help her get ready?

The first step is to admit there is a problem. HC is convinced he is more committed to her than he is to Amanda. Others on this board do not see it that way because he has taken steps to build a business with Amanda, all the while making sure is name is nowhere on the business, probably so that money from that business cannot be used as an asset during the divorce proceedings. He told his own brother he plans to be with Amanda. That speaks volumes to me.

I was a BS, while I was pregnant with his child, no less. So I understand what it is like to try to navigate the betrayal and keep your family together. The difference is that I confronted him immediately. He begged me not to leave. I insisted on MC and also sought IC. I'm afraid the OP is afraid to confront him because she is afraid of the outcome. Right now, she has the illusion of controlling the outcome because, as long as she does not confront him, the status quo will remain just that. As soon as she decides to confront him, her whole world could turn upside down (whether or not he goes or stays.) I understand that. I've been there, done that. What I don't understand is her insistence that Amanda means nothing to her husband, and he will pick their family over his OW. I think in her mind, it might be worth it to just wait Amanda out and not create any unnecessary friction with a confrontation. That way, her little corner of the world remains intact. It's a personal choice that I would not have chosen, but I do not walk in the OP's shoes. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

have you given any thought to what this is doing to your kids?

Almost every BS I have ever met/talked with thinks they have done a good job of shielding their kids. I did too-at least until the day my younger daughter asked me what it meant that daddy was cheating on me ( I don't remember her exact words anymore, but I was shocked at the time). It turned out she had overheard our next door neighbours taking while she was over at their house playing with their little girl. They were about six at the time.

Whatever choices you make, please keep in ind that if you think your marriage ending is in the cards, do it in such a way that you don't disparage their dad to them. That's going to be a lot harder the longer you allow this to continue.

[MilaVaneela]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well, when you put it that way…

No, it doesn’t look good. And, it’s hard to understand why anyone would want this man for their partner.

That was my thoughts exactly. After looking at @introverted1’s summary… the whole of this man’s actions scream control, control, control. He has a grip on the house and all the finances… he has the attitude that HE has to raise the boys for them to be raised properly… all the while trashing HC behind her back. My skin crawls reading this.
 

OP, why do you cling to this controlling, disrespectful man so hard? 

Edited July 27, 2021 by MilaVaneela

[heartwhole2]

Yes, he's definitely controlling and entitled. 

When someone has spent years putting you on the defensive and acting like he's selfless and you're not, it can be hard to see through it. But his actions say it all. These are not the actions of a good, faithful, kind person. These are the actions of a selfish, entitled, condescending person who has no trouble lying and cheating and planning to stab you in the back.

Talking to a lawyer should be something you do immediately when you get back from vacation. Does it matter that your name isn't on the house? What would happen if you bought a second home and then divorced? You need to know all of this stuff. 

[heartwhole2]

I've done some rereading of your thread, and I see some patterns. I think you are a "glass half full" person. You often list the things he does as proof that you have a real marriage. It's good to be an optimist, but it's not good to ignore things that are harmful to you and your children. I encourage you to move past thinking, "But date night! But vacation! But social media posts!" Those things don't tell the whole picture. In fact, they tell some of the least important parts of the picture. It's very easy to portray yourself a certain way on social media without it being the whole truth. It's very easy to plan a date or a vacation. But those things themselves do not translate into intimacy. 

It sounds like you have all the intimacy that you want. He listens when you talk about your dreams. You don't desire a physical relationship beyond the kisses and embraces he gives you. But what indication do you have that you have a marriage that he finds fulfilling? What do you make of the fact that he's having sex with someone else but not with you? What if, instead of talking your way out of that being a big red flag, you just sat with it. You just sit still and tell yourself all the things that are so hard to hear. "My husband is betraying me. My husband is having sex with someone else. My husband is making plans with someone else. I have to find out about my husband by hacking into his phone. He doesn't share himself with me. I can't have the marriage that I want because my husband has already destroyed it." 

You can't focus on a small part of the picture and declare it to tell the whole story. You have to look at the whole picture. And that picture involves someone who, at best, feels familial love for you and enjoys spending time with you and who, at worst, tolerates what he must do to keep you placated so he can remain living with his kids. I'm afraid that no one who looks at this picture is going to think, "Oh, yup, Amanda is just a blip because he's just momentarily forgotten how much he enjoys an honest, monogamous relationship with HusbandCheating." It's going to be a hard road. And you've known since February. If you haven't taken any concrete actions yet (counselor, lawyer, doctor, emotional support, plan for ending your limbo), then please let us help you. 

There just really isn't any way to view this as a blip. And you know that, don't you? Wouldn't you have confronted him already if you were so sure that Amanda will get the axe once he has to choose? That's why your reasoning is so circular, a sorry old pretzel. It doesn't make sense because it's the fear talking, not your smart brain which is ready to help you get out of this ridiculous situation once you banish the fear to a corner.

[Prudence V]

HC, it seems you’re posting here to seek reassurance, and no one is providing it. The merest hint of anyone dissenting from the main gets you grasping eagerly at straws, desperate for someone to agree with you that Amanda is just a blip and your WH will soon revert to his ground state - a devoted, monogamous H who loves only you and would never leave. 

However, as many have pointed out, that “ground state” seems to be your own projection, constructed out of half-truths and glaring omissions, when in reality he’s at best been one-foot in, the whole time - with other partners on the go from the very outset of your R. 
 

Half a marriage might be good enough for you (if not for him) - but your constant fretting and checking of his phone suggests you’re not entirely happy about this. Please don’t let yourself get blindsided by what may happen. Your friend is telling you what you want (need?) to hear, but you have his own words about where his head and heart are at, and you ignore them at your peril. 

[tynkrbel]

I don't see this as a problem for You, nor for Him.  You 'justify' tolerating this and You 'excuse' what's He's doing (has done) for three YEARS !!   

Why not just give it another 3 years ??  and then 3 more ?? ?? 

You seem perfectly fine with what He's doing - just know that He could burst Your 'bubble' at any time.  It's been 3 YEARS, at some point the other Woman is going to want Him to come through with all the promises He has made to Her, after all, it seems They are buying a house together - what if She wants Children ??

  It's NOT in Your interest, or Your Children's to allow this to continue.

 Your Husband is fooling two very foolish Women.  He's a dog

[solostand]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:43 PM, husbandcheating said:

we have too much history to throw away.

Sounds like she and him have a bit of a history thing going on there too. She is no doubt saying the same thing to herself daily. Three years is a long time for an affair. He sounds like he's in love with her. Prepare for the worst.

[heartwhole2]

Another way you can reframe your thinking is to think about how silly it would be to say:

"He's a good employee. His constant stealing is only a small part of what kind of employee he is." 

"She's a good teacher. Yes, she's constantly drunk on the job, but she's so talented and she cares so much."

When somebody crosses an uncrossable line, they don't get to erase it with the good things they do. The line has been crossed. That's what you have to deal with.

 

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, solostand said:

Sounds like she and him have a bit of a history thing going on there too. She is no doubt saying the same thing to herself daily. Three years is a long time for an affair. He sounds like he's in love with her. Prepare for the worst.

It’s four years, apparently. 

[husbandcheating]

Hello all,

Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I still will answer individually but here is an update.

My husband indeed did not talk to her for a couple of days, but he picked back up. As soon as we came home from the lake house, he dropped us and our luggage at home and said he had errands to run. Later that evening, I looked and saw that he went straight to her home. YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT-WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE ON YOU??????? TO WHERE YOU DROP YOUR FAMILY OFF AND RUN TO HER HOME. We also had another affair to attend as a unit so we attended that, and you guessed it the next day he said he had work, in which I did believe him, but he spent the whole day with her and had the audacity to text her "I wish I be with you more than not" distasteful! I have also seen messages between them where they refer to each others children as their own. She calls my boys her stepchildren" and he calls her children "his stepchildren". What kind of atrocity is this??????!!!!!! I even found out that a lot of things that he has bought home for them has been from her smh so she is buying our children things?????????????? He talks to her literally about everything, things he doesn't even discuss with me! 

They exchange I love you's, its maddening. 

And I do have to say this because yes I do deem it as important, how important is she really if she is a secret? That is the thing that I have been thinking about the last two days. If she is a complete full blown secret, she can't meet OUR friends, she can't meet OUR family, is that really something to go on?

I know most think social media is fake, but as I the wife can post our life freely, she can't post anything about the man, my husband that supposedly "loves her". secret.

He has met her family, dad, mom and other members. FLOORED.

I know what most will say but yes I still do think this is a phase but now I am at a point where yes I do think I may not want to see things for what they seem to be. I am really just not ready to confront him yet on any of this. Yes, I am still hoping Amanda moves on with her life! 

Edited August 2, 2021 by husbandcheating

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I am really just not ready to confront him yet on any of this.

Is there anything that would make you confront your husband - or are you just going to wait until her leaves you? 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT-WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE ON YOU???????

He is choosing to be with her - because he loves her. 

[husbandcheating]

24 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Hello all,

Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I still will answer individually but here is an update.

My husband indeed did not talk to her for a couple of days, but he picked back up. As soon as we came home from the lake house, he dropped us and our luggage at home and said he had errands to run. Later that evening, I looked and saw that he went straight to her home. YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT-WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE ON YOU??????? TO WHERE YOU DROP YOUR FAMILY OFF AND RUN TO HER HOME. We also had another affair to attend as a unit so we attended that, and you guessed it the next day he said he had work, in which I did believe him, but he spent the whole day with her and had the audacity to text her "I wish I be with you more than not" distasteful! I have also seen messages between them where they refer to each others children as their own. She calls my boys her stepchildren" and he calls her children "his stepchildren". What kind of atrocity is this??????!!!!!! I even found out that a lot of things that he has bought home for them has been from her smh so she is buying our children things?????????????? He talks to her literally about everything, things he doesn't even discuss with me! 

They exchange I love you's, its maddening. 

And I do have to say this because yes I do deem it as important, how important is she really if she is a secret? That is the thing that I have been thinking about the last two days. If she is a complete full blown secret, she can't meet OUR friends, she can't meet OUR family, is that really something to go on?

I know most think social media is fake, but as I the wife can post our life freely, she can't post anything about the man, my husband that supposedly "loves her". secret.

He has met her family, dad, mom and other members. FLOORED.

I know what most will say but yes I still do think this is a phase but now I am at a point where yes I do think I may not want to see things for what they seem to be. I am really just not ready to confront him yet on any of this. Yes, I am still hoping Amanda moves on with her life! 

I also found out they have looked at properties in person together, because the "goal is to have investment property". My husband is pretty slow to the take but this woman seems to be pushing him (a text saying "Honey I made the appointment, so lets make sure we get there, let's just get this one out of the way, I have some snacks for you on our way, this may be the one sweetheart" and he is OK with that, my husband does not like to be rushed in ANYTHING, so why is he letting this woman impose ideas and places on him. Then again I saw a text message from her saying "honey, I always take your lead and I will always be by your side or in the back of you depending on the situation" what kind of horse crock is this????? He is the lead of OUR HOUSEHOLD.

I also have seen text messages telling her "she is stuck with him and he hopes she is okay with that" with her response being "ditto" horse crock!

[mark clemson]

Clearly they have bonded significantly AND she is aggressively attempting to elbow in onto your turf (husband). She is trying to ensure that he doesn't back away from any of the things he says he will do, by following it up, making it easy for him, etc. Even bringing snacks along.  So certainly SHE hopes to steal him away from you.

None of this guarantees that he will actually leave when push comes to shove, but it certainly doesn't look good either.

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Why is he letting this woman impose ideas and places on him.

Nobody buys property with someone else without their consent. It takes two to tango and you are well aware that your husband is deeply involved with this woman. 

You are fooling yourself if you think your husband is a victim to this woman. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

"Honey I made the appointment, so lets make sure we get there, let's just get this one out of the way, I have some snacks for you on our way, this may be the one sweetheart" 

It sounds like something I would have said to my husband when we were looking for homes. She is taking care of him, as a woman would when she loves a man. They are clearly both committed to each other and the idea of an investment property. 
 

Quote

I also have seen text messages telling her "she is stuck with him and he hopes she is okay with that" with her response being "ditto" horse crock!

Sounds like two people who are in love and planning a life together. Ignore the reality of the situation at your own peril. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

How do you know she has not met any of his family? Certainly his brother knows about her so she's not a "full blown secret," right?

How much longer are you going to do this to yourself? 

Honestly, you are grasping at straws in any desperate attempt to avoid the truth. He really truly is into her. He very likely is planning a real future with her. I don't mean to be an unkind jerk with my next statement, but while you say he's distasteful, it is also disgraceful you continue on watching all this unfold while pretending it's not happening. 

For the love of all that is good in this world, PLEASE make some contingency plans for yourself and your kids!

It will be foolish to believe this woman is somehow dominating your husband like he's her puppet. She can make all the appointments and demands in the world, but he will only show up IF HE WANTS TO.

Tbh, not to be cruel, but he acts like he could not wait to get back to her. You have got to pull yourself together and wake up from your denial. Start making your plans now. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Fixed quote

[S2B]

Looks like you are the one in the outside. He certainly prioritizes her.

I can’t imagine why you don’t do something to change this. It’s maddening for sure - but despicable too.

I can’t see how you aren’t sick when you go to bed with him at night!

Edited August 3, 2021 by S2B

[heartwhole2]

I think it's really important to talk to a lawyer. If they buy a property while you are married, you will be entitled to half the property. 

There's sexual and emotional infidelity, which is huge trauma, but then there's financial infidelity. It seems pretty foolish to purchase property that you want to keep for yourself and your mistress while you are still married. I wonder if he is dragging his feet because he knows this.