My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[jspice]

So your “upper hand” is that you get to post about your husband in social media but you don’t own a house together. 
 

“Amanda” is buying a house with him but she can’t put it on Facebook.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

“Amanda” is buying a house with him but she can’t put it on Facebook.

Not yet. 

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT-WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE ON YOU??????? TO WHERE YOU DROP YOUR FAMILY OFF AND RUN TO HER HOME.

What she has “on him” is clearly love and open communication, something he is not currently sharing with you.

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

She calls my boys her stepchildren" and he calls her children "his stepchildren". What kind of atrocity is this??????!!!!!! I even found out that a lot of things that he has bought home for them has been from her smh so she is buying our children things?????????????? He talks to her literally about everything, things he doesn't even discuss with me! 

They are setting the groundwork for their new family together.

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

And I do have to say this because yes I do deem it as important, how important is she really if she is a secret?

She’s a secret from you, but not from everyone. His brother knows. Maybe he has met her. Your husband has met HER family. Clearly the only one being kept in the dark is you.

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He has met her family, dad, mom and other members. FLOORED.

Yes, but what are you going to do with this knowledge? 

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Yes, I am still hoping Amanda moves on with her life! 

It’s not looking good. You are high on hopium. It’s time to come out of the fog, consult an attorney, and protect your assets. If he does buy property while still married to you, that’s pretty dumb because it would be a marital asset. He doesn’t seem dumb to me.

Also, you mentioned him not wanting to be pushed, or questioned whether he’s acting out of character. My husband of 32 years is completely different with his girlfriend than he ever was with me. I’m shocked to hear what he will put up with from her when he never acted that way during our 32-yr-marriage. Don’t judge or try to anticipate his behavior with her based on his behavior with you. 

It is now (way past) time to look after your own interests. 

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

If he does buy property while still married to you, that’s pretty dumb because it would be a marital asset. He doesn’t seem dumb to me.

Actually, to answer my own question, I suspect nothing will be in his name. Everything will be in HER name, as it is in their joint business venture. You need to find out if/where he is stashing money away and follow the money trail to their joint ventures. Otherwise, you risk losing access to quite a bit of your marital assets.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Actually, to answer my own question, I suspect nothing will be in his name. Everything will be in HER name, as it is in their joint business venture. You need to find out if/where he is stashing money away and follow the money trail to their joint ventures. Otherwise, you risk losing access to quite a bit of your marital assets.

This is good advice. Your denial and inaction is going to cost you dearly OP.

[Yosemite]

This is like a reverse cuckholding situation…instead of the husband getting sexual gratification from being denigrated by the wife, it’s the wife who gets something out of being humiliated and denigrated by the husband. 

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He has met her family, dad, mom and other members. FLOORED.

You told us before that he had been introduced to her children, so it makes sense that he would meet other family members as well. 

 

 

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Hello all,

Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I still will answer individually but here is an update.

My husband indeed did not talk to her for a couple of days, but he picked back up. As soon as we came home from the lake house, he dropped us and our luggage at home and said he had errands to run. Later that evening, I looked and saw that he went straight to her home. YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT-WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE ON YOU??????? TO WHERE YOU DROP YOUR FAMILY OFF AND RUN TO HER HOME. We also had another affair to attend as a unit so we attended that, and you guessed it the next day he said he had work, in which I did believe him, but he spent the whole day with her and had the audacity to text her "I wish I be with you more than not" distasteful! I have also seen messages between them where they refer to each others children as their own. She calls my boys her stepchildren" and he calls her children "his stepchildren". What kind of atrocity is this??????!!!!!! I even found out that a lot of things that he has bought home for them has been from her smh so she is buying our children things?????????????? He talks to her literally about everything, things he doesn't even discuss with me! 

They exchange I love you's, its maddening. 

And I do have to say this because yes I do deem it as important, how important is she really if she is a secret? That is the thing that I have been thinking about the last two days. If she is a complete full blown secret, she can't meet OUR friends, she can't meet OUR family, is that really something to go on?

I know most think social media is fake, but as I the wife can post our life freely, she can't post anything about the man, my husband that supposedly "loves her". secret.

He has met her family, dad, mom and other members. FLOORED.

I know what most will say but yes I still do think this is a phase but now I am at a point where yes I do think I may not want to see things for what they seem to be. I am really just not ready to confront him yet on any of this. Yes, I am still hoping Amanda moves on with her life! 

Well if she's a secret she's important enough to protect, right?

[Prudence V]

11 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He is the lead of OUR HOUSEHOLD.

If you were a soldier, and you found out your commander in chief was an enemy agent, head of your enemy’s armed forces - would you still trust him to lead you into battle against that enemy? Because that is what you are doing here. 

[Pumpernickel]

Clinging to the false hope that she’s a secret won’t change anything. She’s not a secret if his own brother knows how he feels about her. Most people in affairs will keep the A a secret from friends and family. Most people in affairs - if caught or confronted by friends and/or family - will downplay the affair, in order to do some damage control & make sure the marriage won’t be affected. This husband, however, volunteers information to his very own brother, and he’s open and honest about his feelings for and plans with “Amanda”. He confides in his brother about his feelings! That’s NOT keeping her a secret. This marriage is pretty much over. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is good advice. Your denial and inaction is going to cost you dearly OP.

-OR- you can choose differently, OP! While fate has dealt you a nasty blow, it has also been mitigated somewhat by you KNOWING what is happening (if you would only allow yourself to admit it). Imagine those spouses who got left high and dry, assets all moved and losing access to their kids at least part of the time, who never saw it coming! Imagine finding out on the day the bomb drops!  This doesn't have to be you, OP. 

YOU HAVE CHOICES IN THIS! Your choices will be further reduced the longer you wait.

If I were you, at this point I'd be hiring a private investigator who is saavy in financials (or works with someone who can decipher financials). That will not be cheap, but it will get you what you need to know and help you tons should a divorce ensue. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

If you were a soldier, and you found out your commander in chief was an enemy agent, head of your enemy’s armed forces - would you still trust him to lead you into battle against that enemy? Because that is what you are doing here. 

Yep! I've learned the hard way to think like a soldier. After getting my butt whipped a few times by people I trusted, I now live by "trust but verify." It's much easier to deal with issues before they have a chance to grow. 

OP, I'm guessing that one of the reasons you cling to hopium is because you already feel overwhelmed. Indeed, your husband has some years on you as far as planning this out. He's handled the finances and kept you in the dark for one. However, you are not sunk! You may not have time to become a forensic accounting expert, but you do have time to hire one with a private investigator. 

Let's say you and he never divorce...don't you still want to know how much of your assets have been leeched away? from your kids' futures and your retirement?

What's your personal financial situation like? Do you have enough to pay a private investigator on the down low?

[pepperbird2]

One thing that really cheeses me off about affairs is when the participants bring kids into the mix.
OP, if you can't stand up for yourself for you, please do it for your kids. Do you want them to think this sort of thing is normal?

[heartwhole2]

I want to be careful about sharing this because I do not want to give you false hope. Your situation is very precarious and nothing you can do can change that.

But I'll say that in my husband's affair he did confide in a few people, including the person who introduced him to OW. He didn't admit to a PA, but he let his friend know that he and OW "had feelings" for each other. My interpretation of this, learning about it after the fact and knowing how it ended, is that he was testing the waters to see if people would accept him divorcing me and being with the OW. He really had feelings for her and he was torn about what to do, and he was trying to see what others thought. He confided in a different friend that it was a PA -- someone who isn't close to me and who has had his own mental health struggles. I think he figured this person would be more understanding. That friend recommended a therapist whom my husband began seeing secretly. The therapist told my husband to focus on his marriage instead of having an affair (obviously not what my husband wanted to hear, LOL . . . this is around when my husband's weird behavior became weird in others ways as he tried to become closer to me while having a huge secret that made that impossible.)

Anyway, I'm not saying that I think this means that OP's husband isn't serious about the OW. He clearly is. But you get a different perspective when you've gone through something like this. If you looked at my husband's behavior at that period in time when I was in the dark, you'd think it didn't look good for our marriage, right? And yet within two weeks he was chirping to me, "It feels like we're on a second honeymoon!" and "Wow! I thought I would miss OW more than this!" (These boneheaded statements received death stares from me.) But the thing is that I confronted him and refused to be in a love triangle in my own marriage. I made him choose, and I made it clear it was welcome to choose the OW. I wasn't going to beg and plead my bleeping husband to stay with me. If he didn't know how wonderful I was, then he didn't deserve me and I would be just fine, thank you very much.

The situation you are in OP is not your fault. Affairs are an abuse of your autonomy and your sense of reality. You deserve so much better than this. But it is what it is, and you need to accept that. You can't wish or ignore it away. You need to protect your and your children's interests. And honestly, if you have any hope of staying married and having that marriage be healthy and fulfilling, then you need to stand up for yourself. If you act like a doormat then that's exactly how he's going to treat you. And that is a reflection on him, that he would treat the mother of his children that way. But still, you have to find the strength to turn the tables on his stupid game. There is a chance, though I think it is a small one, that forcing him to choose will make him realize he doesn't want the OW as much as he says. Unfortunately, there's also a chance he'll choose divorce. Probably most likely of all is that he'll tell you he chooses you but will take the affair underground. We'll be here with advice if it comes to that -- a person who has cheated and who wants to remain married needs to be transparent in order to regain trust.

My guess is that your husband's end game here is to convince you to end the marriage before he is outed as a cheater. He's conflict avoidant which is why he's only managed to tell you he's unhappy once. So he's probably not going to initiate a divorce and go through all that stress. He's tried to nudge you that way so that he could say it was a mutual decision, or better yet your idea. It is very important to him not to be the reason that the marriage ends. (Except, hello, affairs tend to do that to marriages.)

So I would expose the affair like yesterday. If you do so, you will regain a bit of control and whatever happens to your marriage going forward will be based on reality. He won't get to pin it on you. He'll still try to say incompatible and unhappy for a long time and I didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened. But he won't get to control the narrative any longer. He'll have to face what he's done to his family. His facade of being the perfect family man will be shown for what it is. 

OP, I know it doesn't feel this way, but this hasn't been a great marriage for you either. You deserve so much more. Exposing the affair is the first step to getting  what you deserve . . . maybe with your husband, if he can grow up and show up. Or maybe with someone new. But if you stay where you are, the chances of having a relationship that you deserve are 0.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

I fear this is going to end up with OP's husband leaving her, setting up with OW, building their life together...and OP still home by herself insisting years from now that her husband is going to realize his mistake and return any day now. 

[heartwhole2]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I fear this is going to end up with OP's husband leaving her, setting up with OW, building their life together...and OP still home by herself insisting years from now that her husband is going to realize his mistake and return any day now. 

I don't know, you usually see that in very religious people who believe a higher power has decreed that marriages can never end. I think the OP is just an avoidant personality, not completely delusional. She's taking her time in accepting the truth, but she's here because part of her knows that she needs to.

[Daisydooks]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

And I do have to say this because yes I do deem it as important, how important is she really if she is a secret?

Ok, now youre just being purposely obtuse. Christ almighty, OP. 

[S2B]

Notice he took you away for a few days when she was unavailable during that time?

he fits YOU in when she isn’t around.

it’s more that you are his OW and she is his priority.

she puts him on her back burner and then he thinks to look in your direction… 

Your life and future is determined by what she will or won’t do… it’s not necessarily what your H will or won’t do - it’s her driving him and him driving your outcome. You are twice removed from your own destiny! Whoa that’s so backwards! 
 

when will you take charge of YOUR life and YOUR future? 

Edited August 3, 2021 by S2B

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

I think the OP is just an avoidant personality

I'm actually not so sure about that.

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

So I would expose the affair like yesterday. If you do so, you will regain a bit of control and whatever happens to your marriage going forward will be based on reality. He won't get to pin it on you. He'll still try to say incompatible and unhappy for a long time and I didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened. But he won't get to control the narrative any longer. He'll have to face what he's done to his family. His facade of being the perfect family man will be shown for what it is. 

OP, I know it doesn't feel this way, but this hasn't been a great marriage for you either. You deserve so much more. Exposing the affair is the first step to getting  what you deserve . . . maybe with your husband, if he can grow up and show up. Or maybe with someone new. But if you stay where you are, the chances of having a relationship that you deserve are 0.
 

Problem is, HC is in a very weak position here. Yes she can blow up her marriage, by confronting him, but if he leaves, she is up a creek without a  paddle.
She can't risk him leaving her, so she is stuck. She knows where her bread is best buttered...
Keeping schtum is her only viable option, if she wants to maintain her standard of living.
Yes, he may eventually leave anyway, but at least she can say, she didn't push him out.
She will not be the architect of her own destruction.

[heartwhole2]

I recognize that you are trying to translate her thought process, but surely you recognize that doing nothing is equally destructive. He's apparently just fine with having secret side businesses he tells his wife nothing about. Where else is he shunting marital assets?

And she doesn't know where she would stand in a divorce because she hasn't talked to a lawyer yet. That's really priority #1. 

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

And she doesn't know where she would stand in a divorce because she hasn't talked to a lawyer yet. That's really priority #1. 

Absolutely. What’s your hesitation OP? Is it fear? 

With knowledge come a little bit of power. I would think you would want to be prepared for all eventualities. 

[S2B]

It would help you get an idea of what would happen to you if you divorce. You need to understand what you are legally entitled to.

it would be a wise move to consult an attorney… just so you know.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely. What’s your hesitation OP? Is it fear? 

My guess is that she is not ready to face the reality that she even needs a lawyer. 

In her mind, it seems, this is all going to go away on its own if she just sits tight long enough. Sad state to be in, really. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/2/2021 at 7:04 PM, husbandcheating said:

 "Honey I made the appointment, so lets make sure we get there, let's just get this one out of the way, I have some snacks for you on our way, this may be the one sweetheart" He is the lead of OUR HOUSEHOLD.

Well you don't want to get divorced or break-up your family or stop being a housewife.

So, you'll have to turn a blind eye until he leaves you.

Maybe stop snooping through his phone. It's humiliating to read about their affair.

That way you can carry on without being upset by what's going on behind your back.

[solostand]

On 8/3/2021 at 12:06 AM, BaileyB said:

Not yet. 

Amanda probably could put the house and a big shining picture of her and hubby kissing over the keys on Facebook and OP would rationalize it.  She's in shock. She should try to come out of shock. 

Either way, Amanda is about to waltz off with her beloved husband and leave the OP with nothing. The reality is going to happen whether she likes it or not. Acceptance is a gift. Ask for it.