My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[pepperbird2]

op,
I know this is all horrible to deal with, but as the saying goes, it's often best to hope for the best but  to prepare for the worst.

This affair is like a cancer. You don't deal with cancer by ignoring it. You deal with it by seeking professional help. Speaking with a lawyer, getting some counselling can really pay off. They don't have to mean "divorce", just that you are preparing for all outcomes.

[Prudence V]

On 8/3/2021 at 9:10 PM, elaine567 said:

She will not be the architect of her own destruction.

Not actively, perhaps. But magical thinking doesn’t hold great traction in the real world, either. 

[husbandcheating]

Reading responses now, thank you everyone. Update, I have not confronted my husband yet.

We had a conversation a couple of nights ago and the meat and potatoes of the conversation was him telling me "that his family means everything to him". I asked him "How do you see me, do you love me?" and his response was "Of course I love you, you have been one of the people that have been in my life the longest, of course I love you and love the family that we created, I am very thankful for you" I know you all think this is "fake" but to me it was very sincere and I do know he loves our family. That was refreshing to hear.

He also reminded me we had a couple of weddings to attend so make sure I am prepared. That was also refreshing to hear that he is reminding me of events that him and I will be attending, just us. 

I did look at his phone yesterday and I looked at recent messages to his brother, his brother asked how things were and my husbands response "Things are good." They talked about a lot of things but one thing that stood out my husband told his brother "I have no plans in leaving my family my boys need me especially our youngest" This was also refreshing to hear as I knew this! He has no plan in leaving us...now if Amanda will proceed with her own life. I did look at other text messages from him and her and its the same thing but now what I see now that he is back at work, he talks to her for hours so their text messages are few and far between besides short "words of affection". Boredom.

If you have to do something in secret that is just not love. He doesn't seem to want to let his life in about her, if so wouldn't you all think SHE would be attending these weddings? 

if it was really love, would he be telling his brother he has no intention to leave his family and boasting how his boys need him?

If it was really love, wouldn't he want to spend every moment, most of his time is spent with me.

What do you all think about each point?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

What do you all think about each point?

You're asking the same questions you've already asked dozens of times before, and you'll get the same answers from those kind and patient enough to give them. 

Tbh, if I were you at this point, I would've taken matters into my own hands. I would've gotten something documented (like recording him saying he's not going to leave) and whatever evidence.  Then I would have confronted HER with it and ask her how she feels about it. I'm not saying this is legal, without risk, or won't majorly T him off, but I wouldn't care at this point. That's me. 

BUT FIRST I would have all my ducks lined up. I would know what has happened to every penny in the last five years, I would have a report in hand about how he's spending his time and money from a private investigator. I would have my contingency plans in place. I would put on my boxing gloves, figuratively speaking, in preparation for a no-holds-barred, drag-out fight to the finish. But that's me.

EDITED TO ADD: No way I'd sit idly by letting someone make a fool out of me. I'd only play the fool long enough to expose who the real fool is. But again, that's me!  

Edited August 5, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

They talked about a lot of things but one thing that stood out my husband told his brother "I have no plans in leaving my family my boys need me especially our youngest" This was also refreshing to hear as I knew this! He has no plan in leaving us...

He has no desire to leave his BOYS.  He would be ok to leave you.

So, either he will leave and find a way to take them with him OR he will wait until he feels they are old enough that he can leave on his own. I'd be willing to bet my savings that if he could leave tomorrow and have 100% custody of the boys, he would.

You keep conflating duty/responsibility/history (the things he has with you) with love/passion/future (the things he has with Amanda).

[heartwhole2]

Marriage, or any healthy relationship really, isn't about edging out the other person your partner is secretly seeing. The whole fact that there's this other person you feel you need to compare against is the problem. It doesn't matter who's a secret and who gets the business funds and whom he is most loyal to. What matters is that your husband is a liar and a cheat who is using YOUR money to build a future with someone else. Whether that future is 100% guaranteed or just an elaborate fantasy doesn't matter because the damage done to your marriage is the same.

No one can make you want more for yourself except for you. But please know that a relationship can be so much healthier and more fulfilling than this. 

[justbrowsing85]

If an echo chamber is what you want... I think you have an excellent marriage and the future can't be any brighter.  Your husband loves you very much.

If you want honest opinion, start looking for a REAL therapist, not your friend, you need serious IC pronto.  

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Reading responses now, thank you everyone. Update, I have not confronted my husband yet.

We had a conversation a couple of nights ago and the meat and potatoes of the conversation was him telling me "that his family means everything to him". I asked him "How do you see me, do you love me?" and his response was "Of course I love you, you have been one of the people that have been in my life the longest, of course I love you and love the family that we created, I am very thankful for you" I know you all think this is "fake" but to me it was very sincere and I do know he loves our family. That was refreshing to hear.

He also reminded me we had a couple of weddings to attend so make sure I am prepared. That was also refreshing to hear that he is reminding me of events that him and I will be attending, just us. 

I did look at his phone yesterday and I looked at recent messages to his brother, his brother asked how things were and my husbands response "Things are good." They talked about a lot of things but one thing that stood out my husband told his brother "I have no plans in leaving my family my boys need me especially our youngest" This was also refreshing to hear as I knew this! He has no plan in leaving us...now if Amanda will proceed with her own life. I did look at other text messages from him and her and its the same thing but now what I see now that he is back at work, he talks to her for hours so their text messages are few and far between besides short "words of affection". Boredom.

If you have to do something in secret that is just not love. He doesn't seem to want to let his life in about her, if so wouldn't you all think SHE would be attending these weddings? 

if it was really love, would he be telling his brother he has no intention to leave his family and boasting how his boys need him?

If it was really love, wouldn't he want to spend every moment, most of his time is spent with me.

What do you all think about each point?

I think you're engaging in wilful blindness, and to be blunt, as a mom, you don't have that luxury.

[serial muse]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Reading responses now, thank you everyone. Update, I have not confronted my husband yet.

We had a conversation a couple of nights ago and the meat and potatoes of the conversation was him telling me "that his family means everything to him". I asked him "How do you see me, do you love me?" and his response was "Of course I love you, you have been one of the people that have been in my life the longest, of course I love you and love the family that we created, I am very thankful for you" I know you all think this is "fake" but to me it was very sincere and I do know he loves our family. That was refreshing to hear.

He also reminded me we had a couple of weddings to attend so make sure I am prepared. That was also refreshing to hear that he is reminding me of events that him and I will be attending, just us. 

I did look at his phone yesterday and I looked at recent messages to his brother, his brother asked how things were and my husbands response "Things are good." They talked about a lot of things but one thing that stood out my husband told his brother "I have no plans in leaving my family my boys need me especially our youngest" This was also refreshing to hear as I knew this! He has no plan in leaving us...now if Amanda will proceed with her own life. I did look at other text messages from him and her and its the same thing but now what I see now that he is back at work, he talks to her for hours so their text messages are few and far between besides short "words of affection". Boredom.

If you have to do something in secret that is just not love. He doesn't seem to want to let his life in about her, if so wouldn't you all think SHE would be attending these weddings? 

if it was really love, would he be telling his brother he has no intention to leave his family and boasting how his boys need him?

If it was really love, wouldn't he want to spend every moment, most of his time is spent with me.

What do you all think about each point?

I think that what I said way upthread still holds - these questions aren't the right questions. The right questions are:

 

If he does really love her but still stays married to you, are you OK with that?

If he doesn't really love her but still continues the affair while staying married to you, are you OK with that?

 

Unless the answer to both questions is yes, you need to take action. You're looking at this as some sort of Schroedinger's cat situation, where you're afraid to open the box to find out the truth, either way, so you're just living in limbo, endlessly pondering what's in the box. As though that truth is the most important thing. 

It isn't. The fact is, either way, you're unhappy.

This is the crossroads faced by every BS who discovers a secret affair: What are you willing to live with? That's the only thing you can actually do anything about. You cannot base your plans for your life (and your kids' lives) on the ephemeral hope that some stranger is going to just up and do what you want. 

Once you get to the point where you really realize this, then I hope you'll take action. Whether to lawyer up, confront him, leave, all of the above, whatever. 

But you've got to get to the point where you internalize this. Nothing will change here unless you change it, so unless you're OK with the status quo, you need to do something. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by serial muse

[solostand]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

That was also refreshing to hear that he is reminding me of events that him and I will be attending, just us.

You mean without Amanda? Rest assured, she will be there in spirit. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

What do you all think about each point?

I think there is no guarantee either way. Your husband may be stringing the OW along (and acquiescing to her "demands" in order to continue that), he may not be.

There is such a thing as "fallback plans" (which the OW or you may be) and, more relevantly, there is such a thing as being "conflicted".

He may genuinely be conflicted and not "really know" whether he wants you or her in the end.

One of the ironies of the AP situation generally is that often an affair makes a married partner happier in their marriage (and therefore more inclined to remain in it). That can stretch things out.  BUT, if she starts to genuinely pull away, he may long for her, realize why he has her in is life to begin with etc, and he indeed might choose her.

So this is still very much a toss-up IMO.

[S2B]

Are you a drinker or drug user or abusive?

im trying to determine why he thinks you can’t raise your boys well.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, justbrowsing85 said:

If an echo chamber is what you want... I think you have an excellent marriage and the future can't be any brighter.  Your husband loves you very much.

This is it.

If I may add - You are a very lucky woman to have such a wonderfully devoted and loving husband.

May his affair partner decide some day very soon to respect your marriage and leave your husband alone. 

May you never find yourself divorced, financially destitute and at the mercy of your husband and his new wife - wishing that you could go back in time and make some different decisions. 

[lovelychef87]

On 6/20/2021 at 9:54 AM, husbandcheating said:

I definitely have a problem BaileyB. I want him to focus on our family and our love. We have known each other half of our lives. If he is staying, I know that he loves me so he needs to focus on that. If he didnt love me, he wouldnt post me, or attend family events, etc. so I want him to focus on that.

Didn't you say he wrote to her that  his public post mean nothing? That his posts are basically like being with a coworker?

[lovelychef87]

On 6/20/2021 at 11:08 AM, BaileyB said:

This feels like edith 2.0. 

She is 13 years down the road from you… only her husband is a whole lot less invested with his other woman than your husband. 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/587945-my-husband-has-been-cheating-with-the-same-woman-for-over-a-decade-is-this-serious/

Kind of reminds me of Wendy Williams who's H cheated for 15yrs+. Had business and life with his mistress.

[kxpxsc3]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

If you have to do something in secret that is just not love.

Might be true, but it's also not love to keep a secret from your wife - such as having an affair for the last 4 years...

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

If it was really love, wouldn't he want to spend every moment, most of his time is spent with me.

Most of his time huh?  What about the time he just dropped you and your kids off at the house after vacation and immediately ran off to Amanda's house?

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

now if Amanda will proceed with her own life

Amanda is really not the main problem here, her life IS your husband who is investing time, money, and feelings with her and into her.  As long as HE continues to do those things, she will be around.  She will not just magically wake up one day and say "today is the day I leave HusbandCheating's husband alone and move on with my life."  She has invested too much by now, she is going to wait for her return on invested time, money, and emotions from the man who tells her that he loves her.

[Hopefulandinlove]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I asked him "How do you see me, do you love me?" and his response was "Of course I love you, you have been one of the people that have been in my life the longest, of course I love you and love the family that we created, I am very thankful for you" I know you all think this is "fake" but to me it was very sincere and I do know he loves our family. That was refreshing to hear.

this isn’t love like you think it is. He’s saying that he knows you a long time so of course he loves you. I also love a lot of friends I’ve known for decades. He loves the family you created with him. - his kids- and he is thankful for that. I think the way he described the love he has for Amanda would’ve felt a lot better to hear than the way he said he loved you. 

Quote

"I have no plans in leaving my family my boys need me especially our youngest" This was also refreshing to hear as I knew this! He has no plan in leaving us...

if it was really love, would he be telling his brother he has no intention to leave his family and boasting how his boys need him?

Boasting? That means to say something with pride. I don’t think he was boasting that his boys need him. He was saying that his youngest is too young for him to leave. What happens in 5 years when your youngest is older and he can leave?

It might feel “refreshing” that he isn’t leaving now but listen to what he said. He didn’t say “I’m mot leaving because I love my wife”. THAT would be refreshing. He said he can’t leave his sons. Ouch!!!

The way you word things is bizarre. It’s almost like you’re looking down on Amanda as the “other woman” who needs to get a grip on reality and leave your perfect marriage alone. In reality- you need to start seeing things clearly. Amanda knows about you. Your husband has no secrets with her. Doesn’t it bother you that he is keeping HUGE secrets from you? 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Hopefulandinlove
Typo

[MilaVaneela]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Are you a drinker or drug user or abusive?

im trying to determine why he thinks you can’t raise your boys well.

She said in an earlier post that her “husband” thinks that boys should be raised by a man and single moms can’t properly raise boys on their own… he’s a control freak (between that, his complete control of the household finances and him having everything- EVERYTHING- in his name only for the duration of the marriage… so many red flags….)

 

[S2B]

6 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

She said in an earlier post that her “husband” thinks that boys should be raised by a man and single moms can’t properly raise boys on their own… he’s a control freak (between that, his complete control of the household finances and him having everything- EVERYTHING- in his name only for the duration of the marriage… so many red flags….)

 

It would be more helpful if she provided her own honest answer. It’s info that may help this scenario make more sense.

[Prudence V]

7 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

him having everything- EVERYTHING- in his name only for the duration of the marriage

…except he trusts Amanda enough to have business assets in her name. It seems his “control freakery” extends to HC only. Which raises, again, the question of why he doesn’t trust her with the kids (or anything else). He trusts Amanda. 

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone. I wanted to address this one question. Why does my husband not trust me with our children?

I have never done drugs a day in my life and I drink socially when I am with my husband. My husband does trust me with our children. I am a super "girly girl" and my husband is very masculine and has a certain traditional mindset. He fully believes that children not gender based needs both parents of course but with him when it comes to his three SONS, they need him the most, and he is there to be the structural force for them. 

Him and I were raised completely different with some similarities but not many. I was raised pretty sheltered and he not so much. He knows ways of the world in which I have never experienced or have been in any close contact with. Some may consider me naive in a lot of aspects of life. 

My husband trusts me with our children to the fullest but he believes that his SONS are to be with him the most. 

[husbandcheating]

On 8/2/2021 at 6:57 PM, jspice said:

So your “upper hand” is that you get to post about your husband in social media but you don’t own a house together. 
 

“Amanda” is buying a house with him but she can’t put it on Facebook.

Thank you @jspice I am not considering it an "upper hand" but what really is a relationship if you can't yell at the top of the lungs who you are with or proud of who you are with, shadows are made for iffy things. I am saying in the social media world, I am able to post our photos and events and their photos live in a phone in the shadows

We are currently looking at homes for our family...and to that as well, who buys a home "together" but one person won't be living in it

[HadMeOverABarrel]

So as I asked earlier, what are you hoping to get here at Loveshack?

[Hopefulandinlove]

28 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @jspice I am not considering it an "upper hand" but what really is a relationship if you can't yell at the top of the lungs who you are with or proud of who you are with, shadows are made for iffy things. I am saying in the social media world, I am able to post our photos and events and their photos live in a phone in the shadows

We are currently looking at homes for our family...and to that as well, who buys a home "together" but one person won't be living in it

Do you have any friends who have divorced? I have seen a lot of friends post lovey photos only to delete them a month later when they announce their divorce. 

[heartwhole2]

38 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @jspice I am not considering it an "upper hand" but what really is a relationship if you can't yell at the top of the lungs who you are with or proud of who you are with, shadows are made for iffy things. I am saying in the social media world, I am able to post our photos and events and their photos live in a phone in the shadows

We are currently looking at homes for our family...and to that as well, who buys a home "together" but one person won't be living in it

But what good is being able to post pictures if they don't represent the reality of your life? At the end of the day, don't you care about what's real in your life, not what image you can project to the world?

Is your plan just to wait for Amanda to give up and then pretend nothing ever happened? Please understand that you deserve a relationship that's based in reality and that's transformational rather than transactional. Right now you have a transactional relationship with your husband. You're happy with the picture you can paint online, with the type of intimacy that you have, and with what he provides. You don't seem concerned about who is as a person (and tbh, because he's a controlling and deceitful person, I'm not recommending that you go all in that front) or what he desires from your relationship. A transformational relationship would mean that you honor all the parts of each other, that you share every part of yourself, that you strive to be your best self and watch your partner reciprocate, that you strive to understand what is important to your partner.