My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

On 8/4/2021 at 5:27 AM, pepperbird2 said:

op,
I know this is all horrible to deal with, but as the saying goes, it's often best to hope for the best but  to prepare for the worst.

This affair is like a cancer. You don't deal with cancer by ignoring it. You deal with it by seeking professional help. Speaking with a lawyer, getting some counselling can really pay off. They don't have to mean "divorce", just that you are preparing for all outcomes.

Thank you @pepperbird2 It really is horrible to deal with it. I think about it often, everyday but still able to get through my days as our children are home, so between work and them, I tend to keep busy mentally.

I have reached out to someone for a therapist. I have also been talking to the ones I have already confided in as well.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

 

 

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

call it scared of the outcome, trying not to argue in front of our children or whatever is deep in my head, but I am really not there yet.

Were his other affairs over with without much ado? Perhaps you are hoping this will run its course like the other indiscretions?

You seem to hope that staying busy with work, kids and home will help get you through until this blows over.

If that's the case, then you're not ready to confront him or divorce.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[husbandcheating]

On 8/5/2021 at 7:17 AM, introverted1 said:

He has no desire to leave his BOYS.  He would be ok to leave you.

So, either he will leave and find a way to take them with him OR he will wait until he feels they are old enough that he can leave on his own. I'd be willing to bet my savings that if he could leave tomorrow and have 100% custody of the boys, he would.

You keep conflating duty/responsibility/history (the things he has with you) with love/passion/future (the things he has with Amanda).

Thank you @introverted1 Can you give me your opinion on this? I know some of you are saying that he would be OK with leaving me, and maybe planning to leave when our boys are older but are we forgetting the romantic gestures that has NOTHING to do with our children. Outings, date nights, social media posts and acknowledgements for days concerning us, pet names, etc. These things have nothing to do with our boys. We went to a wedding this weekend, we let the boys stay with my sister and we attended the wedding as two adults. Photo booth photos, a great dinner, dancing, these are all things that had nothing to do with our kids. 

These are things if he was ok with leaving me, he wouldn't do, I just don't see it. Our children are no where in sight.

"You keep conflating duty/responsibility/history (the things he has with you) with love/passion/future (the things he has with Amanda)."-Just on Saturday at the wedding I was telling him how once the kids are out of our house, we can start traveling and see the world, and he agreed! We talk about our future when the kids are gone, while we love our children, we daydream about it often where it could just be us two. Just this weekend he again stated how he loves me.

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/5/2021 at 7:30 AM, heartwhole2 said:

Marriage, or any healthy relationship really, isn't about edging out the other person your partner is secretly seeing. The whole fact that there's this other person you feel you need to compare against is the problem. It doesn't matter who's a secret and who gets the business funds and whom he is most loyal to. What matters is that your husband is a liar and a cheat who is using YOUR money to build a future with someone else. Whether that future is 100% guaranteed or just an elaborate fantasy doesn't matter because the damage done to your marriage is the same.

No one can make you want more for yourself except for you. But please know that a relationship can be so much healthier and more fulfilling than this. 

Thank you @heartwhole2. I am starting to feel the need to compare. I don't know much about her but I am comparing things that I have no clue about. Thank you for your words as always.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/5/2021 at 9:50 AM, justbrowsing85 said:

If an echo chamber is what you want... I think you have an excellent marriage and the future can't be any brighter.  Your husband loves you very much.

If you want honest opinion, start looking for a REAL therapist, not your friend, you need serious IC pronto.  

Thank you @justbrowsing85. I do not want an echo chamber. And I have started looking for a therapist as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

These are things if he was ok with leaving me, he wouldn't do

Then you are very naive about affairs. 

Willfully so, at this point. 

[introverted1]

19 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @introverted1 Can you give me your opinion on this?

I, and others, have given you an opinion several times over.

Cheaters lie.  They are often referred to as "cake-eaters" because they want to maintain a relationship with their spouse/family while at the same time pursue an affair partner (AP). this is what your husband is doing.

Your husband is not going to tell you he doesn't see you two being together in the future because he isn't ready to divorce just yet:  he's still laying the foundation for his future and, likely, trying to figure out how he can get custody of the boys.

He doesn't tell you that the house you think you are buying together is actually a house for you to live in alone because what would be the upshot of that?  It would force his hand before he is ready to play it. 

He dances with you at a wedding and tells you he loves you because a few hours of faking it is worth it if it means he is free to see Amanda when he wants to with no questions asked.  He doesn't know you know; he thinks he is pulling the wool over your eyes. He is going to do exactly nothing to rock the boat with you until he has all the pieces in place.  This is what a good strategist does: gets things lined up without revealing their hand until they are ready.  I think you know this, otherwise you would have confronted your husband by now.  You don't, because you are worried that he won't just give up Amanda and declare undying fealty to you.

Your husband knows you well.  He has ascertained that it takes very little to keep you off his back.  He realises that due to either denial or naivete (or a combination of both) you don't mind that you don't have a true marriage, one in which both partners can be vulnerable and in which they share true intimacy.  I am not referring to just sex --  although for men, this is necessary for bonding -- but the intimacy that comes from truly knowing your partner: sharing hopes and dreams and disappointments, being able to reveal hurts and weaknesses, baring one's soul, feeling safe.

You are content with words and posts of love without the actions that back them up.  Is this really what you want for your life?

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. I do not have a desire to contact her and I feel like this would somehow backfire. I know that money seems to be an issue but I do not care about his money vs his heart. His money is his money. Our household is not without, I want him to get his head together to get out of whatever this is that he is going through.

Thank you again. I really am not ready to confront him, call it scared of the outcome, trying not to argue in front of our children or whatever is deep in my head, but I am really not there yet.

You're keeping yourself stuck in a self-defeating situation. It's hard to watch. At least you are looking into therapy, and that's a very good thing. A good therapist will help you focus on your best outcome and help you achieve it. 

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @introverted1 Can you give me your opinion on this? I know some of you are saying that he would be OK with leaving me, and maybe planning to leave when our boys are older but are we forgetting the romantic gestures that has NOTHING to do with our children. Outings, date nights, social media posts and acknowledgements for days concerning us, pet names, etc. These things have nothing to do with our boys. We went to a wedding this weekend, we let the boys stay with my sister and we attended the wedding as two adults. Photo booth photos, a great dinner, dancing, these are all things that had nothing to do with our kids. 

These are things if he was ok with leaving me, he wouldn't do, I just don't see it. Our children are no where in sight.

"You keep conflating duty/responsibility/history (the things he has with you) with love/passion/future (the things he has with Amanda)."-Just on Saturday at the wedding I was telling him how once the kids are out of our house, we can start traveling and see the world, and he agreed! We talk about our future when the kids are gone, while we love our children, we daydream about it often where it could just be us two. Just this weekend he again stated how he loves me.

Thank you again.

Remember when he said, "The pictures I take with her is like standing next to my co worker, let me handle things over here, everything I tell you is everything that I am. You have me. Just handling this for a little more. I'm not building with you just because. I don't build with anyone for nothing."?

I'm sure you've heard of love languages. It sounds like he has figured out yours, and he makes sure to keep you happy. But on his end, he's letting someone else fill his love bucket. I don't want to sound critical because you are the victim here, but part of the reason that you are in denial is because you look at this relationship as transactional. You're getting what you want out of it; why should you change anything? But if your partner isn't being honest and truly intimate with you, then it's a surface level relationship only. It doesn't mean much if he agrees with your plans for the future or tells you that he loves you (when you ask) if he's actively contradicting those statements with his actions. Words are cheap; they cost little and they are buying him time. I suspect that the new house you're buying is part of his plan for separation and divorce.

You look at it as a good thing that he can so easily tell you that he loves you, but I see it the opposite way. When my husband was having an affair, he acted very strange. He stopped acknowledging me on social media. He wrote me a Valentine's Day card in shaky handwriting that said, "I'm yours" (guilty much?). He was irritable and started fights a lot. He was just odd. I would be like, "I'd love to take a trip for our anniversary," and he'd say, "I'd love to take a solo trip to [OW's country]." I was constantly trying to figure out what the heck was going on because something was very wrong but I didn't know what.

But actually, the fact that he was a bad and uncomfortable liar is one of the reasons we were able to reconcile. If he could look me in the eye and baldface lie to me, how would I ever trust that I had the truth going forward? It's not reassuring that your husband can lie so easily; it's creepy. It means he doesn't feel guilty about what he's doing to you.

[justbrowsing85]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I know some of you are saying that he would be OK with leaving me, and maybe planning to leave when our boys are older but are we forgetting the romantic gestures that has NOTHING to do with our children. Outings, date nights, social media posts and acknowledgements for days concerning us, pet names, etc. These things have nothing to do with our boys. We went to a wedding this weekend, we let the boys stay with my sister and we attended the wedding as two adults. Photo booth photos, a great dinner, dancing, these are all things that had nothing to do with our kids. 

These are things if he was ok with leaving me, he wouldn't do, I just don't see it. Our children are no where in sight.

You seem mentally stuck and unable to untangle yourself from the above narrative that you've given yourself that he is a devoted husband, despite two know (I am correct on the count, yes?) affairs where one is ongoing for FOUR years.  You accept his words of love and dedication to your future at face value but push aside the inconvenient truth of his on-going affair(s).   

Ever asked yourself the question:  Does a devoted husband engage in an affair (let alone two) knowing he is destroying the person (or you claim) he is so dedicated to? 

To be honest, if you flat out saying you aren't here to seek advise but to have others to hear you out, I think many are willing to offer words of comfort.   You just need to be honest with yourself and the posters on this board.   

Best of luck and I sincerely hope your thread won't reach 50 pages. My apologies if I come across sounding like an a**.

[Indigo Night]

When my ex husband was cheating on me he could have won a husband of the year trophy. He was kind, attentive, showered me with gifts, and so much more. It was almost like he became the man of my dreams, and a wonderful father. Too bad I knew he was cheating on me. 

OP, you've got your head stuck in the clouds. Like you, I looked the other way when my husband first started cheating on me. I had everything I wanted, so why should I care that he was having a meaningless affair. I convinced myself that his indiscretions didn't matter. I had a loving husband who spoke of our future together with such tenderness that I could actually picture it in my mind. I could see us as the cute little old couple, still madly in love, and as passionate as ever. I thought our son was blessed to have such a wonderful father. At least that's what I convinced myself of. 

Until reality kept seeping in through the cracks of the facade of our marriage. Like when he called in our anniversary to tell me that he was so sorry that he couldn't be home, but there was an emergency and he had to work late. The dinner I spent all day preparing sat untouched. I sat up waiting for him, but he didn't come home until the next day.

I can remember how scared I was when no one could reach him, as I sat in the emergency room, having been diagnosed with bacterial meningitis. For the weeks I couldn't see him I was devestated at the thought of never seeing him again. When he finally called I could here the relief in his voice when I told him I want allowed to have visitors while in the hospital. I was scared, and he was relieved!

My world started shattering around me.

That's when I began to see things for what they were, and not the lie that I had been living for years.

That's when my friends started telling me the things he had been saying, or the women he had been seen with. I found the receipts for the flowers and jewelry he had been buying someone else. Years of his deception flooded my mind. Every lie replayed in my head as I realized our "happy marriage" was a lie.  There was no more hiding behind the lies, the manipulations, or the cheating.

If you don't think we have anything in common, you are sadly mistaken. As I read through your posts, I remember being you. I remember telling myself "She doesn't mean anything! We just took a two week long romantic vacation! It was magical!! He couldn't tell me the things that he did, or make love to me so intimately, if he loved her! He's mine!!" 

I came out of my fog when I found the cards and pictures he'd been hiding. I started seeing every little thing he did for what it was. I looked into his eyes as he spoke if love, and I saw nothing but dishonesty. 

When you have to defend your marriage, and try to convince strangers that they're wrong, there is a problem. All of the advice you've been given is based on what you've said. Every time someone has pointed out a glaring truth about your husband, you come back with multiple examples of his much he loves you. Don't you find that odd? Who are you really trying to convince? Us, or yourself? 

The lies and manipulations that my husband was willing to go through, and put my son and I through,  so that he could continue cheating on me were EPIC. Looking back I am still amazed at the amount of effort he put into being so deceptive. If he'd worked even a quarter as hard to be a good man, we'd probably still be married.  

Personally, I don't believe that you're being so discreet, and not telling anyone, because you're embarrassed. No, I think you're holding it close to the vest because you're terrified that your loved ones will force you to see reality. His family knows about her, and yet they aren't stopping him, or telling you what a piece of garbage he is for betraying his family. That doesn't bother you?? It should!

I really hope, for the sake of you and your children, that you stop being blind to the havoc he is wreaking on your marriage, and family. No matter what he says, if he loved you as much as you are convinced that he does, he could not be jeopardizing his family for a woman who means nothing to him. To put it more bluntly, he loves her, and wants to be with her, so much so, that he is willing to destroy you, and your children, with his lies and manipulations to keep her in his life.

My divorce was brutal, and took almost 5 years. It's amazing how long someone can lie and deceive to get what they want. You've been experiencing how dedicated he is to deception for the past 4 years. Do you truly believe that if you were to say, "Pick one, your family or her" that he'd say "you"? 

I wish you luck.

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Indigo Night

[vla1120]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I know some of you are saying that he would be OK with leaving me, and maybe planning to leave when our boys are older but are we forgetting the romantic gestures that has NOTHING to do with our children. Outings, date nights, social media posts and acknowledgements for days concerning us, pet names, etc. These things have nothing to do with our boys. We went to a wedding this weekend, we let the boys stay with my sister and we attended the wedding as two adults. Photo booth photos, a great dinner, dancing, these are all things that had nothing to do with our kids. 

These are things if he was ok with leaving me, he wouldn't do, I just don't see it. Our children are no where in sight.

It seems as though both of you are very good at compartmentalizing. When he is with you, seemingly, Amanda does not exist and the two of you share marital bliss. Likewise, when he is with her, he is able to justify his social media postings as "standing next to a co-worker" and she is the one he loves and wants to be with. As long as you can continue to compartmentalize your marriage like this, and he can continue to compartmentalize his relationship with Amanda like this, the two of you could continue this charade for the unforeseen future.

You've described yourself as a "girly-girl" and as a bit naive. Maybe that is what frustrates me most. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I just don't understand how you continually allow his behavior to go unchecked. I've always considered myself strong and independent and I've always been the main breadwinner in the family, so I cannot imagine standing by and ALLOWING my husband to carry on an affair. Had I been you, I would have confronted him on DAY ONE and let the chips fall where they may, because there is no way I would ever allow myself to be made a fool of in front of my children, family, friends, etc. I would not take his "romantic gestures" the slightest bit serious, knowing he was lying to my face on a daily basis. To add insult to injury, you KNOW he lies to you. You KNOW he shares more with his AP than he does you, but you seem to be okay with allowing it to continue because you are afraid of the consequences of confronting him.

All I can think to say at this point is, honey, it is not the '40's or '50's anymore. Women are empowered to be in control of their own lives instead of at the mercy of their husbands' whims.

You say you've had your job for 10 years. I'm curious to know where your work. I cannot imagine many jobs today where you don't have to stand up for yourself and/or advocate for yourself to move further in your career. If you can advocate for yourself on the job, you should definitely be able to advocate for yourself in your marriage.

 

 

[Allupinnit]

It's because OP is afraid he's going to choose Amanda.  She thinks if she just lays low and makes all of his "family time" enjoyable, he won't leave, and that the r'ship with Amanda will naturally fizzle.  

If she confronts him and demands that he get rid of Amanda he most likely won't.  I think women often feel it's better to share her H than to be without him completely.  

 

[LynneVicious]

@Indigo Night Your post is truly sobering and heartbreaking. It sounds so similar to the op. I do hope she heeds your words and begins to take some power back. Thank you for sharing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

It's because OP is afraid he's going to choose Amanda.  She thinks if she just lays low and makes all of his "family time" enjoyable, he won't leave, and that the r'ship with Amanda will naturally fizzle.

Yes, exactly. 

She is not willing to hear or accept anything other than the narrative she's spun for herself. She will justify and explain away everything that doesn't fit. So all the wise words from posters here?

All falling on deaf ears. 

[Indigo Night]

17 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

@Indigo Night Your post is truly sobering and heartbreaking. It sounds so similar to the op. I do hope she heeds your words and begins to take some power back. Thank you for sharing. 

I learned my lesson, and hope that it will help someone else avoid wasting years of their life like I did 

I've been with my current husband for over 22 years, so I still got my happy ending. 😁

Edited August 11, 2021 by Indigo Night

[heartwhole2]

21 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

It's because OP is afraid he's going to choose Amanda.  She thinks if she just lays low and makes all of his "family time" enjoyable, he won't leave, and that the r'ship with Amanda will naturally fizzle.  

If she confronts him and demands that he get rid of Amanda he most likely won't.  I think women often feel it's better to share her H than to be without him completely.  

 

I suppose that's the crux. Some people know right away that they'd rather lose their partner than share them. Others would rather share them than lose them. Really OP, those are your choices at the moment. Maybe if you refuse to share, your husband will get rid of Amanda. But there's no guarantee that he would. He might choose divorce instead.

The thing you need to face and grieve and work through is that having your husband all to yourself is not a choice that you have at the moment. It should be; that's what marriage is. It's totally unfair. But it's your reality and you can't change it by wishing.

[justbrowsing85]

15 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Some people know right away that they'd rather lose their partner than share them. Others would rather share them than lose them. Really OP, those are your choices at the moment.

There isn't a choice to be made, is it?  I mean OP knows about Amanda and allows her husbands to carry on the affair.  She is already sharing her husband.....Sorry to be blunt.

[heartwhole2]

4 minutes ago, justbrowsing85 said:

There isn't a choice to be made, is it?  I mean OP knows about Amanda and allows her husbands to carry on the affair.  She is already sharing her husband.....Sorry to be blunt.

Yes, it's true that inaction is a decision too.

[Globug]

On 8/10/2021 at 11:42 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @pepperbird2 It really is horrible to deal with it. I think about it often, everyday but still able to get through my days as our children are home, so between work and them, I tend to keep busy mentally.

I have reached out to someone for a therapist. I have also been talking to the ones I have already confided in as well.

I have been reading this whole thread but have not really commented because the OP does not seem to grasp what is really happening here & keeps trying to say "Why would he do this/say that with me if she means that much. You have not confronted him yet either because:

1. You are scared if you do call his bluff he won't choose you.

2. You are getting addicted to the hunt/drama looking into his and her relationship..

Just hope you realize though the longer you wait to confront him the more power you will loose of him choosing you. The more he invest financially with her, shares with her, spends time with her the stronger her hold on him is.

If she decides to have a child with him that could be all he needs to finally make the jump because he does feel kids needs both parents & he would be failing one of his children regardless who he chooses to stay with. The fact that she holds his trust, his finances, his secrets, his hopes, his sexual attraction.... I think that would be the tipping point on which "family" he will choose. Do you want to wait that long & keep giving her more power?

I saw a quite today that made me think of your situation

"Learn the difference between connection and attachment. Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you."

She has the connection with your DH, you have the attachment.

If you can't confront him because you are scared of the results I understand that but to just sit & watch this blow up is hard to watch. I would at least be trying to makes some changes on the financial side to cover you and your kids when he decides to leave.  

[husbandcheating]

Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house.

 

I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on.

The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person.

I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on.

 

Thank you again.

[RebeccaR]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on.

It means nothing and in fact it’s an easy way for him to lull you into a sense of security that doesn’t exist. He is emotionally and physically intertwined with another woman, and lying to you about that fact. There is literally no cost to him of putting on the ring knowing it makes you happy.

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself.

Your therapist said that? Seriously?

Wearing a wedding ring means nothing. He’s not even wearing his wedding ring all the time - just “sometimes”. How much do you pay your therapist? Two peanuts an hour? Sheeeesh - Get real woman

 

[Indigo Night]

My ex wore his ring while he cheated on me. Your therapist is WAY off base! I'm a therapist, and would never claim that his wearing his ring meant nothing more than putting on a show for family. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person.

That seems like a ridiculous thing for a therapist to say.

You yourself state that he does not wear his ring - except when he is putting on a show for you and everyone else at a family gathering. That’s very much in keeping with what everyone has been saying to you, is it not. This marriage is for show,