My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

On 8/16/2021 at 12:26 AM, NYAG said:

I don't know about that. If he's only wearing it some times then it must mean he's being selective. What is he doing on the days when he's not wearing it? Does it mean he wants people to think he is single or does he sometimes just not put it on in the morning if he's just pottering around the house all day?

Thank you @NYAG. He wears it when we go out or attend events and affairs, holidays, family time, our children sporting events, school functions, etc. He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

[husbandcheating]

On 8/16/2021 at 1:13 AM, elaine567 said:

So by that logic, when he is not wearing his ring he is not committed?

@elaine567 According to my therapist she feels that he is still committed to our marriage because he chooses to stay in our marriage. That this affair is a war within himself possibly.

[Crazelnut]

With all due respect, your therapist is as deluded as you are. If he was committed to your marriage, he wouldn't be in love with another woman and COMMITTING to her by buying property in her name.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

46 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

@elaine567 According to my therapist she feels that he is still committed to our marriage because he chooses to stay in our marriage. That this affair is a war within himself possibly.

🤦  Nothing like enabling someone's codependence.

Your therapist is either not properly credentialed -OR- has not worked through her own "stuff" (with codependent tendencies and/or projections of her own) -OR- you are giving her a completely skewed picture of what is happening to the point she is not able to discern facts from your rose-colored opinions -OR- you are misinterpreting her words (like you do your husband's actions) -OR- some combination of the above.

For comparison, on Edith's thread, you can read how Edith ruminated obsessively over her husband's affair with a particular woman to the point she effectively avoided her own inner issues. Finally (recently) she started up with a therapist. Note how her therapist put her to task straight away to refocus her attention off of husband and onto herself, where it should be. Then they began to work on what Edith needs for herself and what is best for Edith. Such is the sort of therapy you need. Otherwise, just buy yourself a parrot and teach it to repeat what you want to hear. 

Bottom line, OP, is nobody can help you until you decide to help yourself. First you have to recognize there is a problem to begin with. You have to be open to exploring options you haven't considered. Have you read Edith's threads? You have much in common with the way you handle your husbands' infidelity. 

Edit: Alternatively, if you get a parrot, maybe the parrot will observe your husband's behaviors and overhear his interactions with OW. Then, the parrot can repeat the truth about what's happening until you finally believe it. I mean, parrots are very smart with the reasoning ability of a child. I know of at least one incident where the parrot helped law enforcement solve its owner's murder case by repeating the words of the victim and perpetrator. Maybe this can help. 😉

Edited August 17, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Hopefulandinlove]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @NYAG. He wears it when we go out or attend events and affairs, holidays, family time, our children sporting events, school functions, etc. He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

So he wears it with you out of the house, but when he heads out without you he doesn’t wear it. So when he’s with her. 
rings mean nothing if he’s kissing and loving another woman..... worry about what his hands are touching, more than what’s on his finger. 

[LynneVicious]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My therapist did say those things about the ring and she also says that him deciding to remain in our home says a lot. That he is still committed to our marriage regardless of the affair. 

I think you found a ‘therapist’ who would validate your feelings. Because he absolutely 100% CANNOT be committed to your marriage while in an active affair. Holy hell Batman. 

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

It sounds more to me that he is committed to keeping up the pretence where it's valid. Religion and wedding bands never stopped anyone from getting up to tricks if that's what they wanted but it's a great cover. I would be very careful about what your therapist is telling you here.

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

It seems that what he is basically saying here is that when he's not with you, he doesn't want anyone to know he is married.

[Indigo Night]

15 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

Your therapist is making a lot of assumptions, likely because she is religious.

I stayed with my ex for enough time to set myself up to leave him. We did things as a couple. I wore my ring. Etc. So what? I put on a great show so I could get everything  in order to leave him. Based on your therapists logic I wanted to stay in the relationship. Nope! I just needed time to prepare to leave!!

She's giving you flawed advice. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, Amanda wouldn't be an issue. PERIOD! 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

I stayed with my ex for enough time to set myself up to leave him. We did things as a couple. I wore my ring. Etc. So what? I put on a great show so I could get everything  in order to leave him. Based on your therapists logic I wanted to stay in the relationship. Nope! I just needed time to prepare to leave!!

People do what they have to do.
The OP seems very naïve as regards the ways of the world and seems to take everything at face value, when the world doesn't work like that.
Her husband is lying and cheating every day, yet he MUST love her, MUST be committed to her, as he wears his wedding ring... sometimes....

[Prudence V]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP seems very naïve as regards the ways of the world and seems to take everything at face value

Confirmation bias. I see it with novice undergraduate researchers all the time. They’re so desperate to prove XYZ that any shred of “evidence” is corralled into building a case, while any contrary evidence is disregarded / dismissed without serious engagement. In a university setting, though, they’re given constructive feedback and a chance to resubmit the work to pass the assessment. In OP’s case, if she doesn’t “get it right” first time, the consequences will be more severe. 

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

he doesn't want anyone to know he is married

…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to know he’s married to OP. 
 

It’s possible that OP’s H and “Amanda” have their own matching rigs that they wear when they go out together, buying property for example, or doing whatever other “building” activities they do as a couple - who knows?
 

OP’s H has shown that he knows how to keep OP off his back with a few superficial / cosmetic displays, so he can get on with the real project of building a life with Amanda, and since that’s really where his heart is, who knows how many other ways he demonstrates that?

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to know he’s married to OP. 
 

It’s possible that OP’s H and “Amanda” have their own matching rigs that they wear when they go out together, buying property for example, or doing whatever other “building” activities they do as a couple - who knows?
 

OP’s H has shown that he knows how to keep OP off his back with a few superficial / cosmetic displays, so he can get on with the real project of building a life with Amanda, and since that’s really where his heart is, who knows how many other ways he demonstrates that?

If this is the case, then this man is well, and I hate to use this term but it's actually quite apt, a dirtbag and someone who can never, ever, ever be trusted. Makes me wonder what he's got going on behind Amanda's back too.

Op, why are you letting the two of them run your life? They both sound like extremely dishonest people. I understand that you love "him' but don't you see...what you love isn't him. What you love is the image of him you have built up in your mind. This man has been actively lying to your face every day for the past three years. Think abut that. For the past thee years, every day he has looked into your eyes and lied, even if its just by omission. Never ever forget that to them, you are the enemy. They are both perfectly content with seeing you crumble if it means they can be happy. Your devastation is , at least in their minds, a fair price to pay for them to be together.  To them you are just a roadblock that's in their way.  They don't have any moral or ethical problems with what they are doing, and that tells you everything you need to know abut tour spouse.

All the trips, all the "family times", all the romantic and loving words he has said to you mean nothing. These were just ways to placate you and keep you quiet. Personally, I think Amanda is on a fool's errand.How she can trust this guy is beyond me. I doubt he's really capable of really loving anyone, except himself that is.

I know this may sound extreme, but I say let him go to Amanda if that's what he wants, but not before carting my behind on over to a layer's office. You're a mom with kids to protect. If you can't help yourself for yourself, do it for them. If you think waiting is going to make the situation any better, it won't. Even if he dropped Amanda tomorrow, can you honestly say you could ever trust him again?

[Prudence V]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

for the past three years.

Four years.

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Even if he dropped Amanda tomorrow, can you honestly say you could ever trust him again?

☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾This. 
 

OP seems to think her marital issues would all vanish if Amanda gave up on OP’s H. Yet OP’s H has made it abundantly clear to his brother that he has checked out of the M, that he sees OP “as a co-worker” whom he doesn’t trust to raise his kids… His tone about OP has been nothing but disrespectful and dismissive, despite all the window dressing on SM. He has said far too many things that can never be unsaid. They fight (frequently, fromOP’s description) and they fight dirty. He has been a horrible H to OP and *whatever happens / doesn’t happen with “Amanda”* I think OP would be foolish in the extreme to consider a future with this guy. No amount of religion or SM window dressing can compensate for how appallingly he has treated, and continues to treat, OP.
 

Sadly, she seems to have picked a lemon of a counsellor who is of the “stay together at all costs” and “stick your fingers in your ears” persuasion, so she will never help OP to recognise her own worth outside of this truly diabolical farce which OP considers a marriage. 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This man has been actively lying to your face every day for the past three years.

Four years actually...

[vla1120]

20 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My therapist did say those things about the ring and she also says that him deciding to remain in our home says a lot. That he is still committed to our marriage regardless of the affair. 

There are good and bad therapists. You might think your therapist is good because she's telling you what you want to hear. All she is doing is reinforcing the delusion you already have, that your cheating, lying husband is somehow dedicated to you and your marriage. She is doing you a serious disservice by helping you continue this fantasy you have that your husband is committed to you, playing along with this nonsense about what wearing (or not wearing) his wedding ring means. Meanwhile, he continues his affair with Amanda. He continues to funnel money away from YOUR family to HER business and possible real estate investments. 

I sincerely hope things work out in your favor. I'm just not very confident. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am curious if this therapist is actually a qualified, credentialed therapist. It's possible that she's got zero formal training and just uses the title of "therapist" or "counselor" or whatever without having any professional background. Depends on where and how OP found this person. 

I know a woman who was connected to a religious organization, and touted her services as therapy (religiously-oriented) Had business cards, certificates on the wall, the whole 9. Turns out she was not actually a therapist at all, but a woman who was "skilled at giving advice and spritual guidance." A closer look at her certificates revelaed they were not actual academic qualifications, but certificates of completion for various workshops and a few training sessions from other spiritual and religious entities. 

Just a thought. Some play fast and loose with the term "therapist."

[mark clemson]

Given that OP's primary concern seems to be that her husband eventually "chooses her" so she can maintain her marriage and family (and presumably what sounds like a pretty cushy lifestyle along with it):

- If one looks at and gives weight to all the things he's doing with OW, it looks bad in terms of him being likely to stay married.

- However, while I certainly don't give the wedding ring thing much stock, if one looks at and gives weight to all things he's doing with OP, it looks pretty good.

That's the problem with ambiguity - it could go either way.

OP, while you can hope for the best all you like, since it could indeed go EITHER way, I hope you are taking all the warnings to PREPARE for (potentially) the worst seriously.

[Starswillshine]

38 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

- However, while I certainly don't give the wedding ring thing much stock, if one looks at and gives weight to all things he's doing with OP, it looks pretty good.

What I would be most concern about in this is.... is he doing these things so that OP has no clue what is going on behind her back so that he can move all the pieces in his favor and royally screw over OP. I hate to be so cynical; however, this man is indeed engaged in an affair and investing family dollars into his OW and should not be given the benefit of the doubt. 

OP would rather bury her head in the sand because seeking knowledge and help on the matter (legal help) would mean that she would have accept that there is a real possibility that he may leave her, and she is not ready to do this. As a former BS whose husband was never planning to leave and was happy in our marriage, he still did a lot of underhanded and shady crap when I filed for divorce. Things I never would have thought him capable of. In OP's case, he has already started some shady practices.

[mark clemson]

^^ I agree that OP would probably be wise to "prepare for the worst" (potentially) and seeking knowledge and potential outside help would indeed be part of that. If they are in a joint property state, there's probably only so much he could do in terms of "shielding assets" from a divorce, but jurisdictions vary quite a bit so only a lawyer in her jurisdiction could help her with understanding that.

[Allupinnit]

I think the therapist probably doesn't have the entire picture regarding finances, family involvement, etc. and if we're going by appearances only then yes, it seems like he's a committed family man and Amanda is a distraction.  

Let's not start painting all religious counseling as quackery.  In fact I don't think I've ever been to a therapist who would have consulted me to divorce.  People go to counseling because they're trying to find a way THROUGH, not necessarily OUT.  

The fact is, though, that her H has not left and is going through the motions and if she didn't know about the OW she probably wouldn't have thought anything was wrong in the first place.  

I can't fault anyone for trying to keep their marriage intact at any cost.  I sure as hell wouldn't be pretending I didn't know about an affair, though.  How do you do it, OP?  How can you look at him and lay in bed with him at night knowing about this massive betrayal to your marriage and family without telling him??  Were you close before?  That isn't intimacy it is an act on both your parts.

[Indigo Night]

On 8/17/2021 at 10:24 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

My husband came home every night. He tucked our son into bed, and read him stories. He ate dinner with me. He attended family events. SO WHAT!!! HE WAS STILL CHEATING!

You know what he didn't want? To lose his @$$ in a divorce because we owned a business. It had NOTHING to do with being a good husband, or love. Nope. It was wanting his money, his mistress and his family. Sound familiar? Or are you not going to face reality, still?

Edited August 19, 2021 by Indigo Night

[Prudence V]

8 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Were you close before? 

Let’s look at the evidence, from OP’s own description:

On 6/20/2021 at 7:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically … My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago…

 

On 6/21/2021 at 5:38 PM, husbandcheating said:

IWe do not have sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but … I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

 

On 6/22/2021 at 3:51 AM, husbandcheating said:

he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". …I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her …I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

 

On 6/22/2021 at 4:40 AM, husbandcheating said:

I have seen text messages telling her I am his "roommate"… 

 

On 6/22/2021 at 7:11 AM, husbandcheating said:

he told me "You can get out of my house and I will buy you your own house"

 

On 6/23/2021 at 9:03 PM, husbandcheating said:

He doesn't mind the two youngest sleeping in our bed

 

On 7/12/2021 at 7:08 PM, husbandcheating said:

we have said numerous things in arguments, I have called him boring, complacent, selfish and while at the time he has been those things, its nothing to harp on, things are always said in arguments

 

On 7/12/2021 at 7:16 PM, husbandcheating said:

[elaine567]

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If they are in a joint property state,

They are not, she owns nothing. He owns the house along with his mother due to an inheritance, and the OP's name is not on the deeds.
The house has apparently never been a marital asset.

[mark clemson]

^^ Ok. There is the house and any other inherited assets, which she would presumably have no claim to. Then there is everything else earned during the many years of marriage (depending on how the jurisdiction looks at that). And spousal support, which also can vary.

She might do just fine in a divorce, by most standards, with or without the inherited house. Then again, if the laws in her jurisdiction allow for loopholes/ways to "protect" assets gained during the marriage and he has been actively shielding them, she might not.

But these would be questions best left to lawyers in her jurisdiction.