My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[vla1120]

@husbandcheating I was thinking about you and another poster out here who are both waiting on their men to make a decision. She's the OW, hoping her MM will leave his wife. You are the betrayed spouse, hoping your wayward husband will stay. I don't understand why women will settle for these "men" who are not giving them the respect they deserve. Well, actually, I do understand. I stayed with mine for 18 years after knowing he had cheated with my best friend. I now regret having wasted that much of my life on someone who did NOT deserve my time and attention. Had I left when I found out, my daughters would have been just fine. I would have been just fine. It was detrimental for all of us for me to stay and keep them in that situation for another 18 years. 

You've already spent so much time trying to convince yourself that your husband loves you and your family and that he's going to stay with you, while you KNOW he's with this other woman, taking money from YOUR family to invest in a future with HER. You see the messages to his brother, that he doesn't want to lose her (and you KNOW he's talking about HER, not you.) 

Honestly, you only get this one life. How much more of it are you going to WASTE with this lousy excuse of a man, who's planning to take you to the cleaners when he dumps you for his OW. For me, it took a breast cancer diagnosis to realize I was wasting my precious life on someone who did not deserve another minute of my time. Don't be me.

[Amethyst68]

On 11/3/2021 at 12:57 PM, elaine567 said:

Yes she works, but lives  in an expensive area so would struggle to maintain a reasonable standard of living on her wages.
He owns the house (inheritance), she would have no claim on that.

Not necessarily, where I live it would become marital property after a number of years of the couple living and contributing to the marital home. May be worth double checking with a lawyer rather than just taking it on faith. 

Regarding the email to the brother, you know he's already told him he's in love with the OW and the only reason he won't leave is because he doesn't trust you with the children. I hate to say it but I think it's obvious who the email it's about and it isn't you. 

[introverted1]

It sounds as though the OW has had enough and is putting pressure on your husband to make a commitment to her.  Will he?  Maybe, maybe not.  But even if he stays with you, your victory will be hollow.  You will now have a man who is angry and resentful at having lost the "love of his life" in order to stay in the same house as his kids.  Without the need to hide his affair, he will likely be far less inclined to play happy family with you, as he won't need that cover.  Is that what you want?

On 11/2/2021 at 8:34 AM, husbandcheating said:

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????????????????????????????????????????????

It's obvious he is talking about the OW.  He's in no danger of losing you.  We know it.  You know it.  He knows it. Think about it:  the only reason he is worried is because he doesn't fully have her.  He has you and if he wanted you and only you, he wouldn't have been carrying on an affair that is now nearing 5 years! 

[Allupinnit]

I'd message her and the brother and say you're completely aware of what is going on and that she's welcome to come gather him and that you'll be setting up the custody schedule 50/50 while you work out child support and alimony with your attorneys.

That will either wake him up to what he is about to lose WITH YOU *or* you'll be finally taking back some control of your life rather than leaving it to your lying, cheating H and his mistress to decide FOR you which will only benefit THEM.

Your option of hanging around hoping to be chosen will not serve you anymore.  The facts are staring you in the face, but you can't be compliant in his cheating anymore.  

 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/2/2021 at 6:08 AM, Hopefulandinlove said:

I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better. Im sorry it hurts so much. What have the therapists said?

Thank you @Hopefulandinlove. The two therapist that I have had have pretty much said the same thing. The latest and recent therapist that I have and talk to said he is violating our marriage but he is still present and makes strides to continue to be my husband. That I should plan and get my ducts in a row as a secondary plan but she does not believe he wants to leave the marriage because he would have done so and his actions would most likely be crude against me. I know you all are tired of hearing this, but my husband still is a husband to me. He encourages me to build out my dreams, he supports me when I talk about work or family. He is there for me and our family. 

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

. He is there for me and our family. 

But for how much longer?

[husbandcheating]

On 11/2/2021 at 7:44 AM, elaine567 said:

You need to get it into your head, that him spending time with you is not "magical" in his eyes.
He is fulfilling his role, nothing more nothing less.
You are projecting how you feel onto him, meanwhile he is spending time talking to her and trying to smooth the waters on her end.

Her obviously, who else?
Seems like she is looking for some sort of a decision from him, so I suggest you be prepared. 

Thank you @elaine567 for your response as always. Don't we all have roles to fulfill? I would expect him to fulfill his role as a father and a husband. Isn't this normal behavior? "Smooth the waters on her end"? I suppose I do not see it this way.

[husbandcheating]

On 11/2/2021 at 8:31 AM, Prudence V said:

Clearly his feelings about her haven’t changed, even if you’ve been able to distract yourself with kids’ activities and extended family engagements. 
 

Have you broached your extreme levels of denial with your therapists? 

@Prudence V Thank you. I would not call it distracting myself, I feel that I am just living my normal life just as the rest of my family. We are gearing up for the holidays at the lake and he has no hesitation to this. It is something we do every year and this year is no different. I am just typing this out loud here, but to me, she is a mere distraction versus real life. Real life is who you spend your days, nights, holidays and life with. 

I have told my therapists everything that I have said here. My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/2/2021 at 2:57 PM, BaileyB said:

It sounds like she is basically saying, he needs to make a decision. And considering that every indication is that he is planning a future with this other woman, you had best prepare yourself for the day that he tells you he is leaving…

@BaileyB Thank you. I have looked of course into more of their text conversations. We are both back at work and no longer remote. I honestly do not know when he would have the time to even see her. And I don't see any indication of planning a future with her other than possibly just words I have read. How true is a future with someone if you are still at home loving your wife and children. I do understand what you are saying though.

[elaine567]

Are you actually prepared for him leaving you?
Have you got your ducks in a row? 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/2/2021 at 10:25 PM, S2B said:

You better get your head out of the sand… he is about to screw you over and you just keep denying what’s real.

it doesn’t matter if you went to a family gathering and had fun for a night with him. It doesn’t matter if you have weekends together as a family.

he has his interest elsewhere and will get any free moment he has to focus on her.

brace yourself to be divorced. 

Thank you @S2B. "Any free moment that he has to focus on her" Definitely sounds like an after thought. You say it does not matter about our family gatherings, nights out together but when he has free time, is any better? 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

How true is a future with someone if you are still at home loving your wife and children.

How loving and true is a husband who is in an intimate relationship with another woman? 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How loving and true is a husband who is in an intimate relationship with another woman? 

 For four  long years...

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. 

Your cousin is correct.

[LynneVicious]

Op

I can’t help but to ask again... What advice are you looking for here? Everyone has given you very solid advice backed up by years of experience as many of us have been through something similar. Yet you continue to believe “she’s just a distraction, he loves you...”

You have seen the proof with your own eyes, yet believe only what you want to believe. I’m afraid no one can save you from yourself. 

[mark clemson]

If you're really ok with looking the other way, then, for you, it's a reasonable choice. Some significant % of marriages are look-the-other-way; not sure if it's 1% or 25% but they're certainly out there and common enough to be cliche.

However, as so many folks are suggesting, you still need to be prepared for the possibility that your husband one day suddenly leaves. There is a chance of this, probably not a high one, but it's definitely there. So get those ducks that were mentioned above in a row, just in case.

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone. I couldn't sleep, we have a really big weekend coming up, so I wanted to make sure I had everything ready to go before we begin our work day and it would be less to do when we all got home from school and work. As I was moving around, I heard my husband's musical sound, I went to turn it off (work email) and saw a calendar event that simply said "review babe's business proposal and look into celebratory dinner reservations" I immediately got flushed and deep dove back into his text messages. They still talk about their business, they exchange I love you's, exchange whereabouts even on weekends, he is telling her where we are when we are at family events, he even tells her when he is somewhere minor like the local coffee shop. A lot of the texts are unfinished but when I looked in his call log, he talks to her the majority of his day, one day I saw a total o 28 calls. This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

Someone above asked, what am I trying to gain here, it is still wisdome, advise and I suppose a place where I can say what I know and get perspectives on live events.

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

What do you mean?
You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

The texts are unfinished I guess because he then calls her or she calls him to finish the conversation.
Sounds like they are very close to me.
 

[Crazelnut]

Your therapist/counselor/whatever is doing you no favors. You should definitely go see a non-religious one! 

It makes me sad to see that you're still deep in denial. Woman, he literally tells another woman that he LOVES her. He calls her babe. He has literally said he is only staying with you out of obligation. Please wake up and get your ducks in a row before you get blindsided. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored.

Ho exactly do you draw this conclusion?

This is a sign of investment. It’s commitment. They speak regularly. One does not call 28 times a day out of boredom. One calls 28 times a day because they are in a relationship. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

If anything he is mired with his life, which is why he has another woman and he calls her 28 times a day… Happily married folk don’t do this. 

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. 

Please do. If he/she is advising you based on keeping your marriage intact for the purpose of your religious beliefs, then you will not be prepared when/if he breaks his vows to you and leaving you hanging high and dry. I hope that makes sense. You need someone who is going to look out for YOUR best interests in this situation without the influence of religious beliefs.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

A lot of the texts are unfinished but when I looked in his call log, he talks to her the majority of his day, one day I saw a total o 28 calls. This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

Please explain how you've come to the conclusion that 28 calls per day indicates "boredom??!!" He delays coming into your family/marital home to engage with you because he is sitting in the car talking to HER. I think you are placing your suspicions of "boredom" in the wrong place. He plays the game well, but it seems to me he gets his excitement fixes from her (going over business proposals and planning celebratory dinners) and just goes through the obligatory motions with you. I guess if you are okay with all of this, you can continue to claim victory because he comes home to you, spends his time with your family, and sleeps in your bed at night - until the night that he does not.

[Milly May June]

If you put half of your energy making a plan for yourself to protect your best interest instead of living in denail and convincing yourself that he is a swan among ducks you would be one step closer to breaking this codependancy you have with him. Nothing special about him at all. He is just a plain cheat and all that comes with that territory. Meaning he is leading you on future faking it big time worthy of an Oscar performance while you are in the biggest denial I have ever seen on boards like these. Your husband is a fake. Wake up!

[Allupinnit]

Ok then, he's bored.  Lots of bored married men cheat, you are right.  So why do you continue snooping on him and his GF?  Cheating isn't a deal breaker for you.  Let him have his fun, focus on your family.  This is your only option if you don't want to go crazy trying to police the other side of his double life.