My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone. When I say "bored", I am referring to him being bored at work so he needs a distraction to call her that many of times.

This weekend was a busy one. We are still with my family, and I can say that today I know for a fact he has no contact with her. He has made it a point to leave his phone in the car. It is so busy today with so many of us in attendance, I can definitely say his attention has been on family hence him leaving his phone in his car. He has been so hands on today with our family and it reminds me of good things. I wasn't feeling good earlier and he was so attentive to me as well making sure I was ok to carry on with the day.

Some of you mention that he is "in a relationship" with her. In your relationships, do you see yourself not talking to "the love of your life"? Like I mentioned, I know for sure he has not made contact with her. He still includes me in every weekend plan, holiday plans, etc. I know I have said this before and because I am thinking it, I am going to say it again, I would not want to be her. She gets absolutely nothing. 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 5:11 AM, Crazelnut said:

Your therapist/counselor/whatever is doing you no favors. You should definitely go see a non-religious one! 

It makes me sad to see that you're still deep in denial. Woman, he literally tells another woman that he LOVES her. He calls her babe. He has literally said he is only staying with you out of obligation. Please wake up and get your ducks in a row before you get blindsided. 

Thank you @Crazelnut. I am looking into a non religious which I do not think is a good idea but I am looking.

Aren't words just that-words? Babe is just a word as well to me. But I do get the point you are making.

 

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 5:22 AM, BaileyB said:

Ho exactly do you draw this conclusion?

This is a sign of investment. It’s commitment. They speak regularly. One does not call 28 times a day out of boredom. One calls 28 times a day because they are in a relationship. 

Thank you @BaileyB boredom at work in which he is calling her 28 times a day. Calling someone is a sign of investment? What kind of relationship do you really have if you can't spend the holidays with the person you are in a relationship with. I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband. I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 7:25 AM, vla1120 said:

Please do. If he/she is advising you based on keeping your marriage intact for the purpose of your religious beliefs, then you will not be prepared when/if he breaks his vows to you and leaving you hanging high and dry. I hope that makes sense. You need someone who is going to look out for YOUR best interests in this situation without the influence of religious beliefs.

Thank you @vla1120

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

I realize that you believe that because he spent the weekend with you and left his phone in the car, you believe him to be a dedicated and loving husband - 

Your level of denial is impressive. 

[Noproblem]

Divorce and learn to support yourself. This guy stayed with you by obligation!

Set him free as he doesn't love you!

[NYAG]

On 11/12/2021 at 12:19 PM, elaine567 said:

What do you mean?
You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

The texts are unfinished I guess because he then calls her or she calls him to finish the conversation.
Sounds like they are very close to me.
 

I thought she meant bored with her not the OW.

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I thought she meant bored with her not the OW.

I doubt that.
According to the OP SHE as his wife, is the love of his life, the one he adores, the OW has merely outstayed her welcome...
The  bit she missed/ignored is that HE phoned the OW 28 times... he is the one initiating contact not the other way round.
The OP is deluding herself and is in massive denial, in order to be able to live with the betrayal and disrespect she is experiencing from her husband.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would not want to be her. She gets absolutely nothing. 

That's true. Being the mistress is a lonely aimless and pointless place to be.

Keep in mind he's telling her divorce is imminent and you're a shrew you're like roommates and he's only staying for the kids. Those are standard lines cheating spouses use.

However knowing your husband is cheating isn't that great either. Yes you know where he is (most of the time) how you'll spend holidays and so on.

He may have to run a lot of "errands". That's when he can sneak off and contact her. That's why the phone is in the car.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being the mistress is a lonely aimless and pointless place to be.

Not so lonely when he is speaking to her on the phone up to 28 times a day... and that is not including the fact he is also making time to see her behind the OPs back.
Not so aimless or pointless  in this particular case either. They have a business together.

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

And I doubt your husband would call what he has with you a relationship, at least not a romantic one.

You have said a couple of times in this thread that you and your husband no longer have sex.  You prefer talking to physical intimacy.  Here's what I will tell you about that:  I can't think of a single man who would be happy or fulfilled in a sexless marriage.  Sex is the glue that binds and by taking sex off the table, you have essentially untethered your husband.  He's dutiful enough to remain in the marriage because he feels an obligation to his children, but it's quite clear that his romantic love is saved for Amanda. 

Leaving the phone in the car for a day means nothing. Perhaps Amanda told him she would be unavailable that day so he had no need to carry his phone with him.  You are imagining that he left it in the car because he wanted his focus to be on you. I have no idea why he left it in the car but I am nearly 100% certain his reason had nothing to do with you.

It's hard for me to understand how you are able to ignore what is happening right in front of you.  I wonder if it your inability to deal with real life that keeps your husband rooted.  You have said he would never leave his boys because he doesn't trust you to raise them.  Perhaps the refusal to see things as they are is part of why he feels he needs to stay.

In any case, you are playing a risky game, one where you believe that your husband's sense of duty will outweigh his desire for the romantic/sexual (aka adult) connection he has with Amanda.  At some point, she is going to force him to choose.  You are very confident that he is going to choose you, but many of us here are far less confident.  And, as has been mentioned before, even if he does choose you, he will be miserable, waiting out his time until your boys are old enough that he can leave.  Personally, I just wouldn't call that a relationship.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind he's telling her divorce is imminent and you're a shrew you're like roommates and he's only staying for the kids. Those are standard lines cheating spouses use.

In this case, it appears to be true.  OP has said she does not have sex with her husband, that she prefers talking to sex.  And he has made it clear in texts to his family that he would leave in a heartbeat if he could take the kids with him.  He offered to buy OP a house several years ago if she would go live in it and leave him with the kids.

If OP demonstrates the same lack of understanding about other issues in their life together as she has in this thread, this is one time where I don't blame the husband for stepping out.

[Pumpernickel]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband.

And…honest question: will you enjoy being with your husband during these events, knowing he’d rather be somewhere else? I’m really curious because I don’t understand: you know what he has been up to for almost half a decade, maybe longer, I mean you’re fully aware, but you can still look in his eyes, pretending you don’t know? How does that feel? Do you not feel any resentment at all? Do you still respect him despite all the hiding, lying and deceiving on his part? Or do you even feel relief? Relief that he hasn’t given you the boot yet, because there’s this protective shield between you that’s your boys? (No it’s not about you, and it’s probably not because he can’t let you go because he loves and adores you so much)

Or is it fear? Fear that if you take one wrong step, only just one, if you say one wrong word (that he might interpret as a mild accusation/confrontation), he would be gone?
 

How does all of that feel? I mean, it is just gut-wrenching to even imagine that any woman would live like that, put up with that. Because it’s a given that no self-respecting woman would do that. And if you’re not a self-respecting woman, your husband will not respect you either. And.It.Shows.

And even if you’re right, even if he really puts you first in your every-day-life, and even if it’s not just “for the kids” (and that’s a big if, obviously), how long will you be watching this in secret, without saying a word? Because, yeah, if you are okay with him having a second, parallel relationship, then there’s no problem, right? Don’t rock the boat! Is that it? ARE you indeed okay with his parallel, double life? If this is the case, why don’t you tell him then? Hey hubby, I know you’ve been dating and making all kinds of business and other plans with another woman. You seem to be really liking her a lot. I’m completely fine with that. Please continue, husband. ———- I mean that’s what he’s doing anyway, so why not just put it all on the table (with no confrontation). That way, the playing field will be more even. No more secrets. He’ll probably have some respect for you for speaking up and being proactive. 
(But yeah, I guess that’s not possible either, because that might give him an out. He’ll be like - well she knows now, no need to be secretive anymore. Everybody else knows too, including my brother, so let’s just get a divorce.)

So yeah unfortunately I think you’re very wrong in how you handle (or not handle) your situation. It’s like you don’t even have a life. You’re not in control of it anyway. Amanda controls your life, along with your husband. Is how I see it. It’s just all around sad. I wish you’d stand up for yourself. It’ll boost your ego, confidence and mental strength, and it’ll help your H respect you more, regardless of the end result. Seriously. Woman up!   
 

[elaine567]

I get the turning a blind eye, staying for the money and the kids, staying for the status and the lifestyle... etc. etc.
Keeping schtum to maintain the status quo... I get all of that.
Plenty woman have done that.
What I do not get here is the utter denial about what is really going on.
Self delusion Grade One.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

What kind of relationship do you really have if you can't spend the holidays with the person you are in a relationship with. I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband. I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

You are already aware that she is starting to give him ultimatums and pressuring him to leave you. I can hear him now, saying "I cannot leave now, during the holidays. I'll wait until after the holidays." It's a common theme. I remember my husband asking me to stay until after the holidays. Therefore, prepare yourself for the distinct possibility that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving and Christmas that you spend with your husband. 

What I really wonder is whether you will come out here and reveal when he has left you. I suspect you will be afraid of the many "I told you so's" that you might hear. However, I won't say I told you so. I will provide a sympathetic ear because I think it will be quite a shock to your system when/if he leaves you for her. You will need someone to lean on and to listen to you. I truly hope you have a support system near you.

[Mittens]

My father was 18 and had been with my mother for 6 months when she got pregnant..my mother is Australian, my father is British, they met in the UK. This was in the late 60s, my mother is Catholic, so of course they had to get married.  At this point my mother finds out my father has been lying to her about his age - she thought they were the same age, but my mother is actually 5 years older than him, at 23...

They get married, move to Australia and have two more children in a short space of time.  My father has a vasectomy after my younger brother is born (he's 24 at this point).   My father is also more or less continuously unfaithful to my mother - he starts working abroad when I am 9, which makes it easier for him, although we do accompany him abroad for about 5 years.   When I am 12, we are living in the UK, and my father suddenly decides he wants to go back to Australia...even though the reason we left in the first place is because he 'hated' living there.  He refused citizenship when it was offered, so he has to get a visa ...for some reason the processing is delayed (I think now he lied about when he sent his passport in) and he tells my mother that her and myself and two brothers should still fly out, he will join us later.  'Happily' his passport with visa arrives the morning of the day we are due to fly.  For some reason however, my father is LIVID....

I only found out why last year.  My mother admitted that my father had never intended to come with us, hadn't given up his job in the UK, and had even arranged alternative accommodation for himself for after we would have left!  He confessed his plan to dump us back in Australia to my mother that very same day.  He flew back with us to Australia, made the next 18 months absolute hell and then we all ended up back in the UK.    When I was 21, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18, 3 days after my wedding and on my mother's 47th birthday...he left her for OW.   That was 33 years ago.  He married the OW and they are still happily married...

My mother was in total denial.  Even though my father kept having affairs, she always believed he wouldn't leave her.  She thought religion and children  was enough to keep them together.  All the time my father was waiting until his 3 children were all adults.  My mother was a SAHM that whole time.  She ended up losing the family home as there was still a mortgage on it and she couldn't buy my father out.  She now lives in a tiny housing association flat on just a disability pension.  She turned 80 this year and is STILL in denial about everything.   

Be smarter than my mother was. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Mittens

[Hopefulandinlove]

Could you fix your sex life? If you think that’s all Amanda has going for her with your husband- change it and see. 

[Pumpernickel]

On 11/16/2021 at 8:36 AM, Hopefulandinlove said:

Could you fix your sex life? If you think that’s all Amanda has going for her with your husband- change it and see. 

That's like rewarding him for his cheating....... oh wait ..... yup .......

[Hopefulandinlove]

On 11/18/2021 at 3:04 PM, Pumpernickel said:

That's like rewarding him for his cheating....... oh wait ..... yup .......

Or eye opening.... 

[husbandcheating]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to update everyone as the Holiday season has come. As I mentioned before, my husband spent Thanksgiving with me and our family. We had a great time! We even had couple nights with all of our family that is our age and our perspective spouses/partners! Myself and the ladies planned this and he was there with bells on! He didn't miss a beat! Memories created and being made. We have been really busy, again holidays and all of our children are still active in their sports wrapping up their seasons and we heavily traveling from school to school to attend these games and events, we are always together with our children, family and extended family. This is why I continue to say what type of relationship do they really have? A lacking one. He spends most of his time with me, his wife. His children. His family. I thought of reaching out to her but I was advised against this.

There has been many talks about ultimatums. I had read a text from him to her saying as such thanking her for not giving him any ultimatums and her relaying to him "honey we are all adults, and I don't make any do anything, this is your life and you need to make your own decisions based on your own happiness. Choose you." Reading this, I do see it as he chose him as he chose me . This is reassuring. 

I have also seen text from him saying things like "I really do love you" and her responding "I love you too". Those seem to still be happening. I do have a question for the board. Love is an action word, and while most will say that he does not love me as he is in this affair, he definitely does not love her. Most of you had stated, you feel that he does love her, his actions purely say this is not true as again he spends most of his time with me, why say such? My husband makes sure he is home every weekend, never missing an event or time with me. Love is an action word.

The most recent text exchange I saw from him was asking her what she wanted for the holiday and vice versa. More holiday talk and more L word bombs. I still want to contact her and tell her it is wise to move on as she is being strung along.

This weekend, we have another family getaway for snowboarding and skiing!

[Milly May June]

I am dying to tell you to speak to the OW so something in this situation changes. At least then you will know where your husbands priorities lie. But I am positive you have not taken any steps to protect yourself financially if things so sour and he choses her so I would advise you NOT to poke the bear until you do at least make a plan. 

What I can say for certain is that a man who fakes it until he makes it does not love anyone but himself. He is not showing with his actions that he loves her (he is stringing her along) but he is not showing that he loves you either (lying and cheating is as far away from love you can probably get). So it's really not a question which one of you he loves more. He does not really love her or you. 

If I was you I would start digging into his finances to see how much of your joint marrital assets he is spending on her and her business. Start saving records and start digging. Just in case.

 

[elaine567]

A man can spend all his time at work with a work colleague and attend every work event that comes up...
He may be engaged, he may be the life and soul, but does that mean he does not love his wife who is sitting at home, whilst he fulfils his work obligations?
You are assuming because he feels obligated to spend time with you and his kids, he doesn't love her.
Wake up.
He is telling her all the time he loves her...
How does that not register with you?

 

[vla1120]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Love is an action word, and while most will say that he does not love me as he is in this affair, he definitely does not love her.

Ugh. You just don't get it. You are living in a fairytale land. I don't care whether he loves HER or not. His actions PROVE he does not love YOU. His cheating and lying is disrespectful to you and to your family. You KNOW he has told his brother he does not trust you to raise YOUR children. That is totally disrespectful to you as the mother of his children. Why is he playing this charade? You think it is because he's still fully engaged with you. Umm. Seriously. How can he be fully engaged with you when he's bonking another woman - when he's telling ANOTHER woman he loves her? 

When you first came out here, I was pretty convinced he was setting up his life with her and planning to leave you. But, alas, you might be right. He may stay with you for eternity because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Think about it. If he leaves you for her, he becomes the cheater, the man who betrayed his wife and family. If he stays with you, he's the honorable husband who kept his family intact (but mind you, he's STILL bonking the other woman!) However, please don't try to convince me that he's a wonderful husband and father, and is fully engaged with you and the family. He's not. He is a lying cheater. You know this. You are comfortable living in this scenario as long as he does not leave you. Gently, you have to own that now and stop pretending it's any different that what I described (for your own sanity.)

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by vla1120

[Milly May June]

Please also see a therapist who specialises in co-dependancy. You are very dependent on him both financially and emotionally. Once you start breaking this cycle you will see him for who he really is. 

[Allupinnit]

I think you're right he's got everything he wants between the two of you, like the vast majority of cheaters.

Why can't you just stop snooping on him?  Let him have his fun, he shows up for you when it counts (in your mind).  So much great family time and memories being made without *her*.  You seem to be really happy the way things are - in fact, maybe SHE is helping prop up your marriage.