Mittens Posted November 15, 2021 Share Posted November 15, 2021 (edited) My father was 18 and had been with my mother for 6 months when she got pregnant..my mother is Australian, my father is British, they met in the UK. This was in the late 60s, my mother is Catholic, so of course they had to get married. At this point my mother finds out my father has been lying to her about his age - she thought they were the same age, but my mother is actually 5 years older than him, at 23... They get married, move to Australia and have two more children in a short space of time. My father has a vasectomy after my younger brother is born (he's 24 at this point). My father is also more or less continuously unfaithful to my mother - he starts working abroad when I am 9, which makes it easier for him, although we do accompany him abroad for about 5 years. When I am 12, we are living in the UK, and my father suddenly decides he wants to go back to Australia...even though the reason we left in the first place is because he 'hated' living there. He refused citizenship when it was offered, so he has to get a visa ...for some reason the processing is delayed (I think now he lied about when he sent his passport in) and he tells my mother that her and myself and two brothers should still fly out, he will join us later. 'Happily' his passport with visa arrives the morning of the day we are due to fly. For some reason however, my father is LIVID.... I only found out why last year. My mother admitted that my father had never intended to come with us, hadn't given up his job in the UK, and had even arranged alternative accommodation for himself for after we would have left! He confessed his plan to dump us back in Australia to my mother that very same day. He flew back with us to Australia, made the next 18 months absolute hell and then we all ended up back in the UK. When I was 21, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18, 3 days after my wedding and on my mother's 47th birthday...he left her for OW. That was 33 years ago. He married the OW and they are still happily married... My mother was in total denial. Even though my father kept having affairs, she always believed he wouldn't leave her. She thought religion and children was enough to keep them together. All the time my father was waiting until his 3 children were all adults. My mother was a SAHM that whole time. She ended up losing the family home as there was still a mortgage on it and she couldn't buy my father out. She now lives in a tiny housing association flat on just a disability pension. She turned 80 this year and is STILL in denial about everything. Be smarter than my mother was. Edited November 15, 2021 by Mittens 11 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopefulandinlove Posted November 16, 2021 Share Posted November 16, 2021 Could you fix your sex life? If you think that’s all Amanda has going for her with your husband- change it and see. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 On 11/16/2021 at 8:36 AM, Hopefulandinlove said: Could you fix your sex life? If you think that’s all Amanda has going for her with your husband- change it and see. That's like rewarding him for his cheating....... oh wait ..... yup ....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopefulandinlove Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 On 11/18/2021 at 3:04 PM, Pumpernickel said: That's like rewarding him for his cheating....... oh wait ..... yup ....... Or eye opening.... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 How old are your kids again? what is it that you do/don’t do that makes your husband think you don’t take care of your kids? have you had mental deficiencies in your history that keeps you vulnerable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 Hello everyone, I just wanted to update everyone as the Holiday season has come. As I mentioned before, my husband spent Thanksgiving with me and our family. We had a great time! We even had couple nights with all of our family that is our age and our perspective spouses/partners! Myself and the ladies planned this and he was there with bells on! He didn't miss a beat! Memories created and being made. We have been really busy, again holidays and all of our children are still active in their sports wrapping up their seasons and we heavily traveling from school to school to attend these games and events, we are always together with our children, family and extended family. This is why I continue to say what type of relationship do they really have? A lacking one. He spends most of his time with me, his wife. His children. His family. I thought of reaching out to her but I was advised against this. There has been many talks about ultimatums. I had read a text from him to her saying as such thanking her for not giving him any ultimatums and her relaying to him "honey we are all adults, and I don't make any do anything, this is your life and you need to make your own decisions based on your own happiness. Choose you." Reading this, I do see it as he chose him as he chose me . This is reassuring. I have also seen text from him saying things like "I really do love you" and her responding "I love you too". Those seem to still be happening. I do have a question for the board. Love is an action word, and while most will say that he does not love me as he is in this affair, he definitely does not love her. Most of you had stated, you feel that he does love her, his actions purely say this is not true as again he spends most of his time with me, why say such? My husband makes sure he is home every weekend, never missing an event or time with me. Love is an action word. The most recent text exchange I saw from him was asking her what she wanted for the holiday and vice versa. More holiday talk and more L word bombs. I still want to contact her and tell her it is wise to move on as she is being strung along. This weekend, we have another family getaway for snowboarding and skiing! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 I am dying to tell you to speak to the OW so something in this situation changes. At least then you will know where your husbands priorities lie. But I am positive you have not taken any steps to protect yourself financially if things so sour and he choses her so I would advise you NOT to poke the bear until you do at least make a plan. What I can say for certain is that a man who fakes it until he makes it does not love anyone but himself. He is not showing with his actions that he loves her (he is stringing her along) but he is not showing that he loves you either (lying and cheating is as far away from love you can probably get). So it's really not a question which one of you he loves more. He does not really love her or you. If I was you I would start digging into his finances to see how much of your joint marrital assets he is spending on her and her business. Start saving records and start digging. Just in case. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 A man can spend all his time at work with a work colleague and attend every work event that comes up... He may be engaged, he may be the life and soul, but does that mean he does not love his wife who is sitting at home, whilst he fulfils his work obligations? You are assuming because he feels obligated to spend time with you and his kids, he doesn't love her. Wake up. He is telling her all the time he loves her... How does that not register with you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Love is an action word, and while most will say that he does not love me as he is in this affair, he definitely does not love her. Ugh. You just don't get it. You are living in a fairytale land. I don't care whether he loves HER or not. His actions PROVE he does not love YOU. His cheating and lying is disrespectful to you and to your family. You KNOW he has told his brother he does not trust you to raise YOUR children. That is totally disrespectful to you as the mother of his children. Why is he playing this charade? You think it is because he's still fully engaged with you. Umm. Seriously. How can he be fully engaged with you when he's bonking another woman - when he's telling ANOTHER woman he loves her? When you first came out here, I was pretty convinced he was setting up his life with her and planning to leave you. But, alas, you might be right. He may stay with you for eternity because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Think about it. If he leaves you for her, he becomes the cheater, the man who betrayed his wife and family. If he stays with you, he's the honorable husband who kept his family intact (but mind you, he's STILL bonking the other woman!) However, please don't try to convince me that he's a wonderful husband and father, and is fully engaged with you and the family. He's not. He is a lying cheater. You know this. You are comfortable living in this scenario as long as he does not leave you. Gently, you have to own that now and stop pretending it's any different that what I described (for your own sanity.) Edited December 10, 2021 by vla1120 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 Please also see a therapist who specialises in co-dependancy. You are very dependent on him both financially and emotionally. Once you start breaking this cycle you will see him for who he really is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 I think you're right he's got everything he wants between the two of you, like the vast majority of cheaters. Why can't you just stop snooping on him? Let him have his fun, he shows up for you when it counts (in your mind). So much great family time and memories being made without *her*. You seem to be really happy the way things are - in fact, maybe SHE is helping prop up your marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) @husbandcheating- To me it’s clear he wants to be w/somebody else, but he believes he can’t (yet). There is that. Focus on that. And her - she doesn’t seem distressed. She doesn’t feel left out. Whatever exciting things you think you do with him & offspring and/or extended family - she doesn’t know anything about all that. It won’t bother her. He doesn’t tell her. She might not even be interested. So no - she doesn’t feel like she’s got the short end of the stick. Maybe she’s content with the way it is. Maybe her not pressuring him and keeping him on a long leash, or no leash at all actually, is her calculated way of making sure he desires her even more. And quite frankly, it’s been working. And maybe it’s not even a cold calculation on her part. Maybe that’s just who she is. A free spirit who gets everything she needs out of this affair: a lover who showers her with love, sex and affection & an intelligent business partner. Win-win. My friendly warning to you is this: Do not focus on what you think she gets or doesn’t get from him, in order to use this false assumption as a benchmark to evaluate the quality of your marriage, and even worse, HIS feelings for her (or you). The fact that he spends a tenth of his time with her, and 9/10 of his time with you, does not make him a devoted husband who is (fully) present, does not make your marriage great & healthy, and doesn’t mean that he prefers you as a woman to her as a woman. Plain and simple. Stop assuming & start paying attention to what’s really going on. This man has desires that haven’t been fulfilled within your marriage & family bubble for YEARS. Edited December 10, 2021 by Pumpernickel 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 15 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: This man has extracurricular desires that haven’t been fulfilled within your marriage & family bubble for YEARS. FIFY Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 19 hours ago, husbandcheating said: As I mentioned before, my husband spent Thanksgiving with me and our family. We had a great time! We even had couple nights with all of our family that is our age and our perspective spouses/partners! Myself and the ladies planned this and he was there with bells on! He didn't miss a beat! Life is good! If this is true, why do you feel the need to convince a bunch of strangers on a message board that your husband loves you? 5 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Life is good! If this is true, why do you feel the need to convince a bunch of strangers on a message board that your husband loves you? I was also seeing the same thing… Coming to the thread once every few weeks or so just to tell everyone how committed he is to her. Op, it seems you need to convince yourself with these proclamations and prove to us he is dedicated to you and she is being strung along, but really, this is doing you absolutely no favors. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, LynneVicious said: I was also seeing the same thing… Coming to the thread once every few weeks or so just to tell everyone how committed he is to her. It’s predictable - after every holiday, ever few weeks she comes back to the board to tell everyone how they spent the holiday together, they were with family, he told me that he loves me and our family, “He was there with bells on. He didn’t miss a beat!” There is then a not so subtle dig - “What type of relationship do they really have? A lacking one. He spends most of his time with me, his wife. His children. His family. He definitely does not love her.” You then go on OP to recount their communications - dismissing the very fact that your husband is communicating with another woman is the very problem here… No, you seem to provide your own reassurance that he is committed to you and you want everyone to know it! You have clearly made your decision - you have accepted the situation and you are prepared to ride this out to the very end… Thats your decision, it’s your life. Perhaps defending your marriage with the people on this site gives you some sense of control - I don’t know why you do it. It makes no sense to me why you post when you are already clearly decided to accept this situation. Edited December 11, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted December 28, 2021 Author Share Posted December 28, 2021 Thank you everyone that has responded. Today I have been reading the thread from top to bottom. I think that I am starting to see what everyone has been saying but there is a part of me that thinks because my husband is still here, he wants to be with me.No one is putting a gun to his head making him stay with me. For the past four days, we have been at my family's cottage and he has been present of course doing everything that he has always done. He is always HERE when he is HERE, engaged in all of our family things. I did look at his phone Christmas night and saw that he had texted her a great holiday and that he and her were going to be together forever. With her response being the same and telling him to have a great holiday. I am tearing up as I write this as I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... but how is this possible when he lives with me, sleeps in the same bed with me and does every single family thing with me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 It’s possible - because you don’t do a thing to make it change. he’s got both. That’s what he wants. iF you don’t want to be in a relationship that has 3 people involved - then divorce him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Estes Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) 58 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... but how is this possible when he lives with me, sleeps in the same bed with me and does every single family thing with me From what your husband wrote that to the other woman, at some point she will be his present, the one he sleeps with and does family things with, and you will be in the past. However, as many married guys do, they repeatedly lie to both women, telling the other woman to wait and he'll be with her some day, while also promising his wife he'll stop talking to and being with the other woman. Of course he's planning on continuing to be with both of them and has no plans to do anything differently. Why would he? Although your situation might be different. He might actually dump you for the other woman if you don't pull the plug first. Edited December 28, 2021 by Estes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 Please get a full time job ASAP! Get yourself into a position of earning enough of your own money to support yourself. Because when the time comes for your H to make his move and be 100% with his OW you don’t want to be at the mercy of only his money (and all the decisions made by him due to his earned income). Bare minimum, start protecting YOUR future! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 OP I think your fog about this situation is slowly lifting. That is a painful but a good thing for you. Please look into protecting yourself financially in case things go sour and make sure to save all documents about 'their bussines' (at least 25% of it is yours if it was paid for with marital assets assuming he invested half). If you want this situation to change you need to make that change. He is happy as a clam living with his kids, loyal and devoted wife appliance, does not need to worry about loosing half of your joint assets and paying you alimony or child support. He gets his side chick and romance on the side. Life for him is good NOW. But once 'their' bussiness takes off and there are no more kids to support and he drains your joint accounts he will start picking fights with you and make the marriage a problem. He will start saying that he needs space or he wants out. This will start happening once the youngest kid is close to being legal adult. He is making an exit plan. But the fool will soon realise that he has wasted energy since you have known all this time. The joke will be on him. Especially if you follow everyones advice here regarding how to protect yourself. Save all his texts. Save all the records about their bussiness and get hold of all your financial records. Keep it somewhere safe. You will need it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 12 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... Maybe you don't understand as it is not something you could do, but he is not you and you are not him. Plenty people stay in "functional" marriages, whilst their "one true love" is elsewhere. Some are in affairs and some are just pining for their lost love... The gun to your husband's head is his kids, without them he would be long gone, sorry to say. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 22 hours ago, husbandcheating said: He is always HERE when he is HERE, engaged in all of our family things. I did look at his phone Christmas night and saw that he had texted her a great holiday and that he and her were going to be together forever. So, yes, he is physically present, but is he really there with you 100%? The messages he sent her indicate otherwise. If you are happy with the status quo, then simply keep going with things as they are. You do not have to convince us of anything. You're not willing to confront him because of the fear that might push him to take action for which you are not prepared. And so, be happy that he is at least physically present with your family, for the time being. Only you have the ability to let him know you are aware of his other woman - the "love of his life", and force his hand to make a decision between the two of you. Of course (again) you do not need to do that if you are content with the status quo. I DO hope you are making some preparations on the side to be able to take care of yourself financially should the day come when he asks you to leave HIS home. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 On 12/28/2021 at 12:15 AM, S2B said: Please get a full time job ASAP! Get yourself into a position of earning enough of your own money to support yourself. Because when the time comes for your H to make his move and be 100% with his OW you don’t want to be at the mercy of only his money (and all the decisions made by him due to his earned income). Bare minimum, start protecting YOUR future! Before getting a job, talk to an attorney. Getting a job prior to may affect the amount of money you can receive. So sometimes attorneys advise you hold off on this. There is seriously nothing holding you back from speaking to an attorney to know your rights and to protect yourself. Why haven't you taken this step yet? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
1Mind Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 I would like to suggest that you start working on your mind and racing thoughts. The mind is a peculiar thing. Your mind will begin to put your husband on a pedestal. Your mind will bring in all the past memories of great times. You need to be mindful and focus on what is happening now. You will also need to control anxiety. When we are confronted with painful situations like this it is common to become paralyzed. Sadly, you need to focus on what is actually happening and not constantly thinking of what was or what could have been. Make time for this or you will go crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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