My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Allupinnit]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Before getting a job, talk to an attorney. Getting a job prior to may affect the amount of money you can receive. So sometimes attorneys advise you hold off on this.

There is seriously nothing holding you back from speaking to an attorney to know your rights and to protect yourself. Why haven't you taken this step yet? 

Seriously!!  He's starting a BUSINESS with HER with YOUR MONEY!  Money that belongs to your children's futures!  I don't know how you can remain frozen in this inaction.  Think of all the powerful women in history who enacted change; be like them and stand up for yourself and yours!  You've got a hungry wolf at the door and rather than grabbing your proverbial shotgun you're hoping she just goes away!  The problem is your husband keeps throwing delicious scraps at the wolf to keep it coming back, when it wants to DESTROY your family!

[S2B]

In the event of divorce - the court will normally rule in the “potential” earning of the non working spouse.

but really, in this situation - it seems that the OP is dependent on the income from her wayward spouse.

so I suggest she actually begin by earning her own money so she doesn’t feel SO dependent on him.

that way she gives herself choices. Choices by earning money herself! 

that - or start siphoning off the extra money he’s using to give to his OW for HER business! That would get his attention.put the money in your name only. Tell him it’s for your future business.

 

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do work full time, it is just my husband makes more than I. We live in a very expensive town and he has always handled all bills and my money has been my money. I have been fortunate to not have to pay car notes, house bills, etc. Speaking of money, and assets. She has sent screenshots of accounts, I don't know if these are just her accounts, but she has multiple accounts with her own children and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY. 

I have been just looking at him for the last couple of days trying to see something and I have no idea what that is. He really is present at home and at our events and we still laugh and have times as our family. I don't know what is happening with m mental state currently. I just catch myself staring at him often.

Edited December 30, 2021 by husbandcheating

[S2B]

He isn’t the man you thought you married.

he lives a double life. You are in a relationship that involves three people! Why don’t you ask him about all that he hides? Start speaking up! He’s made your M a farce and you deserve answers.

[Sioned]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

 and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY.

How does this not make you throw up with anger and horror? How? 

This woman is setting up bank accounts for YOUR children!!! While you are sitting back and letting it happen! Yes she cares about YOUR children - she seems to already see them as HER children! She is literally investing time and money in YOUR children - setting up a future for them without you- and you haven't even gotten angry yet!  All you seem to care about is that your "husband" attends events with you and keeps up appearances. Are you really that shallow????  Blimey - I'm furious that a woman would go that far as to even dream of setting up accounts for children that are NOT her own, and I don't even know you!

Your husband doesn't seem to talk to you about it because you show no interest in it. You are happy as long as you have the appearance of a happy family and can post on social. He really does seem to treat you like a puppy dog - as long as he pats you on the head and tells you you are a good doggy you are happy. He knows the kind of person you are, and he knows how very little you require of him to be happy and stay out of his way while he sets up a new life and gets the excitement and conversation he needs. Thats fine if that's what you want - but its clearly not what he wants - he wants a woman who has some Gumption and can talk to him and is interested in business and finance and insuring a financial future for his Children. And the other woman clearly has plans to support YOUR children and offer them something tasty when your husband finally makes his move.

Please - get ANGRY.   DO something. She has your husband and your money already - are you really going to sit back and do nothing while she takes your children too??????

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY.

Hmm. I thought you said you didn't work earlier in the thread?

At any rate, she certainly seems to be "invested" in things working out with him (pun intended).

Assuming all of this is real, it's good you're aware of these accounts - consider getting the numbers, etc of all of them, in case of divorce so an accurate tally of what may be owed you can be made.

A lot of it will depend on your state's laws and practices, but e.g. potentially any money she puts in an account with his name on it might be 1/4 yours, for example (1/4 of the balance at the time divorce is started, typically). And money she gives to a minor may be "fully vested" meaning she cannot take any of it back.

So try to keep you eye on that ball as you make any other decisions about what to do. It's possible that IF you divorce you may wish to hire a forensic accountant to trace what happened (although they tend to be expensive to hire from what I understand).

Overall, the fact that they are apparently sharing finances beyond what is business related is NOT a good sign IMO.

Edited December 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

This is much more involved than imagined.

It's pretty obvious they are laying all of the groundwork to be together and for her to be a stepmom to your kids.  All I can say is at least it looks like she cares about your kids and wants the best for them; a lot of stepkids aren't so lucky.

You both are living a lie, a facade.  I'm sure you look like a nice family on social media and he enjoys appearing to be the perfect family man.  But it's pretty clear he's going to leave you, it's just a matter of when.  

I think you're afraid to speak up because deep down you know faced with the ultimatum he's going to choose her.  I'm so sorry; I know this is heartbreaking.  It really is up to you to determine your future at this point because they're already determining theirs together.  Are you going to allow them to steamroll you even further?  

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

She has sent screenshots of accounts, I don't know if these are just her accounts, but she has multiple accounts with her own children and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in.

You need to SAVE these screenshots and take them to a lawyer. So, finally, you are starting to look at him in a different light. This is way overdue. I'm glad you work full time and I hope you've been able to save a little nest egg for yourself because it really looks like you are going to need it for your future. If I were you, I would make it a priority to get screenshots of these accounts and financial conversations between them and have them in a file ready to present to a lawyer. He's hiding money from you. He's setting you up for a very disappointing fall from grace. I hope you take this seriously and talk to a lawyer. Otherwise, I suspect he's got all his ducks in a row so that when he blindsides you, he will leave you penniless and without a home to live in. Please, please see a lawyer. That doesn't automatically mean divorce, but it DOES mean you care enough about yourself to protect your assets (for both you and your children.)

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He really is present at home and at our events and we still laugh and have times as our family.

You could assess your husband as a good, family man because he is engaged and involved in your family life - if he was not also engaged with another woman in a very serious way. The fact that he is engaged with another woman - emotionally, sexually, financially - negates/supersedes anything else.

It’a like - you could asses a man as an intelligent, hard working man at work - a real team player. But let’s say he is also embezzling money from his employer. Once that fact is known, you can’t then determine that the man is a wonderful employee because he’s present, he works hard, and he is liked by his coworkers. 

Edited December 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Justwary]

Ok, just came across this site and read your story. I do have a few questions.  When you two got married, did you both vow to forsake all others?  If you eventually purchase a house in both your names, couldn't your husband file for divorce and then he and his affair partner could live in the house that he inherited from his family? Could your husband be investing cash into the shared business with his mistress (and not putting his name on anything) so if he divorced, you can't touch the business because it's in Amanda's name only?  Please, at the very least, gather all the evidence of the affair and keep it in a safe place (just in case). You will decide what you want to do, but please protect yourself.

 

[Justwary]

Ok, just came across this site and read your story. I do have a few questions.  When you two got married, did you both vow to forsake all others?  If you eventually purchase a house in both your names, couldn't your husband file for divorce and then he and his affair partner could live in the house that he inherited from his family? Could your husband be investing cash into the shared business with his mistress (and not putting his name on anything) so if he divorced, you can't touch the business because it's in Amanda's name only?  Please, at the very least, gather all the evidence of the affair and keep it in a safe place (just in case). You will decide what you want to do, but please protect yourself.

 

[Justwary]

Please protect yourself. Save any/all evidence in a safe place just in case.  He may be investing in the mutual business with just money so if he does divorce, it's in her name only. Also, he has the family house to fall back on if you and he  do buy a new residence and he decides to divorce. Better safe than sorry!

[Prudence V]

On 12/30/2021 at 5:03 AM, husbandcheating said:

I don't know what is happening with m mental state currently. I just catch myself staring at him often.

Perhaps your blinkers are finally coming off, and you’re starting to see what’s afoot? 
 

Nothing that you’ve posted in your recent updates is reassuring - well, not about the state of and prognosis for your marriage. I imagine if Amanda is reading, she might find it reassuring. 

[Mittens]

Your 'husband' will be gone the minute he doesn't need you to facilitate a relationship with the children...so probably when the youngest is about 16 or so...definitely by the time they are all over 18.  I'd be willing to bet serious money on it. 

[husbandcheating]

Wanted to post an update. I know most of you are maybe tired of me but I honestly don’t have many to talk to as all of my friends are his friends wives and partners. 
 

Of course we have had an eventful couple of weeks with family and our children sports and athletic programs. Coincidentally we went out of town and so did Amanda for her children. The reason I found this out is that every morning we were out of town, my husband would go for a drive or sometimes throughout the day would be on the phone. I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her. I suppose they had a disagreement and he was begging her via message to see her. “Begging” is not an exaggeration either. He kept asking to see her and telling her she was the one he loved and more nonsense. For him to stoop so low to beg another woman to see het is beyond me. Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts? Of course I continuously ask this question but it’s only a conversation between myself. 
 

I’ve seen many of text messages but so can only imagine what actually is being said person to person. I have seen many messages to her telling her there is no escaping and that they are tied for life. They even have matching tattoos. I’m floored. 
 

But again, my husband does not miss a beat at home. He comes home, he doesn’t stay out late, he attends everything without refusal and we continue to do all things together. I still continue to look at him with so many questions! 
 

I have read other topics and the majority of things I see is others still telling others that men rarely end up with their affair partner but my thread, it seems a little different. Part of me is wondering are we salvageable. I do feel that he telling her he loves her are just words.

[husbandcheating]

On 1/7/2022 at 1:32 AM, Mittens said:

Your 'husband' will be gone the minute he doesn't need you to facilitate a relationship with the children...so probably when the youngest is about 16 or so...definitely by the time they are all over 18.  I'd be willing to bet serious money on it. 

Hello @Mittens thank you for your response. Why are you willing to bet money on this and the majority of people of this site always say “husbands won’t leave their wives” 

[husbandcheating]

On 1/6/2022 at 4:49 AM, Prudence V said:

Perhaps your blinkers are finally coming off, and you’re starting to see what’s afoot? 
 

Nothing that you’ve posted in your recent updates is reassuring - well, not about the state of and prognosis for your marriage. I imagine if Amanda is reading, she might find it reassuring. 

Thank you @Prudence V for your reply. I don’t know but I do stare at him often thinking and wondering and sometimes blankly.

[husbandcheating]

On 1/2/2022 at 3:49 PM, Justwary said:

Please protect yourself. Save any/all evidence in a safe place just in case.  He may be investing in the mutual business with just money so if he does divorce, it's in her name only. Also, he has the family house to fall back on if you and he  do buy a new residence and he decides to divorce. Better safe than sorry!

Thank you @Justwary

[husbandcheating]

On 12/30/2021 at 3:13 PM, BaileyB said:

You could assess your husband as a good, family man because he is engaged and involved in your family life - if he was not also engaged with another woman in a very serious way. The fact that he is engaged with another woman - emotionally, sexually, financially - negates/supersedes anything else.

It’a like - you could asses a man as an intelligent, hard working man at work - a real team player. But let’s say he is also embezzling money from his employer. Once that fact is known, you can’t then determine that the man is a wonderful employee because he’s present, he works hard, and he is liked by his coworkers. 

Thank you @BaileyB for this analogy.

[Pumpernickel]

@husbandcheatingYour M is over. He places more importance on Amanda than he is on you and your family. It doesn’t matter if he is physically there or not. He obviously doesn’t wanna be there. He is just there because he has to.

 

He will end up with Amanda. And if not? What are you gonna do? Will you continue to be married to him not mentioning anything of what you know? I don’t think so - bc even if Amanda  breaks up with him (which is unlikely), you’re gonna be stuck with him and you will be stuck with him forever and you will know what you know and it will haunt you for eternity. So what is your choice?
 

Your choice is to speak up or to not speak up. Which one are you choosing? He’s not going to leave her. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Part of me is wondering are we salvageable.

How exactly do you plan to salvage your marriage when your husband is in a secret relationship with another woman? 

Seriously, he is sneaking away to call and see another woman - begging her to agree to talk/see him.  That’s not a man who is committed to his marriage. That’s a man who is committed to his affair partner. 

 

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts?

Because she doesn’t mean peanuts to him. She is a very important part of his life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. 

[SouthernIslander]

This is a very long time to know something this extreme and not mention it to your husband.  I think you need to tell him that you know about the affair and come to an agreement on an open marriage since that’s basically what this is and it will remove all this lying.

Seems that you’re more concerned about him leaving you then the cheating.  God knows, I don’t see how you have been able to hold onto this without saying something.  

[S2B]

Ahhhh, so now she is infringing on your family vacation time. 
why can’t you ask your own husband why he left for a drive every morning? Where he was going? When he would be back?

your marriage isn’t a close marriage. It’s a marriage that is for show and pretending.

there is no way you can be close with him when he is so so so closely knit with his OW.

im sorry, but the fact that you can’t and don’t just TALK to HIM about your concerns shows clearly that you two are not close.

sure, he pretends with you - he’s an A+ pretender! 

did you stop to wonder if maybe she was upset because maybe she’s pregnant? Maybe she is! 

either way - he’s willing to ruin YOUR vacation time to go see her each day!

your marriage is in shambles.

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I have read other topics and the majority of things I see is others still telling others that men rarely end up with their affair partner but my thread, it seems a little different.

In other threads, I have not heard of a man investing $$ in a new business with his OW, telling her he is preparing for THEIR future together. 

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Of course we have had an eventful couple of weeks with family and our children sports and athletic programs.

He seems to be doing a good job at keeping up appearances. What a wonderful family man he seems to be (to those who don't know he's bonking another woman, investing in her business, and talking about buying a house and setting up household with her behind his wife's back.)

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Coincidentally we went out of town and so did Amanda for her children. The reason I found this out is that every morning we were out of town, my husband would go for a drive or sometimes throughout the day would be on the phone. I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her. I suppose they had a disagreement and he was begging her via message to see her. “Begging” is not an exaggeration either. He kept asking to see her and telling her she was the one he loved and more nonsense. For him to stoop so low to beg another woman to see het is beyond me. Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts? Of course I continuously ask this question but it’s only a conversation between myself. 
 

I’ve seen many of text messages but so can only imagine what actually is being said person to person. I have seen many messages to her telling her there is no escaping and that they are tied for life. They even have matching tattoos. I’m floored. 

I honestly don't know how you keep up this façade with him, knowing what you know. He got matching tattoos with her? That's a permanent testament to his feelings toward her and it's another thing I've never seen on these forums. A MM getting matching tattoos with his OW is pretty bold and pretty telling. Did he tell you about this tattoo? What reason did he give for getting the tattoo? I don't know how you haven't packed a bag and left his sorry cheating arse, quite frankly. 

[vla1120]

Oh, also, I meant to say that it sounds like she might be putting some pressure on him to finally pull the trigger and leave you. While it would be great if your deepest wish came true and he stayed with you (cad that he is), I hope you have taken steps to prepare for that eventuality. Please take care of yourself and consult a lawyer to ensure your interests are protected.