Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 On 1/7/2022 at 1:32 AM, Mittens said: Your 'husband' will be gone the minute he doesn't need you to facilitate a relationship with the children...so probably when the youngest is about 16 or so...definitely by the time they are all over 18. I'd be willing to bet serious money on it. Hello @Mittens thank you for your response. Why are you willing to bet money on this and the majority of people of this site always say “husbands won’t leave their wives” Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 On 1/6/2022 at 4:49 AM, Prudence V said: Perhaps your blinkers are finally coming off, and you’re starting to see what’s afoot? Nothing that you’ve posted in your recent updates is reassuring - well, not about the state of and prognosis for your marriage. I imagine if Amanda is reading, she might find it reassuring. Thank you @Prudence V for your reply. I don’t know but I do stare at him often thinking and wondering and sometimes blankly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 On 1/2/2022 at 3:49 PM, Justwary said: Please protect yourself. Save any/all evidence in a safe place just in case. He may be investing in the mutual business with just money so if he does divorce, it's in her name only. Also, he has the family house to fall back on if you and he do buy a new residence and he decides to divorce. Better safe than sorry! Thank you @Justwary Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 On 12/30/2021 at 3:13 PM, BaileyB said: You could assess your husband as a good, family man because he is engaged and involved in your family life - if he was not also engaged with another woman in a very serious way. The fact that he is engaged with another woman - emotionally, sexually, financially - negates/supersedes anything else. It’a like - you could asses a man as an intelligent, hard working man at work - a real team player. But let’s say he is also embezzling money from his employer. Once that fact is known, you can’t then determine that the man is a wonderful employee because he’s present, he works hard, and he is liked by his coworkers. Thank you @BaileyB for this analogy. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 @husbandcheatingYour M is over. He places more importance on Amanda than he is on you and your family. It doesn’t matter if he is physically there or not. He obviously doesn’t wanna be there. He is just there because he has to. He will end up with Amanda. And if not? What are you gonna do? Will you continue to be married to him not mentioning anything of what you know? I don’t think so - bc even if Amanda breaks up with him (which is unlikely), you’re gonna be stuck with him and you will be stuck with him forever and you will know what you know and it will haunt you for eternity. So what is your choice? Your choice is to speak up or to not speak up. Which one are you choosing? He’s not going to leave her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Part of me is wondering are we salvageable. How exactly do you plan to salvage your marriage when your husband is in a secret relationship with another woman? Seriously, he is sneaking away to call and see another woman - begging her to agree to talk/see him. That’s not a man who is committed to his marriage. That’s a man who is committed to his affair partner. 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts? Because she doesn’t mean peanuts to him. She is a very important part of his life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 This is a very long time to know something this extreme and not mention it to your husband. I think you need to tell him that you know about the affair and come to an agreement on an open marriage since that’s basically what this is and it will remove all this lying. Seems that you’re more concerned about him leaving you then the cheating. God knows, I don’t see how you have been able to hold onto this without saying something. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 5 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I have read other topics and the majority of things I see is others still telling others that men rarely end up with their affair partner but my thread, it seems a little different. In other threads, I have not heard of a man investing $$ in a new business with his OW, telling her he is preparing for THEIR future together. 5 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Of course we have had an eventful couple of weeks with family and our children sports and athletic programs. He seems to be doing a good job at keeping up appearances. What a wonderful family man he seems to be (to those who don't know he's bonking another woman, investing in her business, and talking about buying a house and setting up household with her behind his wife's back.) 5 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Coincidentally we went out of town and so did Amanda for her children. The reason I found this out is that every morning we were out of town, my husband would go for a drive or sometimes throughout the day would be on the phone. I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her. I suppose they had a disagreement and he was begging her via message to see her. “Begging” is not an exaggeration either. He kept asking to see her and telling her she was the one he loved and more nonsense. For him to stoop so low to beg another woman to see het is beyond me. Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts? Of course I continuously ask this question but it’s only a conversation between myself. I’ve seen many of text messages but so can only imagine what actually is being said person to person. I have seen many messages to her telling her there is no escaping and that they are tied for life. They even have matching tattoos. I’m floored. I honestly don't know how you keep up this façade with him, knowing what you know. He got matching tattoos with her? That's a permanent testament to his feelings toward her and it's another thing I've never seen on these forums. A MM getting matching tattoos with his OW is pretty bold and pretty telling. Did he tell you about this tattoo? What reason did he give for getting the tattoo? I don't know how you haven't packed a bag and left his sorry cheating arse, quite frankly. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 Oh, also, I meant to say that it sounds like she might be putting some pressure on him to finally pull the trigger and leave you. While it would be great if your deepest wish came true and he stayed with you (cad that he is), I hope you have taken steps to prepare for that eventuality. Please take care of yourself and consult a lawyer to ensure your interests are protected. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 12 hours ago, husbandcheating said: . I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her . They even have matching tattoos. Is your husband aware that you know of his affair? How does he explain the tattoo? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 12 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: @husbandcheatingYour M is over. He places more importance on Amanda than he is on you and your family. It doesn’t matter if he is physically there or not. He obviously doesn’t wanna be there. He is just there because he has to. He will end up with Amanda. And if not? What are you gonna do? Will you continue to be married to him not mentioning anything of what you know? I don’t think so - bc even if Amanda breaks up with him (which is unlikely), you’re gonna be stuck with him and you will be stuck with him forever and you will know what you know and it will haunt you for eternity. So what is your choice? Your choice is to speak up or to not speak up. Which one are you choosing? He’s not going to leave her. Thank you @Pumpernickel I don’t know understand why I haven’t said anything. It could be fear, I don’t want any conflict because of our children, I don’t know. Sometimes, I blame myself for even looking that day because I wouldn’t have known. Like I’ve mentioned, my husband is here. He’s not on the phone in the evening, we settle down as a family. We do everything as a family. That means the world to me because he is focused on what we have built together. And if he is focused on what we built together, in my head, this fly by night thing with Amanda will eventually go away. You mentioned “he’s not going to leave her”. This is similar to what he’s messaged her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 10 hours ago, BaileyB said: How exactly do you plan to salvage your marriage when your husband is in a secret relationship with another woman? Seriously, he is sneaking away to call and see another woman - begging her to agree to talk/see him. That’s not a man who is committed to his marriage. That’s a man who is committed to his affair partner. Because she doesn’t mean peanuts to him. She is a very important part of his life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. Thank you @BaileyB This may sound trivial, and again these are just my thoughts and questions that I need to get out. How important is she really in his life if they don’t talk at night ( he is settling down at home with us), if he isn’t going home to her at the end of long days, outings with our children uninterrupted. How “important” could one be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 9 hours ago, SouthernIslander said: This is a very long time to know something this extreme and not mention it to your husband. I think you need to tell him that you know about the affair and come to an agreement on an open marriage since that’s basically what this is and it will remove all this lying. Seems that you’re more concerned about him leaving you then the cheating. God knows, I don’t see how you have been able to hold onto this without saying something. Thank you @SouthernIslander I am still trying to understand why I haven’t spoken about it either. For the most part, our life is great. As mentioned, he is very present in our family. And of course I want her family to remain in tact. Our love story I don’t feel is over so I guess I am waiting for this phase to end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 8 hours ago, S2B said: Ahhhh, so now she is infringing on your family vacation time. why can’t you ask your own husband why he left for a drive every morning? Where he was going? When he would be back? your marriage isn’t a close marriage. It’s a marriage that is for show and pretending. there is no way you can be close with him when he is so so so closely knit with his OW. im sorry, but the fact that you can’t and don’t just TALK to HIM about your concerns shows clearly that you two are not close. sure, he pretends with you - he’s an A+ pretender! did you stop to wonder if maybe she was upset because maybe she’s pregnant? Maybe she is! either way - he’s willing to ruin YOUR vacation time to go see her each day! your marriage is in shambles. Thank you @S2B. When he would leave in the morning, he would tell us he was going for a drive before the day started. Pretty normal to me before I looked in his messages to see that he went for drives to her. I don’t believe that someone new could take away what we have. We have known each other over 20 years, been together since we were teenagers. That’s a bond that’s not easily broken. I know why she was upset and it is not pregnancy. I wouldn’t have known about his drive if I didn’t look. I don’t think he intentionally wanted to ruin anything. He wasn’t gone for extended periods of time, it is just I went looking yet again. I don’t know why I haven’t confronted him yet, I wish I could answer this myself. So much I have read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 After my husband turned in for the night, after an hour of going back and forth with myself, I sat and read through their messages. I found out she’s made doctors appointments for him, traveled to the bank with him, helped him with very personal family business, work matters. He talks to her with our children in the car. She’s made him lunches for work. His call log is ridiculously inundated with her contact. HOW MUCH CAN ONE PERSON TALK TO ANOTHER??? This all makes me extremely mad but and I think I have mentioned this before, does any of this really matter? Because the times that matter, who he’s home with, who his evenings come down to, on the weekends he is with me, our family and extended family. And while I wouldn’t want to be me, I wouldn’t want to be her either. The moments she has with him are fleeting. How important can one be to someone if you can’t spend your last moments of the day with them. I can’t believe he trusts her with the things I have seen. Ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: does any of this really matter? Yes, of course it matters. You already know that. 16 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: I don’t know why I haven’t confronted him yet It's quite simple: because then you would have to face reality and watch your marriage really collapse around you. Like people who ignore a growing lump on their body because they know, deep-down, the doctor is going to have bad news for them and they're not ready to deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 Someone mentioned “he’s not leaving her.” I have seen him say the same thing to her. ”I am never leaving you” “Our heart contract is forever binding” ”You have me forever and there is no exiting this journey regardless of the bumps along the way, I found my soulmate and our bond and chemistry, nothing compares” This all sounds like a crock of bull! But hurtful nonetheless regardless if they are just words. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 12 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: Someone mentioned “he’s not leaving her.” Does your husband know you know about his affair and monitor it? Affairs are not 'either/or' they are' And'. He has a life/marriage with you And an affair/sex/relationship with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 1 hour ago, husbandcheating said: Thank you @SouthernIslander I am still trying to understand why I haven’t spoken about it either. For the most part, our life is great. As mentioned, he is very present in our family. And of course I want her family to remain in tact. Our love story I don’t feel is over so I guess I am waiting for this phase to end. To be honest, its 1 of 2 things. He either has deep feelings for her or he has the type of emotional connection with her that he does not have with you. From what I am reading, you love the image of a nuclear..but not him. Love can be a very strong, volatile and protective emotion…which makes it impossible to sit on something like this for as long as you have . I am not saying his cheating is your fault, the both of them are 1000% wrong for this..but I think you really need to take a deep dive on why you’re able to consistently read this level of betrayal and disrespect not say anything. Are you in therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Does your husband know you know about his affair and monitor it? No, he certainly doesn’t. She won’t tell him, and he hasn’t figured it out yet (read through the thread, it’s all there). He also isn’t too careful with his phone, it seems. He acts like he almost wants to get caught & be confronted, and I also kind of understand why. The M is hanging by a thread. As soon as somebody (him or her) says something, the whole thing will blow up. Also - I remember reading somewhere that they have no sex life. I can’t find the relevant post(s) right now, but if this is the case, he most certainly feels very disconnected from @husbandcheatingwhich in turn will solidify the affair relationship even more. The A will not run its course, it will always be there. And sooner or later, the A will turn into the main relationship, and if I look at the situation, the decision-making & the timing will be in Amanda’s hands at the end of the day. She holds all the cards. I will never understand how anybody can be that passive about their life. It’s your life. Why aren’t you proactive about it? Things are already bad enough. Whatever you do proactively, @husbandcheating, it’ll make things better. Edited January 23, 2022 by Pumpernickel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 Stop snooping. You're only making yourself miserable. She *could* theoretically be gone from your marriage if you just ignore it. Look, you've already convinced yourself that he'll stay with you because your marriage holds more weight to him than an affair. So let him have his fun. I've said this before but if you have no interest in sex with him, she's probably propping up your marriage, giving him things he doesn't get from you. You have the kids and the family life, she gives him the sex and intellectual stimulation. He's got it pretty damn good especially because you both know about each other but refuse to leave his sorry ass. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 4 hours ago, husbandcheating said: After my husband turned in for the night, after an hour of going back and forth with myself, I sat and read through their messages. I found out she’s made doctors appointments for him, traveled to the bank with him, helped him with very personal family business, work matters. He talks to her with our children in the car. She’s made him lunches for work. His call log is ridiculously inundated with her contact. HOW MUCH CAN ONE PERSON TALK TO ANOTHER??? This all makes me extremely mad but and I think I have mentioned this before, does any of this really matter? Because the times that matter, who he’s home with, who his evenings come down to, on the weekends he is with me, our family and extended family. And while I wouldn’t want to be me, I wouldn’t want to be her either. The moments she has with him are fleeting. How important can one be to someone if you can’t spend your last moments of the day with them. I can’t believe he trusts her with the things I have seen. Ridiculous. HC, what I think you are not considering is that your husband has two very different relationships with you and Amanda. With you, he possibly has what is called companionate love. He values you as the mother of his children and he values the idea of an intact family. This satisfies the part of him that loves his children and is concerned with responsibility and duty. With Amanda, he has what is called romantic love. They have passion between them, they have sex. For men, this is crucial; I do not think men can love a woman romantically unless they are also having a physical relationship with her. You have stated that you are your husband no longer have sex, that you prefer talking in the evenings over any sort of physical intimacy. I do not think your marriage is salvageable for the fact that it seems your husband married you only because you were pregnant and this is not his first affair, although it appears to be his longest lasting. Either he does not see you as his romantic partner or he is man incapable of being faithful. My money is on the former. I can't speak for anyone else here but the reason I think your husband will ultimately leave you is that he needs romantic love and physical intimacy. These are essential for most people. I understand from what you have written that they are not essential for you, but in this respect you and your husband are mismatched. As your children get older and need less and less daily attention from your husband, he will feel he has been dutiful enough and that's when he will leave to find his own fulfillment. The reason men typically do not leave is because the AP is usually an addition to the wife, not a replacement for her. Those men are still having a sexual/intimate relationship with their wives, so when the proverbial s*** hits the fan, they usually decide to stay put and work on the marriage. In your case, though, there really is no marriage to work on: you and your husband are both focused on raising your boys but you are not focused on each other. You do not share the emotional or physical intimacy that is the glue for a marriage. The mere fact that you found out about your husband's and Amanda's matching tattoos from text messages, rather than observing it on his body, speaks volumes. I get the sense from what you've written that you do not see sex as important, so perhaps this is part of why you are unable to understand the bond that exists between your husband and Amanda. It may also explain why you are content with the fact that he shows up -- at dinner, on vacation, at family events, etc. -- and see this as a measure of commitment and devotion rather than what I'm guessing he'd see it as - duty and obligation. You think Amanda is unimportant because your husband doesn't spend the last minutes of the day with her. I bet she thinks you are unimportant because she has shared deep emotional and physical intimacy with him, and knows him in ways you don't even know exist. I think you really need to get into therapy with someone who is trained in affair counseling and who can help you see things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Either your current therapist is remiss in how she is guiding you, or perhaps you have not been honest with her about the nature of your husband's affair. Carrying on reading your husband's text exchanges is only going to eat you alive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Is your husband aware that you know of his affair? How does he explain the tattoo? @Wiseman2 he has not explained the tattoo. He does not know I am aware of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, SouthernIslander said: To be honest, its 1 of 2 things. He either has deep feelings for her or he has the type of emotional connection with her that he does not have with you. From what I am reading, you love the image of a nuclear..but not him. Love can be a very strong, volatile and protective emotion…which makes it impossible to sit on something like this for as long as you have . I am not saying his cheating is your fault, the both of them are 1000% wrong for this..but I think you really need to take a deep dive on why you’re able to consistently read this level of betrayal and disrespect not say anything. Are you in therapy? @SouthernIslander I’ve loved him since we were teenagers. Our love story to me is one that most wish they had. It’s very hard for me to know this information but I also have a hard time thinking about even bringing this up to him as I do believe this will subside. This is just another chapter in our story that I feel will be done quickly. It’s very hard and hard to understand why is he even doing these things. I am in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: No, he certainly doesn’t. She won’t tell him, and he hasn’t figured it out yet (read through the thread, it’s all there). He also isn’t too careful with his phone, it seems. He acts like he almost wants to get caught & be confronted, and I also kind of understand why. The M is hanging by a thread. As soon as somebody (him or her) says something, the whole thing will blow up. Also - I remember reading somewhere that they have no sex life. I can’t find the relevant post(s) right now, but if this is the case, he most certainly feels very disconnected from @husbandcheatingwhich in turn will solidify the affair relationship even more. The A will not run its course, it will always be there. And sooner or later, the A will turn into the main relationship, and if I look at the situation, the decision-making & the timing will be in Amanda’s hands at the end of the day. She holds all the cards. I will never understand how anybody can be that passive about their life. It’s your life. Why aren’t you proactive about it? Things are already bad enough. Whatever you do proactively, @husbandcheating, it’ll make things better. Thank you @Pumpernickel. I did initiate sex last week and he obliged. To me we had a great time! how can an affair turn into the primary relationship? This reminds me of something he messaged her. Link to post Share on other sites
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