My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[RebeccaR]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

It is more of a task than anything to me.

HC, sadly I imagine he can sense that. It seems like he wants to be with someone who can react to sex more enthusiastically. And it seems like he found Amanda and developed an emotional bond with her.

[poppyfields]

>>But I do feel this signifies that he does not want to leave me or takes that woman seriously. He comes home to me and chooses to do so.

I'm sorry OP I don't mean to be cruel but what in the world!  Yes he chooses to do so for appearances sake and for the sake of your children.  So as to not tear their worlds apart by leaving while they're growing up and need him.

Please I implore you -- become aware.  You appear to be so blind to the realities of not only your own situation but LIFE.  It's truly mind boggling, even my mom had some awareness of what was happening but she chose to look the other way to keep the marriage in tact.

Like you, she had ZERO sexual desire for my dad, and that was huge for my dad, please do not underestimate the power sexual attraction and intimacy IS in any relationship or marriage.

I almost wish I hadn't opened this thread because it's bringing back a lot of unpleasant memories for me.  Yes our situations are THAT similar.

Are you in any sort of individual therapy?  I apologize if this has been discussed previously.  If not, please do so and find a good one!  One who will help you to understand basic nuances of human behavior and relationships.

Your denial and lack of awareness is troubling and upsetting.

 

[SouthernIslander]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@S2BIt is not that I do not have sex with him, we do ever so often, but there are more important things to do to me. Our lives are very busy and making memories with all that we do mean a lot to me. I love to have fun with our family and our friends. It is more of a task than anything to me.

The fact intimacy feels like a task is another example of a disconnect in your marriage. He is very wrong for cheating but your comments come off like you brush off issues that you don’t find important without serious consideration for how it affects him.  

Just seems more like creating your own reality vs. true companionship.   The affair isn’t going to end as long as you allow it and ignore the problems in your marriage. 

 

[Amethyst68]

How many years must this affair go on until you recognise that it is serious?  It's already been  3-4 years!

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, SouthernIslander said:

The fact intimacy feels like a task is another example of a disconnect in your marriage.

The fact that this woman doesn’t believe that sex is an important part of marriage shows the disconnect in her thinking. Or perhaps, a better word would be priorities.

Edited February 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Jonttu]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that this woman doesn’t believe that sex is an important part of marriage shows the disconnect in her thinking. Or perhaps, a better word would be priorities.

How often have we heard how cheating partners refuse to have sex with their SO, because in their minds they are 'cheating' on the AP?

Still it is very unhealthy and toxic. Who is to blame, that is the question?

[Allupinnit]

42 minutes ago, Jonttu said:

How often have we heard how cheating partners refuse to have sex with their SO, because in their minds they are 'cheating' on the AP?

Still it is very unhealthy and toxic. Who is to blame, that is the question?

All three of them in this love triangle, at this point.

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that this woman doesn’t believe that sex is an important part of marriage shows the disconnect in her thinking. Or perhaps, a better word would be priorities.

While this may be so it doesn't excuse his cheating on her.  That's why I think Amanda actually makes it easier for him to stay with OP.  

We hear of lots of cheating men who have plenty of sex with their wives, yet STILL cheat.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

While this may be so it doesn't excuse his cheating on her. 

No, it certainly doesn’t. And I’m not saying that a woman doesn’t deserve her marriage if she does not have sex with her husband - the sexual aspect of many marriages fades with age and health problems yet people continue to be happy and satisfied with this marriage.

This man is not satisfied. He is a young man who desires sex and he has found someone who will provide what his wife does not. While you may be satisfied with long conversations, spending time with your family, and the occasional date night/valentine gift OP - your husband is not.

That’s the trade off you have made - he keeps you in the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed and he has found a partner outside the marriage that enables him to stay in his marriage - for the time being, for his children. The key phrase there - for the time being…

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

How many years must this affair go on until you recognise that it is serious?  It's already been  3-4 years!

I think it will go on until he leaves OP. 

And possibly even then, she won't truly grasp it. 

[heartwhole2]

OP, when I look ahead, I can see your husband leaving when the kids leave home. It's hard enough on us moms when your kids leave home, and I worry that having an empty nest at the same time your husband leaves will pull the rug out from under you. I think it would be better to deal with things now and live an authentic life. Start building a life based on honest relationships with people who make YOU a priority so that when your kids leave the house, you will have a rich life of your own that isn't dependent on a man who plans to be with someone else.

Look, I know, you don't want to believe he could leave. Just try to make space for the fact that none of us have guarantees about anything. You are in a very vulnerable position, and no one but you can take steps to fix that.

[Jonttu]

OP, often children know more than you can imagine.

Why not ask your eldest son what he thinks about Amanda and his dad?

We were frustrated when knowing about dad, yet mom somehow managed to be blind to him and we didn't want to hurt her so we kept it a secret. It was horrible to keep it as a secret. Had mom asked us directly.... then we would had told about our friend seeing two glasses in dad's apartment (for work) and lipstick on one of them, just as one example.

Do you have the courage to ask your children in a friendly and nonchalant way?

[husbandcheating]

I have much of your responses to read. Thank you everyone. He is currently in the garage with our sons. Our oldest kept telling him to come to the garage so he left his phone in haste. This word for word from a text conversation today :

Him: "I don't come home to her, I come home to my kids. Fake social media, don't you see behind those post, she doesn't love me, she has known me for a long time."

Her: "Semantics babe. I understand the core of it all, you know I was in a two decade relationship past its expiration date, but yet quite different."

Him: "Let's talk about it later baby, are we still meeting for lunch, where did you want to go?"

Her: "Your choice babe! Yes lets chat about it over appetizers! Babe, don't forget to remind (insert OUR middle son's name) to bring his paperwork home and remember the gift to (insert OUR family friend's name) gift for the party this weekend! I think I'll just go fetch it before we meet! "

Him: "Ok babe, only if you have time to go to the store babe, thank you a million. Can't wait to see you, its been so long, about 19 hours?"

Her: "LOL 19 hours too long! I will grab the gift and wrap it and then that's under the belt already"

Him: "Ok babe be safe!"

What in heaven's sake is this crap???????????????????????????? So now he is lying to her saying he doesn't come home to me? I hope she isn't falling for that! Lunch? Reminding him to do things for OUR children???? Picking out things for OUR friends?????????!

He will be coming in soon and we are supposed to play a family game. Unbelievable. Much to say.

 

 

[heartwhole2]

No friend, he's not lying to her. He's lying to you.

He means he comes home to a house you happen to be in for the kids. They are his motivation, not you.

Edited February 5, 2022 by heartwhole2

[heartwhole2]

So when he leaves you tomorrow in the middle of the day to go have lunch with her, how does that work? What if you ask him to do something together instead?

[husbandcheating]

"Fake social media, don't you see behind those post, she doesn't love me, she has known me for a long time."

Of course I love him and yes I have known him for a long time! What does that have to do with the other???????????????????????

[husbandcheating]

2 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

So when he leaves you tomorrow in the middle of the day to go have lunch with her, how does that work? What if you ask him to do something together instead?

@heartwhole2 this looks like it happened today already.

[husbandcheating]

4 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

No friend, he's not lying to her. He's lying to you.

He means he comes home to a house you happen to be in for the kids. They are his motivation, not you.

@heartwhole2 in our bed as well! They are about to come in and we are going to play a game our youngest wants to play-family game night. The audacity, but I am not here??????

[heartwhole2]

Are you really not understanding his meaning? Surely you understand that he doesn't mean literally? If he thinks you don't love him, there's nothing anyone can say to that except that a true marriage should include telling all of that to your spouse. He can't see your love for him because he doesn't want to see it. He wants to invest in Amanda.

I'm glad you are angry. You should be! It's not OK that he's redirecting all the things that should be both of yours, including assets, into this relationship with someone else and lying about it. That's disgusting.

But it's your reality. It's not going to change. Amanda is getting a lot more reassurance than the average OW, and if you read in the OW forums you will see that they have a very hard time walking away for a lot less. You cannot fixate on her as the part of the equation that will solve things for you because you don't have any control over her. Hoping she gives up is a failed plan.

All you can do is refuse to live in lies any more. All you can do is refuse to be in a love triangle. You can only control yourself. You have every right to dictate what type of marriage you want to have, and fidelity, honesty, and not shunting your assets away to a secret girlfriend should be non-negotiables.

You SHOULD be angry! It's horrible! It's wrong and selfish and frankly I think anyone who can lie like that to the mother of his children is a real piece of . . . He doesn't even respect you enough to think that you could possibly work out a co-parenting agreement? It's just horribly paternalistic and condescending that he thinks throwing little nuggets of fake affection your way every so often make him a good enough husband. How dare he!

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

So now he is lying to her saying he doesn't come home to me?

He’s not talking literally. It’s a figurative reference. 

20 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Babe, don't forget to remind (insert OUR middle son's name) to bring his paperwork home and remember the gift to (insert OUR family friend's name) gift for the party this weekend! I think I'll just go fetch it before we meet! "

This woman is parenting your child.
 

Personally, I find it hard to believe he leaves his phone unprotected. He is “hiding” in plain sight. He has no fear of the consequence if he is discovered.

 

[JamesM]

Wow..a fascinating and heartbreaking read!

OP, I am new to this thread, but if I may ask a few questions and make just a couple of comments. Alot of good advice has been given already by some experienced and smart people. .

But I must ask....
Do you really think your husband respects you? If he actually brings Amanda around the children, then either he must have them agreeing to keep Amanda a secret, or he doesn't care if they say something as he has a plausible reason for her being with him (ie his work partner). This shows to me that he doesn't even respect you as a person let alone as a wife if he thinks that you are that stupid.

Can you see that he is simply a charming arrogant narcissist? He really only cares about his own pleasure.

Do you really think that sex means love to him? Many/most men can have sex with a number of women and compartmentalize sex as pleasure and not a way of expressing love. He still enjoys sex with you. It is familiar and fulfilling. He can enjoy sex with her too. It is exciting and still new and has the added pleasure of her being his secret lover.  Sex for him is about feeding his pleasure.

Why do you avoid confronting him? Are you afraid he will leave you and choose Amanda? Why do you care? You say he is still yours as he comes home to you, and you may be partially right, but is heart is with her too. You and your children are his normal life and very important to him. Without you, he could not have a secret life. He does love you all, but maybe not in the same way you think. 

Do you think you have low self-esteem? Why? Have you addressed this in therapy? What does your therapist say about all this?  After this many texts and so much evidence in the past six months, what else do you need? Do you really think he will come back? Why? Think of the worst case scenario. You confront him. He chooses her. You are alone with the kids (full or part time). Can you survive that? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think you won't find someone else? 

I think your husband loves his secret life. I think he is stringing HER along as much as he is you. I think he loves the excitement he gets from his affair and then going home to you thinking you are ignorant of it. I think she is more attractive to him because she is a secret. I think he loves the thrill of sending his secret texts. I think he gets a thrill out of having sex with two women. I think both of you are feeding his ego.

And tbh, I question whether he really loves either of you beyond what you both do for him. He does trips with you and tells you what you need to hear, and then he tells her what she needs to hear so she feels she is the number one woman in his life. He lies to her and he lies to you. 

I would think that if you actually confronted him and were strong enough to make him realize that you will leave, then he will gain much respect for you. If he has to make a choice, then it would show who he really is inside and who he really cares most about.

 

What about your children? What is this doing to them? As was said, they know what is going on and maybe they know more than you even know. How will this affect them now? How will it affect whom they choose for relationships? 

Why has Amanda not forced him to make a choice? Maybe she has the same fears as you? Maybe she is afraid of losing him?

Just some thoughts and questions. Forgive me if they have been asked already or if I said anything that was too harsh.   My goal is to simply give you something to consider. IMO this is about you more than him. He has his secrets because Amanda and you let him have them. One of you need to say enough is enough.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Him: "I don't come home to her, I come home to my kids. Fake social media, don't you see behind those post, she doesn't love me, she has known me for a long time."

That's sad. He's telling her he only goes home for the sake of the kids. Is it a typical cheaters' line? Yes. But he does only act in a family capacity rather than as romantic relationship when he's home.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I have much of your responses to read...

Which I hope you will OP.  Posters have taken the time, and my posts, I've experienced it first hand as the daughter of a father who did what your husband is doing.  

He married his OW, she became my stepmom.

But then again, perhaps you don't want to read, ignorance can be blissful. 

For some. 

In that case, wish you well, take care.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's sad. He's telling her he only goes home for the sake of the kids. Is it a typical cheaters' line? Yes. But he does only act in a family capacity rather than as romantic relationship when he's home.

Yup, exactly what my dad did, for YEARS, until he left and married his OW.

"For the kids."

Not that he did us any favors by staying, he was a great dad to us but witnessing the coldness of his marriage to my mom, no affection (we knew there was no sexual intimacy) him essentially 'going through the motions' like OP's husband is doing, really screwed me and my brothers up. 

It still negatively affects me as an adult even though I witnessed the loving relationship he and my stepmom had. 

It would have been better had he left sooner. 

So that's something else OP, by remaining in this facade of a marriage you (and your husband) are doing your sons a great GREAT disservice.  You're teaching your sons a very poor lesson by allowing this, remaining in this toxic situation.  

Kids can see and sense everything no matter how much pretending there is going on between you and your husband.

Oh heck nevermind, you're not even reading. 

All the best.  Your kids too. Mostly your kids. 

 

Edited February 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[heartwhole2]

OP, what if you start making some small changes? I would recommend:
 

• looping in a close friend or family member who has your back
• finding a therapist if you don't already have one
• taking steps to have the type of home life and marriage you want to have

What I mean by the last comment is that if you're not ready to confront your husband, you can at least start asking for more from him. Tell him you want your marriage to be better. Tell him you want your sex life to be better. Ask for details of your financials and business dealings. And claim more for yourself . . . find a hobby that takes you out of the home in the morning or at bedtime and requires that he do more with the kids. Act like you expect him to be a full time, fully committed husband.
Poppyfields makes a very good point about what you are modeling for your children. Your husband is modeling something terrible for them. I think it's really important to teach our children to treat others with respect and to walk away when other people don't treat us how we deserve.

I was trying to think of a metaphor for your situation. Imagine that you and your husband are coworkers who run a division together. OW is an employee in another division who makes a lot less money than you. You keep finding emails from your husband and OW about how he wants her to have your job. You find out that he is taking bonuses that are supposed to be yours and assigning them to OW even though she didn't earn them. She is doing some of your responsibilities. What would you do? Would you just wait for OW to get tired of wanting to get your job? Well, why would she? Your husband is already giving her what should be yours. Waiting for her to stop wanting your job is a terrible strategy. Analyzing why she wants your job or thinks she'll get it is also a waste of your energy. You need action. You need to go to the metaphorical HR and lodge a complaint (lawyer!!!!). You need to start looking for other jobs just in case she's successful (have a plan for if he leaves you for her). You need to understand that you can't run a division with someone who is lying to your face and conspiring to replace you (your marriage is fatally flawed).

You can't look at someone who is lying to your face every day and think, "He'll probably just decide to stop lying and be an honest person." You can't look at someone who is giving all of these signs of commitment to someone else and think, "He'll probably just stop being committed to her." You really need to act. The clue that says he's going to become an honest, faithful husband is never going to come. That's not how people work. And let's say Amanda did get tired of waiting and broke up with him and found someone else. You'd still be married to a lying, cheating man who doesn't respect you. You'd just be waiting for the next Amanda to come along.

Have you confided in any friends or family members? I encourage you to find a person to be in your corner.