My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Because being disrespected in your marriage is worse than your marriage ending.

I could be wrong but my sense is the OP's anger isn't coming from being disrespected, I don't believe SHE believes she IS being disrespected.

She believes her husband loves her, he respects her, that she's his number one, and that Amanda is a temporary distraction from who knows what.

Her anger comes from the belief that Amanda is honing in on her territory, that she is stepping out of bounds, that she is attempting to steal her husband. 

She's in complete and utter denial about all of it. 

That's my take anyway.

 

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

If she is arranging a gift for your family friend this weekend, I presume that gift is not going to be from you and your husband? Does that mean that your family friend knows about her? Is she attending a party with your husband?

There's a good chance since her BIL knows all about it, too.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

There's a good chance since her BIL knows all about it, too.

Reminds me of another poster - this woman carried on in a relationship with her affair partner for years. It was an open secret, friends and family all knew about and supported the affair for years before there was eventually a D-Day. 

[Pumpernickel]

Yea, I agree - somebody needs to say something. Something needs to happen.

OP - you need to put the cards on the table & let the chips fall where they may……..all you’ve been doing is justify his behavior one way or another, and you’ve been trying to explain how him coming home means more than him being bonded to his mistress Amanda …… despite the Partner tattoos and the finances involved, and the kids involved. You are over the top delusional, and I know you know it - your therapist knows it (but I also know there are counselors who believe in getting paid for making their clients feel better; it’s NOT rare!!), and everybody on here knows it as well.

The sooner you say something, the sooner you can act. It’s a beautiful thing!

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Her anger comes from the belief that Amanda is honing in on her territory, that she is stepping out of bounds, that she is attempting to steal her husband. 

Maybe. But - let’s spin this a little further - if this is the case, how are you married to a guy who lets that happen? There is always married women who blame the mistress for everything: She lured him in,  she treats him well, she gives him exciting weekends, she distracts him from his mundane everyday family tasks, she “gives him” good sex, I can’t compete because I’m *just* the wife and I have to take care of everything else ….. blah blah blah ….. the list never stops, BUT - you have a husband!!!! Why is this always forgotten? Why is this thought always on the backburner? 
Honestly - Blame him, not her (the OW)!!

And if OP had done that, if she had held her H responsible, and not the circumstances or Amanda (God bless her heart), @husbandcheatingwould probably be MUCH further ahead by now. In either direction - her M would either be better, or she would be divorced. And much happier. Because she would be in charge of her life. And honestly - if you’re not in charge of your own life, you’re destined to be miserable. 

 

[heartwhole2]

OP, you've now known about the affair for a year. And it's been going on . . . five years?

Do you feel you've been able to reduce your denial at all? Are you starting to accept that she's a big part of his life? It doesn't matter if she's some delusional homewrecker . . . it only matters how he views her and what choices he makes. She could be a total bunny boiler but the particular details don't really matter because it isn't stopping your husband from giving her a lot of his time, affection, and resources. He hasn't stopped in five years, so imagining that he's going to suddenly stop now is illogical.

You don't have to share him, you know. You can put an end to the love triangle by announcing that you know about Amanda and refusing to be in a three-person marriage.

For most betrayed spouses, the surveillance period is very short. It has a clear goal -- to determine if cheating is taking place and to what extent. And then it ends. It may be replaced by voluntary transparency on the part of the WS in order to rebuild trust if the couple is reconciling. Or it ends because the marriage is ending.

This constant surveillance is not good for you. You are in a hyper vigilant state. I wouldn't be surprised if you are experiencing physicals symptoms of stress. For your own sake, you need to end this phase and move on to a healthier place where no one is keeping secrets from the other. It's important for you, and it's important for your kids to see you choosing authenticity and wholeness. As other posters have said, you don't want them saying down the road, "Oh mom knew about Amanda but she just stuck her head in the sand." You want them to say, "Mom showed us how to stand up for yourself. Mom showed us how to treat a partner with respect."


You are very stuck on the idea that you can compare the two relationships, and if yours is superior, then you win. But the fact is that you are losing because your husband rigged the game. Marriage isn't a competition between you and some other chick! It's not hoping you can edge out your husband's secret girlfriend! The marriage is disrespected because there's a secret girlfriend. So please don't keep trying to point out how you are beating out Amanda. There shouldn't be an Amanda to beat out! Look, the affair show down worked out for me, I guess. My husband dropped the OW like a hot potato. He even stared off into space on DDay and said, "Well, you are the smartest and funniest person I know." Look, anyone who read the OW's blog could tell you she's neither highly intelligent nor witty. BUT WHO CARES. I'm not going to rejoice that I happened to win a show down between me and my husband's secret girlfriend. The problem is my husband and his idiotic, narcissistic, and amoral decision to have a secret girlfriend. You need to focus your energy and action on the real problem.

Edited February 5, 2022 by heartwhole2

[6ix]

This thread has been locked because the topic has been thoroughly answered, responses are now repetitious, and there's no reason to let ongoing discussion continue. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by 6ix