My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He is a great father. I am finding it hard to believe that he never loved me. Our years, events, outings, conversations, and all I think it is impossible for him to fake 20 + years of knowing each other. And I do not see him throwing that away over a woman he met 4 years ago

Okay you've said this several times during this thread.  If you actually believe this why are you here or why don't you just accept things as they are knowing he isn't going to leave you and that is that?

[Starswillshine]

As we have said ad nauseum here...

He likely will not leave you for a long time. He likely will not leave her either. The only way he will leave is if someone forces his hand. So you either wait until his OW gets enough and leaves him because she is tired of wait, and you pray that he doesn't leave you to satisfy her. Or you take control and force the issue yourself, and pray he sticks with you. There is zero incentive for him to leave either of you right now. So I guess relax and live in lala land for now. 

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

As we have said ad nauseum here...

He likely will not leave you for a long time. He likely will not leave her either. The only way he will leave is if someone forces his hand. So you either wait until his OW gets enough and leaves him because she is tired of wait, and you pray that he doesn't leave you to satisfy her. Or you take control and force the issue yourself, and pray he sticks with you. There is zero incentive for him to leave either of you right now. So I guess relax and live in lala land for now. 

I agree with this. 

Something is going to happen sooner or later, and right now, OP,  you are the one in anguish. You have the power to end it, it's gonna be a hard time, but it will be better to do it sooner rather than later.

 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it seems you're writing a story in your head.

Yet, you mentioned he was in love with her, briefly broke up with her then you had an unplanned pregnancy, so he married you.

So it seems his love affair with her is nothing new. He just did the noble thing marrying you because of the preganacy.

He may not divorce you until she is ready (for whatever reason) or the kids are older or it is more financially opportune to do so.

[Pumpernickel]

Yours wouldn’t be the first marriage that ends after knowing your spouse for 20 years. I’m my opinion/experience, especially those who met and got together very young are prone to splitting once they’re in their 30s. They know they’re still young and attractive enough to attract new potential partners. In your case, this has already happened. It’s not unusual, either. 
 

So the argument that he wouldn’t throw it all away after 20 years is not valid, IMO. He’s already halfway out the door. He just hasn’t told you yet. Officially. 

[pepperbird2]

One more thing for the OP to keep in mind.
every time she sleeps with her husband, she's sleeping with his OW and anyone else she's seeing aside of him. Assuming she's only having sex with him and no one else is a dangerous way of thinking.

Then there's the chance that his ow will "accidentally" get pregnant. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

[LynneVicious]

Op,

 Do you want everyone just to agree with you or placate you? We are truly trying to help you here. 

This is going to end badly for you and your family. Since this is the route you’re choosing, at least get yourself STD screenings once a month and pray the ow doesn’t get pregnant. 

Just a question for you  What would you do if your husband files for divorce? Whether it be in a month or ten years?

Maybe saving money now and and set yourself up financially so you have some independence. 

 

[LynneVicious]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years so I suppose it is not just an affair. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! I am really into signs and everything I have read, it states Taurus's are loyal and won't cheat but of course here we are. I know we can't lump all Taurus' in one big group but I am very surprised that it seems like he has a real relationship with this woman. It is not just sex from what I see and honestly also from what I have read they have the same love languages. My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaiming me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are OK". He kisses me when I need a kiss. And I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary.

My cousin tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any  advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I have not told him I know.

Also, you should reread your opening post. You state you’re seeking advice is this three year relationship is real and how you should proceed. Everyone here has told you what we feel and how you should proceed. I hope you are at the very least, thinking about the advice you requested. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm going to bow out of this thread. It's clear we're going around in circles and repeating ourselves, page after page. 

Good luck to you, OP.

There’s just a lot of denial and confirmation bias here. 

He thanked me for cooking dinner so I believe that means that he appreciates everything I do for him and for our family… I think this other woman means nothing and it’s over with her. He clearly loves me and the fact that he did the dishes after dinner means he has reinvested with your family. 

A lot of storytelling and confirmation bias, little of it based in reality. And for that reason, I am also out. Good luck to you OP. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

Well he'll probably stay until he's put away as much of your marital income as possible into their new joint business venture and their new property. Probably in a way you can't claim it for either CS or alimony,  that's if you're entitled to the latter!

Seriously you don't do either of the above things with someone you're in a temporary relationship with, that's long term goals and planning there. 

You've got to find your strength and your pride, if not for you then for your children. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by Amethyst68

[Allupinnit]

Remember how much fun you had on your birthday week away?  When he came back he told her he faked the whole thing to maintain the peace with you.  Did that not break your heart?

He's probably already told her that regarding your amazing weekend away with your family.  Of course he can be in the moment with you.  He's mastered this duplicity over the course of several years.  He's got it down pat.  

I suspect you think this is some midlife crisis and he'll eventually get over it and you can go back to having him all to yourself.  Just like she lies in wait for the day he ups and leaves you the way he's promising her.  Two women inadvertently pitted against the other, hoping to "win" in the end.  

If you want to keep him, you probably can, for the foreseeable future at least.  I think I and the rest of the posters hope is that you could at least admit the reality of your situation and sack up and garner some control of your life.  You've got a rat in your house and you hope keeping the mudroom closed will contain the infestation.  Ok so you had an AWESOME weekend away - I'm sure you've had lots of good times over the past 4 years he's had a gf.  Nothing here has changed.

[pepperbird2]

Really, the guy here is never going to change. He feels entitled to do what he does, and so long as that's he case, he'll keep right on going.

OP,

I know you see him as this great guy and dad who has just sort of lost his way. Madam, he is no little lost lamb. This was not a "one night stand".  He is actively choosing, each and every day, to engage in a course of action (cheating) that has a very high potential of blowing his happy family up, of scarring his children and you.
Does that sound like the actions of a man who loves his wife? Who loves his kids? What sort of loving husband and asks his wife and kids to assume this huge risk to their mental and physical health ? Not only does he do this, he puts you through he further humiliation of talking about you, your marriage and how he'd rather be with his ow with his fmaily, and likely even his ow as well. I except she knows all sorts of information about you and your life you would rather not share.  There's every chance he's given her a long laundry list of all your perceived faults- he needs his ow to believe she has to  be there for him because his big, bad "wifey" is at home making his life miserable( at least, according to him). It's her and him against this big, cruel world and a wife who doesn't understand him, never did and holds him back from being happy.  I wonder what he's told her about your recent weekend away?

[Daisydooks]

This is Edith 2.0. Wow. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 10:56 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you BaileyB. I don't believe there is a world with her, most likely sex and I guess I just don't want to blow up our family for sex. 

A business with someone else is not sex. Buying a home with someone else is not sex. Why do you think these things are just sex? Also, do I detect a bit of a smug tone in your posts? Hope not--there are a lot of very smart people who post here. Could just be my interpretation though.

Have you read Edith's thread? I think you and her may have more in common than you would be willing to admit. She's about 20 years further into her marriage than you so it could be informative of what lies ahead.

Edited July 2, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

In case you missed it:

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 12:08 PM, BaileyB said:

This feels like edith 2.0. 

She is 13 years down the road from you… only her husband is a whole lot less invested with his other woman than your husband. 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/587945-my-husband-has-been-cheating-with-the-same-woman-for-over-a-decade-is-this-serious/

I swear I just saw this post! 😀 Aaaack! Bailey, get out of my head! Lol! Just joking.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 1:43 PM, husbandcheating said:

This is very frightening. We have children and he is a wonderful father. I also love him, we have too much history to throw away.

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/22/2021 at 2:50 PM, husbandcheating said:

I am going to read everyones comments. This is just an update. In one of my updates, I mentioned he brought up buying a house, so this morning he woke up and showed me some listings. He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.

Could it be possible that he's looking for a house with you so he can execute his plans from 7 years ago? That is to set you up in a new home while he stays in the current one. He did bring it up to his brother recently. 🤔

Maybe this is part of his exit strategy...to get you physically into a separate home. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

Yes, lots of this happening in OP's mind, especially projecting what 'he' needs (he needs to focus on his family to be happy) when really it's what SHE needs but for which she ultimately has no control. Perhaps the projection is a self-soothing defense mechanism--when we don't feel in control, we try to mitigate our anxiety by trying to gain control over our environment or others, especially when we lack tools for self-empowerment or self-realization.  When we are overtaken by fear (of change/loss/the unknown), our mind can concoct all sorts of mental gymnastics to make us feel safe even when we are not.

That's probably bio-evolutionary (sp?). I watched a lecture yesterday about how stress and poor coping mechanisms manifest as diseases in the body. It included how personalities are formed based on early life experiences, how we compensate as adults, how that shapes our behavior in relationships, and how those behaviors can manifest serious diseases in our bodies. 

Look up Dr. Gabor Mate if you're interested. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/22/2021 at 6:02 PM, elaine567 said:

OP shaking her booty at him will no doubt go down like a lead balloon

🤣 your choice of words tickled my funny bone!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/23/2021 at 3:56 PM, husbandcheating said:

The woman that he cheated on me with was the woman he was with right before me. We got together and then I was pregnant, he still was seeing her. 

"Everything he’s doing with you is fake." Wouldn't you think everything he does with her is fake as I am the one he is actually with.

Maybe he is fake with everybody. 🤷

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/24/2021 at 3:47 AM, elaine567 said:

It is actually much worse, it is 4 years...

and counting! 😉

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/20/2021 at 10:46 PM, husbandcheating said:

Today we went to his father's house for a Father's Day Extravaganza. Both of our families attended and it was a great time building memories. We are still here but they are all watching tv in the family room. I love when our families come together to celebrate things like Father's Day! He has been stellar today, lots of love and affection and he even left his phone at home. If he was so entangled with that woman, wouldn't you all think his phone would be attached to his hip. His focus today has been me and our family. Very present. I was even testing him to see if he would kiss me when I go in for them and every single time he has kissed me back, no hesitation. These are the things that drives me to know this is a temporary.  He isn't worried about that woman at all. All attention with us.

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/21/2021 at 1:01 PM, husbandcheating said:

I also wanted to put the events of my mother's day. She is also a mother and has children and I wanted to know how he would handle it all. I know that she is a mother and has children, so I wanted to know how he would juggle. For Mother's Day, him and the kids took me to brunch, just us, and he set up a photo shoot with a professional photographer. The photography was amazing! He also packed a bag for our wardrobe changes and we took "engagement photos" so lots of love photos, kissing, photos of rings, couple things. That was on that Saturday and Sunday the actual day he set up a family BBQ at our house which I did enjoy. All in! That wasn't "co-worker" that was displaying our love! 

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/21/2021 at 10:51 PM, husbandcheating said:

I see everyones comments and I will respond. I wanted to update. Today he left his phone while he was on a zoom call in the office and I looked into his phone again. A text message (preview) between him and his brother caught my eye. The only thing I saw was "I do love her, I am in love with her and I am going to make it work" I immediately had joy knowing that the message was meant about me. When I opened the text message, the whole message was about this woman. I am HURTING. He told his brother how he feels that him and that woman have a connection he has never felt and how with me he was doing what was right when I got pregnant as teenagers. How he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". "husbandcheating and I relationship is good, she is a great person, you know that and I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household" "She thinks she loves me but she doesn't, she's just used to me because we have known each other since high school" "Amanda has a hard time dealing with things and we talk it out, she doesn't like the circumstances of course, but she is willing to stay the course and putting the trust in me to handle this over here" "No she hates it, and she's upset about it but she understands it and knows its a lot to unpack in a long marriage, she was in one and was unhappy"  "Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

"She thinks she loves me but she doesn't"?????????????????????? 

" I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household"?????????????????????????

""Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

There was so much more but apparently my husband is on drugs smh. He has never hinted at any thing! He thinks I don't love him????? I don't understand!

^^^^STEP 3

On 6/21/2021 at 11:00 PM, husbandcheating said:

The text messages between him and Amanda (I now know her name because all he calls her is baby), she texted him yesterday and he texted her this morning asking how her day was yesterday. She told him "baby did you have a good time at (naming my familys name-so she knows my family by name???? and knew all of the plans for yesterday?????) " He told her he had an "OK" time and that it is always fun with family but he would of rather relaxed on his day. She in turn said "well honey we still have the rest of the month to continue the celebration!" He says "Baby you have been spoiling me all month for Father's Day, you spoil me everyday, I miss you and love you baby" I AM DISGUSTED. He then asked her " Are you ready for the next big venture?" Her response "Of course, what are you thinking, lets secure these nest eggs!" And they went to talk about some damn idea he thought of while being at OUR FAMILYS HOUSE yesterday. He then told her to contact the same person she contacted before for his sister. His sister is in a rehab facility. So he has doing things for his sister?????????????????????????????????????

^^^^STEP 3

On 6/29/2021 at 1:20 AM, husbandcheating said:

I will read everyones replies but I wanted to give an update. My husband took us out of town to go visit family. During this trip, we had some time by ourselves. While I was furious, the time that he allotted for us, had me thinking "maybe he is really serious about us and this". He went out of his way to make sure we had some alone time. He could tell I had been feeling kind of out of it, and he thanked me for being the woman of the house and that he loved me and how he and the children are very lucky to have me. Maybe this trip was his eye awakening to stop doing the crazy stuff or maybe out of his "crisis". Yes he piled on the affection, affectionate pet names, and etc. No posting on his social media, but I did post some videos and photos of us in which he loved. 

The past few days on our trip have been I don't know, different. He was always around us and I know for a fact he had no time to contact her. This may be it.

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

On 6/29/2021 at 1:23 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @LynneVicious. I know that my marriage is not stellar but I do believe that because of the years and history, it is worth saving especially since he is still staying which has to amount to something. What do I want? I want my husband. I want him to stop to which I do think now it could be over, this weekend and past few days were the stellar moments. His phone was non existent, I can say that she was not on his mind. He was completely focused on me. Our family. And us. 

^^^^STEPS 1 & 2

@husbandcheating Please notice the patterns here. STEPS (examples outlined above):

1) You are looking for confirmation he is committed to your marriage.

2) You see him do certain things which you believe confirm what you want to see (i.e. confirmation bias).

3) You see evidence to the contrary.

 

Repeat cycle beginning again with 1) You look for confirmation [that THIS TIME] he is committed to your marriage.

YOU WILL CONTINUE THIS MENTAL MERRY-GO-ROUND UNTIL THE DAY YOU DECIDE TO STOP!!

Other people in your situation have started threads wherein they are caught up in this same cycle. Edith's is one such thread. Another was started by Lacey(something I believe). Even LShalcy's thread might be enlightening (OW whose MM successfully hid his marriage from her for 2 years and she is caught in a similar thought loop as you).  They are stuck exactly the same way as you. Perhaps reading their threads will enlighten you with your own situation. Maybe you'll be detached enough from their stories to understand how their situations are harmful to them while at the same time recognizing similar patterns between their stories and yours--mainly with respect to how you and they choose to handle their circumstances.

[Vanity1]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:45 AM, husbandcheating said:

My husband never complains, he never acts as if he is upset or tired of me. He goes along with any and everything that I may bring to the table. And he is the ever loving family man with both of our families.

My birthday was some weeks back and he took me on a week long trip, no kids, just us. For my birthdays, I always do it big and he made sure he did it big for me. The weekend before my birthday, we had family over and then on my actual birthday we left for our trip. We had a great time and we talked and laughed alot. These moments reminds me how much love we have between us. It is confusing me. We talked about buying a new home! Confusion again now that we are home. I am back in the questionable phase of WHY WOULD HE DO ALL OF THIS?

Social Media-He posted me, us and responded to every comment acknolwedging me as his wife! And how much my birthday means to him. How much I mean to him.

The whole trip he hardly was on his phone except for to check in our kids and talking to family.

When we got back home, I checked his phone to see he actually did contact her and made sure to "check in" with her everyday we were on our trip. UNBELIEVABLE. He told her "The pictures I take with her is like standing next to my co worker, let me handle things over here, everything I tell you is everything that I am. You have me. Just handling this for a little more. I'm not building with you just because. I don't build with anyone for nothing." Kissing, holding me, affectionate moments is like standing next to your co worker????? 

She asked him what does handling things mean and his response was "Playing the supporting role". 

 

 

He is running the show...he is having his cake and eating it too.

 

same thing happened to my cousin decades with her high school sweetheart. He had a relationship with a co worker for years, the other woman got pregnant- and he left his wife, their kids who are in their 20s. He started a brand new life with her.  

My cousin was even willing to raise the baby as long as they stayed together. It’s not going to get any better. It doesn’t matter if you have history. Someone else captured his heart, history doesn’t matter in this case. 

 

So so many wives willing to be the sidechick.

 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Hurtx10