My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:47 AM, Prudence V said:

Because he doesn’t want you to be homeless when he leaves you - he owns his home, you don’t. He doesn’t want to leave you on the street. 

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

[elaine567]

You appear to have little or no comprehension of how affairs work. he stays for his kids,
Take away the kids factor and you would likely not see him for dust.

it is perfectly possible to maintain a veneer, all the while resenting,  or even hating a partner.
Women do it all the time, they stay for kids, for financial reasons and for "show". they may or may not stray,  and one day once the kids are grown, they are financially stable, or they cannot stand the pretence any longer, they leave... 

Atm he needs you to look after his kids, so is doing the good husband/father thing. because it suits him.
What all cheaters have in common, is they all do what is best for themselves and have little care for anyone else.
ATM he is playing the family man with a mistress on the side, plotting his escape.
If Dday happens such men tend to dump the OW and try to salvage what is left of their marriage  as they don't want to lose their kids or their assets.
Once the flak dies down they often resume things with their OW anyway. Win, win.

What makes your situation different is that your husband is still young enough to start again and that he is caught up financially with this woman. 
if he was 50+ then you could keep up this charade of a marriage and turn a blind eye, as the likelihood being he wouldn't leave.
However here it is a house of cards, anything is possible....
Wake up.

Edited July 3, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

Yes because he is likely still going to raise his kids there, only he is not going to be there...
I don't understand why you are not suspicious of his motives. He already tried to pull this stunt, only you didn't agree the last time...
This time he is just a bit cleverer in his approach...  
He gets you out of his house, the kids are safely re-housed and he can then do as he pleases with his inheritance cash..
His own house becomes a liquefiable asset.

This man has had an OW for FOUR long years. he is NOT the man you think he is.
Blind trust is a wonderful thing, but you don't blindly trust people who have shown you they are not to be trusted... that is just foolish. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

This is why I do not understand users standpoint here.

You don't understand because you are choosing not to. Frankly, I believe I spelled out to you pretty plainly why you don't understand what is happening in your situation. (Many others have too but you are too enamored with your blissful ignorance.)

Fyi, the post where I quoted you pointing out how you are trapped in your thinking took over an hour to write. I read your whole thread and posted several more which took more hours. You just blazed right by all of it because it didn't fit the narrative you want to believe, which is based on lies you are telling yourself.

What exactly do you want from posters here? Are you wanting everybody to agree with your false narative?  What you fail to recognize, which so many others here are observing, are the tell-tale signs of what is truly happening in your marriage based on YOUR OWN WORDS. 

I have been posting here for about five years. In that time I have learned to recognize many patterns in relationships and people's behavior from reading their stories. I believe that is true for many long-time posters here--several of whom have replied on your thread. Yet, lo and behold, you continue to discount everyone's good advice. Why? If you are not going to take seriously the information people are so generously bestowing upon you, what are you here for?

If you want people to agree with you, tell you everything is 'pie-in-the-sky,' I can tell you from experience that's not what you'll get here. People here tell the truth as they see it from their own paradigms. When I first came here with my situation, I got my butt kicked a little. It's because I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It was painful to hear the truth sometimes that I wasn't makimg the best decisions. People here helped me and I'm way smarter now. I'm so quick to cut the crap in my real life. I see patterns quickly and easily in people's behavior. I can tell a person's motive within minutes. It saves me months, possibly years, of wasting my energy. 

You can learn a lot here, too, but you need to dump the attitude that anyone who doesn't agree with your narrative doesn't know what they are talking about. 

You are in denial. You are lying to yourself. People here can see it, but you treat them like they somehow lack the ability to understand the blissful existence you think you are in. You are the one who isn't getting it. Sorry that you probably don't want to hear that, and perhaps you will just blaze right by this post also...to your detriment. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@Prudence V We talk about many of plans for our home together and raising our family in it.

Look up "future faking." Often, cheaters do this with their affair partners but hasn't moving you to a new house been his plan before? I would be quietlu meeting a lawyer, OP! Even if you want to ostrich your way through this, PLEASE see a lawyer. He has a business with someone else he has told you nothing about (ow or not this is bad marriage business and he is trying to hide assets from his wife - you.) Even if he went into business with a man he wasnt sleeping with, he is hiding money from you. There are BIG parts of your husband you do not know about. This will huge and Im shocked youre not opening your eyes to this. He has a full business running with this woman, yet you feel him posting on Facebook somehow matters more? I dont get it. I ask you to wake up because this man you think you know after 2 decades is about to royally f*** you if you dont wake up. Your entire world is about to blow up and youre here chatting about how he took you out for your birthday, took pictures for Facebook and future faked with you. 

He may even have a burner phone to communicate with her you know nothing about. 

You are either not wanting to see this for what it is (understandably,) or you're being purposely obtuse. Regardless, speak to a lawyer about lining your ducks up and how to protect yourself in the event we are right... because youre going to need a shark of a lawyer when this s*** hits the fan... and it wont be long now. You shouldn't be blindsided but you will be if you dont take the advise here  

 

[RebeccaR]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it.

He doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy so he does all the things a “good husband” is “supposed” to do, including the soppy social media stuff, which tbh always seems fake or exaggerated. But he told his brother in plain words that he’s  not in love with you. I don’t know why you ignore those words, which seem like the truthful ones.

 

[Daisydooks]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @elaine567 for your response.

I am having a hard time believing that my husband doesn't want to be here when he is here at home with me. Everything that he does as my husband, no one is making him do it. It is hard to think he doesn't love me as users are saying. If he really did not want to be here in our home, then he would leave, there is no point in staying with someone if they did not love them. My husband has been here lovingly for over two decades and we have been married for over half of those years. I have not threatened him, he is here willingly. I do believe that this Amanda woman is just for sex, and that is not an excuse at all. I do understand the seriousness of that but I also do not think my husband wants to throw away our marriage for this woman who he doesn't even choose to reach out to. I don't understand how some users don't even see his lack of communication with her as something important. He doesn't love her, he won't even talk to her. He talks to me more than he talks to her.

 This is what he's doing and why ⬇️⬇️⬇️

He is setting his future up so that he has a nice little nest egg you dont know about (but you do know about it) when he leaves you. He is hiding assets on you and thinks youre stupid enough not to know about or catch onto the fact that he has been sinking family assets into this side business. Why are you not more angry about this. HE IS BANKING ON YOU NOT KNOWING and not having a shark of a lawyer to find all of his little hidden assets he has been stowing away for years. He is making sure his future is bright even after he leaves you with the house and kids as he will most likely owe you alimony and will definitely need to pay child support. Not sure where you are but being a cheater in some states royally screws the cheating party. If he can divorce you without that "on his record" he will be that much better off. He is relying on you just believing he wants a divorce and being able to hide the assets he has built with your family money, within his business with the other woman. Youre falling for it, left, right and centre here...... AND DEFENDING HIM. Jesus Christ.

 This takes planning and time. All of which fall right into place perfectly with pretending to be the "stand up husband" you have come to know and love and to believe he is. He isnt acting poorly or being an a**h*** because he doesnt want you to catch on before he is ready to actually leave you. Its the perfect scenario in his mind and youre playing to his hand perfectly 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

Some men (and women) think it's kinder ( and better for their ego)  to stay until they think the kids are grown enough, and then leave. They will secretly squirrel money away, make plans and preparations, and as soon as they can they are gone.

I don't want to be blunt, but you're a mother. You don't have the luxury of ignoring all of this. At least speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. This man is CLEARLY showing you he can't be trusted. Still don't beleive the posters here? Get your self ready for the worst possible scenario, and once you feel you are prepared for that and have the evidence you need so he can't wiggle his way out, sit him down and tell him you know what he's been up to.

[Prudence V]

On 7/3/2021 at 7:42 AM, husbandcheating said:

raising our family in it.

He sees it as a home for you to raise the kids in, yes. You’ve stated elsewhere how he is grateful to you for being the woman of the house. He doesn’t want you (and the kids) on the street when he moves back into his house (that is his, not his and yours) with his new partner. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:06 AM, torn_heart said:

I agree with this. 

Something is going to happen sooner or later, and right now, OP,  you are the one in anguish. You have the power to end it, it's gonna be a hard time, but it will be better to do it sooner rather than later.

 

Thank you @torn_heart I don't want to live in a "la la land" I really just want my marriage to work.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it seems you're writing a story in your head.

Yet, you mentioned he was in love with her, briefly broke up with her then you had an unplanned pregnancy, so he married you.

So it seems his love affair with her is nothing new. He just did the noble thing marrying you because of the preganacy.

He may not divorce you until she is ready (for whatever reason) or the kids are older or it is more financially opportune to do so.

@Wiseman2 the woman from before was someone he was dating before me, Amanda is someone new. My husband and I were together in 6th grade, we broke up before high school. High school we weren't seeing each other, we started dating again right after high school and I became pregnant. He wanted to get married.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:27 AM, Pumpernickel said:

Yours wouldn’t be the first marriage that ends after knowing your spouse for 20 years. I’m my opinion/experience, especially those who met and got together very young are prone to splitting once they’re in their 30s. They know they’re still young and attractive enough to attract new potential partners. In your case, this has already happened. It’s not unusual, either. 
 

So the argument that he wouldn’t throw it all away after 20 years is not valid, IMO. He’s already halfway out the door. He just hasn’t told you yet. Officially. 

@Pumpernickel Thank you for your perspective. I assume it is hard for me, very hard to see him being out the door when he is here at home with me. It is hard to see through that. He is still an active participant in our marriage. Very active. I have always known it to be true, affairs are for sex especially when your husband is still choosing to be at home and active in your marriage. He NEVER COMPLAINS. We may have disagreements ever so often about the kids but we are a good couple. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 8:54 AM, pepperbird2 said:

One more thing for the OP to keep in mind.
every time she sleeps with her husband, she's sleeping with his OW and anyone else she's seeing aside of him. Assuming she's only having sex with him and no one else is a dangerous way of thinking.

Then there's the chance that his ow will "accidentally" get pregnant. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

@pepperbird2 I have seen numerous text messages from them both stating they do not want any more children. They have talked about "how on the same page they are on".

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:16 AM, LynneVicious said:

Op,

 Do you want everyone just to agree with you or placate you? We are truly trying to help you here. 

This is going to end badly for you and your family. Since this is the route you’re choosing, at least get yourself STD screenings once a month and pray the ow doesn’t get pregnant. 

Just a question for you  What would you do if your husband files for divorce? Whether it be in a month or ten years?

Maybe saving money now and and set yourself up financially so you have some independence. 

 

@LynneViciousI do not want anyone to agree or placate me. I am very grateful for everyone thus far. I re read often.

I suppose we would talk about it and I would try to explain to him and ask why would he throw away our history, love and marriage for sex. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:20 AM, LynneVicious said:

Also, you should reread your opening post. You state you’re seeking advice is this three year relationship is real and how you should proceed. Everyone here has told you what we feel and how you should proceed. I hope you are at the very least, thinking about the advice you requested. 

My opening post should of said "junior high school" we met in 6th grade, then broke up then went to high school and got back together after high school. I always re read this thread even when I cannot respond.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:21 AM, BaileyB said:

There’s just a lot of denial and confirmation bias here. 

He thanked me for cooking dinner so I believe that means that he appreciates everything I do for him and for our family… I think this other woman means nothing and it’s over with her. He clearly loves me and the fact that he did the dishes after dinner means he has reinvested with your family. 

A lot of storytelling and confirmation bias, little of it based in reality. And for that reason, I am also out. Good luck to you OP. 

Thank you @BaileyB I do appreciate the advice and I do reread often. I am having a very hard time separating the advice and knowing that my husband is here with me every night being a husband to me. Happily. He hasn't left me or our family. He is always dedicated to our marriage. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 12:00 PM, Amethyst68 said:

Well he'll probably stay until he's put away as much of your marital income as possible into their new joint business venture and their new property. Probably in a way you can't claim it for either CS or alimony,  that's if you're entitled to the latter!

Seriously you don't do either of the above things with someone you're in a temporary relationship with, that's long term goals and planning there. 

You've got to find your strength and your pride, if not for you then for your children. 

@Amethyst68 Thank you.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:11 PM, Allupinnit said:

Remember how much fun you had on your birthday week away?  When he came back he told her he faked the whole thing to maintain the peace with you.  Did that not break your heart?

He's probably already told her that regarding your amazing weekend away with your family.  Of course he can be in the moment with you.  He's mastered this duplicity over the course of several years.  He's got it down pat.  

I suspect you think this is some midlife crisis and he'll eventually get over it and you can go back to having him all to yourself.  Just like she lies in wait for the day he ups and leaves you the way he's promising her.  Two women inadvertently pitted against the other, hoping to "win" in the end.  

If you want to keep him, you probably can, for the foreseeable future at least.  I think I and the rest of the posters hope is that you could at least admit the reality of your situation and sack up and garner some control of your life.  You've got a rat in your house and you hope keeping the mudroom closed will contain the infestation.  Ok so you had an AWESOME weekend away - I'm sure you've had lots of good times over the past 4 years he's had a gf.  Nothing here has changed.

Thank you @Allupinnit That did break my heart. But I also concluded that he is lying to her. I do think this is a mid life crisis and he get over it as its just sex. I know he is cheating and has been for years but I do think its just sex because he is still here. Currently right now, laying in the bed next to me. He is at our home. OUR home and he always comes home to me, our marriage. We have had lots of good times in the last 4 years which is what I don't understand and is confusing me because he is still here.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 5:50 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

A business with someone else is not sex. Buying a home with someone else is not sex. Why do you think these things are just sex? Also, do I detect a bit of a smug tone in your posts? Hope not--there are a lot of very smart people who post here. Could just be my interpretation though.

Have you read Edith's thread? I think you and her may have more in common than you would be willing to admit. She's about 20 years further into her marriage than you so it could be informative of what lies ahead.

@HadMeOverABarrelThey have not bought a home together, but I have seen text about a realtor. He is trying to buy a home with me and our family. No smug, honestly just confusion because my husband is still being a husband. I want everyone to take into consideration, he hasn't left me, he still acts like my husband. He still is here actively. 

I have read a lil of her thread but not so much but I do plan on it.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 7:24 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

@HadMeOverABarrel can you explain the use of this within my situation?

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 7:29 AM, BaileyB said:

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

That Is one thing I do know, my husband does value our family together, as a young boy, his family was split. He said he never wanted that life for our children, he would wake up to his kids everyday and he didn't want me to be a single young mother. That is absolute love. He does value our family a lot. 

[Amethyst68]

Looking at at what you've posted about your marital history and also what you've shared of your husband's texts it seems to me it's clear it's not you he's staying for - it's the children. 

Your husband is extremely reluctant to have you as the sole parent in any scenario, in fact he tells his brother exactly that and when he suggested splitting up it was with him having custody.

That seeming reluctance could be the reason why he is there every night with his family, his children specifically. It also means he might just walk once they get older. 

On another note how many years are you going to let him have his MLC affair?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Amanda is someone new. we started dating again right after high school and I became pregnant. He wanted to get married.

Ok. What is the "it's a crazy story", you were referring to"? It was unclear the way you posted it.

[Allupinnit]

Well then OP sounds like everything is working out great for you despite the fact that he has an inconvenient girlfriend.  Not sure why you're posting?

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well then OP sounds like everything is working out great for you despite the fact that he has an inconvenient girlfriend.  Not sure why you're posting?

This is what I've wondered throughout this whole thread.  OP has constantly posted about how great her husband is and how much he loves her.  Why is she here?