My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:16 AM, LynneVicious said:

Op,

 Do you want everyone just to agree with you or placate you? We are truly trying to help you here. 

This is going to end badly for you and your family. Since this is the route you’re choosing, at least get yourself STD screenings once a month and pray the ow doesn’t get pregnant. 

Just a question for you  What would you do if your husband files for divorce? Whether it be in a month or ten years?

Maybe saving money now and and set yourself up financially so you have some independence. 

 

@LynneViciousI do not want anyone to agree or placate me. I am very grateful for everyone thus far. I re read often.

I suppose we would talk about it and I would try to explain to him and ask why would he throw away our history, love and marriage for sex. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:20 AM, LynneVicious said:

Also, you should reread your opening post. You state you’re seeking advice is this three year relationship is real and how you should proceed. Everyone here has told you what we feel and how you should proceed. I hope you are at the very least, thinking about the advice you requested. 

My opening post should of said "junior high school" we met in 6th grade, then broke up then went to high school and got back together after high school. I always re read this thread even when I cannot respond.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:21 AM, BaileyB said:

There’s just a lot of denial and confirmation bias here. 

He thanked me for cooking dinner so I believe that means that he appreciates everything I do for him and for our family… I think this other woman means nothing and it’s over with her. He clearly loves me and the fact that he did the dishes after dinner means he has reinvested with your family. 

A lot of storytelling and confirmation bias, little of it based in reality. And for that reason, I am also out. Good luck to you OP. 

Thank you @BaileyB I do appreciate the advice and I do reread often. I am having a very hard time separating the advice and knowing that my husband is here with me every night being a husband to me. Happily. He hasn't left me or our family. He is always dedicated to our marriage. 

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 12:00 PM, Amethyst68 said:

Well he'll probably stay until he's put away as much of your marital income as possible into their new joint business venture and their new property. Probably in a way you can't claim it for either CS or alimony,  that's if you're entitled to the latter!

Seriously you don't do either of the above things with someone you're in a temporary relationship with, that's long term goals and planning there. 

You've got to find your strength and your pride, if not for you then for your children. 

@Amethyst68 Thank you.

[S2B]

You have that backwards - affairs are for a person who is purposely disrespecting their marriage.

he may be fine or great while he’s at home - but why don’t you acknowledge how horrible he is to you by having this affair?

it shows what a liar he really is.

this isn’t a good man - this is someone totally disrespecting you.

[husbandcheating]

On 6/29/2021 at 5:11 PM, Allupinnit said:

Remember how much fun you had on your birthday week away?  When he came back he told her he faked the whole thing to maintain the peace with you.  Did that not break your heart?

He's probably already told her that regarding your amazing weekend away with your family.  Of course he can be in the moment with you.  He's mastered this duplicity over the course of several years.  He's got it down pat.  

I suspect you think this is some midlife crisis and he'll eventually get over it and you can go back to having him all to yourself.  Just like she lies in wait for the day he ups and leaves you the way he's promising her.  Two women inadvertently pitted against the other, hoping to "win" in the end.  

If you want to keep him, you probably can, for the foreseeable future at least.  I think I and the rest of the posters hope is that you could at least admit the reality of your situation and sack up and garner some control of your life.  You've got a rat in your house and you hope keeping the mudroom closed will contain the infestation.  Ok so you had an AWESOME weekend away - I'm sure you've had lots of good times over the past 4 years he's had a gf.  Nothing here has changed.

Thank you @Allupinnit That did break my heart. But I also concluded that he is lying to her. I do think this is a mid life crisis and he get over it as its just sex. I know he is cheating and has been for years but I do think its just sex because he is still here. Currently right now, laying in the bed next to me. He is at our home. OUR home and he always comes home to me, our marriage. We have had lots of good times in the last 4 years which is what I don't understand and is confusing me because he is still here.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 5:50 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

A business with someone else is not sex. Buying a home with someone else is not sex. Why do you think these things are just sex? Also, do I detect a bit of a smug tone in your posts? Hope not--there are a lot of very smart people who post here. Could just be my interpretation though.

Have you read Edith's thread? I think you and her may have more in common than you would be willing to admit. She's about 20 years further into her marriage than you so it could be informative of what lies ahead.

@HadMeOverABarrelThey have not bought a home together, but I have seen text about a realtor. He is trying to buy a home with me and our family. No smug, honestly just confusion because my husband is still being a husband. I want everyone to take into consideration, he hasn't left me, he still acts like my husband. He still is here actively. 

I have read a lil of her thread but not so much but I do plan on it.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 7:24 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^sunk cost fallacy

@HadMeOverABarrel can you explain the use of this within my situation?

[husbandcheating]

On 7/2/2021 at 7:29 AM, BaileyB said:

And a misguided belief that because she values keeping the family together, he does as well. That may be true. But, if it is true, it is only because he apparently plans to pursue other options on the side. 

That Is one thing I do know, my husband does value our family together, as a young boy, his family was split. He said he never wanted that life for our children, he would wake up to his kids everyday and he didn't want me to be a single young mother. That is absolute love. He does value our family a lot. 

[S2B]

You keep repeating the same answers. We got your info!

there are HUGE big caution lights flashing at you and you are continuing to state the same info over and over.

he may be home every night - but he’s still a total jerk who’s home every night! He’s cheating on you and ready to ruin your family! Do something!

[Amethyst68]

Looking at at what you've posted about your marital history and also what you've shared of your husband's texts it seems to me it's clear it's not you he's staying for - it's the children. 

Your husband is extremely reluctant to have you as the sole parent in any scenario, in fact he tells his brother exactly that and when he suggested splitting up it was with him having custody.

That seeming reluctance could be the reason why he is there every night with his family, his children specifically. It also means he might just walk once they get older. 

On another note how many years are you going to let him have his MLC affair?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Amanda is someone new. we started dating again right after high school and I became pregnant. He wanted to get married.

Ok. What is the "it's a crazy story", you were referring to"? It was unclear the way you posted it.

[Allupinnit]

Well then OP sounds like everything is working out great for you despite the fact that he has an inconvenient girlfriend.  Not sure why you're posting?

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well then OP sounds like everything is working out great for you despite the fact that he has an inconvenient girlfriend.  Not sure why you're posting?

This is what I've wondered throughout this whole thread.  OP has constantly posted about how great her husband is and how much he loves her.  Why is she here?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I want everyone to take into consideration, he hasn't left me, he still acts like my husband. He still is here actively. 

I believe most posters here, myself included, have taken this into account.  In fact, several have responded to exactly that. 

What you appear to struggle with on that note is accepting that it's possibly (probably) a ruse, and your husband has proven his deceptive ability with you, which is already established since he's been carrying on an affair behind your back.

Edited July 6, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added word: included

[LynneVicious]

Op,

you keep repeating that your husband chooses you because he is next to you, sleeping with you, eating dinner with you, going on vacation with you etc. and you reiterate that he is just using her for sex...

For 4 years?! You don’t seem to grasp the concept that your husband is your typical cheater. He is perfectly happy having two women to fulfill his needs. A wife at home for stability, companionship and mother of his children and the ow for passion, sex and yes, probably love.  
 

You also don’t seem to grasp the fact that he’s not going to change this situation. He’s going to continue to lie to you, eat dinner with you, play with your kids, then walk out the door to be in the arms with another woman. For another4 years. Maybe 14 years. Maybe even 40. 
 

He’s going to continue to cake eat, because there is NO REASON for him to stop. you are literally SHARING your husband with another woman. And your willful ignorance is truly mind boggling. You have even seen texts from him with your own eyes stating that he’s trying to keep you happy while he works on things. Your cousin or best friend (I don’t remember which) told you he is only with you for the children.  Yet he posts pics of you on social media, so everything according to you is wonderful and that proves his love. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

You won’t even talk to him about this. It’s extraordinary. 

[lana-banana]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My opening post should of said "junior high school" we met in 6th grade, then broke up then went to high school and got back together after high school. I always re read this thread even when I cannot respond.

Ma'am. You did not "date" or "break up" with anyone at age 12-13. 

[Allupinnit]

Yeah I mean it seems she's ok with the gf as long as it's just sex between them.  She wouldn't be the first wife to turn a blind eye to a cheating husband.

[vla1120]

On 7/3/2021 at 2:17 AM, husbandcheating said:

If he really did not want to be here in our home, then he would leave, there is no point in staying with someone if they did not love them.

This is not true. The reason I stayed with my husband for 18 years after I found out he was cheating with my neighbor/best friend was very simply because neither of us wanted "shared time" with our children. We both insisted that we be full time parents to our girls. Because of this, we both refused to leave. The difference between my situation and yours is - number one, I confronted my husband the MOMENT I learned he was cheating. There was no way I was going to turn a blind eye to that type of betrayal (and my husband was also "business as usual" and was still attentive, affectionate and romantic.) Number two, as soon as he was caught, he stopped cheating (at least with her) and wanted to go to therapy to save our marriage. 

Until you confront him on his cheating, you will not know his intentions. Also, as long as I have been on these boards (almost eight years, now), I have not seen one scenario where the MM starts a side business with the OW. Sure, they lie to the OW and promise they're working on leaving their wives to be with the OW, but for them to be creating a "nest egg" together and co-owning a business together is a bit more serious than you seem to want to believe.

Turning a blind eye to this is to your detriment. You REALLY need to talk to a lawyer and protect your interests sooner rather than later. Then, you need to confront him. THAT is when you will find out exactly what his intentions are with this woman. I really believe, based on what you have described, that he has no intention of being a part-time father to his children. Therefore, you better prepare yourself for the possibility that, when DDay does arrive, he will go for full custody of your kids. 

Of course, you could just maintain the status quo and wait until he blindsides you with divorce papers (whether it be in one year, or 10 years.)

Edited July 6, 2021 by vla1120

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

That Is one thing I do know, my husband does value our family together, as a young boy, his family was split. He said he never wanted that life for our children, he would wake up to his kids everyday and he didn't want me to be a single young mother. That is absolute love. He does value our family a lot. 

Okay so why are you here if everything is so honky dory?

[S2B]

Why don’t you simply ask your husband? Right? After all - he’s a great husband and will tell you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

That Is one thing I do know, my husband does value our family together.

Ok, you seem to be talking about him leaving and why he won't. You're ignoring that he's having an affair. So is the affair ok as long as he doesn't divorce you?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Okay so why are you here if everything is so honky dory?

5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Well then OP sounds like everything is working out great for you despite the fact that he has an inconvenient girlfriend.  Not sure why you're posting?

 Why the rush to shoo her off the board?

If OP chooses to be in a look-the-other-way marriage (not that that's something I'd recommend) and wants to post about it, isn't that her prerogative? Just because she won't or can't take specific suggestions some here have made doesn't mean she shouldn't be posting.

This is exactly the right spot on the forum for her thread. Also things may evolve and she may want/need additional feedback (or perhaps become more amenable to some of the suggestions being made).

Seems to me that the appropriate thing for those who don't like an OP's responses/actions is to bow out of the thread, rather than trying to tell them THEY should leave.

Edited July 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

rather than trying to tell them THEY should leave.

I don't recall telling OP to leave, I just wanted to know why she was here if she believes her husband isn't leaving and loves only her; yet everyone else seems to be telling her he doesn't.  I haven't read all 12 pages of this thread and maybe she has stated it somewhere that I haven't read.  It's clear that she doesn't believe what everyone here is telling her and does believe that her husband isn't going anywhere.  I was starting to wonder by these last 2 pages if people have gotten off track as to what information she really wants from this thread.

[Allupinnit]

Just now, mark clemson said:

 Why the rush to shoo her off the board?

If OP chooses to be in a look-the-other-way marriage (not that that's something I'd recommend) and wants to post about it, isn't that her prerogative? Just because she won't or can't take specific suggestions some here have made doesn't mean she shouldn't be posting.

This is exactly the right spot on the forum. Also things may evolve and she may want/need additional feedback (or perhaps become more amenable to some of the suggestions being made).

Seems to me that the appropriate thing for those who don't like an OP's responses/actions is to bow out of the thread, rather than trying to tell them THEY should leave.

Well we're trying to figure out what she wants to know...? Because all of our answers are met with "Well he is here at home in bed with ME, not sure what you're not getting" so..., I guess that's the measure of a good, committed husband.