My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Prudence V]

20 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband mentioned he does love me as he has known me for a long time, etc

Are you assuming by this that couples who have known each other “for a long time, etc” never split? 

[Prudence V]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I want him to finally relinquish this nobody Amanda.

So what are you doing about it, other than turning a blind eye and wishing it away? 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 6:59 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I believe most posters here, myself included, have taken this into account.  In fact, several have responded to exactly that. 

What you appear to struggle with on that note is accepting that it's possibly (probably) a ruse, and your husband has proven his deceptive ability with you, which is already established since he's been carrying on an affair behind your back.

@HadMeOverABarrelThat would be a lot just to be a ruse. We have talked about renewing our vows, etc. 

[vla1120]

On 7/11/2021 at 12:09 AM, husbandcheating said:

I also have been under the assumption that when people stay together for the children, it is strictly for the children, there are no proclamations of love, there is no time between the marital unit (i.e. date nights, affection of any kind), everything is solely based around the children. 

I stayed "for the children." There were proclamations of love, there were date nights and vacations with just the two of us. When I decided to leave, he begged me to stay and did not want to divorce. You have no idea whether he's staying for the children because you have not yet disclosed to him that you are aware of the affair. Until you put it all out in the open, you will continue to guess as to what his plans are because he's not going to come clean to you until he has everything in place (like buying the new home for you - you may be convinced it's supposed to be a "family" home, but I'll wager it's a home for YOU - step one in his plan to make his life permanent with his OW.)

Sadly, until you confront him with your knowledge, all of this is pure conjecture. You have NO idea what his thoughts are, what his plans are, and/or when he will execute his exit strategy. What you DO know, now, is that every special day when you thought he was being the good, attentive husband to YOU, he was also spending time with HER. How long are you going to let this continue without asking the ONLY person who can tell you what's really happening, here? It must be taking a toll on your mental state.

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I know plenty of couples who stay for the children, there is no affection, there is no date nights, there is no togetherness, there is no public displays and outpouring of "marital bliss", they strictly are there for the children only. They lead separate lives and come together for the children (family events, school events, etc).

Yes but there is probably no 3rd party in their marriage.  They just have boring marriages that focus on the kids.  Like millions of married couples.

[Crazelnut]

He is play acting with you. He's doing it to keep you happy and quiet so he can run his private business and spend YOUR special days with the woman he REALLY loves. In short, he is lying to you. Can you see that? He is lying about where he goes. He is lying about being faithful. He is lying about loving you. He is lying about everything -- except loving this other woman and loving his kids. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Irock]

Wow .. that hurts. the total act of being blindsided.. and then having him act like they're no one... And then the truth comes out.. I have experienced this.. in one of it's various forms... The day the crap hit the fan so to speak... He didnt call me to comfort or explain anything.. nope he called her... I called her number first.. asked who she was... She didn't have guys to even talk... Caller id I guess scared her into having one of her friends answer... After hearing that I was a slut..haha... I called my husband and let him know ...I knew.... I got the attitude.... All the cowardly bullshit... She got more apologys about having to explain who I was...cowards.... The thing I hate most.. he wasted my time.... I could have just moved on if he wanted to screw drunk women 20 years his senior.... But men are THAT selfish.... I'm sorry for what you have dealt with... I truly never would have believed it.. one of his friends told me... I felt stupid... Find a support system... Don't try to understand the why's and all that.... You will go crazy... There's no going back .. that moment changes everything.....

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I do apologize as I was not ignoring you, I just post when I can in order. 

Sorry, I've been a little grouchy in my real life the past few weeks and my patience is thinner than usual. 

(All work/demands and no play makes me a grouchy girl!)

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I want him to finally relinquish this nobody Amanda

Nobody to you, my dear, but not to him. 

[Allupinnit]

You're wondering how he can act so duplicitous.  Have you read LShalcy's thread?  Her MM sounds a lot like your H as far as the public outpouring of affection on social media with his wife.  But as you can see he's hiding an insidious secret where he's meeting strange women online and filming it to wank off to later.  

The problem here is though he's invested in this OW in a way aside from raunchy sex.  She's not a "nobody" if he's investing money with her, spending your anniversary WITH HER, and his own family knows all about how he feels.  

Honestly I'm really surprised at how many women here dig in their heels come Dday, on both sides.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@Daisydooks it wasn't his plan, he said that in argument. How many wives and husbands mention something like that in arguments but it never happens. I don't understand why a lot of users are putting an emphasis on something he said while arguing YEARS ago.

 

Thank you.

Umm what kind of husband or wife says this s*** ever? No. This is not normal and not something most couples just threaten or say in anger. 

He is screwing someone else and having a full on affair, using family money (that you're entitled to) behind your back to sink into his business you (should) know nothing about and spending on his OW, TO THIS DAY. He isnt cheating YEARS ago. Lol. He is CHEATING NOW. I guarentee once he gets you into a new house, youll be served with divorce papers. But keep defending him. 🙄

I genuinely want for you not to be blindsided by this but you will be. Its sad. 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Daisydooks

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Yes, I have always worked, but where we live, if we were to part ways, I cannot sustain in a sole household. The price of living is very high here. 

^^^ this is the bottom line.

This is the source of the denial..
This is too difficult  to even contemplate or consider.
He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

[Prudence V]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

But his plans are to buy OP her own house (and pay the mortgage for the first two years, IIRC) *and* to have the kids with him (and, presumably, Amanda) so OP’s costs would only be her own living expenses (and the mortgage, after two years - but she could probably get a lodger in to help offset those?). 

[elaine567]

Just now, Prudence V said:

But his plans are to buy OP her own house (and pay the mortgage for the first two years, IIRC) *and* to have the kids with him (and, presumably, Amanda) so OP’s costs would only be her own living expenses (and the mortgage, after two years - but she could probably get a lodger in to help offset those?). 

There are lots of solutions, divorced women have always "managed",  but she likes the status quo, her husband and family and no financial responsibility, he takes care of most things.
Who really wants a lodger?
 

[Starswillshine]

FTR, it isnt uncommor for a cheating spouse to spend those special days with the AP. Because if the WS told the AP that he cannot spend time with her because it's his anniversary, that would blow up the narrative of "I dont love my wife". So he placates her so she does not get mad. 

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

FTR, it isnt uncommor for a cheating spouse to spend those special days with the AP. Because if the WS told the AP that he cannot spend time with her because it's his anniversary, that would blow up the narrative of "I dont love my wife". So he placates her so she does not get mad. 

More likely the anniversary just isn’t that meaningful to him. In this OPs case he did take OP to dinner so he didn’t ignore her entirely. Presumably he told OP he was working. Most people don’t take a whole day off work just for an anniversary.

Also, If a guy is deeply involved in an affair, does he feel extra guilty meeting his AP on his wedding anniversary? Maybe a few do, not all.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this is the bottom line.

There is indeed a tendency for practical matters to trump emotion in life. At least when we're thinking straight/attempting to.

There is ALSO the phenomenon of denial. And I suspect in many cases practical issues tend to help denial along. Just think how much cleaning up there is to do once a hoarder can finally see the mess clearly.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this is the bottom line.

This is the source of the denial..
This is too difficult  to even contemplate or consider.
He HAS to stay, else the whole world comes tumbling down.
 

^^^Keen intellect and laser precision!

[Prudence V]

On 7/13/2021 at 10:15 AM, elaine567 said:

Who really wants a lodger?

Better the devil you know, I suppose. And a lodger wouldn’t make her look good by posting stuff on FB about how she’s a great “woman of the house”. 

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I understand why you would want to cling to your marriage, but sometimes fear can become crippling. How much more of his disrespect are you going to take?

 

[husbandcheating]

Thank you all for responding, I will be continuously replying to all responses.

Yesterday I looked through our photos 5 years ago, I suppose before his affair started, we had many of videos with family, extended family, and he looks in love. Our photos, our pictures, love doesn't switch off like such, neither does commitment. We were never perfect, but we were our perfection, I don't think this was a ruse. At the same time I am trying to figure out what happened between 5 years ago and the decision to start having sex with Amanda. What 4 years ago made him decide to engage with sexual activity with someone outside of our marriage. And looking at his behavior now, he is still acting the same as he has 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 11 years ago, etc  he still acts as if he is solely in love with me. It is very difficult as I can't see the forest for the trees. His behavior has never changed throughout these years.  

I know the particulars, I read what I have read. I see what I have seen. And I know I have said this repeatedly, my husband, this man, still kisses me, hugs me, makes sure I am included in all family matters, compliments me.

My head is all over the place this evening....

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:13 AM, LynneVicious said:

Op,

you keep repeating that your husband chooses you because he is next to you, sleeping with you, eating dinner with you, going on vacation with you etc. and you reiterate that he is just using her for sex...

For 4 years?! You don’t seem to grasp the concept that your husband is your typical cheater. He is perfectly happy having two women to fulfill his needs. A wife at home for stability, companionship and mother of his children and the ow for passion, sex and yes, probably love.  
 

You also don’t seem to grasp the fact that he’s not going to change this situation. He’s going to continue to lie to you, eat dinner with you, play with your kids, then walk out the door to be in the arms with another woman. For another4 years. Maybe 14 years. Maybe even 40. 
 

He’s going to continue to cake eat, because there is NO REASON for him to stop. you are literally SHARING your husband with another woman. And your willful ignorance is truly mind boggling. You have even seen texts from him with your own eyes stating that he’s trying to keep you happy while he works on things. Your cousin or best friend (I don’t remember which) told you he is only with you for the children.  Yet he posts pics of you on social media, so everything according to you is wonderful and that proves his love. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

You won’t even talk to him about this. It’s extraordinary. 

@LynneVicious I honestly am not ready to have this conversation with him. I have hopes that he will leave her alone. I have hopes that she will leave him alone. There is so much hope that our marriage is the most important thing to him as it is to me. Outside of this Amanda, all of his actions says he is committed to our family. I do know that Amanda is real, I do understand this. 

" He’s going to continue to lie to you, eat dinner with you, play with your kids, then walk out the door to be in the arms with another woman" -This may sound a little absurd but my first initial reaction when reading this is "Amanda is getting the short end of the stick, she isn't getting the dinners, playing with the kids, or family life, she doesn't get to sleep with him every night, I would hate to be her"

"Your cousin or best friend (I don’t remember which) told you he is only with you for the children.  Yet he posts pics of you on social media, so everything according to you is wonderful and that proves his love."

Yes that was mentioned being only with me for the kids, but I do believe that can only last too long, we are years deep in. Yes he does post photos, and words of affirmation on social media, yes we do all the things married people do and again my initial reaction is "Amanda is getting the short end of the stick so why hasn't she left yet!"

 

 

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:20 AM, lana-banana said:

Ma'am. You did not "date" or "break up" with anyone at age 12-13. 

@lana-banana I understand what you are saying but this does not take away the amount of time we have known each other.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:22 AM, Allupinnit said:

Yeah I mean it seems she's ok with the gf as long as it's just sex between them.  She wouldn't be the first wife to turn a blind eye to a cheating husband.

@Allupinnit I am not ok with her. I just want him to end this physical bs with her.

[husbandcheating]

On 7/6/2021 at 9:49 AM, vla1120 said:

This is not true. The reason I stayed with my husband for 18 years after I found out he was cheating with my neighbor/best friend was very simply because neither of us wanted "shared time" with our children. We both insisted that we be full time parents to our girls. Because of this, we both refused to leave. The difference between my situation and yours is - number one, I confronted my husband the MOMENT I learned he was cheating. There was no way I was going to turn a blind eye to that type of betrayal (and my husband was also "business as usual" and was still attentive, affectionate and romantic.) Number two, as soon as he was caught, he stopped cheating (at least with her) and wanted to go to therapy to save our marriage. 

Until you confront him on his cheating, you will not know his intentions. Also, as long as I have been on these boards (almost eight years, now), I have not seen one scenario where the MM starts a side business with the OW. Sure, they lie to the OW and promise they're working on leaving their wives to be with the OW, but for them to be creating a "nest egg" together and co-owning a business together is a bit more serious than you seem to want to believe.

Turning a blind eye to this is to your detriment. You REALLY need to talk to a lawyer and protect your interests sooner rather than later. Then, you need to confront him. THAT is when you will find out exactly what his intentions are with this woman. I really believe, based on what you have described, that he has no intention of being a part-time father to his children. Therefore, you better prepare yourself for the possibility that, when DDay does arrive, he will go for full custody of your kids. 

Of course, you could just maintain the status quo and wait until he blindsides you with divorce papers (whether it be in one year, or 10 years.)

@vla1120 I understand that you stayed for your girls but I am sure you acted as if you were just there for the girls. Right?

I do want to confront him about Amanda, but I am not ready for this as of yet. 

I have read more messages and they do talk about money, business a great ton. Also in this, I do not believe his name is on anything legally as she or they made sure of this. I saw a text saying "well we can add you to the LLC at a later date" But I have seen many of text as I searched for key words. They talk about their finances a load. He has also talked to her about numerous life things which is also confusing me as why would he let her in like that as if he trust her. Mind boggling.

I am not trying to turn a blind eye, I really just want him to wake up for our family and our marriage.