Author husbandcheating Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/6/2021 at 11:21 AM, Wiseman2 said: Ok, you seem to be talking about him leaving and why he won't. You're ignoring that he's having an affair. So is the affair ok as long as he doesn't divorce you? @Wiseman2 This affair is not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/6/2021 at 11:26 AM, mark clemson said: Why the rush to shoo her off the board? If OP chooses to be in a look-the-other-way marriage (not that that's something I'd recommend) and wants to post about it, isn't that her prerogative? Just because she won't or can't take specific suggestions some here have made doesn't mean she shouldn't be posting. This is exactly the right spot on the forum for her thread. Also things may evolve and she may want/need additional feedback (or perhaps become more amenable to some of the suggestions being made). Seems to me that the appropriate thing for those who don't like an OP's responses/actions is to bow out of the thread, rather than trying to tell them THEY should leave. Thank you @mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/6/2021 at 12:05 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said: sunk cost fallacy' @HadMeOverABarrelinvesting in something that no longer has a purpose Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 It is so many in this thread that are in this thread telling this woman who is having an affair that the husband doesn't love her and he wants to be with his wife thats why he is still there. In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I am confused. Does your husband know that you know? Don't worry about other people's threads, worry about how much you really know about your husband's affair. Edited July 15, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 It has now been four years and counting, You want her to leave him alone. What if she doesn't? How long are you prepared to wait, five, six, seven years... or longer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostinLove2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 4 hours ago, husbandcheating said: It is so many in this thread that are in this thread telling this woman who is having an affair that the husband doesn't love her and he wants to be with his wife thats why he is still there. In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. Thank you for sort of adding me to this. First, I am very sorry for your situation. It must be incredibly difficult and being the OW for so many years, I can see both sides of things. I am also confused that everyone is telling you to accept that he is getting ready to divorce you and yet telling me that my MM will not leave his wife. I can tell you from my side of the A, I get very upset when my MM takes trips with his family. Of course I’m guilty of researching social media and finding the pics. He tells me that they mean nothing and that he’s just going through the motions. To me it feels like he wants both of us. I’m sure he loves his wife, just as I’m sure your husband loves you. He might just not know which he wants to move forward with. I’ve read through your responses, but again I ask, he’s been with this woman for 3 years. Why are you staying with him? I’m curios just because of my own situation. He’s managed to pull off two separate lives. Why would any wife want to share their husband for over 3 years? I just don’t get it. You built a life with him, but he’s also building a life with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 4 hours ago, husbandcheating said: It is so many in this thread that are in this thread telling this woman who is having an affair that the husband doesn't love her and he wants to be with his wife thats why he is still there. In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. Let's forget the obvious differences and focus solely on you.... Let's say he never plans to leave you.... are you ok to just live like this forever? As long as he never leaves you? And continues to treat you like he does every day? Are you ok as long as nothing at home changes? Are you ok to turn off your mind when he is gone or you see him with the phone in his hand? Let me tell you, I was never ok with my husband's affair(s). I demanded he had no contact ever. He promised me the moon and the stars that he would be the best husband ever (just watch and pay attention), when I found out his was in contact again, I lost it. But there was some days I would think, as long as he loves me, invests in us, etc... can I turn a blind eye? Can I just forget what he does behind my back? But while he promised he would never speak to her again (she was a long plane ride away) much less see her again, I couldn't stop my mind. I vomited at the thoughts, I was triggered constantly. I became very unhealthy, so underweight most people thought maybe I was on drugs or extremely sick with cancer and dying. I was the shell of the person I once was. My kids got half of a mom who could barely pull herself out of the bed to get to the restroom. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep..I was physically dying... and mentally, I was completely lost. I had to walk away for my sanity. I know there are some women who can do it. But you don't strike me as a woman who can.... you love him too much. You will be me. The only power you have right now is to demand it be stopped. Because he won't until someone tires of it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: am also confused that everyone is telling you to accept that he is getting ready to divorce you and yet telling me that my MM will not leave his wife The difference is he is actually investing in a future with this OW. He has started a business with her. OP has seen text messages where her husband stated to his brother, not just his OW, he loves the OW and wants to be with her but is scared about leaving OP with the kids alone. He also stated to his brother that he offered to buy the OP a house of her own. Now he is asking the OP to go house hunting with him. Your MM gets mad at you for merely asking to meet your family. He isn't investing in your future. 19 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: Why are you staying with him? I’m curios just because of my own situation. He’s managed to pull off two separate lives. Why would any wife want to share their husband for over 3 years? I One can ask the same question of you. The huge difference between the two of you.... the OP is his wife, they have children together, a home, a life, families... everything intertwined. What do you have with your MM? Some rumps between the sheets? Some words filled with false promises? Why would you settle for that? Edited July 15, 2021 by Starswillshine 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LostinLove2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: The only power you have right now is to demand it be stopped. Because he won't until someone tires of it. She can demand it be stopped all she wants, but after 3 years, he isn’t going to. He might be able to play it off and convince her that he’s stopped, but he won’t walk away from Amanda unless Amanda decides to walk away. He will always find a way back to her and he will never fully let her go. He’s figured out to live two lives. She needs to be honest with herself. Can you deal with Amanda being a constant figure in your marriage? If you can, then stay married and live the happy illusion. If you can’t, then you might want to start exploring lawyers and getting some options. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 1 minute ago, LostinLove2 said: She can demand it be stopped all she wants, but after 3 years, he isn’t going to. He might be able to play it off and convince her that he’s stopped, but he won’t walk away from Amanda unless Amanda decides to walk away. He will always find a way back to her and he will never fully let her go. He’s figured out to live two lives. She needs to be honest with herself. Can you deal with Amanda being a constant figure in your marriage? If you can, then stay married and live the happy illusion. If you can’t, then you might want to start exploring lawyers and getting some options. I agree that is the likely outcome. But, it is the only chance she has to make it stop. MM tend to rinse and repeat when things calm down at home. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 6 hours ago, husbandcheating said: @HadMeOverABarrelinvesting in something that no longer has a purpose Basically yes. It's like the compulsion a person has to keep pulling the lever on the slot machine. They don't want to walk away because they think the big win is just around the corner and they've already invested so much to get there. So it is with you and your marriage as it relates to your husband's affair. Like the slot machine player, you've invested so much thinking the payoff will be worth it, it's hard to walk away, so you continue to invest more into your marriage thinking the end of his affair will be right around the corner. The slot player dumps more and more into the slot machine afraid that if they walk away now they will lose out on the big win that they think must be right around the corner. The truth is they are really just throwing away more money/investment for nothing in return. Can you see how this applies to you and your marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 5 hours ago, husbandcheating said: It is so many in this thread that are in this thread telling this woman who is having an affair that the husband doesn't love her and he wants to be with his wife thats why he is still there. In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. Where in @LostinLove2's thread do you see where she says she saw MM writing to his brother that he's really in love with her or that she's house hunting with MM or building a nestegg with him or that they have started a business together? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 16 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Where in @LostinLove2's thread do you see where she says she saw MM writing to his brother that he's really in love with her or that she's house hunting with MM or building a nestegg with him or that they have started a business together? Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of willful ignorance going on here. 99% of OW stories on these boards involve men who swear the moon but never leave, maintain the affair only when it's convenient for them, and keep the OW in a little box full of fun and romance and sex but none of the boring responsibilities of a real relationship. We have read so many versions of this same story over and over that we know what something truly out of the ordinary looks like. OP's story is extremely unusual. Her husband has multiple joint assets with this woman and is pursuing more, including real estate, and he has repeatedly told OP he wanted a divorce. His own family members know he's in love with his mistress, not the wife. Most affairs are about escapism and fantasy, not building nest eggs and starting businesses together. Needless to say, this may be the exception that proves the rule. When a man is serious enough about his mistress to tie himself to her legally and financially, you are way outside the boundaries of normal affair territory. 10 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostinLove2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 48 minutes ago, lana-banana said:Most affairs are about escapism and fantasy, not building nest eggs and starting businesses together. Needless to say, this may be the exception that proves the rule. When a man is serious enough about his mistress to tie himself to her legally and financially, you are way outside the boundaries of normal affair territory. I am going to put my own personal situation aside and agree with you on this one. Totally different situation from my own and I have my own thread, so let’s keep it focused on the OP. It sounds to me that your husband has made concrete plans with his mistress, right down to tying himself to her financially. I’m not sure at what point he is going to pull the trigger, but he’s definitely aligning himself to leave. He must have a few more ducks to get in a row. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 9 hours ago, husbandcheating said: @Allupinnit I am not ok with her. I just want him to end this physical bs with her. It's not just physical. It is emotional and financial, too. 9 hours ago, husbandcheating said: They talk about their finances a load. He has also talked to her about numerous life things which is also confusing me as why would he let her in like that as if he trust her. Mind boggling. Because he does trust her. He is investing money with her. He is building a life with her. 8 hours ago, husbandcheating said: In my case, I am the wife and you are telling me that he actually wants to be with Amanda. I am confused. Because he has tried to get you to move out in the past. Because (for reasons you have not shared with us) he is not comfortable leaving with you solely in charge of the children. Because he is taking active steps to solidify his relationship with Amanda. Because he has told his brother and others that he loves Amanda. As @lana-banana pointed out, we have seen hundreds of threads from OW in which it was clear that the husband was never going to leave. Your story is very different. So much so that there hasn't been a single person in your thread who has not come to the conclusion that your husband is leaving. It's just a matter of when. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 22 minutes ago, introverted1 said: ...we have seen hundreds of threads from OW in which it was clear that the husband was never going to leave. Your story is very different. So much so that there hasn't been a single person in your thread who has not come to the conclusion that your husband is leaving. It's just a matter of when. Hold up there, partner. 🙂 I said it was indeterminate. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Just now, mark clemson said: Hold up there, partner. 🙂 I said it was indeterminate. Sorry, Mark. I must have missed your post(s). Let me rephrase: Not a single person has said that Amanda is inconsequential and that your marriage is solid. Better? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 ^^ absolutely. 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Irock Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 I'm reading this... Then reading it again... Maybe I was raised different .. maybe I just have a different idea of what a marriage means.. or the meaning of commitment... Having been cheated on.. sorry.. f***ing blindsided.. because I was living in a fantasy world and those "friends" that called my husband.. were just that... I never gave it a second thought.. because I never thought after all we had .. he'd just toss it.. I was mistaken... Little thing called boundaries people... I didn't care he had friends.. it's the intention of the friend sometimes... If your husband don't put a stop to the s*** and say .. look I have a wife.. I love her.. and I'm not going to disrespect her.. that's the decision that either makes you a man... Or a scumbag...because then before you know it the secret texts.. and you becoming an a**h*** to me when I question you about it... Game over.... I don't care what sign he is... Social media is a joke... Don't let that decide how you live your life. I got off Facebook years ago... Everyone lies and their lives are wonderful.. speaking clinically... Their lives are not ... Men will treat you how you let them for as long as you let them.. and if you have kids... Guess what.... The probability they seek an ass just like daddy... Pretty high Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 10 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I understand that you stayed for your girls but I am sure you acted as if you were just there for the girls. Right? Wrong. I put on a good show for the world. We were the model family with both parents heavily involved in our childrens' activities. Our marriage was the envy of many of our friends and family. So, no. I did not just act like I was there for the girls. I was there for my family. Did I harbor resentment toward my husband? Yes. Did I trust him? No. Did anyone know that by looking at me or at our marriage? No. 10 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I do want to confront him about Amanda, but I am not ready for this as of yet. I have read more messages and they do talk about money, business a great ton. Also in this, I do not believe his name is on anything legally as she or they made sure of this. I saw a text saying "well we can add you to the LLC at a later date" But I have seen many of text as I searched for key words. They talk about their finances a load. He has also talked to her about numerous life things which is also confusing me as why would he let her in like that as if he trust her. Mind boggling. Clearly, he DOES trust her. Like I have said multiple times, and other people have also said, your situation is out of the norm for these forums. I've not seen another OW who is involved to the extent that the MM enters into business dealings with her. This does not indicate he's only in it for a romp between the sheets. He's far more invested than that. He also told his brother about his OW and that he loves her and wants to be with her. Again, that has not been the norm for OW/MM relationships that I have seen on these forums. 10 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I am not trying to turn a blind eye, I really just want him to wake up for our family and our marriage. You say you want him to "wake up" as if he's sleepwalking through this relationship with the OW. It seems to me that he is doing the sleepwalking through his life with you, moreso than with her. He's making plans for the future with her. He's starting a business with her. He's maintaining the status quo with you to keep you in the dark and not draw attention to his true intentions. But you won't know for sure until you confront him on this. I think you are apprehensive about confronting him because you are afraid that once the cat is out of the bag, it will be easier for him to implement his plan to leave, but again, you won't know until you confront him. I am fascinated by a woman who would rather speculate about what her husband might or might not be planning to do rather than just confront him with your knowledge of his affair. Is it fear? If you really do believe he will stay with you (and I'm always for keeping a marriage intact - it's why I tried so hard to save mine), then the healing will not begin until after you've brought this affair into the light so that you can work on your marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 11 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Thank you all for responding, I will be continuously replying to all responses. Yesterday I looked through our photos 5 years ago, I suppose before his affair started, we had many of videos with family, extended family, and he looks in love. Our photos, our pictures, love doesn't switch off like such, neither does commitment. We were never perfect, but we were our perfection, I don't think this was a ruse. At the same time I am trying to figure out what happened between 5 years ago and the decision to start having sex with Amanda. What 4 years ago made him decide to engage with sexual activity with someone outside of our marriage. And looking at his behavior now, he is still acting the same as he has 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 11 years ago, etc he still acts as if he is solely in love with me. It is very difficult as I can't see the forest for the trees. His behavior has never changed throughout these years. I know the particulars, I read what I have read. I see what I have seen. And I know I have said this repeatedly, my husband, this man, still kisses me, hugs me, makes sure I am included in all family matters, compliments me. My head is all over the place this evening.... Have you ever thought that because he has never changed that maybe, just maybe, infidelity was always on the cards. If he still seems to be as devoted to you now as he was all those years ago, despite Amanda, how do you know it was just Amanda. How do you know he isn't the same now as 10 or 11 years because infidelity goes even further back for him. On the other hand he could be a really really good actor. A lot of them are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 I think you're afraid to force his hand because you know he very well may not choose you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, mark clemson said: Hold up there, partner. 🙂 I said it was indeterminate. 😄🤠 (Your choice of words, partner - cute.) Edited July 15, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Irock Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 After reading these posts.. there are no other words to say except.. I don't know what your seeking.. sympathy? Because there have been some great pieces of advice based on the facts you have laid out... And every reply.. is an excuse to tolerate being treated like crap... Defending and complaining simultaneously about someone who clearly has no respect or interest in you.. your feelings.. everything he says and does with you.. is a show.. just to keep things calm at home ... Get it... So he can walk out the door to his real interest and know he still can come home to someone still willing to wash his underwear... Sometimes it takes hitting the emotional bottom of hell to finally see.. I hope it doesn't take you that long 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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