My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[HadMeOverABarrel]

39 minutes ago, jspice said:

You should probably PM the poster called “Edith” … if you don’t know her already …

You two can commiserate. 

Yeah, but at least Edith has started therapy now so fingers crossed.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/3/2021 at 2:16 AM, NYAG said:

Well if she's a secret she's important enough to protect, right?

@NYAG is this really an association with protecting? Seems more so hiding. 

[lovelychef87]

On 6/22/2021 at 1:16 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you Dis. I actually do work, I just do not make as much as him. I have had the same job for well over 10 years now. It is not that I am turning a blind eye, I just think this is very temporary. We have history, children, our families are tight knitted, and we are married. 

He has never mentioned divorce in anything that I have read. He in fact said that he wants to keep his household intact. Some people advise he will leave when the kids get older, our youngest is 9 so you are meaning to tell me a man will play a game of charades for 8-10 years. I highly doubt that. One cannot "be fake" for too long. I truly believe that my husband loves me, look at his actions outside of this temporary affair. No man can play that well. I do not want to throw our family away based off of 4 year sex thing vs the love we have had over 20 years.

Wendy William  ex cheated with same woman for 15yr. LTA happen.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

@NYAG is this really an association with protecting? Seems more so hiding. 

@husbandcheating Please tell us what you are wanting to accomplish here. Is it just an endless debate on your husband's motives?

You provide details. Posters give their opinions in choir on those details. You then set out to refute those opinions. Meanwhile you are DOING NOTHING in your marriage regarding any of this. 

What is the point here??

[husbandcheating]

On 8/3/2021 at 3:29 AM, Prudence V said:

If you were a soldier, and you found out your commander in chief was an enemy agent, head of your enemy’s armed forces - would you still trust him to lead you into battle against that enemy? Because that is what you are doing here. 

Thank you @Prudence V for this analogy

[lovelychef87]

On 6/22/2021 at 2:52 PM, stillafool said:

But 3-4 years isn't a temporary affair or a fling especially when they have set up a business together.  If she is the only one taking care of his sexual needs at present maybe you should fight for your husband between the sheets.  You can bet that's where Scorpio is putting in her best work.

As a scorpio female we can fake a lot of things we plot and plan as well.

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

We are currently looking at homes for our family...and to that as well, who buys a home "together" but one person won't be living in it

You have no idea if your husband is planning to live in that home with you. 

OP, your self-declared naivete is not an asset.  You claim that Amanda is just a distraction, don't mind that your husband is funneling thousands of dollars to her, don't mind that he is planning to invest in property with her, don't mind living in a house for which you are not on the deed, don't mind that your husband declares love for and has sex with someone else.  The number of things that you are prepared to look the other way about is staggering.

Your husband has cheated before and he's cheating now.  Even if your wildest hopes come true and Amanda walks away, what on earth would make you think that your husband won't just find a new AP?  It's clear from everything you've shared that while he may be devoted to his sons and to the illusion of being a family man, he is not devoted to you in the way that a husband should be. 

Is it that you subscribe to a definition of marriage wherein it's ok if the husband has a mistress as long as he does not publicly humiliate his wife and continues to put up a good front of a devoted family man?  If this is the case, then I echo the question others have asked:  why did you come to Loveshack in the first place?  What do you hope to gain from this thread that is now on its 28th page with every poster save one telling you that your marriage is essentially a sham?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

honestly I do not care about the money, what he makes is what he makes and his hard earned money, he works really hard. And I mean I do not care about the money in the aspect of if we were to get a divorce.

You will care in the event that you find yourself divorced with no income and dependent on his generosity/what he is legally required to pay you in spousal/child support. You will be wishing you had paid more attention sooner…

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You will care in the event that you find yourself divorced with no income and dependent on his generosity/what he is legally required to pay you in spousal/child support. You will be wishing you had paid more attention sooner…

Yep. I wonder if by then he will be without assets on paper and unemployed on paper (i.e. no alimony or assets to hand over in divorce) while in actuality he has assets stockpiled in the secret business he owns with Amanda along with its income.

OP, for him to walk away from Amanda, he has to give up the business he built with her, his assets he's funneled to her, and who knows what else. He is very invested in her in more ways than one, certainly more than just sex. This is not going to just go away. He's not going to get tired of her so you can carry on the fantasy that lives in your mind. 

[Allupinnit]

I think at this point with your complacency you should not be surprised when they sweep the rug out from under you and who knows what you'll be left with.

I'm so sorry, I know this hurts like you cannot imagine and don't want to break up your family by forcing his hand.  But if you don't sack up now don't be surprised when they decide your fate for you, together.

[justbrowsing85]

OP - I have to ask.  Through out your post, you project utmost confidence of your husband's love to you and your family, be it buying a house with you, his proclamation on SM, he attending family events and vacation, proofs that his heart is with you and your family.   Yet why is it that you are so afraid to confront him?   Don't you see the contraction here?  Internet strangers can offer some insights but why not get the answers straight from the source.   WTF with you and Amanda?  

I want to be empathic but like another posted mentioned, you are being willfully ignorant and your children will suffer because of this.  If not for yourself, do take action to protect your children.  He is having an affair for three years and counting no less.

[justbrowsing85]

i meant to say contradiction...

[RebeccaR]

OP, has it occurred to you that perhaps you and your husband have little in common? He and Amanda are both interested in business and real estate, in addition to being more compatible sexually (evidently). It seems he needs her companionship because he does not have as much in common with you. Of course you have your history and children in common, and maybe that is enough to keep him from divorcing you, but if he stays with you he will always be looking for more sexually, intellectually and socially. You might just have to come to terms with the fact that your marriage is not meeting his needs. Of course he should be honest about this instead of cheating, but his lack of candor doesn’t change the fact that you two are not well suited.

Think honestly about whether there is any truth in what I am saying. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, justbrowsing85 said:

 He is having an affair for three years and counting no less.

It is actually FOUR years and counting...

[lovelychef87]

HC do you know if your husband AP has a SO of her own? Is she a single mom?

Edited August 6, 2021 by lovelychef87

[lovelychef87]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It is actually FOUR years and counting...

And who know if the 4yr AP is the first one. who knows how many AP he may have had this 4yr is the one HC caught him in.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

OP, for him to walk away from Amanda, he has to give up the business he built with her, his assets he's funneled to her, and who knows what else. He is very invested in her in more ways than one, certainly more than just sex.

And he has no legal claim to any of these things (that you know of OP) just as OP has no legal claim to her home. 

That’s an awful lot of trust to put in Amanda - he is trusting her to do the right thing by him in much the same way that you are trusting him to do the right thing by you OP. Funny how that works - you depend on him, he depends on her…

Edited August 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, lovelychef87 said:

And who know if the 4yr AP is the first one. who knows how many AP he may have had this 4yr is the one HC caught him in.

 He's cheated before.  Here's the summary so far.  Bullets 1, 2, and 4 address the cheating that's been revealed to date.

On 7/26/2021 at 7:48 AM, introverted1 said:

If I can summarize the past 24 pages, the list looks like this:

• Your husband cheated when you were pregnant with your first child
• He cheated after your first child was born
• He married you out of obligation (pregnancy)
• He's cheating now with Amanda
• He offered to buy you a house if you would agree to let him leave with the boys (and NO, this is not the type of thing said in anger during an argument)
• He's told his brother and family that he loves Amanda
• He's invested significant amounts of money into a business venture with Amanda
• He's looking into buying land/house with Amanda
• You and he argue and say "terrible things"
• He does not engage in intimate conversations with you and your sex life is minimal
• He shares intimacy -- physical and emotional -- with Amanda.
• He has never put you on the deed to his house that he jointly owns with his mother
• He's trying to buy a new house "with" you that many here believe he will not live in with you

It doesn't look good.

 

 

 

 

[heartwhole2]

If you buy a new home together, since it was bought after you were married, it will be a marital asset either way. So honestly since you do not seem keen to confront him any time soon, it would be in your interest to make the new home purchase happen sooner than later.

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Yes you are correct. honestly I do not care about the money, what he makes is what he makes and his hard earned money, he works really hard. And I mean I do not care about the money in the aspect of if we were to get a divorce. I do not like that he is sharing money matters with someone at all.

I've been trying to point out to you that your attitude towards your marriage is connected to the big problem that you are now facing. If you decide that providing well for the family isn't just, you know, his duty as a husband and father, but rather something special that he should be rewarded for with unlimited access to joint funds and the ability to spend them however he wants, then where do you draw the line? It's OK for him to treat the money like his own and spend it however he wants, unless he has a secret girlfriend, and then that's not OK? 

You don't have to nitpick or monitor all of your spouse's spending in order to have a healthy financial relationship. But you know who earns the right not to be monitored or treated like a child? Someone who doesn't abuse that privilege. You're trying to pretend that he's someone that he just isn't.

Don't you work hard? Don't you keep up your end of "the deal"? Then how come you don't get to do secret stuff with the money?

[justbrowsing85]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

where do you draw the line? It's OK for him to treat the money like his own and spend it however he wants, unless he has a secret girlfriend, and then that's not OK? 

This is the root of the problem, isn't it?  There are no boundaries for OP husband at all.   His cheating has no consequences.  Why wouldn't he continues to be a cake eater?  There is no downside for him.

We, internet strangers, have no skin in the game except time and a few key strokes.  But you have everything to lose if you choose to continue the current path...

[Globug]

On 8/3/2021 at 11:16 AM, NYAG said:

I have been reading this whole thread but have not really commented because the OP does not seem to grasp what is really happening here & keeps trying to say "Why would he do this/say that with me if she means that much. You have not confronted him yet either because:

1. You are scared if you do call his bluff he won't choose you.

2. You are getting addicted to the hunt/drama looking into his and her relationship..

Just hope you realize though the longer you wait to confront him the more power you will loose of him choosing you. The more he invest financially with her, shares with her, spends time with her the stronger her hold on him is.

If she decides to have a child with him that could be all he needs to finally make the jump because he does feel kids needs both parents & he would be failing one of his children regardless who he chooses to stay with. The fact that she holds his trust, his finances, his secrets, his hopes, his sexual attraction.... I think that would be the tipping point on which "family" he will choose. Do you want to wait that long & keep giving her more power?

I saw a quite today that made me think of your situation

"Learn the difference between connection and attachment. Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you."

She has the connection with your DH, you have the attachment.

If you can't confront him because you are scared of the results I understand that but to just sit & watch this blow up is hard to watch. I would at least be trying to makes some changes on the financial side to cover you and your kids when he decides to leave.  

 

 

Edited August 7, 2021 by Globug

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@NYAG is this really an association with protecting? Seems more so hiding. 

It depends on what he is trying to protect. He's protecting her, but of course this leads back to him. Protecting/secrecy. It amounts to pretty much the same thing if you're in his shoes.

[lovelychef87]

18 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 He's cheated before.  Here's the summary so far.  Bullets 1, 2, and 4 address the cheating that's been revealed to date.

 

 

I read that. I meant  after those times.  Before he started with the 4yr affair. Like did he stop cheating at all.

[lovelychef87]

15 hours ago, justbrowsing85 said:

This is the root of the problem, isn't it?  There are no boundaries for OP husband at all.   His cheating has no consequences.  Why wouldn't he continues to be a cake eater?  There is no downside for him.

We, internet strangers, have no skin in the game except time and a few key strokes.  But you have everything to lose if you choose to continue the current path...

I believe this is imo of course.  She immature relationship wise and maybe in life experience.

He is the only man she has ever been with in a serious romantic senses. She knows nothing else. Her blinders are stuck on.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/5/2021 at 6:52 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You're asking the same questions you've already asked dozens of times before, and you'll get the same answers from those kind and patient enough to give them. 

Tbh, if I were you at this point, I would've taken matters into my own hands. I would've gotten something documented (like recording him saying he's not going to leave) and whatever evidence.  Then I would have confronted HER with it and ask her how she feels about it. I'm not saying this is legal, without risk, or won't majorly T him off, but I wouldn't care at this point. That's me. 

BUT FIRST I would have all my ducks lined up. I would know what has happened to every penny in the last five years, I would have a report in hand about how he's spending his time and money from a private investigator. I would have my contingency plans in place. I would put on my boxing gloves, figuratively speaking, in preparation for a no-holds-barred, drag-out fight to the finish. But that's me.

EDITED TO ADD: No way I'd sit idly by letting someone make a fool out of me. I'd only play the fool long enough to expose who the real fool is. But again, that's me!  

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. I do not have a desire to contact her and I feel like this would somehow backfire. I know that money seems to be an issue but I do not care about his money vs his heart. His money is his money. Our household is not without, I want him to get his head together to get out of whatever this is that he is going through.

Thank you again. I really am not ready to confront him, call it scared of the outcome, trying not to argue in front of our children or whatever is deep in my head, but I am really not there yet.