Globug Posted August 13, 2021 Share Posted August 13, 2021 On 8/10/2021 at 11:42 AM, husbandcheating said: Thank you @pepperbird2 It really is horrible to deal with it. I think about it often, everyday but still able to get through my days as our children are home, so between work and them, I tend to keep busy mentally. I have reached out to someone for a therapist. I have also been talking to the ones I have already confided in as well. I have been reading this whole thread but have not really commented because the OP does not seem to grasp what is really happening here & keeps trying to say "Why would he do this/say that with me if she means that much. You have not confronted him yet either because: 1. You are scared if you do call his bluff he won't choose you. 2. You are getting addicted to the hunt/drama looking into his and her relationship.. Just hope you realize though the longer you wait to confront him the more power you will loose of him choosing you. The more he invest financially with her, shares with her, spends time with her the stronger her hold on him is. If she decides to have a child with him that could be all he needs to finally make the jump because he does feel kids needs both parents & he would be failing one of his children regardless who he chooses to stay with. The fact that she holds his trust, his finances, his secrets, his hopes, his sexual attraction.... I think that would be the tipping point on which "family" he will choose. Do you want to wait that long & keep giving her more power? I saw a quite today that made me think of your situation "Learn the difference between connection and attachment. Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you." She has the connection with your DH, you have the attachment. If you can't confront him because you are scared of the results I understand that but to just sit & watch this blow up is hard to watch. I would at least be trying to makes some changes on the financial side to cover you and your kids when he decides to leave. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house. I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. It means nothing and in fact it’s an easy way for him to lull you into a sense of security that doesn’t exist. He is emotionally and physically intertwined with another woman, and lying to you about that fact. There is literally no cost to him of putting on the ring knowing it makes you happy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, husbandcheating said: The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. Your therapist said that? Seriously? Wearing a wedding ring means nothing. He’s not even wearing his wedding ring all the time - just “sometimes”. How much do you pay your therapist? Two peanuts an hour? Sheeeesh - Get real woman 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Indigo Night Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 My ex wore his ring while he cheated on me. Your therapist is WAY off base! I'm a therapist, and would never claim that his wearing his ring meant nothing more than putting on a show for family. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. That seems like a ridiculous thing for a therapist to say. You yourself state that he does not wear his ring - except when he is putting on a show for you and everyone else at a family gathering. That’s very much in keeping with what everyone has been saying to you, is it not. This marriage is for show, 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Indigo Night Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 4 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house. I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Thank you again. You don't seem to want to listen to anyone who has been where you are. Went keep posting is you aren't willing to take any advice, and just keep grasping at straws? There were women who liked it when my ex wore his wedding ring. It made them feel like the 'stole' him from me, and added a special thrill to their affair. I know because I asked one of his long time flings. The ring turned her on. Grasp at straws all you want, but the bottom line is he is cheating on you. Will it take him getting sometime pregnant, or giving you an STI, for you to actually gave what he's doing? Your therapists comment about the ring is absurd! I've been a therapist for 10 years, and can't say that right had ever crossed my mind. Perhaps you'd be better served talking to summertime not religious based. The ring means a lot more to you than it does the woman/women shaving in an affair with your husband. Summer see if as a challenge. Others see it as a guarantee that he wont get serious. Then there are those who just don't care. Your therapist put a lot of value onto a ring that is pointless on a man who cheats. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 6 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house. I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Thank you again. I don't know about that. If he's only wearing it some times then it must mean he's being selective. What is he doing on the days when he's not wearing it? Does it mean he wants people to think he is single or does he sometimes just not put it on in the morning if he's just pottering around the house all day? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 7 hours ago, husbandcheating said: ...when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. So by that logic, when he is not wearing his ring he is not committed? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 What kind of therapist is this? Is this someone who is professionally credentialed such as a masters degree in behavioral health and holds a state license to practice mental health? Or is this someone at a church or religious institution that "counsels" people? How many years has this person been in the mental health field? What are their areas of specialization? What techniques and modalities do they utilize? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 A big fat L.O.L. The OW in our case bought herself a band to wear on her wedding ring finger (she was single), so she could pretend to be his wife when they were together. His vows mean crap, how do you expect the ring to signify something? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tynkrbel Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 husbandcheating, Why Are You Here ?? ?? ?? What is it You are seeking from Us ?? Are You looking for 'approval' that You stay in this Marriage ?? You don't seem to have an 'issue' with Your Husband cheating. You 'justify' staying with Him, constantly praise what a 'good' Husband/Family Man He is. Since You are TOTALLY accepting of this - STAY !! - but know You 'sugar coating' what kind of Man He is. Reality is You are Married to a cheating, lying Man who has no respect or regard for His Wife and Children. He's a Man without Character (cheats and lies), and has no Morals (cheats and lies). If this is okay WITH You, it's okay FOR You. You're wasting Your time being here - and You're wasting Our time. I'm done. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 10 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. It's part of his double life. On with the ring when he pretends to be a good husband and father. Off with the ring when he's prowling around impregnating teenagers. Hopefully your therapist is licensed, objective, qualified and personal religious views will not obscure advice that is in your best interest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tynkrbel Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 P.S. Your therapist realizes You're accepting of Your Husband cheating - AND - She realizes if She says what You want to hear, You will keep coming back and pay Her fee(s). She knows Your Husband is only committed to HimSelf. He wears His ring because He knows it makes You happy AND Your therapist knows what You want to hear and keeps You coming back. Now, I REALLY am done 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 10 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house. I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Thank you again. You need a new therapist. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: The OW in our case bought herself a band to wear on her wedding ring finger (she was single), so she could pretend to be his wife when they were together. Yikes! That’s another level of delusion… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 Your husband is only wearing his ring when he knows family members and his wife will be bothered that he's not. It doesn't mean anything positive. It just means that he's not married in his mind except when he has to put on a show. I think this is what the therapist was trying to point out to you -- not to make you feel better that he wears it sometimes. You can't be a good husband half the time and OW's boyfriend the other half of the time. Having a mistress that you're funneling family money to means you are being a crap husband. You're not going to find magic proof that he loves you and wants to stay married to you. It's just not there. Maybe if you get firm and have a hard boundary around not dating other people while married to you, then he'll decide he'd rather be the family man with his kids every day and put in the effort. But that's a big if. He's already shown he is willing to lie and cheat to get what he wants. He's already disrespected you so much. Only you can put a stop to it by saying you won't be married to someone with a girlfriend. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) OP you can speculate endlessly about what this or that means - rings, social media posts, texts, offhand comments about houses and the future (both to you and to her!). But asking him outright to end his affair is perhaps the quickest way to get the answers you're looking for, and to find out what he actually wants. See what he says. Edited August 16, 2021 by serial muse 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 44 minutes ago, serial muse said: OP you can speculate endlessly about what this or that means - rings, social media posts, texts, offhand comments about houses and the future (both to you and to her!). But asking him outright to end his affair is perhaps the quickest way to get the answers you're looking for, and to find out what he actually wants. See what he says. And then, most importantly, see what he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa_Lisa Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 5 hours ago, tynkrbel said: husbandcheating, Why Are You Here ?? ?? ?? What is it You are seeking from Us ?? Are You looking for 'approval' that You stay in this Marriage ?? You don't seem to have an 'issue' with Your Husband cheating. You 'justify' staying with Him, constantly praise what a 'good' Husband/Family Man He is. Since You are TOTALLY accepting of this - STAY !! - but know You 'sugar coating' what kind of Man He is. Reality is You are Married to a cheating, lying Man who has no respect or regard for His Wife and Children. He's a Man without Character (cheats and lies), and has no Morals (cheats and lies). If this is okay WITH You, it's okay FOR You. You're wasting Your time being here - and You're wasting Our time. I'm done. We should stop replying to her questions and only respond to any action she's taken in her situation. We're running around in circles wasting our time giving advice and thinking thoughtfully about how to respond to her. We are all her therapists. Please stop the madness. Stop engaging. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 16 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Wearing his wedding ring (or not wearing his wedding ring) means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Your therapist is way off base (and religion has nothing to do with it, either!) Talk about grasping at straws.... My first husband, who cheated, wore his ring ALL THE TIME. My second husband, who was very committed to me, never wore his wedding ring because of his job. Link to post Share on other sites
DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 16 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Hello everyone, thank you again for your responses. I will be able to reply to everyone tonight as I will have time with the boys out of my house. I wanted to bring up something my therapist brought up. Wedding Rings.I wear my wedding ring faithfully and sometimes my husband does not where his, but when we do family outings, trips, events with family, weddings, and things of that nature, my husband always puts his ring on. The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself. There is much more. But I wanted to get everyones perspective on him wearing his wedding ring. She stated that someone that really wanted to leave his marriage wouldn't wear the thing that signifies commitment to the marriage and the person. I know you all have responded but the wedding ring is what I want would like your opinion on. Thank you again. My husband wore his ring the whole time he was cheating on me. He never took it off. It means nothing. Your therapist is wrong. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) I think you are assuming the husband is honoring his wedding ring and what it symbolizes. But clearly he’s not. so his wedding ring - and wearing it - is a farce…to you and the marriage. your therapist either doesn’t have all the info regarding your marriage and the cheating - or is a complete tool. Edited August 16, 2021 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 I am somewhat impressed in your self control. You’ve known since what…February? There is nooooo way in the world I could keep that to myself for six months. Hell, it would probably be hard for me not to confront him before I had time to go to a lawyer and document financials. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) changed my mind Edited August 16, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel Link to post Share on other sites
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