My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 impregnating teenagers.

Wrong thread WM2...

Edited August 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/16/2021 at 2:46 AM, husbandcheating said:

The therapist that I have (she is religious) stated that is he is wearing his wedding ring, then that is a sign that he is committed to our marriage and myself

Your therapist must've gotten her credentials from Comedy College. 

[husbandcheating]

On 8/15/2021 at 5:59 PM, RebeccaR said:

It means nothing and in fact it’s an easy way for him to lull you into a sense of security that doesn’t exist. He is emotionally and physically intertwined with another woman, and lying to you about that fact. There is literally no cost to him of putting on the ring knowing it makes you happy.

Thank you @RebeccaR. The ring doesn't particularly make me happy. This isn't something I make him do. 

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/15/2021 at 6:56 PM, Pumpernickel said:

Your therapist said that? Seriously?

Wearing a wedding ring means nothing. He’s not even wearing his wedding ring all the time - just “sometimes”. How much do you pay your therapist? Two peanuts an hour? Sheeeesh - Get real woman

 

@Pumpernickel Yes she did. She is a religious marriage counselor and therapist. 

[husbandcheating]

On 8/15/2021 at 8:32 PM, Indigo Night said:

My ex wore his ring while he cheated on me. Your therapist is WAY off base! I'm a therapist, and would never claim that his wearing his ring meant nothing more than putting on a show for family. 

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

[husbandcheating]

On 8/15/2021 at 8:39 PM, BaileyB said:

That seems like a ridiculous thing for a therapist to say.

You yourself state that he does not wear his ring - except when he is putting on a show for you and everyone else at a family gathering. That’s very much in keeping with what everyone has been saying to you, is it not. This marriage is for show, 

@BaileyB She did say this, and put a lot of emphasis on it. He wears it when we go out. Not around the house, etc. I never thought it was for show, Just thought that he wore it when we went out bc we are going out. Not just at family gatherings, but just events in general.

[husbandcheating]

On 8/15/2021 at 10:46 PM, Indigo Night said:

You don't seem to want to listen to anyone who has been where you are. Went keep posting is you aren't willing to take any advice, and just keep grasping at straws? There were women who liked it when my ex wore his wedding ring. It made them feel like the 'stole' him from me, and added a special thrill to their affair. I know because I asked one of his long time flings. The ring turned her on.

Grasp at straws all you want, but the bottom line is he is cheating on you. Will it take him getting sometime pregnant, or giving you an STI, for you to actually gave what he's doing? 

Your therapists comment about the ring is absurd! I've been a therapist for 10 years, and can't say that right had ever crossed my mind. Perhaps you'd be better served talking to summertime not religious based. The ring means a lot more to you than it does the woman/women shaving in an affair with your husband. Summer see if as a challenge. Others see it as a guarantee that he wont get serious. Then there are those who just don't care. Your therapist put a lot of value onto a ring that is pointless on a man who cheats. 

 

Thank you @Indigo NightI do listen to the advice that is being given. While it may seem like I am not, I think about these things every single day and how will I incorporate things that have been said. 

Yes I know that he is cheating on me and I live with this everyday. It is very hard knowing this but also seeing how loving he is towards me and our children.

My therapist did say those things about the ring and she also says that him deciding to remain in our home says a lot. That he is still committed to our marriage regardless of the affair. 

[husbandcheating]

On 8/16/2021 at 12:26 AM, NYAG said:

I don't know about that. If he's only wearing it some times then it must mean he's being selective. What is he doing on the days when he's not wearing it? Does it mean he wants people to think he is single or does he sometimes just not put it on in the morning if he's just pottering around the house all day?

Thank you @NYAG. He wears it when we go out or attend events and affairs, holidays, family time, our children sporting events, school functions, etc. He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

[husbandcheating]

On 8/16/2021 at 1:13 AM, elaine567 said:

So by that logic, when he is not wearing his ring he is not committed?

@elaine567 According to my therapist she feels that he is still committed to our marriage because he chooses to stay in our marriage. That this affair is a war within himself possibly.

[Crazelnut]

With all due respect, your therapist is as deluded as you are. If he was committed to your marriage, he wouldn't be in love with another woman and COMMITTING to her by buying property in her name.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

46 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

@elaine567 According to my therapist she feels that he is still committed to our marriage because he chooses to stay in our marriage. That this affair is a war within himself possibly.

🤦  Nothing like enabling someone's codependence.

Your therapist is either not properly credentialed -OR- has not worked through her own "stuff" (with codependent tendencies and/or projections of her own) -OR- you are giving her a completely skewed picture of what is happening to the point she is not able to discern facts from your rose-colored opinions -OR- you are misinterpreting her words (like you do your husband's actions) -OR- some combination of the above.

For comparison, on Edith's thread, you can read how Edith ruminated obsessively over her husband's affair with a particular woman to the point she effectively avoided her own inner issues. Finally (recently) she started up with a therapist. Note how her therapist put her to task straight away to refocus her attention off of husband and onto herself, where it should be. Then they began to work on what Edith needs for herself and what is best for Edith. Such is the sort of therapy you need. Otherwise, just buy yourself a parrot and teach it to repeat what you want to hear. 

Bottom line, OP, is nobody can help you until you decide to help yourself. First you have to recognize there is a problem to begin with. You have to be open to exploring options you haven't considered. Have you read Edith's threads? You have much in common with the way you handle your husbands' infidelity. 

Edit: Alternatively, if you get a parrot, maybe the parrot will observe your husband's behaviors and overhear his interactions with OW. Then, the parrot can repeat the truth about what's happening until you finally believe it. I mean, parrots are very smart with the reasoning ability of a child. I know of at least one incident where the parrot helped law enforcement solve its owner's murder case by repeating the words of the victim and perpetrator. Maybe this can help. 😉

Edited August 17, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Hopefulandinlove]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @NYAG. He wears it when we go out or attend events and affairs, holidays, family time, our children sporting events, school functions, etc. He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

So he wears it with you out of the house, but when he heads out without you he doesn’t wear it. So when he’s with her. 
rings mean nothing if he’s kissing and loving another woman..... worry about what his hands are touching, more than what’s on his finger. 

[LynneVicious]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My therapist did say those things about the ring and she also says that him deciding to remain in our home says a lot. That he is still committed to our marriage regardless of the affair. 

I think you found a ‘therapist’ who would validate your feelings. Because he absolutely 100% CANNOT be committed to your marriage while in an active affair. Holy hell Batman. 

[S2B]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@elaine567 According to my therapist she feels that he is still committed to our marriage because he chooses to stay in our marriage. That this affair is a war within himself possibly.

Get a new therapist! This one isn’t helping you at all - to see reality! That therapist is only feeding your delusional mindset.

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

It sounds more to me that he is committed to keeping up the pretence where it's valid. Religion and wedding bands never stopped anyone from getting up to tricks if that's what they wanted but it's a great cover. I would be very careful about what your therapist is telling you here.

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He just doesn't wear it at home, or a trip to the grocery store, work etc

It seems that what he is basically saying here is that when he's not with you, he doesn't want anyone to know he is married.

[Indigo Night]

15 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

Your therapist is making a lot of assumptions, likely because she is religious.

I stayed with my ex for enough time to set myself up to leave him. We did things as a couple. I wore my ring. Etc. So what? I put on a great show so I could get everything  in order to leave him. Based on your therapists logic I wanted to stay in the relationship. Nope! I just needed time to prepare to leave!!

She's giving you flawed advice. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, Amanda wouldn't be an issue. PERIOD! 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

I stayed with my ex for enough time to set myself up to leave him. We did things as a couple. I wore my ring. Etc. So what? I put on a great show so I could get everything  in order to leave him. Based on your therapists logic I wanted to stay in the relationship. Nope! I just needed time to prepare to leave!!

People do what they have to do.
The OP seems very naïve as regards the ways of the world and seems to take everything at face value, when the world doesn't work like that.
Her husband is lying and cheating every day, yet he MUST love her, MUST be committed to her, as he wears his wedding ring... sometimes....

[Prudence V]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP seems very naïve as regards the ways of the world and seems to take everything at face value

Confirmation bias. I see it with novice undergraduate researchers all the time. They’re so desperate to prove XYZ that any shred of “evidence” is corralled into building a case, while any contrary evidence is disregarded / dismissed without serious engagement. In a university setting, though, they’re given constructive feedback and a chance to resubmit the work to pass the assessment. In OP’s case, if she doesn’t “get it right” first time, the consequences will be more severe. 

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

he doesn't want anyone to know he is married

…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to know he’s married to OP. 
 

It’s possible that OP’s H and “Amanda” have their own matching rigs that they wear when they go out together, buying property for example, or doing whatever other “building” activities they do as a couple - who knows?
 

OP’s H has shown that he knows how to keep OP off his back with a few superficial / cosmetic displays, so he can get on with the real project of building a life with Amanda, and since that’s really where his heart is, who knows how many other ways he demonstrates that?

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to know he’s married to OP. 
 

It’s possible that OP’s H and “Amanda” have their own matching rigs that they wear when they go out together, buying property for example, or doing whatever other “building” activities they do as a couple - who knows?
 

OP’s H has shown that he knows how to keep OP off his back with a few superficial / cosmetic displays, so he can get on with the real project of building a life with Amanda, and since that’s really where his heart is, who knows how many other ways he demonstrates that?

If this is the case, then this man is well, and I hate to use this term but it's actually quite apt, a dirtbag and someone who can never, ever, ever be trusted. Makes me wonder what he's got going on behind Amanda's back too.

Op, why are you letting the two of them run your life? They both sound like extremely dishonest people. I understand that you love "him' but don't you see...what you love isn't him. What you love is the image of him you have built up in your mind. This man has been actively lying to your face every day for the past three years. Think abut that. For the past thee years, every day he has looked into your eyes and lied, even if its just by omission. Never ever forget that to them, you are the enemy. They are both perfectly content with seeing you crumble if it means they can be happy. Your devastation is , at least in their minds, a fair price to pay for them to be together.  To them you are just a roadblock that's in their way.  They don't have any moral or ethical problems with what they are doing, and that tells you everything you need to know abut tour spouse.

All the trips, all the "family times", all the romantic and loving words he has said to you mean nothing. These were just ways to placate you and keep you quiet. Personally, I think Amanda is on a fool's errand.How she can trust this guy is beyond me. I doubt he's really capable of really loving anyone, except himself that is.

I know this may sound extreme, but I say let him go to Amanda if that's what he wants, but not before carting my behind on over to a layer's office. You're a mom with kids to protect. If you can't help yourself for yourself, do it for them. If you think waiting is going to make the situation any better, it won't. Even if he dropped Amanda tomorrow, can you honestly say you could ever trust him again?

[Prudence V]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

for the past three years.

Four years.

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Even if he dropped Amanda tomorrow, can you honestly say you could ever trust him again?

☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾This. 
 

OP seems to think her marital issues would all vanish if Amanda gave up on OP’s H. Yet OP’s H has made it abundantly clear to his brother that he has checked out of the M, that he sees OP “as a co-worker” whom he doesn’t trust to raise his kids… His tone about OP has been nothing but disrespectful and dismissive, despite all the window dressing on SM. He has said far too many things that can never be unsaid. They fight (frequently, fromOP’s description) and they fight dirty. He has been a horrible H to OP and *whatever happens / doesn’t happen with “Amanda”* I think OP would be foolish in the extreme to consider a future with this guy. No amount of religion or SM window dressing can compensate for how appallingly he has treated, and continues to treat, OP.
 

Sadly, she seems to have picked a lemon of a counsellor who is of the “stay together at all costs” and “stick your fingers in your ears” persuasion, so she will never help OP to recognise her own worth outside of this truly diabolical farce which OP considers a marriage. 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This man has been actively lying to your face every day for the past three years.

Four years actually...

[vla1120]

20 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My therapist did say those things about the ring and she also says that him deciding to remain in our home says a lot. That he is still committed to our marriage regardless of the affair. 

There are good and bad therapists. You might think your therapist is good because she's telling you what you want to hear. All she is doing is reinforcing the delusion you already have, that your cheating, lying husband is somehow dedicated to you and your marriage. She is doing you a serious disservice by helping you continue this fantasy you have that your husband is committed to you, playing along with this nonsense about what wearing (or not wearing) his wedding ring means. Meanwhile, he continues his affair with Amanda. He continues to funnel money away from YOUR family to HER business and possible real estate investments. 

I sincerely hope things work out in your favor. I'm just not very confident. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am curious if this therapist is actually a qualified, credentialed therapist. It's possible that she's got zero formal training and just uses the title of "therapist" or "counselor" or whatever without having any professional background. Depends on where and how OP found this person. 

I know a woman who was connected to a religious organization, and touted her services as therapy (religiously-oriented) Had business cards, certificates on the wall, the whole 9. Turns out she was not actually a therapist at all, but a woman who was "skilled at giving advice and spritual guidance." A closer look at her certificates revelaed they were not actual academic qualifications, but certificates of completion for various workshops and a few training sessions from other spiritual and religious entities. 

Just a thought. Some play fast and loose with the term "therapist."