My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

there is everything else earned during the many years of marriage (depending on how the jurisdiction looks at that). And spousal support, which also can vary

I believe the husband is too smart to not have planned ahead for this. I suspect he has funneled much of the liquid assets into the business with his OW and/or into trust(s)/other entities which will be difficult to locate even with a PI and all the data warehousing that currently exists.

If he's extra, he'll also be 'unemployed' on paper (not knowing OP is already aware of his secret business) so he can reduce or eliminate alimony. Even if not, I had a friend who ended up getting only $1,000/month in alimony (no assets) in the divorce decree from her now ex-husband with whom they built a business together yielding $15k/month net. He kept all the equity in the business plus all the monthly cash flows. 

Lastly, husband would probably go for full custody or at least 50/50 based on OP's comments. 

The jurisdiction matters, but overall I don't think things look great for OP unless OP suddenly becomes a tigress and takes charge by turning the tables (not likely imo).

[mark clemson]

^^ you may well be right. Certainly things do not look good for OP if the marriage she hopes to stay in appears to be a coin toss, so I'm with you there. 🙂

If he tries to be "unemployed" and hide large-scale business assets that are 50% hers by right and there is court-admissible evidence of this, he might be in for the sh*tstorm of his life if/when a lawyer representing her finds out about it.

However, all this is hypothetical.

Edited August 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[introverted1]

My take is that the husband will likely do right by OP from a financial perspective.  After all, he previously offered to buy her a house if she would release him from the marriage.  My sense -- and obviously anything we hear is being filtered through OP's lens -- is that he is investing in his r/s with Amanda more than trying to hid assets from OP.  Assuming he gets 50/50 custody, which would be the norm unless there is substance abuse or similar, I don't think he will do anything to harm his children, directly or indirectly.

None of which is to say that I don't think OP should see a lawyer.  She absolutely should. All this time spent with her head in the sand is only allowing him more control over how the end plays out.  If she doesn't want to be a victim for another 4, 8, 12, forever years, she needs to take control of her life.  

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/19/2021 at 6:43 PM, mark clemson said:

 

If he tries to be "unemployed" and hide large-scale business assets that are 50% hers by right and there is court-admissible evidence of this, he might be in for the sh*tstorm of his life if/when a lawyer representing her finds out about it.

This is her one 'ace in the hole,' if only she would play it. 😩😉

[Meerah]

On 6/20/2021 at 6:23 PM, husbandcheating said:

He does not. I have been going back and forth with the idea of bringing it up because I do feel that this woman will eventually leave. He will break things off and focus on me and our family. But like I said, he hasn't missed anything, he always with us at family affairs, and is a great family man! 

If you want to save your marriage. Tell him. 

[SolG]

OP, while I obviously can't actually speak for Amanda, I really think you and she are both living in affairyland right now. Pick-me dancing flip sides of a coin affairyland no less.

You're all ensconced in your he-wears-his-ring and posts-on-facebook so he MUST love me despite being in a four-year affair world, and Amanda is probably ensconced in her oh-we-look-at-realestate and he says he's-only-staying-for-the-children so he MUST love me despite keeping me as a secret mistress for four years world.

You're both delusional if you think he's going to pick a solution that primarily benefits anyone other than himself. And frankly he gets the most benefit from stringing you both along for as long as he can without disruption. 

[tynkrbel]

1 hour ago, SolG said:

OP, while I obviously can't actually speak for Amanda, I really think you and she are both living in affairyland right now. Pick-me dancing flip sides of a coin affairyland no less.

You're all ensconced in your he-wears-his-ring and posts-on-facebook so he MUST love me despite being in a four-year affair world, and Amanda is probably ensconced in her oh-we-look-at-realestate and he says he's-only-staying-for-the-children so he MUST love me despite keeping me as a secret mistress for four years world.

You're both delusional if you think he's going to pick a solution that primarily benefits anyone other than himself. And frankly he gets the most benefit from stringing you both along for as long as he can without disruption. 

On 8/16/2021 at 11:06 AM, tynkrbel said:

SolG - VERY well said !! !! TOTALLY agree !! !!

 

[June14]

Hi HC

just wanted to mention that there was a story on Reddit written by a relative

the post had many similarities to your situation - the husband mentioned in the post has started a business with his affair partner and is waiting for the business to settle and bring in profit, the information was given to the relative by the Affair Partner. When confronted the husband confirmed that he would leave his wife after everything was put in place. The family ( siblings) of the husband know. 
the post had the same background information as this post from the husband / relative pov. There are too many similarities ( cheating father, real estate purchase, wife children details, sibling details etc etc)  for it to be coincidental.

please plan your exit - otherwise you will loose a lot

[Prudence V]

On 8/31/2021 at 12:27 PM, June14 said:

just wanted to mention that there was a story on Reddit written by a relative

I’m guessing the discussion has moved there…

[Taramere]

On 8/19/2021 at 2:27 PM, elaine567 said:

They are not, she owns nothing. He owns the house along with his mother due to an inheritance, and the OP's name is not on the deeds.
The house has apparently never been a marital asset.

Family law and the question of what is and what isn't a matrimonial asset can be complex.  

@husbandcheating it's vital that you make an appointment with a specialist in family (divorce) law in order to get proper advice.  I haven't looked through the whole thread, but it seems as though your husband may have been channeling matrimonial assets into a business arrangement with another woman and you really need to get ready to protect your position. 

I'm picking up that paying for an attorney is an issue - as it is for many people, particularly if they live in areas where legal aid isn't available.  That's a real problem for a lot of people.  We often, rightly, advise people to consult with professionals - but professionals tend to charge fees which people seeking free advice online can't always afford.  Working on a contingency basis (ie no win no fee) basis often isn't permissible for family lawyers on the basis that it can be unethical.  However, a family lawyer may be prepared to make an agreement where they hold off on claiming their fees until the matter is settled.  Which might sound like, but isn't the same as working on a contingency basis. 

A lot of lawyers will offer a free half hour or a low fixed rate initial appointment...so perhaps shop around and see who you can find who can do a deal like that for you. There may very well be a way around the not insubstantial issue of being unable to pay a lawyer's fees right now.  Find a local firm in your area who are proven (with genuine testimonials) in this area of work, and make enquiries as to what sort of fee payment arrangements they offer.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramere

[Indigo Night]

If the OP  cannot afford a lawyer, the court usually has a firm to fill out that would require the other side to post all legal fees, due to the financial hardship of the other spouse. You can usually call the county clerk to find out if this is an option.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

If the OP  cannot afford a lawyer, the court usually has a firm to fill out that would require the other side to post all legal fees, due to the financial hardship of the other spouse. You can usually call the county clerk to find out if this is an option.

I've never heard of this.  Here, the person with no money for legal costs would be given a lawyer who is employed by the state.  The OP would have to see what kind of arrangements are made in her jurisdiction.  

[Indigo Night]

Just now, basil67 said:

I've never heard of this.  Here, the person with no money for legal costs would be given a lawyer who is employed by the state.  The OP would have to see what kind of arrangements are made in her jurisdiction.  

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

[Crazelnut]

6 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

This is not available in all states in the US. They all have forms you can use to file on your own behalf, but who pays what is determined by state law. 

[Indigo Night]

11 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

The only way to find out is all. My sister did the same thing in her state, so several states offer it.

[Redpilled]

On 6/20/2021 at 7:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

I know we can't lump all Taurus' in one big group

That hurt my head to read

[husbandcheating]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you again for all of your responses and advice. I was going to therapy and have actually been to two different ones. 

An update. With the majority of our children being in extra curricular activities, we have been a very busy family. Our weekends are pretty tied up and I love that our children are so active. We are with each other every weekend all day as we have so many things to get accomplished within a weekend of 2 days. 

We even attended his cousin's wedding anniversary celebration last month-JUST THE TWO OF US! His cousin reached out to me to let me know the details and I set it up to where we would have a great night! He was excited to go and we had a really good time! Dancing, drinks, pictures, it was absolutely stunning and I finally felt like everything was going to be ok! I hadn't checked his phone or anything and really left everything up to fate.

The morning after our wonderful night, I checked his phone and saw that he had called her earlier that morning, his call log also had that he talks to her a lot I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. The day of the wedding celebration for his cousin on our night, he talked to her for hours with numerous text message exchanges up until the time we left our home! After a night of magic with his family, he calls her????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I even read a message from her saying "I do understand that you love me and I understand that you do not consider yesterday evening a date, but a duck quacks like a duck, it is a duck and we will always have that difference in our opinions, I think its a splendid evening on the town, you think of it as, people expect her to be there so she's there" (Yes I took a picture of this from my phone!) to add context as of my opinion,  I do consider that evening a date, how can you not???????????????????????????????????????? He asked her what can he do, and she told him, I am not making you do anything, you need to come to a conclusion about your own life and how you want to live it. 

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????????????????????????????????????????????

[Hopefulandinlove]

I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better. Im sorry it hurts so much. What have the therapists said?

[elaine567]

You need to get it into your head, that him spending time with you is not "magical" in his eyes.
He is fulfilling his role, nothing more nothing less.
You are projecting how you feel onto him, meanwhile he is spending time talking to her and trying to smooth the waters on her end.

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Her obviously, who else?
Seems like she is looking for some sort of a decision from him, so I suggest you be prepared. 

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life"

Clearly his feelings about her haven’t changed, even if you’ve been able to distract yourself with kids’ activities and extended family engagements. 
 

Have you broached your extreme levels of denial with your therapists? 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

He asked her what can he do, and she told him, I am not making you do anything, you need to come to a conclusion about your own life and how you want to live it. 

It sounds like she is basically saying, he needs to make a decision. And considering that every indication is that he is planning a future with this other woman, you had best prepare yourself for the day that he tells you he is leaving…

[Pumpernickel]

You need to understand that your weekends together with the kids, your couples trips, “dates”, and your pictures together mean nothing to him. He’s got a love affair on the side, and it appears that the OW is the person he wants to be with. She’s his person. For whatever reason (everybody has their own reasoning) he currently believes that staying put and maintaining the façade to you and the outside world is the better choice for the moment. It doesn’t mean that that’s what and where he wants to be. He just feels he has to. 
 

His actions (behind your back) speak louder than words. What he chooses to show you (for now) & say to you are the things he wants you to believe (again, for now). This means he is doing and saying things that are not in line with how he feels and/or with what his true intentions are. You know what he would do if he could. And he’s manipulating you for his own benefit (money, custody, … ??).
 

The fact that you know more than he thinks should empower you to make the decision for him, instead of waiting around hoping he’ll change your mind. Nothing will change for the better if you keep reading his messages without confronting him. That’s just a waste of time. You already know what’s going on. 
No need to verify that over and over again - the time to do something about it has come. It actually came when you first found out about it. Don’t drag it out any further. You’ve tried that. They’re still together. Don’t let yourself be humiliated further.
 

You may be surprised at his reaction, too. Who knows…..maybe that’s the wake up call he needs, the fear of losing you & the kids. If you do nothing, nothing will change. Don’t be a doormat. 

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do you work? Do you earn enough money to support yourself?

Yes she works, but lives  in an expensive area so would struggle to maintain a reasonable standard of living on her wages.
He owns the house (inheritance), she would have no claim on that.

[vla1120]

On 11/2/2021 at 8:34 AM, husbandcheating said:

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Unfortunately, you know exactly who he is talking about and he's not talking about you. It sounds like she is starting to give him ultimatums. Please prepare yourself for what is to come. Have you shared this information with your therapist? What is his/her opinion? I wish you would get mad about this and act accordingly. Otherwise, you are going to feel blindsided when he tells you he is leaving you for her.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I really believe this is all going to end badly, and the longer you allow this to go on, the worse its going to be.

Your husbands sounds like he;s dong the bare minimum that he has to do to both keep the peace and keep up appearances, but he really doesn't want to be with you. He'd rather be with his ow, and every day he stays, his resentment towards you ( and maybe even his kids) for doing what he may perceive as keeping him trapped.

If you won't start taking action now to protect yourself, do it to protect your kids. If I were you, I woudl very quietly and without letting him know, I would start getting my ducks n a row. Be cordial to him, and when you feel you have a plan in place, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with him in a sham marriage, or would you rather end it on your terms in a way that is easiest for your kids? You'll be able to make a decision from strength, not desperation because you have no other alternative.