My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[mark clemson]

Given that OP's primary concern seems to be that her husband eventually "chooses her" so she can maintain her marriage and family (and presumably what sounds like a pretty cushy lifestyle along with it):

- If one looks at and gives weight to all the things he's doing with OW, it looks bad in terms of him being likely to stay married.

- However, while I certainly don't give the wedding ring thing much stock, if one looks at and gives weight to all things he's doing with OP, it looks pretty good.

That's the problem with ambiguity - it could go either way.

OP, while you can hope for the best all you like, since it could indeed go EITHER way, I hope you are taking all the warnings to PREPARE for (potentially) the worst seriously.

[Starswillshine]

38 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

- However, while I certainly don't give the wedding ring thing much stock, if one looks at and gives weight to all things he's doing with OP, it looks pretty good.

What I would be most concern about in this is.... is he doing these things so that OP has no clue what is going on behind her back so that he can move all the pieces in his favor and royally screw over OP. I hate to be so cynical; however, this man is indeed engaged in an affair and investing family dollars into his OW and should not be given the benefit of the doubt. 

OP would rather bury her head in the sand because seeking knowledge and help on the matter (legal help) would mean that she would have accept that there is a real possibility that he may leave her, and she is not ready to do this. As a former BS whose husband was never planning to leave and was happy in our marriage, he still did a lot of underhanded and shady crap when I filed for divorce. Things I never would have thought him capable of. In OP's case, he has already started some shady practices.

[mark clemson]

^^ I agree that OP would probably be wise to "prepare for the worst" (potentially) and seeking knowledge and potential outside help would indeed be part of that. If they are in a joint property state, there's probably only so much he could do in terms of "shielding assets" from a divorce, but jurisdictions vary quite a bit so only a lawyer in her jurisdiction could help her with understanding that.

[Allupinnit]

I think the therapist probably doesn't have the entire picture regarding finances, family involvement, etc. and if we're going by appearances only then yes, it seems like he's a committed family man and Amanda is a distraction.  

Let's not start painting all religious counseling as quackery.  In fact I don't think I've ever been to a therapist who would have consulted me to divorce.  People go to counseling because they're trying to find a way THROUGH, not necessarily OUT.  

The fact is, though, that her H has not left and is going through the motions and if she didn't know about the OW she probably wouldn't have thought anything was wrong in the first place.  

I can't fault anyone for trying to keep their marriage intact at any cost.  I sure as hell wouldn't be pretending I didn't know about an affair, though.  How do you do it, OP?  How can you look at him and lay in bed with him at night knowing about this massive betrayal to your marriage and family without telling him??  Were you close before?  That isn't intimacy it is an act on both your parts.

[Indigo Night]

On 8/17/2021 at 10:24 AM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @Indigo Night She put a lot of emphasis on him still being in the home, the ring, etc. Just at yesterdays session, she emphasized how my husband still wants to be with me as yes he is still in the home and he could have made a decision not to do so but something seems to be hindering his process of this affair. That the affair could stem from something in his childhood or something else but the fact that he is still deciding to come home and be in the home. That he is deciding to still do things for me as his wife, he is committed to being my husband. 

My husband came home every night. He tucked our son into bed, and read him stories. He ate dinner with me. He attended family events. SO WHAT!!! HE WAS STILL CHEATING!

You know what he didn't want? To lose his @$$ in a divorce because we owned a business. It had NOTHING to do with being a good husband, or love. Nope. It was wanting his money, his mistress and his family. Sound familiar? Or are you not going to face reality, still?

Edited August 19, 2021 by Indigo Night

[Prudence V]

8 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Were you close before? 

Let’s look at the evidence, from OP’s own description:

On 6/20/2021 at 7:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically … My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago…

 

On 6/21/2021 at 5:38 PM, husbandcheating said:

IWe do not have sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but … I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

 

On 6/22/2021 at 3:51 AM, husbandcheating said:

he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". …I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her …I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

 

On 6/22/2021 at 4:40 AM, husbandcheating said:

I have seen text messages telling her I am his "roommate"… 

 

On 6/22/2021 at 7:11 AM, husbandcheating said:

he told me "You can get out of my house and I will buy you your own house"

 

On 6/23/2021 at 9:03 PM, husbandcheating said:

He doesn't mind the two youngest sleeping in our bed

 

On 7/12/2021 at 7:08 PM, husbandcheating said:

we have said numerous things in arguments, I have called him boring, complacent, selfish and while at the time he has been those things, its nothing to harp on, things are always said in arguments

 

On 7/12/2021 at 7:16 PM, husbandcheating said:

[elaine567]

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If they are in a joint property state,

They are not, she owns nothing. He owns the house along with his mother due to an inheritance, and the OP's name is not on the deeds.
The house has apparently never been a marital asset.

[mark clemson]

^^ Ok. There is the house and any other inherited assets, which she would presumably have no claim to. Then there is everything else earned during the many years of marriage (depending on how the jurisdiction looks at that). And spousal support, which also can vary.

She might do just fine in a divorce, by most standards, with or without the inherited house. Then again, if the laws in her jurisdiction allow for loopholes/ways to "protect" assets gained during the marriage and he has been actively shielding them, she might not.

But these would be questions best left to lawyers in her jurisdiction.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

there is everything else earned during the many years of marriage (depending on how the jurisdiction looks at that). And spousal support, which also can vary

I believe the husband is too smart to not have planned ahead for this. I suspect he has funneled much of the liquid assets into the business with his OW and/or into trust(s)/other entities which will be difficult to locate even with a PI and all the data warehousing that currently exists.

If he's extra, he'll also be 'unemployed' on paper (not knowing OP is already aware of his secret business) so he can reduce or eliminate alimony. Even if not, I had a friend who ended up getting only $1,000/month in alimony (no assets) in the divorce decree from her now ex-husband with whom they built a business together yielding $15k/month net. He kept all the equity in the business plus all the monthly cash flows. 

Lastly, husband would probably go for full custody or at least 50/50 based on OP's comments. 

The jurisdiction matters, but overall I don't think things look great for OP unless OP suddenly becomes a tigress and takes charge by turning the tables (not likely imo).

[mark clemson]

^^ you may well be right. Certainly things do not look good for OP if the marriage she hopes to stay in appears to be a coin toss, so I'm with you there. 🙂

If he tries to be "unemployed" and hide large-scale business assets that are 50% hers by right and there is court-admissible evidence of this, he might be in for the sh*tstorm of his life if/when a lawyer representing her finds out about it.

However, all this is hypothetical.

Edited August 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[introverted1]

My take is that the husband will likely do right by OP from a financial perspective.  After all, he previously offered to buy her a house if she would release him from the marriage.  My sense -- and obviously anything we hear is being filtered through OP's lens -- is that he is investing in his r/s with Amanda more than trying to hid assets from OP.  Assuming he gets 50/50 custody, which would be the norm unless there is substance abuse or similar, I don't think he will do anything to harm his children, directly or indirectly.

None of which is to say that I don't think OP should see a lawyer.  She absolutely should. All this time spent with her head in the sand is only allowing him more control over how the end plays out.  If she doesn't want to be a victim for another 4, 8, 12, forever years, she needs to take control of her life.  

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/19/2021 at 6:43 PM, mark clemson said:

 

If he tries to be "unemployed" and hide large-scale business assets that are 50% hers by right and there is court-admissible evidence of this, he might be in for the sh*tstorm of his life if/when a lawyer representing her finds out about it.

This is her one 'ace in the hole,' if only she would play it. 😩😉

[Meerah]

On 6/20/2021 at 6:23 PM, husbandcheating said:

He does not. I have been going back and forth with the idea of bringing it up because I do feel that this woman will eventually leave. He will break things off and focus on me and our family. But like I said, he hasn't missed anything, he always with us at family affairs, and is a great family man! 

If you want to save your marriage. Tell him. 

[SolG]

OP, while I obviously can't actually speak for Amanda, I really think you and she are both living in affairyland right now. Pick-me dancing flip sides of a coin affairyland no less.

You're all ensconced in your he-wears-his-ring and posts-on-facebook so he MUST love me despite being in a four-year affair world, and Amanda is probably ensconced in her oh-we-look-at-realestate and he says he's-only-staying-for-the-children so he MUST love me despite keeping me as a secret mistress for four years world.

You're both delusional if you think he's going to pick a solution that primarily benefits anyone other than himself. And frankly he gets the most benefit from stringing you both along for as long as he can without disruption. 

[tynkrbel]

1 hour ago, SolG said:

OP, while I obviously can't actually speak for Amanda, I really think you and she are both living in affairyland right now. Pick-me dancing flip sides of a coin affairyland no less.

You're all ensconced in your he-wears-his-ring and posts-on-facebook so he MUST love me despite being in a four-year affair world, and Amanda is probably ensconced in her oh-we-look-at-realestate and he says he's-only-staying-for-the-children so he MUST love me despite keeping me as a secret mistress for four years world.

You're both delusional if you think he's going to pick a solution that primarily benefits anyone other than himself. And frankly he gets the most benefit from stringing you both along for as long as he can without disruption. 

On 8/16/2021 at 11:06 AM, tynkrbel said:

SolG - VERY well said !! !! TOTALLY agree !! !!

 

[June14]

Hi HC

just wanted to mention that there was a story on Reddit written by a relative

the post had many similarities to your situation - the husband mentioned in the post has started a business with his affair partner and is waiting for the business to settle and bring in profit, the information was given to the relative by the Affair Partner. When confronted the husband confirmed that he would leave his wife after everything was put in place. The family ( siblings) of the husband know. 
the post had the same background information as this post from the husband / relative pov. There are too many similarities ( cheating father, real estate purchase, wife children details, sibling details etc etc)  for it to be coincidental.

please plan your exit - otherwise you will loose a lot

[Prudence V]

On 8/31/2021 at 12:27 PM, June14 said:

just wanted to mention that there was a story on Reddit written by a relative

I’m guessing the discussion has moved there…

[Taramere]

On 8/19/2021 at 2:27 PM, elaine567 said:

They are not, she owns nothing. He owns the house along with his mother due to an inheritance, and the OP's name is not on the deeds.
The house has apparently never been a marital asset.

Family law and the question of what is and what isn't a matrimonial asset can be complex.  

@husbandcheating it's vital that you make an appointment with a specialist in family (divorce) law in order to get proper advice.  I haven't looked through the whole thread, but it seems as though your husband may have been channeling matrimonial assets into a business arrangement with another woman and you really need to get ready to protect your position. 

I'm picking up that paying for an attorney is an issue - as it is for many people, particularly if they live in areas where legal aid isn't available.  That's a real problem for a lot of people.  We often, rightly, advise people to consult with professionals - but professionals tend to charge fees which people seeking free advice online can't always afford.  Working on a contingency basis (ie no win no fee) basis often isn't permissible for family lawyers on the basis that it can be unethical.  However, a family lawyer may be prepared to make an agreement where they hold off on claiming their fees until the matter is settled.  Which might sound like, but isn't the same as working on a contingency basis. 

A lot of lawyers will offer a free half hour or a low fixed rate initial appointment...so perhaps shop around and see who you can find who can do a deal like that for you. There may very well be a way around the not insubstantial issue of being unable to pay a lawyer's fees right now.  Find a local firm in your area who are proven (with genuine testimonials) in this area of work, and make enquiries as to what sort of fee payment arrangements they offer.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramere

[Indigo Night]

If the OP  cannot afford a lawyer, the court usually has a firm to fill out that would require the other side to post all legal fees, due to the financial hardship of the other spouse. You can usually call the county clerk to find out if this is an option.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

If the OP  cannot afford a lawyer, the court usually has a firm to fill out that would require the other side to post all legal fees, due to the financial hardship of the other spouse. You can usually call the county clerk to find out if this is an option.

I've never heard of this.  Here, the person with no money for legal costs would be given a lawyer who is employed by the state.  The OP would have to see what kind of arrangements are made in her jurisdiction.  

[Indigo Night]

Just now, basil67 said:

I've never heard of this.  Here, the person with no money for legal costs would be given a lawyer who is employed by the state.  The OP would have to see what kind of arrangements are made in her jurisdiction.  

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

[Crazelnut]

6 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

This is not available in all states in the US. They all have forms you can use to file on your own behalf, but who pays what is determined by state law. 

[Indigo Night]

11 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

When I filled for divorce, my husband (at the time) had more assets than I did. The court assigned all legal fees to him because of this. He had a lawyer. I did not. He had to pay all fees and costs for our divorce, by court mandate. All I had to do was full out a financial hardship paperwork, and file it with the county clerk.

 

The only way to find out is all. My sister did the same thing in her state, so several states offer it.

[Redpilled]

On 6/20/2021 at 7:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

I know we can't lump all Taurus' in one big group

That hurt my head to read

[husbandcheating]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you again for all of your responses and advice. I was going to therapy and have actually been to two different ones. 

An update. With the majority of our children being in extra curricular activities, we have been a very busy family. Our weekends are pretty tied up and I love that our children are so active. We are with each other every weekend all day as we have so many things to get accomplished within a weekend of 2 days. 

We even attended his cousin's wedding anniversary celebration last month-JUST THE TWO OF US! His cousin reached out to me to let me know the details and I set it up to where we would have a great night! He was excited to go and we had a really good time! Dancing, drinks, pictures, it was absolutely stunning and I finally felt like everything was going to be ok! I hadn't checked his phone or anything and really left everything up to fate.

The morning after our wonderful night, I checked his phone and saw that he had called her earlier that morning, his call log also had that he talks to her a lot I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. The day of the wedding celebration for his cousin on our night, he talked to her for hours with numerous text message exchanges up until the time we left our home! After a night of magic with his family, he calls her????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I even read a message from her saying "I do understand that you love me and I understand that you do not consider yesterday evening a date, but a duck quacks like a duck, it is a duck and we will always have that difference in our opinions, I think its a splendid evening on the town, you think of it as, people expect her to be there so she's there" (Yes I took a picture of this from my phone!) to add context as of my opinion,  I do consider that evening a date, how can you not???????????????????????????????????????? He asked her what can he do, and she told him, I am not making you do anything, you need to come to a conclusion about your own life and how you want to live it. 

Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????????????????????????????????????????????