Hopefulandinlove Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better. Im sorry it hurts so much. What have the therapists said? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 You need to get it into your head, that him spending time with you is not "magical" in his eyes. He is fulfilling his role, nothing more nothing less. You are projecting how you feel onto him, meanwhile he is spending time talking to her and trying to smooth the waters on her end. 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Her obviously, who else? Seems like she is looking for some sort of a decision from him, so I suggest you be prepared. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, husbandcheating said: Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" Clearly his feelings about her haven’t changed, even if you’ve been able to distract yourself with kids’ activities and extended family engagements. Have you broached your extreme levels of denial with your therapists? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 9 hours ago, husbandcheating said: He asked her what can he do, and she told him, I am not making you do anything, you need to come to a conclusion about your own life and how you want to live it. It sounds like she is basically saying, he needs to make a decision. And considering that every indication is that he is planning a future with this other woman, you had best prepare yourself for the day that he tells you he is leaving… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2021 Share Posted November 3, 2021 You better get your head out of the sand… he is about to screw you over and you just keep denying what’s real. it doesn’t matter if you went to a family gathering and had fun for a night with him. It doesn’t matter if you have weekends together as a family. he has his interest elsewhere and will get any free moment he has to focus on her. brace yourself to be divorced. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted November 3, 2021 Share Posted November 3, 2021 You need to understand that your weekends together with the kids, your couples trips, “dates”, and your pictures together mean nothing to him. He’s got a love affair on the side, and it appears that the OW is the person he wants to be with. She’s his person. For whatever reason (everybody has their own reasoning) he currently believes that staying put and maintaining the façade to you and the outside world is the better choice for the moment. It doesn’t mean that that’s what and where he wants to be. He just feels he has to. His actions (behind your back) speak louder than words. What he chooses to show you (for now) & say to you are the things he wants you to believe (again, for now). This means he is doing and saying things that are not in line with how he feels and/or with what his true intentions are. You know what he would do if he could. And he’s manipulating you for his own benefit (money, custody, … ??). The fact that you know more than he thinks should empower you to make the decision for him, instead of waiting around hoping he’ll change your mind. Nothing will change for the better if you keep reading his messages without confronting him. That’s just a waste of time. You already know what’s going on. No need to verify that over and over again - the time to do something about it has come. It actually came when you first found out about it. Don’t drag it out any further. You’ve tried that. They’re still together. Don’t let yourself be humiliated further. You may be surprised at his reaction, too. Who knows…..maybe that’s the wake up call he needs, the fear of losing you & the kids. If you do nothing, nothing will change. Don’t be a doormat. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2021 Share Posted November 3, 2021 Do you work? Do you earn enough money to support yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2021 Share Posted November 3, 2021 34 minutes ago, S2B said: Do you work? Do you earn enough money to support yourself? Yes she works, but lives in an expensive area so would struggle to maintain a reasonable standard of living on her wages. He owns the house (inheritance), she would have no claim on that. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 3, 2021 Share Posted November 3, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 8:34 AM, husbandcheating said: Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Unfortunately, you know exactly who he is talking about and he's not talking about you. It sounds like she is starting to give him ultimatums. Please prepare yourself for what is to come. Have you shared this information with your therapist? What is his/her opinion? I wish you would get mad about this and act accordingly. Otherwise, you are going to feel blindsided when he tells you he is leaving you for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 OP, I really believe this is all going to end badly, and the longer you allow this to go on, the worse its going to be. Your husbands sounds like he;s dong the bare minimum that he has to do to both keep the peace and keep up appearances, but he really doesn't want to be with you. He'd rather be with his ow, and every day he stays, his resentment towards you ( and maybe even his kids) for doing what he may perceive as keeping him trapped. If you won't start taking action now to protect yourself, do it to protect your kids. If I were you, I woudl very quietly and without letting him know, I would start getting my ducks n a row. Be cordial to him, and when you feel you have a plan in place, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with him in a sham marriage, or would you rather end it on your terms in a way that is easiest for your kids? You'll be able to make a decision from strength, not desperation because you have no other alternative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 @husbandcheating I was thinking about you and another poster out here who are both waiting on their men to make a decision. She's the OW, hoping her MM will leave his wife. You are the betrayed spouse, hoping your wayward husband will stay. I don't understand why women will settle for these "men" who are not giving them the respect they deserve. Well, actually, I do understand. I stayed with mine for 18 years after knowing he had cheated with my best friend. I now regret having wasted that much of my life on someone who did NOT deserve my time and attention. Had I left when I found out, my daughters would have been just fine. I would have been just fine. It was detrimental for all of us for me to stay and keep them in that situation for another 18 years. You've already spent so much time trying to convince yourself that your husband loves you and your family and that he's going to stay with you, while you KNOW he's with this other woman, taking money from YOUR family to invest in a future with HER. You see the messages to his brother, that he doesn't want to lose her (and you KNOW he's talking about HER, not you.) Honestly, you only get this one life. How much more of it are you going to WASTE with this lousy excuse of a man, who's planning to take you to the cleaners when he dumps you for his OW. For me, it took a breast cancer diagnosis to realize I was wasting my precious life on someone who did not deserve another minute of my time. Don't be me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 On 11/3/2021 at 12:57 PM, elaine567 said: Yes she works, but lives in an expensive area so would struggle to maintain a reasonable standard of living on her wages. He owns the house (inheritance), she would have no claim on that. Not necessarily, where I live it would become marital property after a number of years of the couple living and contributing to the marital home. May be worth double checking with a lawyer rather than just taking it on faith. Regarding the email to the brother, you know he's already told him he's in love with the OW and the only reason he won't leave is because he doesn't trust you with the children. I hate to say it but I think it's obvious who the email it's about and it isn't you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 It sounds as though the OW has had enough and is putting pressure on your husband to make a commitment to her. Will he? Maybe, maybe not. But even if he stays with you, your victory will be hollow. You will now have a man who is angry and resentful at having lost the "love of his life" in order to stay in the same house as his kids. Without the need to hide his affair, he will likely be far less inclined to play happy family with you, as he won't need that cover. Is that what you want? On 11/2/2021 at 8:34 AM, husbandcheating said: Then I see a message to his brother saying "I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life" WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??????????????????????????????????????????????????? It's obvious he is talking about the OW. He's in no danger of losing you. We know it. You know it. He knows it. Think about it: the only reason he is worried is because he doesn't fully have her. He has you and if he wanted you and only you, he wouldn't have been carrying on an affair that is now nearing 5 years! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 I'd message her and the brother and say you're completely aware of what is going on and that she's welcome to come gather him and that you'll be setting up the custody schedule 50/50 while you work out child support and alimony with your attorneys. That will either wake him up to what he is about to lose WITH YOU *or* you'll be finally taking back some control of your life rather than leaving it to your lying, cheating H and his mistress to decide FOR you which will only benefit THEM. Your option of hanging around hoping to be chosen will not serve you anymore. The facts are staring you in the face, but you can't be compliant in his cheating anymore. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 6:08 AM, Hopefulandinlove said: I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better. Im sorry it hurts so much. What have the therapists said? Thank you @Hopefulandinlove. The two therapist that I have had have pretty much said the same thing. The latest and recent therapist that I have and talk to said he is violating our marriage but he is still present and makes strides to continue to be my husband. That I should plan and get my ducts in a row as a secondary plan but she does not believe he wants to leave the marriage because he would have done so and his actions would most likely be crude against me. I know you all are tired of hearing this, but my husband still is a husband to me. He encourages me to build out my dreams, he supports me when I talk about work or family. He is there for me and our family. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 13 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: . He is there for me and our family. But for how much longer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 7:44 AM, elaine567 said: You need to get it into your head, that him spending time with you is not "magical" in his eyes. He is fulfilling his role, nothing more nothing less. You are projecting how you feel onto him, meanwhile he is spending time talking to her and trying to smooth the waters on her end. Her obviously, who else? Seems like she is looking for some sort of a decision from him, so I suggest you be prepared. Thank you @elaine567 for your response as always. Don't we all have roles to fulfill? I would expect him to fulfill his role as a father and a husband. Isn't this normal behavior? "Smooth the waters on her end"? I suppose I do not see it this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 8:31 AM, Prudence V said: Clearly his feelings about her haven’t changed, even if you’ve been able to distract yourself with kids’ activities and extended family engagements. Have you broached your extreme levels of denial with your therapists? @Prudence V Thank you. I would not call it distracting myself, I feel that I am just living my normal life just as the rest of my family. We are gearing up for the holidays at the lake and he has no hesitation to this. It is something we do every year and this year is no different. I am just typing this out loud here, but to me, she is a mere distraction versus real life. Real life is who you spend your days, nights, holidays and life with. I have told my therapists everything that I have said here. My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 2:57 PM, BaileyB said: It sounds like she is basically saying, he needs to make a decision. And considering that every indication is that he is planning a future with this other woman, you had best prepare yourself for the day that he tells you he is leaving… @BaileyB Thank you. I have looked of course into more of their text conversations. We are both back at work and no longer remote. I honestly do not know when he would have the time to even see her. And I don't see any indication of planning a future with her other than possibly just words I have read. How true is a future with someone if you are still at home loving your wife and children. I do understand what you are saying though. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 Are you actually prepared for him leaving you? Have you got your ducks in a row? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 10:25 PM, S2B said: You better get your head out of the sand… he is about to screw you over and you just keep denying what’s real. it doesn’t matter if you went to a family gathering and had fun for a night with him. It doesn’t matter if you have weekends together as a family. he has his interest elsewhere and will get any free moment he has to focus on her. brace yourself to be divorced. Thank you @S2B. "Any free moment that he has to focus on her" Definitely sounds like an after thought. You say it does not matter about our family gatherings, nights out together but when he has free time, is any better? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 30 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: How true is a future with someone if you are still at home loving your wife and children. How loving and true is a husband who is in an intimate relationship with another woman? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: How loving and true is a husband who is in an intimate relationship with another woman? For four long years... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 42 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. Your cousin is correct. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted November 12, 2021 Share Posted November 12, 2021 Op I can’t help but to ask again... What advice are you looking for here? Everyone has given you very solid advice backed up by years of experience as many of us have been through something similar. Yet you continue to believe “she’s just a distraction, he loves you...” You have seen the proof with your own eyes, yet believe only what you want to believe. I’m afraid no one can save you from yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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