My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[mark clemson]

If you're really ok with looking the other way, then, for you, it's a reasonable choice. Some significant % of marriages are look-the-other-way; not sure if it's 1% or 25% but they're certainly out there and common enough to be cliche.

However, as so many folks are suggesting, you still need to be prepared for the possibility that your husband one day suddenly leaves. There is a chance of this, probably not a high one, but it's definitely there. So get those ducks that were mentioned above in a row, just in case.

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone. I couldn't sleep, we have a really big weekend coming up, so I wanted to make sure I had everything ready to go before we begin our work day and it would be less to do when we all got home from school and work. As I was moving around, I heard my husband's musical sound, I went to turn it off (work email) and saw a calendar event that simply said "review babe's business proposal and look into celebratory dinner reservations" I immediately got flushed and deep dove back into his text messages. They still talk about their business, they exchange I love you's, exchange whereabouts even on weekends, he is telling her where we are when we are at family events, he even tells her when he is somewhere minor like the local coffee shop. A lot of the texts are unfinished but when I looked in his call log, he talks to her the majority of his day, one day I saw a total o 28 calls. This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

Someone above asked, what am I trying to gain here, it is still wisdome, advise and I suppose a place where I can say what I know and get perspectives on live events.

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

What do you mean?
You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

The texts are unfinished I guess because he then calls her or she calls him to finish the conversation.
Sounds like they are very close to me.
 

[Crazelnut]

Your therapist/counselor/whatever is doing you no favors. You should definitely go see a non-religious one! 

It makes me sad to see that you're still deep in denial. Woman, he literally tells another woman that he LOVES her. He calls her babe. He has literally said he is only staying with you out of obligation. Please wake up and get your ducks in a row before you get blindsided. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored.

Ho exactly do you draw this conclusion?

This is a sign of investment. It’s commitment. They speak regularly. One does not call 28 times a day out of boredom. One calls 28 times a day because they are in a relationship. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

If anything he is mired with his life, which is why he has another woman and he calls her 28 times a day… Happily married folk don’t do this. 

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My cousin now thinks I should get a therapist outside of the religious realm. 

Please do. If he/she is advising you based on keeping your marriage intact for the purpose of your religious beliefs, then you will not be prepared when/if he breaks his vows to you and leaving you hanging high and dry. I hope that makes sense. You need someone who is going to look out for YOUR best interests in this situation without the influence of religious beliefs.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

A lot of the texts are unfinished but when I looked in his call log, he talks to her the majority of his day, one day I saw a total o 28 calls. This is utterly ridiculous and he seems bored. As I write this, I am thinking about how sometimes he sits in the car before coming in the house and he is on the phone. This seems excessive and again out of boredom.

Please explain how you've come to the conclusion that 28 calls per day indicates "boredom??!!" He delays coming into your family/marital home to engage with you because he is sitting in the car talking to HER. I think you are placing your suspicions of "boredom" in the wrong place. He plays the game well, but it seems to me he gets his excitement fixes from her (going over business proposals and planning celebratory dinners) and just goes through the obligatory motions with you. I guess if you are okay with all of this, you can continue to claim victory because he comes home to you, spends his time with your family, and sleeps in your bed at night - until the night that he does not.

[Milly May June]

If you put half of your energy making a plan for yourself to protect your best interest instead of living in denail and convincing yourself that he is a swan among ducks you would be one step closer to breaking this codependancy you have with him. Nothing special about him at all. He is just a plain cheat and all that comes with that territory. Meaning he is leading you on future faking it big time worthy of an Oscar performance while you are in the biggest denial I have ever seen on boards like these. Your husband is a fake. Wake up!

[Allupinnit]

Ok then, he's bored.  Lots of bored married men cheat, you are right.  So why do you continue snooping on him and his GF?  Cheating isn't a deal breaker for you.  Let him have his fun, focus on your family.  This is your only option if you don't want to go crazy trying to police the other side of his double life.

[husbandcheating]

Thank you everyone. When I say "bored", I am referring to him being bored at work so he needs a distraction to call her that many of times.

This weekend was a busy one. We are still with my family, and I can say that today I know for a fact he has no contact with her. He has made it a point to leave his phone in the car. It is so busy today with so many of us in attendance, I can definitely say his attention has been on family hence him leaving his phone in his car. He has been so hands on today with our family and it reminds me of good things. I wasn't feeling good earlier and he was so attentive to me as well making sure I was ok to carry on with the day.

Some of you mention that he is "in a relationship" with her. In your relationships, do you see yourself not talking to "the love of your life"? Like I mentioned, I know for sure he has not made contact with her. He still includes me in every weekend plan, holiday plans, etc. I know I have said this before and because I am thinking it, I am going to say it again, I would not want to be her. She gets absolutely nothing. 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 5:11 AM, Crazelnut said:

Your therapist/counselor/whatever is doing you no favors. You should definitely go see a non-religious one! 

It makes me sad to see that you're still deep in denial. Woman, he literally tells another woman that he LOVES her. He calls her babe. He has literally said he is only staying with you out of obligation. Please wake up and get your ducks in a row before you get blindsided. 

Thank you @Crazelnut. I am looking into a non religious which I do not think is a good idea but I am looking.

Aren't words just that-words? Babe is just a word as well to me. But I do get the point you are making.

 

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 5:22 AM, BaileyB said:

Ho exactly do you draw this conclusion?

This is a sign of investment. It’s commitment. They speak regularly. One does not call 28 times a day out of boredom. One calls 28 times a day because they are in a relationship. 

Thank you @BaileyB boredom at work in which he is calling her 28 times a day. Calling someone is a sign of investment? What kind of relationship do you really have if you can't spend the holidays with the person you are in a relationship with. I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband. I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

[husbandcheating]

On 11/12/2021 at 7:25 AM, vla1120 said:

Please do. If he/she is advising you based on keeping your marriage intact for the purpose of your religious beliefs, then you will not be prepared when/if he breaks his vows to you and leaving you hanging high and dry. I hope that makes sense. You need someone who is going to look out for YOUR best interests in this situation without the influence of religious beliefs.

Thank you @vla1120

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

I realize that you believe that because he spent the weekend with you and left his phone in the car, you believe him to be a dedicated and loving husband - 

Your level of denial is impressive. 

[Noproblem]

Divorce and learn to support yourself. This guy stayed with you by obligation!

Set him free as he doesn't love you!

[NYAG]

On 11/12/2021 at 12:19 PM, elaine567 said:

What do you mean?
You think he is calling her up to 28 times a day due to boredom, you think he is bored with her?
Surely if he was  bored with her he would not be calling her or sharing details of his life with her...

The texts are unfinished I guess because he then calls her or she calls him to finish the conversation.
Sounds like they are very close to me.
 

I thought she meant bored with her not the OW.

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I thought she meant bored with her not the OW.

I doubt that.
According to the OP SHE as his wife, is the love of his life, the one he adores, the OW has merely outstayed her welcome...
The  bit she missed/ignored is that HE phoned the OW 28 times... he is the one initiating contact not the other way round.
The OP is deluding herself and is in massive denial, in order to be able to live with the betrayal and disrespect she is experiencing from her husband.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I would not want to be her. She gets absolutely nothing. 

That's true. Being the mistress is a lonely aimless and pointless place to be.

Keep in mind he's telling her divorce is imminent and you're a shrew you're like roommates and he's only staying for the kids. Those are standard lines cheating spouses use.

However knowing your husband is cheating isn't that great either. Yes you know where he is (most of the time) how you'll spend holidays and so on.

He may have to run a lot of "errands". That's when he can sneak off and contact her. That's why the phone is in the car.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being the mistress is a lonely aimless and pointless place to be.

Not so lonely when he is speaking to her on the phone up to 28 times a day... and that is not including the fact he is also making time to see her behind the OPs back.
Not so aimless or pointless  in this particular case either. They have a business together.

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

And I doubt your husband would call what he has with you a relationship, at least not a romantic one.

You have said a couple of times in this thread that you and your husband no longer have sex.  You prefer talking to physical intimacy.  Here's what I will tell you about that:  I can't think of a single man who would be happy or fulfilled in a sexless marriage.  Sex is the glue that binds and by taking sex off the table, you have essentially untethered your husband.  He's dutiful enough to remain in the marriage because he feels an obligation to his children, but it's quite clear that his romantic love is saved for Amanda. 

Leaving the phone in the car for a day means nothing. Perhaps Amanda told him she would be unavailable that day so he had no need to carry his phone with him.  You are imagining that he left it in the car because he wanted his focus to be on you. I have no idea why he left it in the car but I am nearly 100% certain his reason had nothing to do with you.

It's hard for me to understand how you are able to ignore what is happening right in front of you.  I wonder if it your inability to deal with real life that keeps your husband rooted.  You have said he would never leave his boys because he doesn't trust you to raise them.  Perhaps the refusal to see things as they are is part of why he feels he needs to stay.

In any case, you are playing a risky game, one where you believe that your husband's sense of duty will outweigh his desire for the romantic/sexual (aka adult) connection he has with Amanda.  At some point, she is going to force him to choose.  You are very confident that he is going to choose you, but many of us here are far less confident.  And, as has been mentioned before, even if he does choose you, he will be miserable, waiting out his time until your boys are old enough that he can leave.  Personally, I just wouldn't call that a relationship.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind he's telling her divorce is imminent and you're a shrew you're like roommates and he's only staying for the kids. Those are standard lines cheating spouses use.

In this case, it appears to be true.  OP has said she does not have sex with her husband, that she prefers talking to sex.  And he has made it clear in texts to his family that he would leave in a heartbeat if he could take the kids with him.  He offered to buy OP a house several years ago if she would go live in it and leave him with the kids.

If OP demonstrates the same lack of understanding about other issues in their life together as she has in this thread, this is one time where I don't blame the husband for stepping out.

[Pumpernickel]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband.

And…honest question: will you enjoy being with your husband during these events, knowing he’d rather be somewhere else? I’m really curious because I don’t understand: you know what he has been up to for almost half a decade, maybe longer, I mean you’re fully aware, but you can still look in his eyes, pretending you don’t know? How does that feel? Do you not feel any resentment at all? Do you still respect him despite all the hiding, lying and deceiving on his part? Or do you even feel relief? Relief that he hasn’t given you the boot yet, because there’s this protective shield between you that’s your boys? (No it’s not about you, and it’s probably not because he can’t let you go because he loves and adores you so much)

Or is it fear? Fear that if you take one wrong step, only just one, if you say one wrong word (that he might interpret as a mild accusation/confrontation), he would be gone?
 

How does all of that feel? I mean, it is just gut-wrenching to even imagine that any woman would live like that, put up with that. Because it’s a given that no self-respecting woman would do that. And if you’re not a self-respecting woman, your husband will not respect you either. And.It.Shows.

And even if you’re right, even if he really puts you first in your every-day-life, and even if it’s not just “for the kids” (and that’s a big if, obviously), how long will you be watching this in secret, without saying a word? Because, yeah, if you are okay with him having a second, parallel relationship, then there’s no problem, right? Don’t rock the boat! Is that it? ARE you indeed okay with his parallel, double life? If this is the case, why don’t you tell him then? Hey hubby, I know you’ve been dating and making all kinds of business and other plans with another woman. You seem to be really liking her a lot. I’m completely fine with that. Please continue, husband. ———- I mean that’s what he’s doing anyway, so why not just put it all on the table (with no confrontation). That way, the playing field will be more even. No more secrets. He’ll probably have some respect for you for speaking up and being proactive. 
(But yeah, I guess that’s not possible either, because that might give him an out. He’ll be like - well she knows now, no need to be secretive anymore. Everybody else knows too, including my brother, so let’s just get a divorce.)

So yeah unfortunately I think you’re very wrong in how you handle (or not handle) your situation. It’s like you don’t even have a life. You’re not in control of it anyway. Amanda controls your life, along with your husband. Is how I see it. It’s just all around sad. I wish you’d stand up for yourself. It’ll boost your ego, confidence and mental strength, and it’ll help your H respect you more, regardless of the end result. Seriously. Woman up!   
 

[elaine567]

I get the turning a blind eye, staying for the money and the kids, staying for the status and the lifestyle... etc. etc.
Keeping schtum to maintain the status quo... I get all of that.
Plenty woman have done that.
What I do not get here is the utter denial about what is really going on.
Self delusion Grade One.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

What kind of relationship do you really have if you can't spend the holidays with the person you are in a relationship with. I know what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I will be with my husband. I know what I am doing for Christmas as well, I will be with my husband. I just wouldn't call that a relationship. 

You are already aware that she is starting to give him ultimatums and pressuring him to leave you. I can hear him now, saying "I cannot leave now, during the holidays. I'll wait until after the holidays." It's a common theme. I remember my husband asking me to stay until after the holidays. Therefore, prepare yourself for the distinct possibility that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving and Christmas that you spend with your husband. 

What I really wonder is whether you will come out here and reveal when he has left you. I suspect you will be afraid of the many "I told you so's" that you might hear. However, I won't say I told you so. I will provide a sympathetic ear because I think it will be quite a shock to your system when/if he leaves you for her. You will need someone to lean on and to listen to you. I truly hope you have a support system near you.