Pumpernickel Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) @husbandcheating- To me it’s clear he wants to be w/somebody else, but he believes he can’t (yet). There is that. Focus on that. And her - she doesn’t seem distressed. She doesn’t feel left out. Whatever exciting things you think you do with him & offspring and/or extended family - she doesn’t know anything about all that. It won’t bother her. He doesn’t tell her. She might not even be interested. So no - she doesn’t feel like she’s got the short end of the stick. Maybe she’s content with the way it is. Maybe her not pressuring him and keeping him on a long leash, or no leash at all actually, is her calculated way of making sure he desires her even more. And quite frankly, it’s been working. And maybe it’s not even a cold calculation on her part. Maybe that’s just who she is. A free spirit who gets everything she needs out of this affair: a lover who showers her with love, sex and affection & an intelligent business partner. Win-win. My friendly warning to you is this: Do not focus on what you think she gets or doesn’t get from him, in order to use this false assumption as a benchmark to evaluate the quality of your marriage, and even worse, HIS feelings for her (or you). The fact that he spends a tenth of his time with her, and 9/10 of his time with you, does not make him a devoted husband who is (fully) present, does not make your marriage great & healthy, and doesn’t mean that he prefers you as a woman to her as a woman. Plain and simple. Stop assuming & start paying attention to what’s really going on. This man has desires that haven’t been fulfilled within your marriage & family bubble for YEARS. Edited December 10, 2021 by Pumpernickel 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 15 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: This man has extracurricular desires that haven’t been fulfilled within your marriage & family bubble for YEARS. FIFY Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 19 hours ago, husbandcheating said: As I mentioned before, my husband spent Thanksgiving with me and our family. We had a great time! We even had couple nights with all of our family that is our age and our perspective spouses/partners! Myself and the ladies planned this and he was there with bells on! He didn't miss a beat! Life is good! If this is true, why do you feel the need to convince a bunch of strangers on a message board that your husband loves you? 5 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Life is good! If this is true, why do you feel the need to convince a bunch of strangers on a message board that your husband loves you? I was also seeing the same thing… Coming to the thread once every few weeks or so just to tell everyone how committed he is to her. Op, it seems you need to convince yourself with these proclamations and prove to us he is dedicated to you and she is being strung along, but really, this is doing you absolutely no favors. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, LynneVicious said: I was also seeing the same thing… Coming to the thread once every few weeks or so just to tell everyone how committed he is to her. It’s predictable - after every holiday, ever few weeks she comes back to the board to tell everyone how they spent the holiday together, they were with family, he told me that he loves me and our family, “He was there with bells on. He didn’t miss a beat!” There is then a not so subtle dig - “What type of relationship do they really have? A lacking one. He spends most of his time with me, his wife. His children. His family. He definitely does not love her.” You then go on OP to recount their communications - dismissing the very fact that your husband is communicating with another woman is the very problem here… No, you seem to provide your own reassurance that he is committed to you and you want everyone to know it! You have clearly made your decision - you have accepted the situation and you are prepared to ride this out to the very end… Thats your decision, it’s your life. Perhaps defending your marriage with the people on this site gives you some sense of control - I don’t know why you do it. It makes no sense to me why you post when you are already clearly decided to accept this situation. Edited December 11, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted December 28, 2021 Author Share Posted December 28, 2021 Thank you everyone that has responded. Today I have been reading the thread from top to bottom. I think that I am starting to see what everyone has been saying but there is a part of me that thinks because my husband is still here, he wants to be with me.No one is putting a gun to his head making him stay with me. For the past four days, we have been at my family's cottage and he has been present of course doing everything that he has always done. He is always HERE when he is HERE, engaged in all of our family things. I did look at his phone Christmas night and saw that he had texted her a great holiday and that he and her were going to be together forever. With her response being the same and telling him to have a great holiday. I am tearing up as I write this as I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... but how is this possible when he lives with me, sleeps in the same bed with me and does every single family thing with me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Estes Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) 58 minutes ago, husbandcheating said: I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... but how is this possible when he lives with me, sleeps in the same bed with me and does every single family thing with me From what your husband wrote that to the other woman, at some point she will be his present, the one he sleeps with and does family things with, and you will be in the past. However, as many married guys do, they repeatedly lie to both women, telling the other woman to wait and he'll be with her some day, while also promising his wife he'll stop talking to and being with the other woman. Of course he's planning on continuing to be with both of them and has no plans to do anything differently. Why would he? Although your situation might be different. He might actually dump you for the other woman if you don't pull the plug first. Edited December 28, 2021 by Estes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 OP I think your fog about this situation is slowly lifting. That is a painful but a good thing for you. Please look into protecting yourself financially in case things go sour and make sure to save all documents about 'their bussines' (at least 25% of it is yours if it was paid for with marital assets assuming he invested half). If you want this situation to change you need to make that change. He is happy as a clam living with his kids, loyal and devoted wife appliance, does not need to worry about loosing half of your joint assets and paying you alimony or child support. He gets his side chick and romance on the side. Life for him is good NOW. But once 'their' bussiness takes off and there are no more kids to support and he drains your joint accounts he will start picking fights with you and make the marriage a problem. He will start saying that he needs space or he wants out. This will start happening once the youngest kid is close to being legal adult. He is making an exit plan. But the fool will soon realise that he has wasted energy since you have known all this time. The joke will be on him. Especially if you follow everyones advice here regarding how to protect yourself. Save all his texts. Save all the records about their bussiness and get hold of all your financial records. Keep it somewhere safe. You will need it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 12 hours ago, husbandcheating said: I don't understand how he really is here with our family and telling this woman how they will be together forever, not to mention the mentioning of their business and how the growth plans for it for the upcoming year. I am starting to feel like the other woman.... Maybe you don't understand as it is not something you could do, but he is not you and you are not him. Plenty people stay in "functional" marriages, whilst their "one true love" is elsewhere. Some are in affairs and some are just pining for their lost love... The gun to your husband's head is his kids, without them he would be long gone, sorry to say. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 22 hours ago, husbandcheating said: He is always HERE when he is HERE, engaged in all of our family things. I did look at his phone Christmas night and saw that he had texted her a great holiday and that he and her were going to be together forever. So, yes, he is physically present, but is he really there with you 100%? The messages he sent her indicate otherwise. If you are happy with the status quo, then simply keep going with things as they are. You do not have to convince us of anything. You're not willing to confront him because of the fear that might push him to take action for which you are not prepared. And so, be happy that he is at least physically present with your family, for the time being. Only you have the ability to let him know you are aware of his other woman - the "love of his life", and force his hand to make a decision between the two of you. Of course (again) you do not need to do that if you are content with the status quo. I DO hope you are making some preparations on the side to be able to take care of yourself financially should the day come when he asks you to leave HIS home. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 On 12/28/2021 at 12:15 AM, S2B said: Please get a full time job ASAP! Get yourself into a position of earning enough of your own money to support yourself. Because when the time comes for your H to make his move and be 100% with his OW you don’t want to be at the mercy of only his money (and all the decisions made by him due to his earned income). Bare minimum, start protecting YOUR future! Before getting a job, talk to an attorney. Getting a job prior to may affect the amount of money you can receive. So sometimes attorneys advise you hold off on this. There is seriously nothing holding you back from speaking to an attorney to know your rights and to protect yourself. Why haven't you taken this step yet? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
1Mind Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 I would like to suggest that you start working on your mind and racing thoughts. The mind is a peculiar thing. Your mind will begin to put your husband on a pedestal. Your mind will bring in all the past memories of great times. You need to be mindful and focus on what is happening now. You will also need to control anxiety. When we are confronted with painful situations like this it is common to become paralyzed. Sadly, you need to focus on what is actually happening and not constantly thinking of what was or what could have been. Make time for this or you will go crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 4 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Before getting a job, talk to an attorney. Getting a job prior to may affect the amount of money you can receive. So sometimes attorneys advise you hold off on this. There is seriously nothing holding you back from speaking to an attorney to know your rights and to protect yourself. Why haven't you taken this step yet? Seriously!! He's starting a BUSINESS with HER with YOUR MONEY! Money that belongs to your children's futures! I don't know how you can remain frozen in this inaction. Think of all the powerful women in history who enacted change; be like them and stand up for yourself and yours! You've got a hungry wolf at the door and rather than grabbing your proverbial shotgun you're hoping she just goes away! The problem is your husband keeps throwing delicious scraps at the wolf to keep it coming back, when it wants to DESTROY your family! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted December 30, 2021 Author Share Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) Thank you everyone for your responses. I do work full time, it is just my husband makes more than I. We live in a very expensive town and he has always handled all bills and my money has been my money. I have been fortunate to not have to pay car notes, house bills, etc. Speaking of money, and assets. She has sent screenshots of accounts, I don't know if these are just her accounts, but she has multiple accounts with her own children and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY. I have been just looking at him for the last couple of days trying to see something and I have no idea what that is. He really is present at home and at our events and we still laugh and have times as our family. I don't know what is happening with m mental state currently. I just catch myself staring at him often. Edited December 30, 2021 by husbandcheating 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sioned Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 1 hour ago, husbandcheating said: and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY. How does this not make you throw up with anger and horror? How? This woman is setting up bank accounts for YOUR children!!! While you are sitting back and letting it happen! Yes she cares about YOUR children - she seems to already see them as HER children! She is literally investing time and money in YOUR children - setting up a future for them without you- and you haven't even gotten angry yet! All you seem to care about is that your "husband" attends events with you and keeps up appearances. Are you really that shallow???? Blimey - I'm furious that a woman would go that far as to even dream of setting up accounts for children that are NOT her own, and I don't even know you! Your husband doesn't seem to talk to you about it because you show no interest in it. You are happy as long as you have the appearance of a happy family and can post on social. He really does seem to treat you like a puppy dog - as long as he pats you on the head and tells you you are a good doggy you are happy. He knows the kind of person you are, and he knows how very little you require of him to be happy and stay out of his way while he sets up a new life and gets the excitement and conversation he needs. Thats fine if that's what you want - but its clearly not what he wants - he wants a woman who has some Gumption and can talk to him and is interested in business and finance and insuring a financial future for his Children. And the other woman clearly has plans to support YOUR children and offer them something tasty when your husband finally makes his move. Please - get ANGRY. DO something. She has your husband and your money already - are you really going to sit back and do nothing while she takes your children too?????? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, husbandcheating said: She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. So much dialogue that I forget about. My husband years ago mentioned purchasing stock but we really did not talk about that type of thing any further. He pretty much keeps financial talks to himself. The odd thing about this all is that she seems like she cares about our children but this does not make me feel any better or OKAY. Hmm. I thought you said you didn't work earlier in the thread? At any rate, she certainly seems to be "invested" in things working out with him (pun intended). Assuming all of this is real, it's good you're aware of these accounts - consider getting the numbers, etc of all of them, in case of divorce so an accurate tally of what may be owed you can be made. A lot of it will depend on your state's laws and practices, but e.g. potentially any money she puts in an account with his name on it might be 1/4 yours, for example (1/4 of the balance at the time divorce is started, typically). And money she gives to a minor may be "fully vested" meaning she cannot take any of it back. So try to keep you eye on that ball as you make any other decisions about what to do. It's possible that IF you divorce you may wish to hire a forensic accountant to trace what happened (although they tend to be expensive to hire from what I understand). Overall, the fact that they are apparently sharing finances beyond what is business related is NOT a good sign IMO. Edited December 30, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 This is much more involved than imagined. It's pretty obvious they are laying all of the groundwork to be together and for her to be a stepmom to your kids. All I can say is at least it looks like she cares about your kids and wants the best for them; a lot of stepkids aren't so lucky. You both are living a lie, a facade. I'm sure you look like a nice family on social media and he enjoys appearing to be the perfect family man. But it's pretty clear he's going to leave you, it's just a matter of when. I think you're afraid to speak up because deep down you know faced with the ultimatum he's going to choose her. I'm so sorry; I know this is heartbreaking. It really is up to you to determine your future at this point because they're already determining theirs together. Are you going to allow them to steamroll you even further? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 15 hours ago, husbandcheating said: She has sent screenshots of accounts, I don't know if these are just her accounts, but she has multiple accounts with her own children and she had accounts named after all of our children as well. She created a brokerage account for my youngest. The conversation I saw this was when he was advising her on where to move money on two of the other accounts I saw named after their business. I have seen her advise him on stocks to invest in. You need to SAVE these screenshots and take them to a lawyer. So, finally, you are starting to look at him in a different light. This is way overdue. I'm glad you work full time and I hope you've been able to save a little nest egg for yourself because it really looks like you are going to need it for your future. If I were you, I would make it a priority to get screenshots of these accounts and financial conversations between them and have them in a file ready to present to a lawyer. He's hiding money from you. He's setting you up for a very disappointing fall from grace. I hope you take this seriously and talk to a lawyer. Otherwise, I suspect he's got all his ducks in a row so that when he blindsides you, he will leave you penniless and without a home to live in. Please, please see a lawyer. That doesn't automatically mean divorce, but it DOES mean you care enough about yourself to protect your assets (for both you and your children.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2021 Share Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, husbandcheating said: He really is present at home and at our events and we still laugh and have times as our family. You could assess your husband as a good, family man because he is engaged and involved in your family life - if he was not also engaged with another woman in a very serious way. The fact that he is engaged with another woman - emotionally, sexually, financially - negates/supersedes anything else. It’a like - you could asses a man as an intelligent, hard working man at work - a real team player. But let’s say he is also embezzling money from his employer. Once that fact is known, you can’t then determine that the man is a wonderful employee because he’s present, he works hard, and he is liked by his coworkers. Edited December 30, 2021 by BaileyB 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Justwary Posted January 2, 2022 Share Posted January 2, 2022 Ok, just came across this site and read your story. I do have a few questions. When you two got married, did you both vow to forsake all others? If you eventually purchase a house in both your names, couldn't your husband file for divorce and then he and his affair partner could live in the house that he inherited from his family? Could your husband be investing cash into the shared business with his mistress (and not putting his name on anything) so if he divorced, you can't touch the business because it's in Amanda's name only? Please, at the very least, gather all the evidence of the affair and keep it in a safe place (just in case). You will decide what you want to do, but please protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Justwary Posted January 2, 2022 Share Posted January 2, 2022 Ok, just came across this site and read your story. I do have a few questions. When you two got married, did you both vow to forsake all others? If you eventually purchase a house in both your names, couldn't your husband file for divorce and then he and his affair partner could live in the house that he inherited from his family? Could your husband be investing cash into the shared business with his mistress (and not putting his name on anything) so if he divorced, you can't touch the business because it's in Amanda's name only? Please, at the very least, gather all the evidence of the affair and keep it in a safe place (just in case). You will decide what you want to do, but please protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Justwary Posted January 2, 2022 Share Posted January 2, 2022 Please protect yourself. Save any/all evidence in a safe place just in case. He may be investing in the mutual business with just money so if he does divorce, it's in her name only. Also, he has the family house to fall back on if you and he do buy a new residence and he decides to divorce. Better safe than sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 On 12/30/2021 at 5:03 AM, husbandcheating said: I don't know what is happening with m mental state currently. I just catch myself staring at him often. Perhaps your blinkers are finally coming off, and you’re starting to see what’s afoot? Nothing that you’ve posted in your recent updates is reassuring - well, not about the state of and prognosis for your marriage. I imagine if Amanda is reading, she might find it reassuring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 Your 'husband' will be gone the minute he doesn't need you to facilitate a relationship with the children...so probably when the youngest is about 16 or so...definitely by the time they are all over 18. I'd be willing to bet serious money on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husbandcheating Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 Wanted to post an update. I know most of you are maybe tired of me but I honestly don’t have many to talk to as all of my friends are his friends wives and partners. Of course we have had an eventful couple of weeks with family and our children sports and athletic programs. Coincidentally we went out of town and so did Amanda for her children. The reason I found this out is that every morning we were out of town, my husband would go for a drive or sometimes throughout the day would be on the phone. I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her. I suppose they had a disagreement and he was begging her via message to see her. “Begging” is not an exaggeration either. He kept asking to see her and telling her she was the one he loved and more nonsense. For him to stoop so low to beg another woman to see het is beyond me. Why would he even carve out time on our family time out of town for someone who means peanuts? Of course I continuously ask this question but it’s only a conversation between myself. I’ve seen many of text messages but so can only imagine what actually is being said person to person. I have seen many messages to her telling her there is no escaping and that they are tied for life. They even have matching tattoos. I’m floored. But again, my husband does not miss a beat at home. He comes home, he doesn’t stay out late, he attends everything without refusal and we continue to do all things together. I still continue to look at him with so many questions! I have read other topics and the majority of things I see is others still telling others that men rarely end up with their affair partner but my thread, it seems a little different. Part of me is wondering are we salvageable. I do feel that he telling her he loves her are just words. Link to post Share on other sites
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