My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

. I learned that he was going to where she was staying and spending time with her . They even have matching tattoos. 

Is your husband aware that you know of his affair? How does he explain the tattoo?

[husbandcheating]

12 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

@husbandcheatingYour M is over. He places more importance on Amanda than he is on you and your family. It doesn’t matter if he is physically there or not. He obviously doesn’t wanna be there. He is just there because he has to.

 

He will end up with Amanda. And if not? What are you gonna do? Will you continue to be married to him not mentioning anything of what you know? I don’t think so - bc even if Amanda  breaks up with him (which is unlikely), you’re gonna be stuck with him and you will be stuck with him forever and you will know what you know and it will haunt you for eternity. So what is your choice?
 

Your choice is to speak up or to not speak up. Which one are you choosing? He’s not going to leave her. 

Thank you @Pumpernickel I don’t know understand why I haven’t said anything. It could be fear, I don’t want any conflict because of our children, I don’t know. Sometimes, I blame myself for even looking that day because I wouldn’t have known. Like I’ve mentioned, my husband is here. He’s not on the phone in the evening, we settle down as a family. We do everything as a family. That means the world to me because he is focused on what we have built together. And if he is focused on what we built together, in my head, this fly by night thing with Amanda will eventually go away. 
 

You mentioned “he’s not going to leave her”. This is similar to what he’s messaged her. 

[husbandcheating]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

How exactly do you plan to salvage your marriage when your husband is in a secret relationship with another woman? 

Seriously, he is sneaking away to call and see another woman - begging her to agree to talk/see him.  That’s not a man who is committed to his marriage. That’s a man who is committed to his affair partner. 

 

Because she doesn’t mean peanuts to him. She is a very important part of his life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. 

Thank you @BaileyB This may sound trivial, and again these are just my thoughts and questions that I need to get out. How important is she really in his life if they don’t talk at night ( he is settling down at home with us), if he isn’t going home to her at the end of long days, outings with our children uninterrupted. How “important” could one be? 

[husbandcheating]

9 hours ago, SouthernIslander said:

This is a very long time to know something this extreme and not mention it to your husband.  I think you need to tell him that you know about the affair and come to an agreement on an open marriage since that’s basically what this is and it will remove all this lying.

Seems that you’re more concerned about him leaving you then the cheating.  God knows, I don’t see how you have been able to hold onto this without saying something.  

Thank you @SouthernIslander I am still trying to understand why I haven’t spoken about it either. For the most part, our life is great. As mentioned, he is very present in our family. And of course I want her family to remain in tact. Our love story  I don’t feel is over so I guess I am waiting for this phase to end. 

[husbandcheating]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

Ahhhh, so now she is infringing on your family vacation time. 
why can’t you ask your own husband why he left for a drive every morning? Where he was going? When he would be back?

your marriage isn’t a close marriage. It’s a marriage that is for show and pretending.

there is no way you can be close with him when he is so so so closely knit with his OW.

im sorry, but the fact that you can’t and don’t just TALK to HIM about your concerns shows clearly that you two are not close.

sure, he pretends with you - he’s an A+ pretender! 

did you stop to wonder if maybe she was upset because maybe she’s pregnant? Maybe she is! 

either way - he’s willing to ruin YOUR vacation time to go see her each day!

your marriage is in shambles.

Thank you @S2B. When he would leave in the morning, he would tell us he was going for a drive before the day started. Pretty normal to me before I looked in his messages to see that he went for drives to her. 
 

I don’t believe that someone new could take away what we have. We have known each other over 20 years, been together since we were teenagers. That’s a bond that’s not easily broken. 
 

I know why she was upset and it is not pregnancy. 
 

I wouldn’t have known about his drive if I didn’t look. I don’t think he intentionally wanted to ruin anything. He wasn’t gone for extended periods of time, it is just I went looking yet again.

I don’t know why I haven’t confronted him yet, I wish I could answer this myself. So much I have read. 

[husbandcheating]

After my husband turned in for the night, after an hour of going back and forth with myself, I sat and read through their messages. I found out she’s made doctors appointments for him, traveled to the bank with him, helped him with very personal family business, work matters. He talks to her with our children in the car. She’s made him lunches for work. His call log is ridiculously inundated with her contact. HOW MUCH CAN ONE PERSON TALK TO ANOTHER??? This all makes me extremely mad but and I think I have mentioned this before, does any of this really matter? Because the times that matter, who he’s home with, who his evenings come down to, on the weekends he is with me, our family and extended family. And while I wouldn’t want to be me, I wouldn’t want to be her either. The moments she has with him are fleeting. 
 

How important can one be to someone if you can’t spend your last moments of the day with them. 
 

I can’t believe he trusts her with the things I have seen. Ridiculous. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

does any of this really matter?

Yes, of course it matters. You already know that. 

16 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I don’t know why I haven’t confronted him yet

It's quite simple: because then you would have to face reality and watch your marriage really collapse around you. 

Like people who ignore a growing lump on their body because they know, deep-down, the doctor is going to have bad news for them and they're not ready to deal with it. 

[husbandcheating]

Someone mentioned “he’s not leaving her.”

I have seen him say the same thing to her.

”I am never leaving you” 

“Our heart contract is forever binding”

”You have me forever and there is no exiting this journey regardless of the bumps along the way, I found my soulmate and our bond and chemistry, nothing compares”

This all sounds like a crock of bull! But hurtful nonetheless regardless if they are just words. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

Someone mentioned “he’s not leaving her.”

Does your husband know you know about his affair and monitor it?

Affairs are not 'either/or' they are' And'.

He has a life/marriage with you And an affair/sex/relationship with her.

[SouthernIslander]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @SouthernIslander I am still trying to understand why I haven’t spoken about it either. For the most part, our life is great. As mentioned, he is very present in our family. And of course I want her family to remain in tact. Our love story  I don’t feel is over so I guess I am waiting for this phase to end. 

To be honest,  its 1 of 2 things.  He either has deep feelings for her or he has the type of emotional connection with her that he does not have with you.  
 

From what I am reading, you love the image of a nuclear..but not him.  Love can be a very strong, volatile and protective emotion…which makes it impossible to sit on something like this for as long as you have .

I am not saying his cheating is your fault, the both of them are 1000% wrong for this..but I think you really need to take a deep dive on why you’re able to consistently read this level of betrayal and disrespect not say anything.  
 

Are you in therapy? 

 

[Pumpernickel]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your husband know you know about his affair and monitor it?

No, he certainly doesn’t. She won’t tell him, and he hasn’t figured it out yet (read through the thread, it’s all there). He also isn’t too careful with his phone, it seems. He acts like he almost wants to get caught & be confronted, and I also kind of understand why. 

The M is hanging by a thread. As soon as somebody (him or her) says something, the whole thing will blow up. 
Also - I remember reading somewhere that they have no sex life. I can’t find the relevant post(s) right now, but if this is the case, he most certainly feels very disconnected from @husbandcheatingwhich in turn will solidify the affair relationship even more. The A will not run its course, it will always be there. And sooner or later, the A will turn into the main relationship, and if I look at the situation, the decision-making & the timing will be in Amanda’s hands at the end of the day. She holds all the cards. 
 

I will never understand how anybody can be that passive about their life. It’s your life. Why aren’t you proactive about it? Things are already bad enough. Whatever you do proactively, @husbandcheating, it’ll make things better. 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[Allupinnit]

Stop snooping.  You're only making yourself miserable.  She *could* theoretically be gone from your marriage if you just ignore it.

Look, you've already convinced yourself that he'll stay with you because your marriage holds more weight to him than an affair.  So let him have his fun.  I've said this before but if you have no interest in sex with him, she's probably propping up your marriage, giving him things he doesn't get from you.  You have the kids and the family life, she gives him the sex and intellectual stimulation.  He's got it pretty damn good especially because you both know about each other but refuse to leave his sorry ass.

[introverted1]

 

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

After my husband turned in for the night, after an hour of going back and forth with myself, I sat and read through their messages. I found out she’s made doctors appointments for him, traveled to the bank with him, helped him with very personal family business, work matters. He talks to her with our children in the car. She’s made him lunches for work. His call log is ridiculously inundated with her contact. HOW MUCH CAN ONE PERSON TALK TO ANOTHER??? This all makes me extremely mad but and I think I have mentioned this before, does any of this really matter? Because the times that matter, who he’s home with, who his evenings come down to, on the weekends he is with me, our family and extended family. And while I wouldn’t want to be me, I wouldn’t want to be her either. The moments she has with him are fleeting. 
 

How important can one be to someone if you can’t spend your last moments of the day with them. 
 

I can’t believe he trusts her with the things I have seen. Ridiculous. 

HC, what I think you are not considering is that your husband has two very different relationships with you and Amanda. 

With you, he possibly has what is called companionate love.  He values you as the mother of his children and he values the idea of an intact family. This satisfies the part of him that loves his children and is concerned with responsibility and duty.

With Amanda, he has what is called romantic love.  They have passion between them, they have sex.  For men, this is crucial; I do not think men can love a woman romantically unless they are also having a physical relationship with her.  You have stated that you are your husband no longer have sex, that you prefer talking in the evenings over any sort of physical intimacy.

I do not think your marriage is salvageable for the fact that it seems your husband married you only because you were pregnant and this is not his first affair, although it appears to be his longest lasting. Either he does not see you as his romantic partner or he is man incapable of being faithful.  My money is on the former.

I can't speak for anyone else here but the reason I think your husband will ultimately leave you is that he needs romantic love and physical intimacy.  These are essential for most people.  I understand from what you have written that they are not essential for you, but in this respect you and your husband are mismatched.  As your children get older and need less and less daily attention from your husband, he will feel he has been dutiful enough and that's when he will leave to find his own fulfillment.

The reason men typically do not leave is because the AP is usually an addition to the wife, not a replacement for her.  Those men are still having a sexual/intimate relationship with their wives, so when the proverbial s*** hits the fan, they usually decide to stay put and work on the marriage.  In your case, though, there really is no marriage to work on: you and your husband are both focused on raising your boys but you are not focused on each other.  You do not share the emotional or physical intimacy that is the glue for a marriage.  The mere fact that you found out about your husband's and Amanda's matching tattoos from text messages, rather than observing it on his body, speaks volumes.

I get the sense from what you've written that you do not see sex as important, so perhaps this is part of why you are unable to understand the bond that exists between your husband and Amanda. It may also explain why you are content with the fact that he shows up -- at dinner, on vacation, at family events, etc. -- and see this as a measure of commitment and devotion rather than what I'm guessing he'd see it as - duty and obligation.  You think Amanda is unimportant because your husband doesn't spend the last minutes of the day with her. I bet she thinks you are unimportant because she has shared deep emotional and physical intimacy with him, and knows him in ways you don't even know exist. 

I think you really need to get into therapy with someone who is trained in affair counseling and who can help you see things as they are, not as you wish them to be.  Either your current therapist is remiss in how she is guiding you, or perhaps you have not been honest with her about the nature of your husband's affair.  Carrying on reading your husband's text exchanges is only going to eat you alive.

[husbandcheating]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your husband aware that you know of his affair? How does he explain the tattoo?

@Wiseman2 he has not explained the tattoo. He does not know I am aware of her. 

[husbandcheating]

7 hours ago, SouthernIslander said:

To be honest,  its 1 of 2 things.  He either has deep feelings for her or he has the type of emotional connection with her that he does not have with you.  
 

From what I am reading, you love the image of a nuclear..but not him.  Love can be a very strong, volatile and protective emotion…which makes it impossible to sit on something like this for as long as you have .

I am not saying his cheating is your fault, the both of them are 1000% wrong for this..but I think you really need to take a deep dive on why you’re able to consistently read this level of betrayal and disrespect not say anything.  
 

Are you in therapy? 

 

@SouthernIslander I’ve loved him since we were teenagers. Our love story to me is one that most wish they had. It’s very hard for me to know this information but I also have a hard time thinking about even bringing this up to him as I do believe this will subside. This is just another chapter in our story that I feel will be done quickly. It’s very hard and hard to understand why is he even doing these things. 
 

I am in therapy. 

[husbandcheating]

7 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

No, he certainly doesn’t. She won’t tell him, and he hasn’t figured it out yet (read through the thread, it’s all there). He also isn’t too careful with his phone, it seems. He acts like he almost wants to get caught & be confronted, and I also kind of understand why. 

The M is hanging by a thread. As soon as somebody (him or her) says something, the whole thing will blow up. 
Also - I remember reading somewhere that they have no sex life. I can’t find the relevant post(s) right now, but if this is the case, he most certainly feels very disconnected from @husbandcheatingwhich in turn will solidify the affair relationship even more. The A will not run its course, it will always be there. And sooner or later, the A will turn into the main relationship, and if I look at the situation, the decision-making & the timing will be in Amanda’s hands at the end of the day. She holds all the cards. 
 

I will never understand how anybody can be that passive about their life. It’s your life. Why aren’t you proactive about it? Things are already bad enough. Whatever you do proactively, @husbandcheating, it’ll make things better. 

Thank you @Pumpernickel. I did initiate sex last week and he obliged. To me we had a great time! 
 

how can an affair turn into the primary relationship? This reminds me of something he messaged her. 

[husbandcheating]

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Stop snooping.  You're only making yourself miserable.  She *could* theoretically be gone from your marriage if you just ignore it.

Look, you've already convinced yourself that he'll stay with you because your marriage holds more weight to him than an affair.  So let him have his fun.  I've said this before but if you have no interest in sex with him, she's probably propping up your marriage, giving him things he doesn't get from you.  You have the kids and the family life, she gives him the sex and intellectual stimulation.  He's got it pretty damn good especially because you both know about each other but refuse to leave his sorry ass.

Thank you @Allupinnit

[husbandcheating]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

HC, what I think you are not considering is that your husband has two very different relationships with you and Amanda. 

With you, he possibly has what is called companionate love.  He values you as the mother of his children and he values the idea of an intact family. This satisfies the part of him that loves his children and is concerned with responsibility and duty.

With Amanda, he has what is called romantic love.  They have passion between them, they have sex.  For men, this is crucial; I do not think men can love a woman romantically unless they are also having a physical relationship with her.  You have stated that you are your husband no longer have sex, that you prefer talking in the evenings over any sort of physical intimacy.

I do not think your marriage is salvageable for the fact that it seems your husband married you only because you were pregnant and this is not his first affair, although it appears to be his longest lasting. Either he does not see you as his romantic partner or he is man incapable of being faithful.  My money is on the former.

I can't speak for anyone else here but the reason I think your husband will ultimately leave you is that he needs romantic love and physical intimacy.  These are essential for most people.  I understand from what you have written that they are not essential for you, but in this respect you and your husband are mismatched.  As your children get older and need less and less daily attention from your husband, he will feel he has been dutiful enough and that's when he will leave to find his own fulfillment.

The reason men typically do not leave is because the AP is usually an addition to the wife, not a replacement for her.  Those men are still having a sexual/intimate relationship with their wives, so when the proverbial s*** hits the fan, they usually decide to stay put and work on the marriage.  In your case, though, there really is no marriage to work on: you and your husband are both focused on raising your boys but you are not focused on each other.  You do not share the emotional or physical intimacy that is the glue for a marriage.  The mere fact that you found out about your husband's and Amanda's matching tattoos from text messages, rather than observing it on his body, speaks volumes.

I get the sense from what you've written that you do not see sex as important, so perhaps this is part of why you are unable to understand the bond that exists between your husband and Amanda. It may also explain why you are content with the fact that he shows up -- at dinner, on vacation, at family events, etc. -- and see this as a measure of commitment and devotion rather than what I'm guessing he'd see it as - duty and obligation.  You think Amanda is unimportant because your husband doesn't spend the last minutes of the day with her. I bet she thinks you are unimportant because she has shared deep emotional and physical intimacy with him, and knows him in ways you don't even know exist. 

I think you really need to get into therapy with someone who is trained in affair counseling and who can help you see things as they are, not as you wish them to be.  Either your current therapist is remiss in how she is guiding you, or perhaps you have not been honest with her about the nature of your husband's affair.  Carrying on reading your husband's text exchanges is only going to eat you alive.

Thank you @introverted1 “he doesn’t see you as a romantic partner” this is hurtful to see as he’s said something similar to her. This is also confusing as if I kiss him, he kisses me back or if I plan a date with others, he’s there happily. If he doesn’t see me as his romantic partner then why would he go things romantic with me. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m sure he will take me out or buy a gift as he’s always done! This is considered a romantic holiday for romantic partners. 
 

I do feel like she is unimportant due to the moments and time she does not receive. If she were the one he wanted, he would be with her. In your opinion, don’t you think this amounts to something?

I know I am not well educated on affairs and that’s why I do read many posts here but again it’s so confusing to 96% of the time seeing most telling other women “he doesn’t love you, he’s using you for sex, he’s a typical  cheater” but my husband is eventually maybe in a year or a couple of years he will leave you for her, and he doesn’t plan on leaving her. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

This all makes me extremely mad but and I think I have mentioned this before, does any of this really matter? Because the times that matter, who he’s home with, who his evenings come down to, on the weekends he is with me, our family and extended family.

He talks to his affair partner with your children in the car and you say - how much does this really matter? As long as he brings the children home and we spend the evening together as a family…

Thata really the bottom line for you, it doesn’t matter what he does - as long as he comes home to you.

 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

If he doesn’t see me as his romantic partner then why would he go things romantic with me. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m sure he will take me out or buy a gift as he’s always done! This is considered a romantic holiday for romantic partners. 

I’m sure your husband will do the same AND have sex with his affair partner. 

[ilikept]

This isn't an affair.    It is for all practical purposes a  polygamist marriage.   

Both women are aware of this and are consenting to it.   

Oh Husbandcheating claims she doesn't like it,  but neither has she lifted a finger to do anything about it for many months on end, so by deed she is consenting.   

The OW obviously knows of Husbandcheating and yet she continues to participate and build their relationship as well so she is also consenting of this arrangement.    

And finally,  the MM in this has not done anything to effect the status quo of this arrangement either so this is all consenting adults in a nontraditional lifestyle.  

My advice for the OP in this matter is at least prepare yourself for a day when the OW tells him she is no longer ok with this and wants him to leave.   

Do you have a job?   Can you support yourself if he leaves?    (I'm going to assume no )     

You need to have your financial and child custody affairs in order to where if he packs up and moves out without warning one day,  you are able to secure your rightful share of the marital assets and access to your children.  

Everything is going along fine at the moment but that can change on a dime.  He could decide this week that he no longer wants to live with you and he will be moved out and living with her by the end of the week.  

 

 

 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ilikept

[jspice]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

@SouthernIslander I’ve loved him since we were teenagers. Our love story to me is one that most wish they had. 

No. This is not a love story, and certainly not one I wish I had. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find many people here who would be content with “ he comes home to me and he’s going to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift”. 
 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, ilikept said:

This isn't an affair.    It is for all practical purposes a  polygamist marriage.   

Both women are aware of this and are consenting to it.   

That’s not untrue. 

Both women serve very different purposes. Two very different relationships.

Edited January 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[ilikept]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s not untrue. 

Both women serve very different purposes. Two very different relationships.

And he is also providing each woman with what she wants to the degree for which they are each content.   This is essentially a consensual triad that so far is working for everyone and everyone is coming away at least the minimum that each requires to maintain the status quo.  

[heartwhole2]

HC, all I can say is that the one thing you want -- a monogamous relationship with your husband -- isn't on offer. You can twist the evidence to suggest that maybe someday he'll tire of Amanda, but it takes a lot of mental gymnastics. The simplest explanation is that he is committed to Amanda but doesn't want to spend time away from his children (remember, he even offered to have full custody of them). That's why he is staying. That's why he is keeping up appearances.

I honestly can't understand how you are fine with a relationship where he's faking it. A relationship is a two way street; you know his side is all acting and appearances. You deserve more! You deserve someone who can't stand to be away from you. You keep saying you are happy enough with what he gives you, that if he gives you a gift for Valentine's Day you will feel special. Girlfriend, that's not romance. That's not love. That's placating you.

We can't make you get angry and demand more, but I think I can say that universally, everyone who reads your thread wishes that you would.

Think of Prince Charles. He was told he couldn't marry Camilla. He had an affair with her for years. Eventually he married her. Yes, most affairs are based on nothing. Most don't turn into long-lasting in the real world. But a small number do. Princess Diana decided she'd had enough. I hope you will too.

Edited January 24, 2022 by heartwhole2