My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

My husband doesn’t like conflict

You answered your question below with this comment^^^^

3 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

How can one be committed to someone when he chooses not to be with them everyday or weekends, holidays, special moments. That is not a commitment. My husband has me, his wife and not just in name. I understand what you are conveying about everything as you said he keeps up appearances but even in our home, he shows up. When there are no appearances to be made. And if he was so committed to her, then why does he try so hard to hide it? It was a miracle that I knew his passcode,  am not one to snoop and he is quite aware of this. If he was so committed to Amanda, why move in secret? 

It seems your husband knows that DDay is going to be very emotional and turbulent and he is afraid to upset the apple cart. Right now, he's content to keep up appearances with his family and friends and keep Amanda on the back burner, as long as she is content to be kept on the back burner. I really wish I knew what that argument was that he had with Amanda. You seem to think Amanda put pressure on him to get matching tattoos. Do you also think Amanda pressured him to invest YOUR family money into her business? If that is the case, it doesn't look like he is able to say "no" to Amanda. How long before she starts putting pressure on him to leave you? 

You keep telling us that he comes home to you every night. He keeps up appearances with family functions and does not miss a beat at home. You are ignoring the fact that there is a whole other woman to whom he has also committed himself in ways that most MM do not commit (tattoos, investing money together, looking at purchasing a home, etc.)

How do you reconcile the fact that he has this other secret life on the side with a woman with whom he has shared the permanancy of a tattoo, and also has invested money (that he says is for THEIR future) in her business? More importantly, how long are you willing to wait for the other shoe to drop? Will you be prepared for what comes (by talking to a lawyer and keeping track of the money he invests in her business?) Right now, you seem to think that, as long as you keep quiet, he will continue to come home to you at night. What if she decides to stop being quiet about getting the leftovers? What happens when she demands to be the number one woman in his life? 

Right now, you are not in control of anything. You are at his mercy and you are at her mercy. They have more control over your life than you do. I guess I just don't understand why #1 - you put up with his philandering cheating and taking money out of the mouths of your children to invest in her business, and #2 - you're willing to sit by and wait to see what happens with the hope that he'll just keep coming home every night.

Please, protect yourself by seeing a lawyer. Make sure you keep all those screen shots of accounts. Understand that he is investing money with HER, taking money out of your household, and he is doing this so that you cannot lay claim to his assets that he is putting in HER name. DDay is coming. No one knows when. But you would be well advised to start putting your own money away and saving for the day that he pulls the rug out from under you. If he ends up staying with you, great. You got what you wanted (though he's no prize, in my opinion.)

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@heartwhole2 I am extremely upset about the tattoos. Very hurtful. But my husband has many tattoos and that can be covered up. My husband doesn’t like conflict so maybe he did it because she did it, I do not know but I am very angry. It’s a complete act of foolishness to me. 

Do you have a matching tattoo?

[mark clemson]

^^  right - it's not an act of foolishness, it's an act of bonding and suggests commitment.

Maybe it's just to placate her while he continues to dilly-dally about actually moving out/committing to her and that's never going to actually happen.

Maybe it's more preparation for openly divorcing you and "choosing her" and it's going to happen.

There's no way to know for certain, but (as people have said in this thread time and time again) you really better be prepared for the quite possible worst-case scenarios here...

Edited January 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

He’s the type that avoids conflict - and so are you. It could continue this way forever.

but within your M there is so much resentment and no way for you to feel safe.

those are some pretty big issues in your M. Even one will kill a marriage but all of those together? 

this may appear to be a decent marriage but on the inside it’s just for show.

at the core of the union you have nothing significant to say this is a good marriage.

[Amethyst68]

On 1/26/2022 at 12:26 PM, husbandcheating said:

Thank you @heartwhole2. You mentioned “he’s committed to Amanda”. I don’t understand the logic behind this statement.  How can one be committed to someone when he chooses not to be with them everyday or weekends, holidays, special moments. That is not a commitment. My husband has me, his wife and not just in name. I understand what you are conveying about everything as you said he keeps up appearances but even in our home, he shows up. When there are no appearances to be made. And if he was so committed to her, then why does he try so hard to hide it? It was a miracle that I knew his passcode,  am not one to snoop and he is quite aware of this. If he was so committed to Amanda, why move in secret? 

You insist he's committed to you but everything you've shared shows he's committed to your children. Everything else is just assuring he's not rocking the boat.

Your husband may leave, he may not. One thing is he has committed to Amanda. The man's a business partner with her, that's expenditure of marital assets (and possibly profit) you know nothing about. 

Ask him about the tattoo, maybe suggest being matching ones to see what he says? 

[Prudence V]

On 1/26/2022 at 12:11 PM, husbandcheating said:

I guess what I am asking, doesn’t him coming home to us mean something? Hold any importance?

To you more than to him, clearly. You’re seeing it as “he’s where he really wants to be. If he wanted to be with her, he would.”  But then, later on, you tell us that he is conflict avoidant (as an explanation for his matching tattoo). I’m not sure how you see that behaviour as being consistent with conflic-avoidance. Something permanent and visible like a tattoo isn’t something most conflict-avoidant people would take on - it’s bound to provoke conflict, rather than avoid it. 
 

OTOH, initiating a conversation about dumping a BW? Not something many conflict-avoidant men relish, especially if (as he’s probably been advised, either by friends or by legal professionals) that means he’s likely to have to share custody of his kids with the BW. He’s already told you he wants to have sole custody of the kids, that he doesn’t trust you as a mother - you’ve reported this on this thread - and so leaving them potentially 50% of the time with you isn’t something he’s wanting to provoke. He’s hoping that if he bides his time and plays nice, acts the devoted husband - which is likely what he sees “coming home to you” as meaning - you won’t suspect and kick him out, and he can carry on having 100% of the kids until they’re old enough for leaving to be a workable prospect. 
 

Please don’t fool yourself over this. Be prepared for if / when this blow is going to descend. It’s clear to everyone but you (and your “therapist”, who I seriously have doubts about) that this is the agenda, and you need to be ready. Are you prepared to have to move somewhere less desirable, that’s affordable on your salary, when he moves Amanda into his house? If he has the kids at least 50% (or if they’re grown at that point) he will not have to pay you any child support, and you’re likely going to have to make do on your own salary - have you planned for that? 
 

 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Something permanent and visible like a tattoo isn’t something most conflict-avoidant people would take on - it’s bound to provoke conflict, rather than avoid it. 

Or he knows OP well enough to know that she is not going to ask about it.  They both know it's not in her best interest to rock the boat:  she has her standing in the community, imagined love story, comfortable lifestyle, and full-time access to her boys all on the line. 

He's figured our that she can be placated with his physical presence at key events, even if his heart and mind are elsewhere.

@husbandcheating You ask the same questions over and over, and after you've followed up with one poster (and presumably get an answer you don't like), you then switch to someone else.  This thread is now on page 39 and there has been near-universal consensus that your husband does not have a romantic relationship with you, and that he is waiting until the time is right to leave and start a new life with Amanda.  You keep saying "but he does this" or "but he came to such-and-such event" or "we danced at a wedding" but NO ONE is seeing those things as anything more than appeasement. 

I think your choices are to keep looking the other way, and hope that your husband will be content to remain married to you with Amanda on the side; OR start proactively getting ready for his exit.  My money is on the former and, to that end, I'd be moving forward with the latter.  At a minimum, you should find out what your rights and options are; better to be prepared and not need it than to be blind-sided.

Edited January 28, 2022 by introverted1

[husbandcheating]

On 1/23/2022 at 6:11 PM, introverted1 said:

Hi HC, I've numbered your questions to make it easier to reply.

1.  You keep ignoring the elephant in the room, which is that you are not having sex with your husband, seemingly by your choice.  This is an implicit part of being his romantic partner.  I don't know when you stopped being intimate with him, but I can tell you that he values the physical intimacy Amanda provides far more than the card and/or dinner out he will have with you. With you, I believe he is going through the motions - following the "dutiful husband" playbook, so to speak. These gestures are not romantic in and of themselves; they are romantic when the feelings behind them are in alignment.  I think your husband has figured out that as long as he plays the role of a devoted husband - buys you presents, goes on holiday, gives you a flowery card -- he can put you off the scent of his affair.  And, to some extent he is right.  You seem to value these surface gestures more than the deep intimacy one would expect between two people who loved one another and were committed to a lifetime together.

2.  He is with her in spirit, thought, and emotion.  And he is with her physically to the extent that he feels able. You have mentioned that he offered to buy you a house to live in if you would leave, and leave the children with him. You have also shared that he does not believe the children should have only you in their lives as a fulltime care-giver. It is quite clear that he stays for the children, whom he has decided need his daily presence in their lives. He is not with you out of love.  I do not say that to be harsh.  It is just a reality of the situation.

3. Your marriage is not a statistics problem.  Just because 90% of the men in affairs don't leave, doesn't mean your marriage is in that 90%.  Your husband has taken extraordinary steps with Amanda -- commingling finances, starting a business, setting up accounts for your children, involving her in his doctor's appointments, getting a matching tattoo with her. These are not things the 90% of men who don't leave are doing.  Your husband's pattern suggests a real and lasting commitment to Amanda. So it doesn't matter how many threads here end up with husbands not leaving; your situation is your own unique situation and has to be evaluated against the actions your husband is taking.  And the consensus is that, when he feels the time is right, he will leave. If I had to guess, he is getting closer and closer to that point.  He's now escalated to having Amanda take a vacation in the same location where you and he are, so that he can visit her every day.  Either you were oblivious to this previously, or this is new.  If the latter, it suggests that his tolerance for being away from her is diminishing. Or perhaps she is pressuring him to leave.  Either way, I do not see you being the victor in this situation.  And even if by some miracle you were, what would you win?  The presence of a man whose heart is elsewhere and who now resents you for the fact that he can no longer be with the woman he loves.

For your own sake and the sake of your children (what on earth are they thinking when he's talking to Amanda from the car?!) you need to acknowledge that your husband is not committed to you.  He may be committed to his children and doesn't want to rock the boat until he's prepared his exit (and this is why he plays along as the dutiful husband), but he is nothing more than an actor playing a role when he is with you.  It would really be in your best interests to 1) get a realistic therapist and 2) speak to a lawyer.

 

Thank you very much @introverted1 for this. I have read this over and over again for the past couple of days. Again, thank you for taking your time to respond to me.

1. Sex has never been too important to me but I knew it was important for a relationship to thrive. When we got married, our sex life changed, well even before that, I partaked but I am really not too passionate about it, I like it but I dont want to spend too much time doing that. Our children are years apart in age and I suppose that illustrates my desire for sex. To me, there is so much more, memories, events, trips and vacations, that build up our relationship. Sex used to be something he would bring up, but that stopped years ago. You mentioned "he can put you off the scent of his affair", if he didn't some sort put some significance on our marriage, wouldnt this be null and void? Why appease someone you don't want to be with? Or value someone so much more in a relationship? I love my husband, I love our family and what we have built.

2. It seems like he is not with her out of love neither. If the love between two strangers were so prevalent, they would be "together"

3. The trip was not a vacation, it was a town where sporting events were held and all of our children played. She was a part of this as her children played as well. Their meetup I am sure was far from a romantic anything not wanting to not be around her. I think that is bringing too much weigh to who she really is. 

Your last paragraph-thank you again for this. This is a sting but again thank you.

[husbandcheating]

On 1/23/2022 at 8:03 PM, S2B said:

Why aren’t you having sex with your husband? Be specific.

@S2BIt is not that I do not have sex with him, we do ever so often, but there are more important things to do to me. Our lives are very busy and making memories with all that we do mean a lot to me. I love to have fun with our family and our friends. It is more of a task than anything to me.

Edited February 3, 2022 by husbandcheating

[husbandcheating]

On 1/23/2022 at 8:18 PM, ilikept said:

 

I think #1 goes beyond "ignoring" the elephant in the room.     I think this is acceptance.       He has been involved with the OW for 3 years and they have intertwined their lives together, not as APs,  but as an actual couple.   

The OP has known all about this for 7 months yet has not said a peep or lifted a finger to do anything about it.    This is acceptance.   

She is getting what she wants out of the relationship which is his provisioning and support,  christmas, birthday and valentine's cards and trips as well as full time child rearing support.  

She is  not ignoring their relationship as she has been keeping nearly daily tabs on it -   she is accepting it and chalking it up as the Price Of Admission for getting his support.   

The reason she has not said or done anything about this is because she does not want to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo.    If she confronts him or does anything about this,  he may pack up and withdraw his support and Valentines cards.   

To acknowledge a problem means undertaking some level of accountability to do something about it.       She does NOT want to do anything about it because doing something about it will threaten what she currently has.  

@ilikept I am not accepting this. It lies me awake at night and has me in my thoughts while trying to get through my work days. I don't understand myself why I do not say anything but I do know that most of it is based on fear. We have so many things happening right now with our family and I do not want my children to be intertwined with argumentative or sad behavior. 

[husbandcheating]

On 1/24/2022 at 12:21 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you turn a blind eye to not rock the boat and perhaps you think it's just a phase?

Is his lover married? 

@Wiseman2I do believe that this is a phase, it is just nerve wrecking as to why she is still around. From what I have read, she is not married.

[husbandcheating]

On 1/24/2022 at 12:28 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Eh, not really.

I mean no disrespect, but most of us move on from our teenage loves for good reason. We grow and change and want different things. That's why teen relationships are usually training wheels for the bigger and better ones ahead in adulthood. 

 Can some make it work? Yes. Is that what most people wish for? I don't think so. I can't imagine my own teenage boyfriend being my life partner, personally. No thanks. And I think you hanging on this narrative is the part of the problem. You have convinced yourself this is a love story for the ages, but it's really quite far from it. You're refusing to see it any other way but I don't think most would envy your relationship, OP. 

Thank you @ExpatInItaly

[husbandcheating]

On 1/24/2022 at 8:40 AM, vla1120 said:

@husbandcheating I wish you thought more of yourself. I wish you believed you deserve better. I am sad that you think him coming home to you every night is enough. I worry about how you will cope if/when he leaves you for her. You cannot really stake a claim on his family home and I believe he is determined to gain full custody of your children whether to keep from having to pay child support to you, or because he does not believe you are a good mother to his children (which he has indicated in the past - and that would be enough for me to flip my lid.) For as much as you think you are living the dream life with him, I worry about your mental state when the rug is pulled out from under you. 

Thank you @vla1120 I dont think that him coming home every night is enough. But I do feel this signifies that he does not want to leave me or takes that woman seriously. He comes home to me and chooses to do so.

It is not that I am not a good mother, we have all boys and he thrives on being their father, the constant male figure in their life. A running joke in our family is that they are more like brothers versus being father and sons. He holds his fatherhood very important to his heart, our boys mean everything to him. 

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

It is not that I am not a good mother, we have all boys and he thrives on being their father, the constant male figure in their life. A running joke in our family is that they are more like brothers versus being father and sons. He holds his fatherhood very important to his heart, our boys mean everything to him. 

And this is why he has not left. The only reason he does not leave is because he does not want to share custody of his boys.

As you yourself said, he has offered to set you up in a house of your own as long as he can leave and take the boys with him.  If you are so confident that Amanda is unimportant, offer to take him up on that proposition and see what he says.

 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

But I do feel this signifies that he does not want to leave me or takes that woman seriously. He comes home to me and chooses to do so.

Your therapist (a GOOD therapist) should be helping you to analyze this and determine whether it is realistic. Does he/she know the extent of your husband's involvement with Amanda (business investments, accounts for your boys, searching together to purchase a home, etc.)? If so, I believe he/she would tell you what everyone on this site has been telling you - that this does not appear to be some typical affair that will fizzle out eventually, and that you need to take steps to protect yourself. 

Also, the fact that you think sex/intimacy with your husband is a chore and you have more important things to do is a huge issue, in my opinion. Your husband is too young to be expected to give up sex for the rest of his life (and so are you, frankly.) You should visit your doctor to determine why you have no sex drive, maybe he/she can give you a prescription for female viagra, or check thyroid levels, etc., to determine why you have no sex drive. 

If you want to win him back in this department, you need to change your attitude about having sex with him. You need to go out and buy some sexy lingerie and start competing with Amanda in this department because, like I said, I don't know any man who is going to be content at the thought of little to no sex/intimacy for the rest of his life. The "no sex" in itself is a dealbreaker/marriage-ender for many marriages. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by vla1120

[poppyfields]

@husbandcheating

Hello.  This thread really hits home.  And while I have not read all 39+ pages, I've read enough posts to know you are in the throes of one of the worse cases of denial I've ever seen.

My mom was also in denial for many years. She saw what she wanted to see and nothing else. 

Until the day my dad finally left and married his mistress (my stepmom and the love of his life)  soon thereafter.

The situations are nearly identical. No not nearly but actually identical. 

I don't have advice cause as with other advice given and attempts to get you to see reality, you won't.

I suppose it's human nature to do so, so no judgment.

But if nothing else, please do prepare yourself because while I'm not psychic, your situation and my mom's situation (with my dad being in love with another woman who eventually became my stepmom) are so eerily similar that I am actually afraid for you when the * hits the fan which it WILL once your sons get older and on their own.  Or even sooner.

Like your husband, my dad also went through all the right motions for years, home every night, holidays, birthdays etc, kept up appearances, pretended for the sake of my mom, myself and my brothers but it was all a facade, a lie.

My heart breaks for you, this is so sad. 

I wish you the best. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[vla1120]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But if nothing else, please do prepare yourself because while I'm not psychic, your situation and my mom's situation (with my dad being in love with another woman who eventually became my stepmom) are so eerily similar that I am actually afraid for you when the * hits the fan which it WILL once your sons get older and on their own.  Or even sooner.

This is my greatest recommendation, that you prepare yourself so that you are not blindsided. In reality, it would be impossible for you to be blindsided because you already KNOW what your husband is doing, but your level of denial is keeping you from taking action. I suspect, in the back of your mind, you are calculating your ability to support yourself in the event you find yourself alone. Please see a lawyer and present to him/her all the evidence you have that your husband has been taking money from your marital household to invest in Amanda's business. Do this sooner rather than later. Otherwise, he is going to continue to invest and everything is going to be in her name and, therefore, untouchable to you.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

This is my greatest recommendation, that you prepare yourself so that you are not blindsided. In reality, it would be impossible for you to be blindsided because you already KNOW what your husband is doing, but your level of denial is keeping you from taking action. I suspect, in the back of your mind, you are calculating your ability to support yourself in the event you find yourself alone. Please see a lawyer and present to him/her all the evidence you have that your husband has been taking money from your marital household to invest in Amanda's business. Do this sooner rather than later. Otherwise, he is going to continue to invest and everything is going to be in her name and, therefore, untouchable to you.

I feel in order for OP to do that she would actually need to admit that a threat even exists, and she hasn't gotten to that point.  She feels Amanda is a temporary distraction at worst.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

I feel in order for OP to do that she would actually need to admit that a threat even exists, and she hasn't gotten to that point.  She feels Amanda is a temporary distraction at worst.

Yup, denial in its truest and purest (and saddest) form.

Anything other than denial would force her to see reality and thus make some difficult decisions like leaving and that is something she is not emotionally ready to do.  

So she lives in this perpetual state of denial, telling herself "stories" that her husband loves and is committed to HER.

Well I am no expert but I have witnessed FIRST HAND being the daughter of a man who did the same thing as her husband is doing and this is NOT going to end well for the OP, I am sorry to say.

Edited February 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[RebeccaR]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

It is more of a task than anything to me.

HC, sadly I imagine he can sense that. It seems like he wants to be with someone who can react to sex more enthusiastically. And it seems like he found Amanda and developed an emotional bond with her.

[poppyfields]

>>But I do feel this signifies that he does not want to leave me or takes that woman seriously. He comes home to me and chooses to do so.

I'm sorry OP I don't mean to be cruel but what in the world!  Yes he chooses to do so for appearances sake and for the sake of your children.  So as to not tear their worlds apart by leaving while they're growing up and need him.

Please I implore you -- become aware.  You appear to be so blind to the realities of not only your own situation but LIFE.  It's truly mind boggling, even my mom had some awareness of what was happening but she chose to look the other way to keep the marriage in tact.

Like you, she had ZERO sexual desire for my dad, and that was huge for my dad, please do not underestimate the power sexual attraction and intimacy IS in any relationship or marriage.

I almost wish I hadn't opened this thread because it's bringing back a lot of unpleasant memories for me.  Yes our situations are THAT similar.

Are you in any sort of individual therapy?  I apologize if this has been discussed previously.  If not, please do so and find a good one!  One who will help you to understand basic nuances of human behavior and relationships.

Your denial and lack of awareness is troubling and upsetting.

 

[S2B]

Since you aren’t hardly having sex with him - he is most likely having lots of sex with his OW…and creating a VERY intimate bond that you aren’t providing.

so essentially she has a leg up on you. And you have no way of knowing if she may intend to get pregnant - have his babies as well.

so you not having sex with him leaves a very very big crack in the marriage and he has found a way to fill that void.

irs too bad you place so little value on sex/intimacy with your husband. You are making a huge mistake!

[SouthernIslander]

19 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

@S2BIt is not that I do not have sex with him, we do ever so often, but there are more important things to do to me. Our lives are very busy and making memories with all that we do mean a lot to me. I love to have fun with our family and our friends. It is more of a task than anything to me.

The fact intimacy feels like a task is another example of a disconnect in your marriage. He is very wrong for cheating but your comments come off like you brush off issues that you don’t find important without serious consideration for how it affects him.  

Just seems more like creating your own reality vs. true companionship.   The affair isn’t going to end as long as you allow it and ignore the problems in your marriage. 

 

[Amethyst68]

How many years must this affair go on until you recognise that it is serious?  It's already been  3-4 years!

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, SouthernIslander said:

The fact intimacy feels like a task is another example of a disconnect in your marriage.

The fact that this woman doesn’t believe that sex is an important part of marriage shows the disconnect in her thinking. Or perhaps, a better word would be priorities.

Edited February 4, 2022 by BaileyB