My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I'm sorry, it's not meant to be hurtful, just straightforward based on what you've told us, and what you're describing is a man who's up to something. It's also what your cousin thinks and I assume he/she is there in person observing. If you're confident that he's completely happy in your marriage, and his female friend is nothing to worry about, perhaps you should just confront him about the messages and put your mind at ease. If my husband was turning to another woman for advice and support, and starting up a "secret" business with that woman, I'd be furious and devastated, and I would definitely want to know just how much of your money he's invested without your knowledge. Do you know what sort of business it is? Is his name on any documents, or is it possible that he's just loaned her money to start her own business and he has no actual ownership or pecuniary interest? That still wouldn't be acceptable, but at least it would look less like he had a long-term plan involving a future with the AP. 

Thank you MsJayne. I did not take it as hurtful. It is hard to think someone can fake something like that for so long. He has genuine affection for me, I am always trying to wrap my mind around that part. The business is together. 

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

He is actively getting *more* involved with her, not less. This is obviously not just about sex and she is not going to disappear anytime soon, if ever. The question is what are you going to do about it?

Thank you lana-banana. I really do not want to break up our family over a temporary fix.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

He definitely wasn't thinking about her

You have no clue what he was thinking about. 

But since you seem bound and determined to ignore this....keep your friends and family close to you. You will need them when this falls apart. 

[husbandcheating]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have no clue what he was thinking about. 

But since you seem bound and determined to ignore this....keep your friends and family close to you. You will need them when this falls apart. 

You are right ExpatInItaly, but his attention definitely wasn't glued to a phone or stuck on contacting her. I wouldn't want to be her. That is one thing, when I call, he answers, he is always at my disposal. Today his attention was with me. 

It is not that I am ignoring this but I am trying to look at the facts of the day only. He was too busy with me and both of our families, enjoying our life.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

He was too busy with me and both of our families, enjoying our life.

For Father's Day, sure. 

But he has somehow otherwise found the time to have a secret 3-year affair you knew nothing about, built a business with her, and planned to look at properties together with her. A lot has gone on between behind your back. One fun day does not cancel that out. Your husband is apparently very good at deceiving you and putting on an act if this has been unfolding for 3 years and you had no idea until very recently.

You are in deep, deep denial about what is happening here. 

[Indigo Night]

17 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I definitely have a problem BaileyB. I want him to focus on our family and our love. We have known each other half of our lives. If he is staying, I know that he loves me so he needs to focus on that. If he didnt love me, he wouldnt post me, or attend family events, etc. so I want him to focus on that.

My ex husband showered me with love and affection, for 10+ years. Everyone said we were a great couple, or they said we were "what true love looks like". He would take me on lavish vacations, and surprise me with beautiful gifts. He was extremely attentive and involved when I was pregnant with our son. I thought we were blissfully happy. 

He was cheating on me the entire 10 years. You said you don't have sex with your husband often, but I bet he is having plenty of sex, with her. I was very sexually active with my husband, and he still cheated, often. The fact that you don't have sex frequently, and he doesn't complain is usually a bad sign. Unless he doesn't think sex is important. Has he ever told you that sex isn't that big of a deal, and he's okay with infrequent sex with you? 

Some men are experts at being deceptive. It sounds like he has it down to a science. Then again, you are really willing to deny what is right in front of you, so he may not have to work too hard at it.

You can wish none of what he's doing is true all you want. You can hope she'll go away. After 3 years, and he's building a future with her, my guess is that he is the one who is leaving. 

You keep justifying your love with all of the little things he does, and acting like a 3 year affair can't be serious because he is lovey dovey on social media. Of course he is! He's biding his time. All the signs are there!!!

He was communicating with her and telling her pictures with you were essentially like taking pictures with a coworker! That's not enough to convince you he didn't love you as much as you're convinced he does? 

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can't avoid it forever. You can continue to grasping at straws, or face the reality. You don't have a storybook romance for a marriage. You have a cheating husband that tells his AP you mean no more than a coworker to him. 

Talk to a lawyer. Find a therapist. You're very likely going to need both, sooner rather than later.

Remember, not all fairytales have a happy ending.

 

Edited June 21, 2021 by Indigo Night

[lana-banana]

5 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you lana-banana. I really do not want to break up our family over a temporary fix.

Three years, a business, and very possibly property are absolutely not a "temporary fix". This man may have love for you, but he is NOT in love with you and he is apparently making plans for a future that doesn't include you. So what will you do about it?

[Starswillshine]

Your husband is having a very involved affair. And I believe he will continue this affair until one of the two of you women stop it. 

So you can continue to live like this, checking messages, worrying if he is with her, selling her false promises about the future when they can finally be together. Or you can try to put a stop with it. And the only way to do that is to out him. Tell him you know what's going on. Do the 180. (Research this). Many of times, the husband comes crawling back and dumps the OW... though the biggest risk is that when things calm down, he usually is back in contact with the OW. Thay is such the life with a man who can compartmentalize like this. 

2 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

My ex husband showered me with love and affection, for 10+ years. Everyone said we were a great couple, or they said we were "what true love looks like". He would take me on lavish vacations, and surprise me with beautiful gifts. He was extremely attentive and involved when I was pregnant with our son. I thought we were blissfully happy. 

My ex husband was the same. The morning, hours before I discovered text that would change my life, we booked a super romantic, lavish vacation to a foreign, tropical destination for 10 days. Just the 2 of us. During that affair, we had taken many vacations just the two of us. We had sex frequently. He would sit and look at me, and randomly say, "Damn I love you so freaking much. You are so gorgeous." No one would have ever guess he would cheat on me. On our children. We were told many times we were the model family, everyone's goals of what marriage and family should look like. What i didn't know who how deceptive he could be. His goal was to make everyone think exactly like because it was a smoke screen for who he really was. 

Men can compartmentalize things easily. When he is with you, he may very well be completely with you. But when he is not with you, you are not even a blimp on his radar. 

 

I read a quote once from Jennifer Garner about Ben Affleck once (im not usually into celebrity news, but this pinpointed exactly what I felt).... When his sun shines on you, you feel it.’ But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it’s cold. He can cast quite a shadow.

[BiancaSW]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I am so sorry this happened to you and thank you for your side. Speaking from the wife's perspective, I can see why she is trying to save her marriage. She may be loathing at him but we are a unit at the end of it all and if she wants to keep her family together, she will do anything, including defending him. I am trying to understand why he won't let her go.

no, I am sorry it happened to you too - it must be really hard for you and a really hard decision to process! if you love him and you want to keep your family - you should do what your heart / mind tells you,,do what is right for YOU and you only. I don’t know how strong-minded your husband is - will he leave you for the other lady or will he leave her for you - I would not push if you are still not sure what is happening, but if it hurts too much - may be its time you guys talk?! But please remember not to trust everything he says if he says he was the one dragged into it. He is a grown up man with a decision-making capacity who knows exactly what he is doing. Do not chase the OW, don’t harass her - although you seem like a person, who would not do that anyway. It’s a very difficult situation for you at the moment - HE should have not put you in it ever, but he chose so sadly. Please, let us know what you decided and always here for support x

[Starswillshine]

FTR, I did the whole try to save our marriage thing for awhile and made some critical mistakes. My fear to do the hard thing (serve him with divorce papers) allowed him to think he could still save everything. There was some stipulations and "rules " that he appear to abide by. He went to a therapist but lied heavily to him. He did marriage counseling afterwards but was condescending to the counselor. He maintained contact with his OW even though I told him I would divorce him if he spoke to her ever again. He never thought I was serious. 

Then the divorce papers hit, and he spiraled down. At that point, he was doing all he could to save us, but it was too late. Which is why I say tell him no, hold him to the flame now.... don't wait. It is your only chance to save your marriage. See an attorney, have papers drawn up (doesn't need to be filed or can because you can stop it anytime). I was terrified of doing it at first, too, because I was scared to lose him, I didn't want a divorce. I was afraid of taking that gamble and it would go bad. But had I did, I could have stopped it sooner. (Though I think in the end I would have divorced after all because I knew I couldn't trust him and I was losing every bit of myself). 

[Yosemite]

On 6/19/2021 at 11:19 PM, husbandcheating said:

My cousin tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting

Do you really think that your cousin hasn't told anyone?? Probably your entire family knows...which makes all those social media posts embarrassing and humiliating because they all know, just like you do, that it's a lie. 

20 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

I know that they both have invested major money into the business they created.

How much money? More than 50K?

 

 

Edited June 21, 2021 by Yosemite

[LynneVicious]

Op,

I am so sorry you’re going through with this. I do have to mirror what IndigoNight and StarsWillShine are saying... this affair will NOT stop until you put a stop to it. 
 

I am also a BW and my ex husbands first affair, I rug swept it, because I had three young children and didn’t want to ‘break up my family’. Well he did it again. And it only stopped when I filed for divorce and he knew what he was losing. By that point, I didn’t want him anymore. 
 

Once the rose colored glasses come off, it’s a whole new ballgame. Proceed at your own peril if you just want to wait for this to fizzle out. The hurt will be way worse and every day will eat away at you. You’ll be miserable. 
 

Rip the bandaid off and expose the affair and file for divorce. So he knows what he stands to lose. Make him earn you back. Work on true reconciliation because if you just sweep this under the rug, I guarantee it will bite you back in the rear end. Please learn from others who are trying to help. 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I don't want to pile on, but my husband did the same ting. I was the most wonderful, loving kind peorsn in the world, someone who said he was so lucky to have in his life, ( according to a note he'd sent me) and then the next week, he confessed to cheating on me.

It takes a while to get your head around that, and it's a very bitter pill to swallow. I would advise you, for the sake of your children, to speak to a lawyer. That doesn't mean you're seeking a divorce, just that the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself. i would also advise you to talk all this over in real life, with someone you trust. Someone who knows both of you and can give you informed insight.

[husbandcheating]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For Father's Day, sure. 

But he has somehow otherwise found the time to have a secret 3-year affair you knew nothing about, built a business with her, and planned to look at properties together with her. A lot has gone on between behind your back. One fun day does not cancel that out. Your husband is apparently very good at deceiving you and putting on an act if this has been unfolding for 3 years and you had no idea until very recently.

You are in deep, deep denial about what is happening here. 

I understand. I do get that one fun day doesn't cancel it out. What am I trying to say is he doesn't worry too much about talking to her if he is present with me. That to me says alot and that I am the "important" one if you will.

You may be right as far as the denial, I just want our family to remain in tact.

[husbandcheating]

8 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

My ex husband showered me with love and affection, for 10+ years. Everyone said we were a great couple, or they said we were "what true love looks like". He would take me on lavish vacations, and surprise me with beautiful gifts. He was extremely attentive and involved when I was pregnant with our son. I thought we were blissfully happy. 

He was cheating on me the entire 10 years. You said you don't have sex with your husband often, but I bet he is having plenty of sex, with her. I was very sexually active with my husband, and he still cheated, often. The fact that you don't have sex frequently, and he doesn't complain is usually a bad sign. Unless he doesn't think sex is important. Has he ever told you that sex isn't that big of a deal, and he's okay with infrequent sex with you? 

Some men are experts at being deceptive. It sounds like he has it down to a science. Then again, you are really willing to deny what is right in front of you, so he may not have to work too hard at it.

You can wish none of what he's doing is true all you want. You can hope she'll go away. After 3 years, and he's building a future with her, my guess is that he is the one who is leaving. 

You keep justifying your love with all of the little things he does, and acting like a 3 year affair can't be serious because he is lovey dovey on social media. Of course he is! He's biding his time. All the signs are there!!!

He was communicating with her and telling her pictures with you were essentially like taking pictures with a coworker! That's not enough to convince you he didn't love you as much as you're convinced he does? 

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can't avoid it forever. You can continue to grasping at straws, or face the reality. You don't have a storybook romance for a marriage. You have a cheating husband that tells his AP you mean no more than a coworker to him. 

Talk to a lawyer. Find a therapist. You're very likely going to need both, sooner rather than later.

Remember, not all fairytales have a happy ending.

 

I am sorry this happened to you Indigo Night. That is what everyone says about us, how perfect we are. Cheating on you the entire 10 years? That is unbelievable, what was the point of getting married??????? We do not have sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but to me I thought daily life has finally caught up to him and sex is a back burner. I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

Biding his time?

The coworker test that I read stung really hard, but then I assumed he wouldn't tell her he enjoyed it. I don't have to pull his leg to attend family events, I don't make him be affectionate with me, these are things that he just does.

Thank you again.

[husbandcheating]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

no, I am sorry it happened to you too - it must be really hard for you and a really hard decision to process! if you love him and you want to keep your family - you should do what your heart / mind tells you,,do what is right for YOU and you only. I don’t know how strong-minded your husband is - will he leave you for the other lady or will he leave her for you - I would not push if you are still not sure what is happening, but if it hurts too much - may be its time you guys talk?! But please remember not to trust everything he says if he says he was the one dragged into it. He is a grown up man with a decision-making capacity who knows exactly what he is doing. Do not chase the OW, don’t harass her - although you seem like a person, who would not do that anyway. It’s a very difficult situation for you at the moment - HE should have not put you in it ever, but he chose so sadly. Please, let us know what you decided and always here for support x

Thank you BiancaSW.

[husbandcheating]

5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

FTR, I did the whole try to save our marriage thing for awhile and made some critical mistakes. My fear to do the hard thing (serve him with divorce papers) allowed him to think he could still save everything. There was some stipulations and "rules " that he appear to abide by. He went to a therapist but lied heavily to him. He did marriage counseling afterwards but was condescending to the counselor. He maintained contact with his OW even though I told him I would divorce him if he spoke to her ever again. He never thought I was serious. 

Then the divorce papers hit, and he spiraled down. At that point, he was doing all he could to save us, but it was too late. Which is why I say tell him no, hold him to the flame now.... don't wait. It is your only chance to save your marriage. See an attorney, have papers drawn up (doesn't need to be filed or can because you can stop it anytime). I was terrified of doing it at first, too, because I was scared to lose him, I didn't want a divorce. I was afraid of taking that gamble and it would go bad. But had I did, I could have stopped it sooner. (Though I think in the end I would have divorced after all because I knew I couldn't trust him and I was losing every bit of myself). 

And you have no regrets about this? If he was fighting to save the marriage, that means he really loved you.

[husbandcheating]

5 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Do you really think that your cousin hasn't told anyone?? Probably your entire family knows...which makes all those social media posts embarrassing and humiliating because they all know, just like you do, that it's a lie. 

How much money? More than 50K?

 

 

I do not believe she has. We are each others soundboard.

Not more than 50K.

[husbandcheating]

2 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Op,

I am so sorry you’re going through with this. I do have to mirror what IndigoNight and StarsWillShine are saying... this affair will NOT stop until you put a stop to it. 
 

I am also a BW and my ex husbands first affair, I rug swept it, because I had three young children and didn’t want to ‘break up my family’. Well he did it again. And it only stopped when I filed for divorce and he knew what he was losing. By that point, I didn’t want him anymore. 
 

Once the rose colored glasses come off, it’s a whole new ballgame. Proceed at your own peril if you just want to wait for this to fizzle out. The hurt will be way worse and every day will eat away at you. You’ll be miserable. 
 

Rip the bandaid off and expose the affair and file for divorce. So he knows what he stands to lose. Make him earn you back. Work on true reconciliation because if you just sweep this under the rug, I guarantee it will bite you back in the rear end. Please learn from others who are trying to help. 

Thank you LynneVicious. I keep thinking if he didn't want me, he wouldn't be here and active participant. So I know that if I hang on, he will come to his senses and drop this woman who means nothing compared to our years from teenagers to now.

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

I don't want to pile on, but my husband did the same ting. I was the most wonderful, loving kind peorsn in the world, someone who said he was so lucky to have in his life, ( according to a note he'd sent me) and then the next week, he confessed to cheating on me.

It takes a while to get your head around that, and it's a very bitter pill to swallow. I would advise you, for the sake of your children, to speak to a lawyer. That doesn't mean you're seeking a divorce, just that the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself. i would also advise you to talk all this over in real life, with someone you trust. Someone who knows both of you and can give you informed insight.

I am sorry this happened to you pepperbird2 and I just talked to a friend this morning and I am going to update the thread.

[lana-banana]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

The coworker test that I read stung really hard, but then I assumed he wouldn't tell her he enjoyed it. I don't have to pull his leg to attend family events, I don't make him be affectionate with me, these are things that he just does.

You are acting like if he doesn't outwardly show to the whole world that he detests you, that it must mean that he loves you and your family more. It's just not accurate. He has even said as much: he doesn't hate or dislike you, but he isn't in love with you, either. He simply doesn't care. You are a coworker: a partner that he has to work with and play a role. I know that sounds so hurtful but don't take it from me; evaluate his actions (going off to see her immediately, lying to you about what he's doing and where he is, starting a business with her, etc).

As I've said before, this is very different from most stories we read about husbands cheating on their wives. You need to talk to an attorney to evaluate your options immediately. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

We do not have sex frequently and he used to complain about this years ago. He loves sex but to me I thought daily life has finally caught up to him and sex is a back burner. I rather talk at the end of the day versus having sex. We used to have arguments over this earlier in the marriage.

He’s stopped arguing because he is getting it elsewhere. 

If he loves you and he is invested in the marriage the way that you believe him to be, he would want to have sex with you. And vice versa. Married people who love each other usually want to have sex - particularly if they are young and healthy. The fact that neither of you do makes this more of a business arrangement than anything else…

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

And you have no regrets about this? If he was fighting to save the marriage, that means he really loved you.

Zero regrets!

He loved me in the only way he can love someone; I have no doubts about that. However, it is not a love that I want. He always knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. Even still, I did give him a chance to correct it. He still blew it. I knew I would never be able to trust him again, and I could not live like that. My physical and mental health was at stake, and I needed to show our daughters that they did not need to be treated like that. How I dealt with him cheating was a big deal for how my daughters would determine their own worth. 

[husbandcheating]

I also wanted to put the events of my mother's day. She is also a mother and has children and I wanted to know how he would handle it all. I know that she is a mother and has children, so I wanted to know how he would juggle. For Mother's Day, him and the kids took me to brunch, just us, and he set up a photo shoot with a professional photographer. The photography was amazing! He also packed a bag for our wardrobe changes and we took "engagement photos" so lots of love photos, kissing, photos of rings, couple things. That was on that Saturday and Sunday the actual day he set up a family BBQ at our house which I did enjoy. All in! That wasn't "co-worker" that was displaying our love! 

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I also wanted to put the events of my mother's day. She is also a mother and has children and I wanted to know how he would handle it all. I know that she is a mother and has children, so I wanted to know how he would juggle. For Mother's Day, him and the kids took me to brunch, just us, and he set up a photo shoot with a professional photographer. The photography was amazing! He also packed a bag for our wardrobe changes and we took "engagement photos" so lots of love photos, kissing, photos of rings, couple things. That was on that Saturday and Sunday the actual day he set up a family BBQ at our house which I did enjoy. All in! That wasn't "co-worker" that was displaying our love! 

Again, if you are ok with him cheating on you as long as he continues to shower you with love, then just go on with your life and ignore what you have seen. Men are capable of this. Mutliple wives have had the same experience. His cheating has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with his integrity and character. You have to decide what you can tolerate and what you cannot. He will likely keep this up until forever. So if you are good with it, erase your memory and move on. Forget what he is doing behind your back.