My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[heartwhole2]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:19 AM, husbandcheating said:

Hello,

My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years so I suppose it is not just an affair. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! I am really into signs and everything I have read, it states Taurus's are loyal and won't cheat but of course here we are. I know we can't lump all Taurus' in one big group but I am very surprised that it seems like he has a real relationship with this woman. It is not just sex from what I see and honestly also from what I have read they have the same love languages. My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaiming me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are OK". He kisses me when I need a kiss. And I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary.

My cousin tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any  advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I have not told him I know.

 

Thank you.

OP, read your first post. You were asking how to proceed. When are you going to take action? It's been over 7 months and you haven't found magical evidence that it's just a fling. Do you want to spend another 7 months doing the same thing over and over?

[heartwhole2]

On 6/21/2021 at 10:51 PM, husbandcheating said:

I see everyones comments and I will respond. I wanted to update. Today he left his phone while he was on a zoom call in the office and I looked into his phone again. A text message (preview) between him and his brother caught my eye. The only thing I saw was "I do love her, I am in love with her and I am going to make it work" I immediately had joy knowing that the message was meant about me. When I opened the text message, the whole message was about this woman. I am HURTING. He told his brother how he feels that him and that woman have a connection he has never felt and how with me he was doing what was right when I got pregnant as teenagers. How he "has been checked out for some years but was ok because the children are more than ok and his children always come first versus his own happiness and he doesn't matter" How he "loves me but its not the love he has for her" How "she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her". "husbandcheating and I relationship is good, she is a great person, you know that and I will always show up and do things and be there for our children, they look forward to everything we do, so do I, we have a good time, you know those kids are everything to me and I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household" "She thinks she loves me but she doesn't, she's just used to me because we have known each other since high school" "Amanda has a hard time dealing with things and we talk it out, she doesn't like the circumstances of course, but she is willing to stay the course and putting the trust in me to handle this over here" "No she hates it, and she's upset about it but she understands it and knows its a lot to unpack in a long marriage, she was in one and was unhappy"  "Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

"She thinks she loves me but she doesn't"?????????????????????? 

" I won't leave them alone with her, I have to do what I need to do keep things going in our household"?????????????????????????

""Remember I offered to buy her a home, deal with all the upfront costs and she pays the mortgage and she leaves the kids with me years ago, she told me no, she would of had to leave, this is my house but she said she didn't want us to split"

-a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

There was so much more but apparently my husband is on drugs smh. He has never hinted at any thing! He thinks I don't love him????? I don't understand!

Again OP, here you are back in June reading the same kind of message you just read about how he doesn't think you really love him.

The only way this situation is going to change is if you change it.

On DDay I was filled with this other-worldly rage and, thankfully, this feeling that my fine self was going to have no problem finding someone who deserved me unlike this cheating dope. Keep focusing on your anger; it's been getting stronger recently. It will give you the strength to take action even though you won't be guaranteed to save the marriage. Because being disrespected in your marriage is worse than your marriage ending.

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Her: Babe, remember the gift to (insert OUR family friend's name) gift for the party this weekend! I think I'll just go fetch it before we meet! "

If she is arranging a gift for your family friend this weekend, I presume that gift is not going to be from you and your husband? Does that mean that your family friend knows about her? Is she attending a party with your husband?

Edited February 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Because being disrespected in your marriage is worse than your marriage ending.

I could be wrong but my sense is the OP's anger isn't coming from being disrespected, I don't believe SHE believes she IS being disrespected.

She believes her husband loves her, he respects her, that she's his number one, and that Amanda is a temporary distraction from who knows what.

Her anger comes from the belief that Amanda is honing in on her territory, that she is stepping out of bounds, that she is attempting to steal her husband. 

She's in complete and utter denial about all of it. 

That's my take anyway.

 

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

If she is arranging a gift for your family friend this weekend, I presume that gift is not going to be from you and your husband? Does that mean that your family friend knows about her? Is she attending a party with your husband?

There's a good chance since her BIL knows all about it, too.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

There's a good chance since her BIL knows all about it, too.

Reminds me of another poster - this woman carried on in a relationship with her affair partner for years. It was an open secret, friends and family all knew about and supported the affair for years before there was eventually a D-Day. 

[Pumpernickel]

Yea, I agree - somebody needs to say something. Something needs to happen.

OP - you need to put the cards on the table & let the chips fall where they may……..all you’ve been doing is justify his behavior one way or another, and you’ve been trying to explain how him coming home means more than him being bonded to his mistress Amanda …… despite the Partner tattoos and the finances involved, and the kids involved. You are over the top delusional, and I know you know it - your therapist knows it (but I also know there are counselors who believe in getting paid for making their clients feel better; it’s NOT rare!!), and everybody on here knows it as well.

The sooner you say something, the sooner you can act. It’s a beautiful thing!

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Her anger comes from the belief that Amanda is honing in on her territory, that she is stepping out of bounds, that she is attempting to steal her husband. 

Maybe. But - let’s spin this a little further - if this is the case, how are you married to a guy who lets that happen? There is always married women who blame the mistress for everything: She lured him in,  she treats him well, she gives him exciting weekends, she distracts him from his mundane everyday family tasks, she “gives him” good sex, I can’t compete because I’m *just* the wife and I have to take care of everything else ….. blah blah blah ….. the list never stops, BUT - you have a husband!!!! Why is this always forgotten? Why is this thought always on the backburner? 
Honestly - Blame him, not her (the OW)!!

And if OP had done that, if she had held her H responsible, and not the circumstances or Amanda (God bless her heart), @husbandcheatingwould probably be MUCH further ahead by now. In either direction - her M would either be better, or she would be divorced. And much happier. Because she would be in charge of her life. And honestly - if you’re not in charge of your own life, you’re destined to be miserable. 

 

[heartwhole2]

OP, you've now known about the affair for a year. And it's been going on . . . five years?

Do you feel you've been able to reduce your denial at all? Are you starting to accept that she's a big part of his life? It doesn't matter if she's some delusional homewrecker . . . it only matters how he views her and what choices he makes. She could be a total bunny boiler but the particular details don't really matter because it isn't stopping your husband from giving her a lot of his time, affection, and resources. He hasn't stopped in five years, so imagining that he's going to suddenly stop now is illogical.

You don't have to share him, you know. You can put an end to the love triangle by announcing that you know about Amanda and refusing to be in a three-person marriage.

For most betrayed spouses, the surveillance period is very short. It has a clear goal -- to determine if cheating is taking place and to what extent. And then it ends. It may be replaced by voluntary transparency on the part of the WS in order to rebuild trust if the couple is reconciling. Or it ends because the marriage is ending.

This constant surveillance is not good for you. You are in a hyper vigilant state. I wouldn't be surprised if you are experiencing physicals symptoms of stress. For your own sake, you need to end this phase and move on to a healthier place where no one is keeping secrets from the other. It's important for you, and it's important for your kids to see you choosing authenticity and wholeness. As other posters have said, you don't want them saying down the road, "Oh mom knew about Amanda but she just stuck her head in the sand." You want them to say, "Mom showed us how to stand up for yourself. Mom showed us how to treat a partner with respect."


You are very stuck on the idea that you can compare the two relationships, and if yours is superior, then you win. But the fact is that you are losing because your husband rigged the game. Marriage isn't a competition between you and some other chick! It's not hoping you can edge out your husband's secret girlfriend! The marriage is disrespected because there's a secret girlfriend. So please don't keep trying to point out how you are beating out Amanda. There shouldn't be an Amanda to beat out! Look, the affair show down worked out for me, I guess. My husband dropped the OW like a hot potato. He even stared off into space on DDay and said, "Well, you are the smartest and funniest person I know." Look, anyone who read the OW's blog could tell you she's neither highly intelligent nor witty. BUT WHO CARES. I'm not going to rejoice that I happened to win a show down between me and my husband's secret girlfriend. The problem is my husband and his idiotic, narcissistic, and amoral decision to have a secret girlfriend. You need to focus your energy and action on the real problem.

Edited February 5, 2022 by heartwhole2

[6ix]

This thread has been locked because the topic has been thoroughly answered, responses are now repetitious, and there's no reason to let ongoing discussion continue. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by 6ix