My husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years

[ExpatInItaly]

You have to stop burying your head in the sand, OP, and deal with the reality that your marriage is probably over.

Otherwise you're absolutely going to collapse when the day arrives that he sits you down and tells you he wants a divorce. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Yosemite]

This honestly sounds like one of those situations where the person being cheated on is literally the last one to know. His brother knows, his sister knows, and their spouses probably know. There's a very strong chance that his parents know...

Her kids probably know him and think of him as their mom's bf...he may have met her parents and other members of her family by now, after all it's been 4 years.

Quote

Of course, what are you thinking, lets secure these nest eggs!"

This sounds like they're planning their retirement...so that they can retire early and travel or something.

Quote

she gives everything that he needs in the romantic sense" and how he "has no plans to leave her

Sounds like he's very pleased with their sex life which is why he's no longer bothering you about it anymore. He's telling his brother how great his mistress is in bed while he's married to you...that has got to be the most humiliating thing I've ever heard of.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you found out when you did, he wanted you to know. He wants you to start getting yourself together and dealing with reality so that it'll be easier for him to leave. 

Is your name on the deed for the house?

How old is your youngest child?

 

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

He is "making your marriage work" by sleeping with another woman and telling his family he's not in love with you? If that's a working marriage in your eyes then I feel bad for your children. He doesn't want to leave you because of the kids; he values that relationship, not yours.

I don't understand how you can have so little self-respect. If my husband was openly cheating on me and managing a second life with another woman, I'd be out the door immediately.

lana-banana this is very hard, giving up on a marriage is not what I planned on doing. I don't want to give up if he hasn't given up. Our family is very important to me.

[husbandcheating]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have to stop burying your head in the sand, OP, and deal with the reality that your marriage is probably over.

Otherwise you're absolutely going to collapse when the day arrives that he sits you down and tells you he wants a divorce. 

Thank you. I am looking at everything that I have seen and it truly hurts and I'm sad, mad, embarrassed, humiliated and I can go on but there is one thing I do not want to do and that is get a divorce. Yes I have seen everything but he has never mentioned divorce in any of it, in fact he has mentioned the opposite with keeping his household together. I see no intention of him leaving us.

[Dis]

I think a part of the reason why you're in such denial is because you seem to be dependent on your husband emotionally and financially 

 

You said you're not good with finances, stay at home mom, and emotionally you can't even muster up some justified anger for what he did to you and your kids, you'd rather turn a blind eye just for the chance of keeping him and not having to be alone 

 

Time to get strong and get strong fast so when he divorces you, which it sounds like he will....you can stand on your own two feet and take care of your kids on your own 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Dis

[husbandcheating]

26 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

This honestly sounds like one of those situations where the person being cheated on is literally the last one to know. His brother knows, his sister knows, and their spouses probably know. There's a very strong chance that his parents know...

Her kids probably know him and think of him as their mom's bf...he may have met her parents and other members of her family by now, after all it's been 4 years.

This sounds like they're planning their retirement...so that they can retire early and travel or something.

Sounds like he's very pleased with their sex life which is why he's no longer bothering you about it anymore. He's telling his brother how great his mistress is in bed while he's married to you...that has got to be the most humiliating thing I've ever heard of.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you found out when you did, he wanted you to know. He wants you to start getting yourself together and dealing with reality so that it'll be easier for him to leave. 

Is your name on the deed for the house?

How old is your youngest child?

 

I did see where he has met her parents. Sex is nothing to lose our marriage for. My husband is very practical and logical. He loves security. I doubt he will leave us for sex and her. Sex isnt a good foundation and he knows that. As he said, he is keeping his household together, my husband has no intention of leaving.

The text messages between him and his brother are old, I had just scrolled down.

My name is not on the deed of our home. The house is his and was gifted to him in high school, it is his aunt's home. I remember him bringing this up when he told me "You can get out of my house and I will buy you your own house" fluff for an argument.

Our youngest child is 9.

[husbandcheating]

3 minutes ago, Dis said:

I think a part of the reason why you're in such denial is because you seem to be dependent on your husband emotionally and financially 

 

You said you're not good with finances, stay at home mom, and emotionally you can't even muster up some justified anger for what he did to you and your kids, you'd rather turn a blind eye just for the chance of keeping him and not having to be alone 

 

Time to get strong and get strong fast so when he divorces you, which is sounds like he will....you can stand on your own two feet and take care of your kids on your own 

Thank you Dis. I actually do work, I just do not make as much as him. I have had the same job for well over 10 years now. It is not that I am turning a blind eye, I just think this is very temporary. We have history, children, our families are tight knitted, and we are married. 

He has never mentioned divorce in anything that I have read. He in fact said that he wants to keep his household intact. Some people advise he will leave when the kids get older, our youngest is 9 so you are meaning to tell me a man will play a game of charades for 8-10 years. I highly doubt that. One cannot "be fake" for too long. I truly believe that my husband loves me, look at his actions outside of this temporary affair. No man can play that well. I do not want to throw our family away based off of 4 year sex thing vs the love we have had over 20 years.

[Dis]

1 minute ago, husbandcheating said:

Thank you Dis. I actually do work, I just do not make as much as him. I have had the same job for well over 10 years now. It is not that I am turning a blind eye, I just think this is very temporary. We have history, children, our families are tight knitted, and we are married. 

He has never mentioned divorce in anything that I have read. He in fact said that he wants to keep his household intact. Some people advise he will leave when the kids get older, our youngest is 9 so you are meaning to tell me a man will play a game of charades for 8-10 years. I highly doubt that. One cannot "be fake" for too long. I truly believe that my husband loves me, look at his actions outside of this temporary affair. No man can play that well. I do not want to throw our family away based off of 4 year sex thing vs the love we have had over 20 years.

Good for you for working and having your own income. My mom always told me, never depend on a man for money. You may want to work on expanding your career and hours so if a divorce happens you can afford life on your own. 

 

When did he say he wants to keep the household intact? I ask because him buying a property with starting a business with his affair partner doesn't seem like a man who wants to stick around. It sounds more like he's laying the ground work for his departure. 

[Indigo Night]

1 hour ago, husbandcheating said:

I do hope that he does. I do think that he will eventually drop her because I am his wife. He can make "promises" but I doubt he will fulfill them, because he has me. Even with the latest events, I am thinking maybe he is going through a mid life crisis. 

You read the texts between him and his brother, and with Amanda! What more will it take to convince you that he is in love with HER, and not you! 

He isn't going through a midlife crisis. He is in an unhappy marriage, and is making arrangements to leave it. The only person in the situation who doesn't seem to realize that is you.

You're still grasping at straws, hoping he will change his mind because it is what YOU want. Sure he has you, his wife. His wife who thinks that he'd rather talk than make love on a regular basis. Again, because it's what YOU want, and what you believe works. Even though he has complained about the lack of sex, and you've argued about it. You're still convinced "Hi honey? How was your day?" makes him happier that meeting him at the door with nothing on but a smile, while the kids are at a babysitters house. He had needs, and they aren't aren't being meet by you. You have needs to, and seen content with your marriage. See the problem??? You two seem worlds apart in what you each believe a happy, and healthy, marriage looks looked, 

What does he want? To be with HER! He has made that clear to his own brother!! You don't tell family how in love you are with a meaningless fling!! You might comment on "she is wild in bed!" Or something less romantic and caring. Your husband professed, to his brother, his deep feelings for Amanda, and how they're making plans to be together. That's his goal, and where he believe he will be happy. 

 Did you notice the brother wasnt in shock hearing about Amanda? He knows about her! He knows his brother is in love with her, and plans to be with her.

That is your husband's fairytale romance. Amanda is giving him everything he wants, and more. You're husband wants that, from HER. He's making that abundantly clear. You just funny want to face it 

When he moves out, or kicks you out, will you finally accept the reality of the situation? He isn't sowing his oats. He's not bored, and looking for a side piece. He find a woman to fall in love with, and be loved by.

He doesn't love you, at least not romantically, ,and hinted that he only married you because you had a kid, based on his own words. You have created a fairytale love story that never existed for him. He has made that clear, to everyone except you! He told you 7 years ago he wanted you to leave. That's likely how long he's been checked out of your marriage! You know for sure it's been at least 3!!!

I am rarely so painfully blunt, but you have your heart, and head,  so far up in the clouds, that even faced with the truth you are STILL in absolute and complete denial. "He cheated, but we'll work it out" is about as far as you have gotten. Even after seeing him prices his love for Amanda, and a lack of love for you, bordering on getting pity for you because you believe he loves you, when he cheesy does not. 

I am sorry this is hurting you, but the more you continue to lie to yourself, the more the pain will linger. 

Stop trying to save a marriage that he has considered over for years, and figure out how you are going to support yourself and your children. You are no longer in wife mode! Remember, he didn't even consider you a wtfe! A coworker, and maybe a friend and mother of his children, but you are not his lover and where to him.

Switch your thinking and emotions into MOM hear,  and do whatever it takes to raise your children.

Call a lawyer, you need a good one! Call a therapist, you need a great one!

It might be time to have a heart to heart with your family enjoy what's happening. You will need a strong support network to get through this. Your mindset really needs to switch from your current one filled with false hours and wishful thinking!! Your children need you to be strong! Read them fairytales as bedtime stories, but stop trying to live in one.

I sincerely wish you all the best!! I do hope that one day you do find a man that makes all of your dreams come true, with honesty, integrity and true love. You seen so kind hearted, and deceive a man that will cherish your gentle heart.

(Sorry for typos, it's been a long day!)

My ex may have cheated on me for over a decade, but he never told them he loved them, or made plans to leave me for any them. That's not a naive guess. I've talked to over a dozen of the women over the years. Even they admit that he was just with them for sex. The majority were ONS, or short term flings. He begged me not to leave, and swore he'd change. He even bought a house he knew I'd love as incentive to stay. I didn't care. I was done being lied to, and disrespected. My ex was the textbook case of serial cheater.

Your husband, he has had one woman for years, and wants to be with her. Iñba relationship. That is an entirely different situation than a midlife crisis, or a meaningless fling.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, husbandcheating said:

I see no intention of him leaving us.

Then you are being deliberately blind. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

a brief explanation. About 7 years ago we were in an argument and he told me he would buy me a house, pay the mortgage for two years and I would have to take over, the kids were to stay with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that I didn't want to do that. He said "it was up to me and whatever I decided was fine" OF COURSE I wasn't going to leave. I don't even know why this was brought up!!!!!!! That was too many years ago!

Yes and many years ago he gave up on your marriage, so much so he was prepared to buy you a house and raise the kids on his own, in order to get rid of you.
Unfortunately he married you out of obligation, it was no love match.
7 years ago it started to gel that he did not want to continue with this sham. He hatched a plan, but you would not agree... 
4 years ago he found a solution, he found another more compatible partner, a partner to make his married life more bearable whilst he honoured his commitment to his kids.

You seem surprised that she would know so much about your lives. Why wouldn't she?
She has been in his life for 4 long years  She will know the colour of your underwear...
She is not the outsider, you are.
You are the one in the dark here. The one being lied to . The one he HAS to keep on board for the sake of his kids.
She knows the score, you don't.
They are the team, she is the woman he would rather spend his time with.
She is the one he is apparently building a future with. 
You have to take your head out of the sand and see that.

People do what they have to do.
Your husband has decided  to stay (for the moment anyway) in this "marriage of convenience" for the sake of his kids.
It is not uncommon, people do it all the time.
They keep the peace for the sake of their kids and get their real needs (sex. love, attention, affection, emotional connection, intellectual stimulation...etc. ) met  elsewhere.

Get your ducks in a row is my advice..
You may not want "change" but "change" may come to you whether you like it or not.
You need to be prepared for it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. He's in love with her and already planning a future with her. 

You'll probably get a good deal in the divorce. 

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

lana-banana this is very hard, giving up on a marriage is not what I planned on doing. I don't want to give up if he hasn't given up. Our family is very important to me.

Your fmaily is very important to you, but all this nonsense about how he loves his family life, can't hurt his kids is pure, unadulterated bull.

When you love someone, you don't put them at risk.  Notice how is is willing to throw you and your kids under the bus by cheating? Why, rather than telling you he is unhappy and wants a change is he choosing to engage in a course of actions that will likely be the most painful for all concerned? Why is he going behind your back to his family? Why is his family perfectly fine with his affair and even supportive of it?

I know it hurts to be treated this way, to know the person who says he loves you, who should always have your back, who should put you first is more interested in himself, but it is what it is. It was excruciating for me, especially because i trusted him so much. Never again will I be that stupid.

One thing I would ask you to keep in mind, is that his cheating is no reflection on you. You could be the best wife ever, offer him porn star quality sex, be the face so beautiful it "launched a thousand ships",  and be mother of the year and it wouldn't matter. he's cheating because of something lacking within himself.  He's too cowardly to admit that to you, so instead, he's taking his issues and putting them on you. Please, please PLEASE talk to a lawyer! Any man who says he cares about his kids but is willing to put their mental health ( an the mental health of their mom) at risk can't be trusted.He is clearly showing who he puts first...himself.

Don't get me wrong, there are "open marriages" that can a work well for both parties, but that's only when both are open and honest with a concrete solid foundation of trust. They set rules and boundaries together- there is no sneaking or hidden agendas. That is the polar opposite of what's going on for you.

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

 

He has never mentioned divorce in anything that I have read. He in fact said that he wants to keep his household intact. Some people advise he will leave when the kids get older, our youngest is 9 so you are meaning to tell me a man will play a game of charades for 8-10 years. I highly doubt that. One cannot "be fake" for too long. I truly believe that my husband loves me, look at his actions outside of this temporary affair. No man can play that well. I do not want to throw our family away based off of 4 year sex thing vs the love we have had over 20 years.

As much as I hate to say it, this is just what my brother did. His kids were getting older and he and his wife seemed happy. He was working on his MBA, and after graduation, he moved his family to a different province for a new job he'd gotten. His wife and kids came back up our way for a vacation at my mom and dad's.
That's when the call came. O

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes and many years ago he gave up on your marriage, so much so he was prepared to buy you a house and raise the kids on his own, in order to get rid of you.
Unfortunately he married you out of obligation, it was no love match.
7 years ago it started to gel that he did not want to continue with this sham. He hatched a plan, but you would not agree... 
4 years ago he found a solution, he found another more compatible partner, a partner to make his married life more bearable whilst he honoured his commitment to his kids.

You seem surprised that she would know so much about your lives. Why wouldn't she?
She has been in his life for 4 long years  She will know the colour of your underwear...
She is not the outsider, you are.
You are the one in the dark here. The one being lied to . The one he HAS to keep on board for the sake of his kids.
She knows the score, you don't.
They are the team, she is the woman he would rather spend his time with.
She is the one he is apparently building a future with. 
You have to take your head out of the sand and see that.

People do what they have to do.
Your husband has decided  to stay (for the moment anyway) in this "marriage of convenience" for the sake of his kids.
It is not uncommon, people do it all the time.
They keep the peace for the sake of their kids and get their real needs (sex. love, attention, affection, emotional connection, intellectual stimulation...etc. ) met  elsewhere.

Get your ducks in a row is my advice..
You may not want "change" but "change" may come to you whether you like it or not.
You need to be prepared for it.

This!

It could even be that the two are hatching a plan to set up a home together and seek custody of your kids. Hopefully, that's not what's going on, but it's one of the reasons to seek legal advice. Hopefully, you won't need to use it, but it's best for you and your kids to be prepared for the worst. Hope for the best outcome but plan for the worst.

I would not trust his fmaily when it comes to you either. the conversation they've had show their allegiance lies with him, which is to be expected. They didn't call him out on his actions, and he felt comfortable discussing his cheating with them.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Some people advise he will leave when the kids get older, our youngest is 9 so you are meaning to tell me a man will play a game of charades for 8-10 years. I highly doubt that. One cannot "be fake" for too long

Sorry but people can do exactly that if the incentive is big enough.
Plenty OWs in 5+ years relationships, some 10+ years, the wives have no clue.
These guys are faking it daily...

We had a guy here who left his cheating wife after 8 years . She thought they had reconciled and all was fine and happy again, he played the part of the doting husband well. but he always had a plan to leave in 8 years which was when he thought his kid was old enough to cope with it.
8 years to the day, he packed up and left.

You may think that man left due to resentment which is true but your husband I guess also resents you for "trapping" him for all these years.
Many affairs are about anger, taking revenge and taking back control from a spouse who they believe has done them wrong or is getting in the way of their happiness..
Affairs are complicated things, they are not just about sex.
Many factors at play.. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

giving up on a marriage is not what I planned on doing. I don't want to give up if he hasn't given up.

You don’t have a choice. 

He has already made the decision - he gave up on your marriage when he built another relationship and a future with another woman. 

I don’t understand where you get the impression that there is anything to fight for. He isn’t fighting for your marriage, he is planning to leave you. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Sex is nothing to lose our marriage for.

And yet, men do it every. single. day. 

So do women, by the way…

[understand50]

husbandcheating,

In my last, and first post, I was hoping that this was all just a "friendship"  Not the case in the least.  So, what steps should you take NOW.  You may think, and you may be right, that your marriage is not in danger, but it would be prudent to take steps to protect yourself in any case.  Assuming you are right about everything now, in any case, your husband is involved with another woman, and while you seem willing to accept this, I would ask you, should you not prepare for all or any events that could come out of this?  What about these steps?

1)  Document all marriage assets.  You need to know where everything is, and what it is. Document what he has. 

2) Keep a timeline of what is going on.  Stash paperwork and such.  IF things go bad, you may have to show that what he is doing is a long term plan, and not something he just came up with.  Will help if things turn legal. Courts decide, and sometime it make no rhyme and reason on what they do.  Those that have paper that show what is, and has gone on, will win the day.

3) Get your name on all financial things.  How about getting your name on the house deed?  If not,  how about documenting all upgrades and such to the house.  Anything done during the marriage, would make it a joint asset.

4) Work on getting a rainy day fund.  You will need cash for your kids and yourself.  Think  and have a plan if things go south. Do you have family that you can rely on? Do they know what is going on?  Who can you depend on? Where would you go? 

5) Talk to a lawyer, get to know your rights, have them on TAP if things go bad. Your husband getting hit, with legal  paperwork, would tend to concentrate his mind. Go first if things go that way.

6) Work on getting a support group.  Church, friends, Family.  Folks who will stand behind you when things get tough.

This all goes to having a plan and resources together if things do not go the way you hope. Remember, your kids well being is at stake here.  Continue to post here.  We are helpful,  but can be pains in the A$$s, but writing about things can be most helpful as you work things out.  Take what you need from here.

I hope you never need to use what I just suggested, but better to be ready then caught flat footed.

I wish you luck...

 

[Allupinnit]

Firstly I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I can't imagine the pain of finding out your H has been leading a double life.  It seems he's gotten very good at compartmentalizing being in the moment with you and her.

Gently, this is no temporary sex thing if it's been 4 years and his family knows about her and how he loves her.  He may feel obligated to stay with you, enjoys being the great family man and provider to everyone else (that's his ego, not love) but he can't wait to get back in touch with HER when your time is up (i.e. family gathering, etc).  I find that the people who are the MOST active on social media tend to be the biggest liars of all.  

It's really interesting to see how women react, on either side, to finding out their boyfriend/husband is cheating.  It's astonishing how neither woman wants to rock the boat, for fear of losing the cheating man.  You're already doing the pick-me dance with your own husband!  

I know you have history and want to fight for your family but your H is unfortunately in love with someone else and he's telling her to be patient (typical cheater) while he placates you.  

How does it feel to know that on your wonderful weeklong birthday trip that you had so much fun on, he told HER he was there out of obligation?  How can you sit back and read that and not blow it all up?!  Girl if that were my H there would be EFFING HEADS ROLLING! 

[Allupinnit]

And also yes girl you need to read the thread here by the poster who has been doing this VERY THING for 13 years now - he's not going to just give her up!

[pepperbird2]

I don't doubt he would be willing to throw the OP, as well as his kids, under the bus if it got him what he felt entitled to. Actually, he's already doing that. he and his family.

They are two faced and can't be trusted.

[Indigo Night]

10 hours ago, husbandcheating said:

Sex is nothing to lose our marriage for. I doubt he will leave us for sex and her. Sex isnt a good foundation and he knows that.

People leave marriages for a lot less. You can't decide how sex important is to him. You've fight about the lack of sex, so obviously it's more important than you think it is, at least to him.. Of it wasn't, then why is he with Amanda? 

Why is he cheating if he is so practical and logical?

Why, because he is enjoying have a woman who desires him, and will have sex with him with more frequency.

You keep explaining things from your singular point of view, and to your benefit. Maybe it is the reality, but based on all you've written, he's unhappy, and isn't married to you or of the live he feels for you. He's there for the kids, you're just the woman he treats like a coworker in family photos.

I suppose he didn't mean that either. 🙄

[mark clemson]

You don't sound like the type to bet your marriage on a coin flip, but I think that's essentially where you're at, unfortunately.

Many APs apparently have all sorts of pipe dreams they share with their OM/OWs (and in some cases deliberately feed their OM/OWs all sorts of lies). From what I have read here it sounds like perhaps 5% (1 in 20) actually leave voluntarily. There is even a name for this in chat board circles - "future faking".

While those might SEEM like good odds, given the large number of people who cheat, that 5% could no doubt fill MANY MANY football stadiums full of people. Put them all in a room and it's a HUGE number. So from THAT perspective, your husband could EASILY be among them.

People have both "familial" LTR love AND "new relationship energy" fun, giddy, hormonal, lots of bonding sex and romance love. Their are neurological differences in most people in how they respond to the partner each situation. Cheaters try to "cake eat" by having both kinds of love at once. And I think you recognize at some level that that is what's going on with your husband.

The problem is that "new love" CAN and DOES turn into LTR love. For many people sex and emotion go hand-in-hand. People choose new partners and move on from former ones all the time (cheating or no). That could easily happen to you, despite the years of "investment". Your husband seems more than half serious about this, as many above have stated. No guarantee that it will happen, but it certainly COULD. I don't think it serves you to be in denial about this.

Frequently on a DDay (discovery of an affair day), when the partner reveals they know about the affair (and often they are quite traumatized and/or pissed of) the wayward husband or wife wants to reconcile. In some cases, due in part to significant brain chemistry changes, but also for other reasons, they "desperately" attempt to chase the partner they are now at risk of losing. However, THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE and it's important for you to realize that. One factor (among many) is whether they have a "safe landing" in the form of their AP.

I think that - IF you reveal to him that you know and demand he stop, there's essentially a 50/50 chance of him leaving, since he at least seems ready to go anyhow and it sounds like the AP would happily receive him.

IF you stay put, it sounds like he is building towards leaving himself. Maybe he won't, but if you wait and he "cements" this bond with his OW and/or finally decides "it's time", he COULD. So, essentially a 50/50 chance of that if you do nothing too.

I agree with (many) others above that you are probably overestimating how content he actually is and/or how much he values what you have built. YOU value it greatly, he MAY feel otherwise.

I also agree it would be wise to consider talking to some lawyers and having your ducks in a row, IN CASE he up and decides to divorce you.

Unfortunately, that is your situation IMO. Some situations you read about here appear to have easy (or at least straightforward) answers, but yours doesn't appear to be one of them.

Edited June 22, 2021 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

Unfortunately this is how a lot of folks end up divorcing.  He's a monkey-brancher who is making sure everything is set up and cozy for himself when he ups and leaves - while you "never saw it coming" and are left to pick up the pieces alone.  Nice, huh?  

I wish women on these boards would tell these MM who cheat to up and EFF themselves, it must be so nice having two women who know what a scoundrel you are yet are too afraid to say they know they're getting dicked over by you.  

[husbandcheating]

I am going to read everyones comments. This is just an update. In one of my updates, I mentioned he brought up buying a house, so this morning he woke up and showed me some listings. He said we should be proactively be looking for a new house. This doesn't sound like someone who is trying to divorce me.